The Adventures of Lestat Oberon

El fin.

2011-11-11T22:09:00.001-04:00

Almost in Seattle a year and I can't believe time has flown by with out a post. I've been crazy busy with work and life so I don't know if I can ever get back to blogging. With that said I've started the works on a new blog. So, I may post it here or start a new one I just don't know. All and all I look back on my years of writing this one and smile. Thankful for heartache because it made me who I am.

En el salvaje

2011-05-02T10:51:00.002-04:00

Michael: You met my mother, do you really have to ask that? (QAF Ep: 209)

So I haven't posted in a week or so and I really feel bad. Some of it was due to the living in the now...some of it was laziness...and most of it is due to the lack of internet connectivity in my apartment. Life is going well, I get tired more and more, but I am also doing more and more. I walk a ton...and I am greatful for that. On Sunday, I got up and took a walk around Pioneer Square, finding hidden away a lovely little Cajan food place. I think I will take my mother to it. Ah mother...its only 2 months to her arrival and I am anxious, mainly for my dog. I miss Evie so much. I want to take her out and run around. I have missed her for too long. Other anxioties are just my mother in general. She often is not always the greatest processor of information and finding a way for her to process how and what I do up here, will be terribly interesting. Anyway, I don't have much to say today, but I will hopefully find sometime this afternoon to say more. till then,

Lestat

¿adónde vas?

2011-04-25T22:39:00.003-04:00

I am truly amazed by the city the last few days, spring has come and I am working on finding myself in another world. Changing my mind has always been a good thing, but lately, it has been a great thing. That's really all I have tonight, other than this weekend I behaved like a teenager again, staying out all night at a party on Saturday, then dinner with the next night, not really getting anything done, but having a blast. The Italian and I are seeing a play in about 2 weeks and I have 2 conferences to go to and a scholarship interview soon. I really have nothing to say today, or rather, my thoughts are all over the place...I think its a good time to go hit the yoga mat and find a peaceful thing to meditate on. That's all, just trying to collect my thoughts, and needed to post something anything at least once.

Lestat

El Amor de Nada...

2011-04-23T12:16:00.003-04:00

Ted: God is Love, and since he doesn't make mistakes, you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. (QAF Season 1)

So yesterday was a crap blog, I admit, not that I think I have a legion of fans reading, I don't even think there are three, ha ha, but that is ok, this blog was always started for me to throw up on a page...(see all blogs before this one, ha ha). I think back, well that's rhetorical considering we all think back, it's very hard to think forward and for some to think present...but I digress, I think back, a lot these days about how I have lived my life. What am I proud of and what do I regret. Luckily the proud out numbers the regret...but funny thing, I'm not so sure yet if it outweighs the regret. Funny thing about regret, it is much denser and heavier than pride. I regret not finding more love, or allowing myself to date more. I feel a bit like the interns of Seattle Grace...yes I'm in Seattle making a reference to Grey's Anatomy. ha ha. but, and I have said this before Theatre people are like Medical Interns, they spend their whole college or first years in the theatre trying to make a name for themselves, which gives them very little time for relationships. And often the relationships we have are so few or actually just sex (shocker theatre people are promiscuous). So needless to say I am very similar in that I never really cultivated an idea of love...Not to say that I am not a true bohemian who is a complete Romantic at heart. I just was not sure how long I would be in one area for one time. Then, I end up living in one area for eight years, found some heartache, maybe some love, maybe not so much...Flashback of NYE, one guy confessing his love, another falling for me in that moment...was I stupid to leave...Present...now I have officially been on 3 dates with 2 guys. The first was not so good, the kiss...yes it is in his kiss...not so good, the second, I find I really like the sexy Italian, but don't know how he feels about me...hmmmmm, I wonder. I texted him earlier and asked him for a 3rd date. Hopefully the cocktails will not be so heavy this time...ummmm yes the last date involved cocktails and inappropriate Jenga. Yes, you can say it, Ima Slut is my name...ok, so it wasn't too horrible...Ok, no more details ;) ok, just one, lets just say, he was a much better kisser...that's all you get. For now all I can say is that I guess, love, or lack their of, is something I no longer want in the regret pile. I am sure my heartache will go up, but maybe just maybe, my pride file will grow a little more. So, regrets watch out...Pride is coming to kill you.

PS...the Italian just texted, he wants to go out again ;)

Lestat

Dormando en Seattle

2011-04-22T17:49:00.003-04:00

Justin: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.
(QAF Season 4)

So no post yesterday, I was not feeling too well. Today, I am better but just not up to par as my usual self. Balance, Balance, I feel that I’m wavering. I feel like the closer I get to getting things in balance the closer I get to not finding that balance I am searching for…Life is interesting, the moment you get it figured out, things change, sometimes for good, other times for bad. I know, I know, I have been speaking in a lot of clichés lately. But really, what is life without them. I’m tired…always now I am tired. I don’t know if it’s me getting older, or the fact that I’ve ran so hard for so many years that now in rest it’s all coming back to me now. Why did I spend so many years running, what was I trying to prove…well for one that I could do acting…was ok at that…that I could be a director…was ok at that…that I could find love…NOT so good at that…that I was living…too soon to tell. Sometimes I feel I was more alive when I was in school, sometimes I feel I was more alive when I was out of school, I often feel I am more alive now, but today, ummmmm not so good. I wished I was better at life, but then again, I think most human’s feel that way. For me today is about getting through, which is the same goal for the month and till May 10^th. I don’t know what will change other than finding out some things financially, but that is the goal I am working toward right now. It’s something attainable, which for someone who has attempted the unattainable for so long, is a step in the right direction. I look at my yoga mat, and think, maybe tomorrow…once I feel better…well, the next time I feel better is exactly when I will…maybe…until that day comes…

Lestat

Encontrando el equilibrio

2011-04-20T13:09:00.001-04:00

Emmett: I prefer to think of them all as lunatics. Except for Aunt Lulah, who was supposed to be the crazy one. She was my only friend. (QAF Season 4)

With everything, life has a balance that needs to be obtained, by most, there are some that have a feeling of being off balance that excites them and keeps them going. I have always been the later until recently. Recently, I have become accustomed to working towards balance, and needing it. Something not usual for me…alright downright crazy for me. But in striving for balance am I really running away from my past? Is this just another way I am inventing myself? And if the answer to either question is yes…then is it making me a better person? And if it is making me a better person, does that mean I am buying into the binary idea of good and bad? I know, very contradictory today…okay, usually every day. I stared at my yoga mat again today. Yes, I had time to do yoga…I had more than enough time. I made coffee, I sipped, I enjoyed the morning. No music. Just quieting thoughts and trying to turn the brain off before the day began, to see if I could do it throughout the day and still function. I laughed, but didn’t get it down to my center until I was at work…I am still not able to access needed programs L but hey, such is life. I am blogging, because until one of two people come in, I have nothing I can do…at least not to my knowledge. I was five minutes late…I hate being late, especially, when I have enough time to get to the place I was going…I stare at the outside world looking at the students…I people watch, not an unusual occurrence for me. I’m awake, but not, but am, but have a feeling my subconscious is trying to tell me something…In a dream last night someone told me they had read my book…I haven’t written a book…but maybe one day…hmmmm. I at least got breakfast down today, Muesli, yum. Realized I had meditated too long, ran down the hill, got in the car, drove to the office…talked with a coworker…and now I am here.

Maybe, I will post something more interesting later today.

Lestat

Rápidamente con la sensación de vida

2011-04-18T11:30:00.003-04:00

Emmett: A song and a snack can turn any event into an occasion. (QAF Season ?)

So, I am sitting at work, I know, not the best use of my time on blogger, but hey I figure I get 2 breaks a day and I can justify this as one of them. I am working on the now, and today, well, the now was a little earlier then I thought it would be. I woke up, or rather hit the dimiss button on the phone. I had left teh wake up time at Starbucks wake up time (4:30 a.m.). I rolled over, I woke up, I panicked. I thought I had overslepted. It was 6:30 a.m. I was fine. So, what did I do? I was a in the now person who got up and did his yoga and meditated...NOT...I went back to sleep for 20 more minutes, ran around. I'm totally not centered.

Day Break

So last night I went out with a really cute Itallian :). So, yeah I'll see where that goes...and yes he rides a Vespa, but he doesn't say Ciao, well, at least he hasn't yet. Too soon to tell if it is anything more than what it is, but I have been enjoying the conversations, and last night, I started enjoying the kissing ;) but that is all for now, I am exhausted and need to figure out work stuff. Seems everyone in the office is running late...meh I like the office when no one is here, it's quite and I can think.

Lestat

Y ha estado tan

2011-04-17T17:02:00.003-04:00

Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie. (QAF Season ?)

And so it is, the big move has come and gone, I'm now in Seattle, WA, ok have been for several months. I found a job, at Starbucks, and now have left Starbucks to work at the community college system here. I have been on one audition, but have realized, all this time, I have been okay with the break in theatre. It was something I needed, for a while. It's a reason I moved to Seattle, I wanted to find meaning, find something new, have an adventure and settle down. Boy was it an adventure...5days of it getting up here total. I lived with friends the first month, and I got involved in volunteer work, found a place in First Hill/Downtown area, learned the geography of Seattle and found out its a lot different than where I was from...the ominous state of Texas. It was a change I needed. I keep saying this to people as if its my mantra or my prayer for today. I say it so much I say it more and more like I say Carry water, Chop wood, one of my favorite mantra's...something to remember enlightenment isn't just something you achieve, but something maintained as well, and something that goes with day to day life. I have started forging my spirituality again, looking within myself. Being ever so Eat, Pray, Love and so forth...but different can be the same. Of all the places I have lived different is constant. I was never much for routine, other than to be spontaneous and in that spontaneity I was also very routine...day job from 8 to 5, dinner, theatre from 7 to 11, early morning rituals and getting to play with my dog as much as I could. Bars would be for the weekend, and friends had a schedule to...Different doesn't seem so different anymore. Although I do feel a major change in me since I moved. Yes, I am still a gay man, self obsessed with image and sex, but more willing to think less like Brian Kenny and more like myself, Lestat Oberon. I hate myself for not starting to blog earlier, but I was resting...maybe I should go back to the Eat, Pray, Love comment earlier...when I arrived in Seattle, it was all about the food. I ate...I ate well. I was with a group of friends that loved food. I still am around them, and I am still eating, but now I feel like I have been in the Praying mode...Funny enough at a conference the other day I put down that I Meditate to eliminate stress, both I and my coworker both checked the box which included prayer, meditation and religion. We both checked the box and circled meditation as if to say we were not praying. But in a since I am starting to feel it more like prayer, and starting to feel some kind of presence again. I'm not going all Jesus freak and I can't stand organized religion still, but I feel that presence, whatever you want to call it, around me. At a dinner with friends, funny enough a last meal of sorts with two of my fave girls this subject came up and how they are both mother earth religious. I talked about energy as usual and how I think we will all eventually come together as a unit of collective energy after death, and so forth and so on...something I still believe, that God is energy and that we call God many names, Mother Earth, Allah, the Force, Good, Sunshine, among other more elaborate things. So, I am listening to my voice within, working on my relationship as an artist, human and spirit right now. I remember one "goal" for lack of terminology was to find love as well by moving to "the big city" :) ha ha, well, love is the next chapter, and its too soon to tell. It like everything in life is taking time. I am taking it simple right now, baby steps, living slowly and hopefully as Ben from Queer as Folk puts it...Living in the Now. It's a work in progress, but progress...something I haven't felt in a while. So onward.

Lestat

encontrar el tiempo

2010-09-14T08:52:00.000-04:00

I could be a...a REAL man if I wanted to. Y'know, just...stop gesturing with my hands...lower my voice...never NEVER use words like, like "fabulous!" or "divine!"...talk about "nailing bitches" and "RBIs". But I'd rather my flame burn bright than be some puny little pilot light. ~ Emmett from QAF

So yeah, celibacy, what a freaking concept. Nothing is fun about it, just fyi. It is Murphy's law that states that when you bring your umbrella out it will not rain...when you are celibate, it rains men. Over the past week I have hung out with, or flirted with, or down right almost had sex with 3 men. Ok, so maybe this is not news to anybody who has a different man every night, but considering I am in rehearsal 5 nights a week right now, working at 7:30 a.m., teaching 2 classes and running around trying to find a new day job. Needless to say, I shouldn't have time for men at all. I thought it would be easy this time to give men up. so I am passed a week am I? Who knew the man who just wanted sex, not a relationship could stop having sex? I certainly didn't think this could happen, and yet, I do find myself more focused on work, perhaps because there is so much of it. Perhaps because I am running around and have to be organized. Or perhaps, because I am not obsessing over men.

On a lighter note, I am not doing so well with the exercise. I was waking up every morning meditating, jogging several blocks and then reading. I had a respiratory infection last week, which is why I spent 2 days in bed. yuck. Not fun, and yet I haven't felt the need to exercise. Perhaps because of the dancing and teaching and general running around, I don't feel I need it. My gut says otherwise, but meh, since I am not looking for a man perhaps it is ok to let it go for a little while, at least until things settle down.

I also feel very gay proud this month. Working with 2 local chapters of Gay/Straight Alliances I feel very tapped into the "Gay World." It is pride week. So it should be a time that I am feeling the pride. I just realized thought that this means I will not be able to take anyone home for pride...sad day :( oh well, just cuddle with my dog and figure it out.

Till next post.

el sexo nuevo

2010-09-06T21:33:00.004-04:00

Daphne: Hi, I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan.
episode 106

So I didn't get up and do my meditation today, I know and it gets worse. So last night I was cleaning and I start getting text from someone I think is someone else...glad that wasn't too hard to go with...so needless to say I put on something nice and head over to the local dive and start searching for Miguel. Which btw happy birthday :), however it was not Miguel but a lost boy who I had just posted about last night. We talked, sang horrible karaoke (side note one of my favorite pastimes), played pool and he weird enough wants to be a guru...HA HA HA. Now note although I feel that some people are meant to be a guru, I think his training is not up to par. Even more hysterical is that I have been thinking about celibacy now for a few days. No, no not for life just for a month or 3 to figure things out. So have we figured where this is all leading? Yes I spent the night with him. Now, I will preface this by saying, we did not have sex. I became o drunk I ended up passing out. I know not the smartest thing to do but good because I totally trust him and knew that he would be ok with just cuddling. Which btw Matthew and I had just had a conversation about the day before. Its not so much that I don't want sex, but that I really want good sex. I'm tired of going home with someone having bad, sloppy sex and sneaking out later (which btw I did sneak out this morning but more so that I could get home and not out of shame...ok so a little shame). So now my house is a mess still I'm behind on teaching my class and I'm behind on choreography for my show. so why the hell am I writing? Because its the only thing I can do at this moment. That and to officially motivate myself to write and to create and to get out that I Lestat Oberon am going to be celibate for 3 months. Now masturbation I will say does not count. So yeah, let's see how this experiment goes.

amigos y fuego

2010-09-05T23:24:00.002-04:00

Ted: I could fix you up with my sister but she looks like me in a dress...(QAF)

I have been reading a lot lately and wondering about things. I just finished Eat Pray Love and was excited to find someone who shares my thoughts on spirituality, and since the book was a success, realize that many people find this same thoughts on spirtuality :). I have been doing a lot of cleaning out in my life, as I have mentioned earlier, but it seems that like Liz I too have acquired some friends everywhere I go. My family has grown here and I will miss them all. From the lost boys I still hang out with, you know who you are and I love you, to the therapist I have met along the way, I have enjoyed your "couches" and to the unbelievable thinkers. To Matt, for reminding me that I want to love my best friend...even if you aren't the best friend I am suppose to be in love with, but that there is one like you. I am so thankful to my Italy...Spain, to my Rome: Texas I will always love you, but can not live there with you, and to my Bali, Seattle don't fail me when I get there.

To my loves, both sexual and non, I am thankful to you all for many reasons.

To my mistakes, because I have learned and am still learning from you.

And to my dog...may you always bring me as much joy, as you always do...

That's it... just thank you

2010-07-30T08:48:00.000-04:00

Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright. QAF

So, i got pissed off the other day and haven't written a blog in a few. I had the best blog, and it was erased. BAWLS!!! So, I have been trying to recreate it, but alas it is gone. Between sleeping, drinking and planning for classses (I will be teaching this fall again) I have been pretty worn out. Yes, that is really what I have been doing, with work from 7:30 to 4:30 thrown in there. I am amazed at how much I have been sleeping. I am going to be around 7 p.m. and waking up at 3 a.m., or if its a drinking night staying up till 12 and sleeping till 6 a.m. What is wrong with me? I think it has to do with the fact that I am not in a show currently. Soon that will change, but as for now, I am a free man. My mister and me are not on speaking terms, ha ha, j/k, I'm still finishing up the finals of the company I run. Come on, zeesh, you thought I was just going to walk away. OH NO NO NO, puta. But my exhaustion does have me questioning myself. Am I getting too old to do what I want to do. I hope not. I'm only about to be 30. I jus tneed to get stress out of my life. The stress I don't care about, the stress from the normal 9 to 5 j.o.b. :( And I think I am working that well. We shall see though. Anyway, it has to be a quick post.

I'm off.

La vida

2010-07-25T16:14:00.001-04:00

Michael: What is this ER, life and death in the same episode? Queer as Folk Season 1

I really have forgotten myself recently. I have turned into someone who I don't recognize. I think that in some ways I am so much better than before, but so not who I wanted to be on the whole continuum of good and bad. Recently I looked through my blogs. How I used to right so passionately, creatively, and well just in general more than I write now. Not that I am saying I want to go back to the "love of the loveless" blogs I started writing, but just feeling the groove of writing. I feel like I have been throwing up on pages, words, just words. Maybe a few have ideas I don't know.

I've been doing a lot of dancing recently, go figure ex chorus boy here. More than that, I used to be a decent (not great, but decent) modern dancer. I have recently met a few dancers and have been working with them. Having a blast. Not to mention I'm doing some fight choreography for a production of J & H. Wow, its been so long since I have done a musical. Granted I did fight Choreography for 7B47B not too long ago...and yes my guys were "Buck" ha ha. But it feels like I'm going home for some reason, which is weird, considering my start was in Shakespeare, not musicals.

My best girl and I talked last night and she made the comment that going back home is viewed by most people as a failure. Which I myself, if I had to go back to my hometown behind the pine curtain, would consider it a big defeat. How sad is that? That home is defeat, not joy and love. I know the thought is we want to go off and make it big, because lets face it if you don't keep going, you are bound to end up a nobody in your home town right...ha ha ha, maybe, that's not for me to judge. But that is the thought right? I started thinking about what it would mean to me to move back. My mamacita would love nothing else than for me to move back to town and teach High School Drama. I would rather slit my wrists and die. What does that say? About me and more importantly about society that this is our first thought about going back to our home town? Now, I know there are those out there who would love nothing else but to stay in their hometown, and I applaud you for going against society. Thank you, but why do I feel the need to go. The city has always called me, and what is more I am nomadic by nature. So several cities call my name at once.

The city why do I love it so much?

Sometimes there is absolute comfort in not knowing anyone around you. I feel that all the time when I am in a small town. Oh yes, I did live in small and medium towns regularly. So, I know more than anything that you can feel completely alone, and like you know no one around you in a small town. These ketchey movies about going to a small town and falling in love don't fool me, it's not for everyone. I understand that small towns are quaint, but I want rough, and vibrant, full of life and death in the same episode. I want to feel again, like I am cast in the movie of my life and not a supporting character. I think that is most people though the fight to stay the lead, and by lead to have meaning and value.

I do feel important, and I love my life, but now I need something new.

I feel the pull to go, and I am going to answer it, in either 5 months 5 days or 11 months 5 days.

For now, lets fix the boat, then think about setting sail.

Lestat

Diatribas y delirios

2010-07-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

Giving yourself some time. Something that is very important to me now, but was not before.

Before:

Rushing, flowing, chaos. This was what spurned my creativity and still in many ways does. I would push through all night if it took to get to where I needed to go. Finalizing things as I went and working towards a huge goal of getting the job done. I think that this was one of my greatest gifts. As the great Anne Bogart once said, "I give myself from the back of the theatre to the front of the stage to figure out the problem." I think this is one of the most important lessons I learned in theatre. The moment of now, deciding in that second. Seeing that things created on the spot were 90% of the time better and more natural than creating a huge experience that doesn't work, because you have to change that inevitably.

Now:

I feel like I plan more and watch more. Which has its strength with structure it is much more easy to make those changes. Create something knew. Being open to change, but planning for the future. My problem with the before is that I was using the spontaneity before the planning. Now, I am planning before the spontaneity.

Which is better?

Future:

Hopefully a healthy dose of both.

I hope, which is all I have right now.

Sorry another throw up of the mouth blog, something I am needing to do in writing right now.

I am searching through the tunnel for a ray of light. See you guys when I come out.

Lestat

Ameliorate: to make better to improve.

I wish to ameliorate myself.

trabajo para el fin de semana

2010-07-23T15:50:00.000-04:00

If you want to hit me go right ahead. Justin from Queer as Folk

You should never work for something you were a part of when u were younger. Let me clarify, don't work for the places you like. You would never say, "I love eating at this resturant, so I should work here.". The sad part is we as humans do this all the time. You would think that this would be the case, but humans as usual are completely wrong. I have found that working for a place you idolize is much like worshiping a person they will let you down. I had problems with this growing up, so its no surprise I have problems with working at places I used to love. What was I thinking? But its much worse than just getting let down, it breaks a spirit. I know I have been broken. Perhaps its as my mother says, "Lestat, you feel too much." She is very right I do feel too much. I work hard and play harder, but the playing is winding down and the working is growing. I know my whole office area feels it. We are doing more and more with less and less. But what of that, when at the end of the day it needs to be done. Normally I would be so ready to take on the task. Recently however, because I work at some place I attended, and it has changed from such an open university to a cold unfeeling one (at least to the employees), that I don't want to go into work. And I know I am not the only one. I know my AD's just went to talk to the Director today about the state of moral in the office. No one wants to work anymore, but the ones at the top. I feel a deserting phase about to hit again. It happens in business and it looks like it will again here.

IDK, well, I'm heading out again so till tomorrow.

Lestat

el mal chico

2010-07-22T19:41:00.000-04:00

Brian: I'm not an asshole, I was just drawn that way.

Really I'm not a bad guy, but I became one, fucking was better than love because I wouldn't get hurt...ever...but I did. You see once you make that choice it's hard to be seen as anything else. There have been men who I have wanted to love but have not been able to because of the bad guy reputation. And those that see me as a good boy just want to fuck a bad boy. Why is life this way? Now, 8 years of my stay here I am very ready to leave. Almost as penniless as I came. How the hell do I get out of here? I am working on that. I'm behind on so many payments it hurts. My car is broken and life actually sucks more now then it did a sec ago, a minute ago, an hour, a day, a month, a year... wow, I'm hitting depression fast. I have to give up smoking for real now, I can't afford it. other than that, I'm having a hard time keeping up. Life just feels like it keeps wanting to beat me down from all fronts. My old bank I hate. My job. My love life. wow. I need some sleep, but I have to keep up working to pay the bills. Life has hit rock bottom on my front. Perhaps that's why love isn't important. Sorry, wanted this to make more sense but I am in the midst of trying to sort through my life and get it back together.

So throw up has landed on the page.

El Buen Chico

2010-07-21T19:57:00.000-04:00

Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up. ~Queer as Folk

Ok so I'm not Italian or Drag Queen, but somedays it feels like it.

So many movies about good guys...they are overrated and so are the bad. I've been both. Oh I have stories. Lots of stories that I will soon be sharing perhaps that is what this blog will become, The Adventures of Lestat Oberon...Man Repellant. ha ha. Although it did not always be like this. Way back in the dark ages when I went to high school I was a mild guy who wanted to blend in and be normal. I think this is true of most kids my age that grew up a little different then those around them. I quickly was known by everyone, because of my sister being 3 years older than me it was hard to be a wallflower. I was the good guy...I landed the hottest out gay guy in, well, the next town over. He, I thought was a good boy too...ha ha...love the hindsight is 20/20. He was, just eager to get out of the small town we grew up in. It was a magical moment where I meet him and there was an instant attraction. A friend hooked us up (note, now I think it is a horrable idea to hook friends up and I won't do it, sorry guys but my little black book and my little addie book is not open for dating services). We started with instant messanger...I know what is that now, ha ha, I think we have all forgotten. If we haven't forgotten, maybe we should. I remember him inviting me over to his house for the first time. We used his parents hot tub for some foreplay and yes, we had an amazing night...(notice the ... used here is not my usual ...). He was the first boy around my age that had it, new what he wanted and did something about it. He now is in law, liquidations I believe. Fancy. Needless to say he was also my first major break up, on New Year's Eve. Perhaps that is why I go all out and have great NYE parties now.

It was then that I realized good guys never win, so I took a Brian Kenny (note at this time I had no idea who he was) approach on life, or as Emmitt puts it, "Fuck 'em all."

Then comes college, but that will have to be tomorrow.

L

el salir

2010-07-20T08:29:00.000-04:00

Miss manors might not approve, but with six brothers and sisters it's how I kept my belly full. Emmitte (qaf season 2).

So life isn't what I made it out to be. Thought phenomonalogy worked or maybe it did and I was too unfocused to create the real world I wanted. Funny how this is. I created a world where ideas of what I wanted made it, not the actual full picture. Purhaps that is exactly how phenomonalogy works. It's been so long since I graduated I sometimes forget what I studied and have to relook over it. ha ha. Not that anyone else does that. So pieces of my world have been created now and I look back and see that now I need to focus on how to create it, and live in the now (thank you rewatching Ben circa season 2 of Queer as Folk...).

Reduction:

I have been reducing the things in my life to little...first rule of moving is...the less you have to move...the less you have to move. Finding out that it is hard to part with things has always been my problem. Recently, I have been very open to letting things go. Perhaps that is why the company I created was so easy to let go. I plan on becoming as Bhuddist as I possibly can when it comes to worldly possessions. I don't want to move with anything I don't need. Which is important in many ways because over the last year I have been working on getting rid of sentimental but not needed crap. Not to say that everything that is sentimental is crap, just some of it doesn't let us make the past our past. I am looking forward to finding a peace in having less, because I have recently been living with more.

Well for now I will have to put away this blog and move one.

el comenzar otra vez

2010-07-19T21:03:00.000-04:00

Mysterious Marilyn: God writes the scripts, sweetie, I just read the lines.

Five years later and I hope that you find him standing at your doorway...telling you the same thing you said to me...

So life has been interesting since I've taken a hiatus from writing. I started a company, I watched it grow, and watched it grow into something I never wanted it to be. I cannot tell you how ready I am to let it go. I watched close friends turn into horrible people, strangers turn into best friends and life become an interesting circus of fun and excitement.

Five years that feel like ten and I still don't know if it was him or me who left.

I put my love life on hiatus, or rather should I say, fell into a string of men who would never work out. I have now labeled myself man repellent. Given up on love, fell in love with men and got my heart broken, because, well I'm man repellent and they don't love me back. I missed chances and let men go...yes, I can admit that now, I did miss out on several loves, because of life, and life in the theatre...

I dusted the print off and saw myself in the young man full of anger.

When I look back at the art I made, it is a sense of pride, there is no regret in what I did, but doing it for what, for myself...selfish...for my friends...did I want their love???did I do it for the art...was it that good or am I looking through the goggles of nostalgia? I don't remember why I started, but I know why I did it in the end for all the reasons listed. Was I wrong, Am I right to feel guilt...maybe...All I know is that I had a wonderful time, a horrible time and a hell of a lot of craziness that would make up the last five years. It was worth it to see the art and the love that I have seen happen with the theatre. I will now close this chapter, and move on to another chapter...or maybe just revisit a time before owning a company.

And then he left me...the gods forbid in earnest shall we say...

So, I will soon be leaving the shores of Spain to go back stateside. Yes, I am coming home, in a way. Growing up in Texas was not an easy task. So, I'm now I'm taking a huge leap of faith and when I visited my friends fell in love with a new place far away from Texas and quite a bit more blue than the lone star state. As long as I have felt like I was in a different world I'm no longer in a different world, this has become my home and its time to set sail again. become nomadic again. become new again.

We shall see. As for now, lets see if I can post again tomorrow.

atornille su valor al lugar que se pega

2009-05-17T22:43:00.000-04:00

"Entertaining the 'white' folks" Emmett (QAF Episode 507)

What does it mean to be queer in America now? We have come so far now, that the younger generations feel they are just the same as the straights. Yet we are not the same...we watch Milk and think we are advocates. Is that all it takes to be an advocate now? We let go of our fight, or perhaps being from the south and seeing how slow we have come to change. It seems I have lost touch with the fight, yeah I email senators, reps and soon the President. Thanks for turning your back on the men and women in the armed services that you are discharging because they are gay. Forget the fact that 54 where trained in the Iraqi language.

Mainly, I am tired of the need to be apart of the queer ghetto...I know we should go out and populate the places we aren't in to win the elections and to vote on the laws that are equal to all citizens, but I need to get back. Rejuvenate in a sense. I am ready to live in a big city and find myself. I feel that after 27 years with all the self discoveries I have made, I still have yet to find myself, to become the man I want to become. I think Brian Kenny would call me a great homosexual, but perhaps not so much of the man I have become.

I am tired of putting things off, waiting for the right moment. I have not given up on love, but no longer looking...I'm tired of the need to create romance when there is none there, and I am not the person I want to become. I need to find myself again.

I need to find myself again...

I need to find myself again...

perhaps if I say it enough I will find myself.

I want to be inspired again, and I need to inspire myself.

Life has gotten complicated again.

I haven't run from it, but towards it and am finding I am not liking what I am running out.

So now, I am searching myself,

Finding a path and working on me.

el sexo

2008-06-12T16:44:00.001-04:00

Brandon: Go slow, and take it easy. I don't bottom very often. (QAF Episode: 508)

So last night as we were finishing everything up, we all sat down for a drink. We were talking about our friend, lets call her Carrie, and how her and her new Fiance and her would not be at all interested in playing the age old game of I have never. Carrie and Cary, did not want to know about each others past. My roomie Maranda, said I wouldn't want to either if my number was 37. Me being like Samantha on Sex and the City answered well that's not too terribly bad. Eddie, a mutual friend, thought I was insane, he said that although there was no way of getting around the fact that I was a slut, the circumstances was a bit different for men and even more different for gay men. Maranda replied: "Damn Lestat, how is your asshole?" I took defense, "Well, I didn't take all the men I have had up my ass...which is true, I didn't learn the joys of bottoming until later in life and well, lets face it when I was younger I didn't care about anything but getting off. After a successful sexual encounter with a NY Costume designer I was informed of the joys of sex, and not just the end satisfaction. I learned of prolonging the experience and having fun whichever position I was in...I also learned of several positions. And, I do believe that gay men have explored the sexuality of sex more so than anyone else, however, I still hate how because of the status quo still considers us too promiscuous. I wish this wasn't the case, because if they only new the exploratory process of sex, perhaps they would not look down upon us but revere us. I know Eddie does, even though he fained that I was a slut, but the need to do that in front of a girl, to make him seem as if he didn't want to have more sexual partners than the apparent dreaded 37. I have never given my number away...well to people I know...and honestly, I lost count, because it shouldn't matter. But that is one great thing about us queers, we may be promiscuous, however, in the end, it doesn't matter. The Journey (yes I did use the capitol J) is so much more fufilling. If my ass or dick falls off, I will have learned so much about myself. And, I may be a slut, but well, I am happy.

la vida

2008-06-11T15:11:00.000-04:00

Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me. (QAF Ep. 101)

So another day at the office, and I am a bit out of wack with the usual flow of opperations. Apparently, in my mind it has been Monday all week long, and it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere near friday. Who would have guessed that I would be bored (don't everyone raise your hands at once). I mean obviously office jobs are as boring as they come, whatever office you are in. Granted some have more high profile (like mine) others not so much, these are usually the ones in the back where people are much more bitter and jaded than I am. So really, I love being up here, because really where else can as much as I do. So, my roomie and I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City, mainly she made me go watch the movie and well, I can't help it, I did enjoy the movie a great deal. I had watched a couple of the episodes and its good and all, but I never really had time or I was watching another series, blah blah...so now with my roomie having all the seasons, and I am in reality tv mode, I have time to pick up a series when I am waiting to hear whose top chef, designer, fashion, model, real worlder ect...The main thing is that they are on DVD at my appartment and I don't have to purchase them or wait, or even leave my appartment. So, this is great, however, I have noticed watching them that I tend to think more about woman things...is single life going to be my life, sex, family vs success and what is success. And, although I continually define those perimeters of my life, I don't often think on them as much as lately. And yes I know men think abou those things I was not trying to say women are the only ones, however, it is what those 4 dwell on. Life has been pretty good to me so far, however, I know I am in a rut right now, but I know eventually I will get out of it and into the field I am dying to go into, I just have to focus in on what I want, my path of how to get there, and focus less on the idea of how great it is going to be. I think that is my problem now I am so focused on the dream felling and not the dream itself. I need to take the bull by the horns a bit more and start taking more action. I have started standing up for my excentricities with my friends (by which I mean why am I doing the things I do, well it serves a larger purpose), but I need to start working harder. I have slacked enough, I need to start working harder...and well, lets not take the obvious music reference here but you know what I mean. Anyway, its Wednesday, I have auditions for the shows I am casting in a week and a half. I need to start preparing. I have the 4 eight count movement piece I am teaching now, it is my goal to have the 5 scenes picked from which I am going to have people read, by Friday. Lets see if I get my goal.

Lestat.

Mio cabeza es bueno

2008-06-10T17:44:00.000-04:00

Justin: I'm not anti-social, I just can't stand people. (QAF Episode: 303)

So life is winding down, we (my roomie and I) have had talks with the people coming over and that has slowed down and it looks like life in the shire is returning to normal. Work, is good, well especially for Rachel who has called in sick to work. And well, the only thing up in the air are my auditions for the two shows I am producing. I need more actors, when have I ever said this. I had to wait till every actor was in a show to schedule a production, ha ha ha. Work is good in the since that I mentored and got feed free lunch. Also, I was able to get the paycheck sent to my account so I have money now and life is grand. So, yeah, well, I will see you cats later as I am working on getting out of the office myself and planning some beach time. Sorry, its been so long since writing.

Lestat

la vie un rose

2008-06-06T17:32:00.000-04:00

Hunter: I can see it now. I'm on death row, awaiting a lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, 'Opening Ben's letter.' (QAF Ep 409)

So yeah, today was kind of not so fun, but really other than wanting to bash my computer into a million pieces I handled everything muy bueno!!! But really I think my year of retail hell has lead me to be more cool headed and less stressed out, after almost dying at the hands of a customer in retail, I think I can handle anything. Oh yeah, and do mean almost dying, not in my usually inflated storytelling way, no the man actually reached across the counter. So not much has happened at the new job to rival that.

Also, I think the work outs help. I have been walking/running in the mornings to get ready for SGK, Lifewalk and other walk/races... so yeah, and I find that knowing you could pass out for lack of breath helps with the anger, or maybe just gives me a massive runners high.

Sex, well, that's a story for another blog, but lets just say hopefully tomorrow I can blog about that, because there are some interesting stories. Its always fun to be "new again" and I will define that term later for you too. But for now I am happy and excited, my dog will be very happy to have a night completely with me. And I will be glad to have a night at home with the dog ;)

Later,

Lestat

a mio madre

2008-06-05T16:15:00.000-04:00

Michael: I agreed to come to this, I didn't agree to dress like my Mother. (QAF Episode: 402)

I feel like I am my mother's child.

Ok, silly I know I am my mother's child, but I feel like my mother more and more now that I am growing up, and aside from the fact that I still have dark hair, without the use of dye (unless I want to spice things up, he he) I look in the mirror and I hear myself talk, and I realize I am my mother. As much as I say I am ok with this, and really, really I am...I'm not. I love my mother, and will always be thankful for everything she has done for me. She has supported me in everything I have wanted to do, she has given advice (especially when not needed), she has given me an extra $20 every once and a while, and most of all she has loved. Everything you hacve heard so far makes me seem like an asshole right... I am ...but not for this. She also, has much fear, worry, low self-esteem, and a need to fix things she cannot fix. She cries at the drop of the hat and lives in the past, but she is also perfect. Or at least perfect with a flaw, which as not to offend the gods. But really, she is amazing, but with her Quarkiness, Fun and Efficientness...I also receive her emotion, fear and sometimes regret. I have worked so hard at becoming something different, but each day I feel so much more like her. I guess it doesn't help that we look exactly alike, we have all the same mannerisms and we both work in similar fields.

I will have to say that although we are so much alike, I have worked hard. Worry is something that usually escapes my mind. I don't worry much about things. If they are ment or not ment to happens seems to make little difference in the grand scheme of things. Although I am emotional, crying is not something I do in front of people often, although I may cry often alone over romantic movies. And lastly, although I don't regret much, I do sometimes dwell on what I do. I try to, when I feel the need dewell for a set number of minutes on it, and then move on, but somedays, I am consummed. I am sure that this has something to do with my constant battle with depression, but meh, I digress.

I am glad however to have gotten her since of humor (although, my father's joke telling is totally in me), her ability to laugh at myself comes from her and my joy, which, it is sometimes hard to see from day today, is all from her. I feel love and joy the way my mother does and perhaps that is what I should focus on more. I love the way she feels these two things. She makes my heart sing. I also love the way she doesn't care what other people think, unless its something bad about her kids. And maybe, just maybe, I should remember that turning out as happy as my mother is, is not a bad thing...so what if I have to look and act like her.

Love you ma,

Lestat

Y el mundo es girando.

2008-06-04T10:33:00.000-04:00

Lindsay: I think we're witnessing a conversion.
Melanie: Another lesbian success story. (216)

So, the lesbians have movied in...not really, but for the most part they like to visit and stay over, which is fine because I am the kind of guy that would rather you sleep over then drive drunk. And well lets face it, the lesbians are great friends and fun. My problem is that it is becoming frequently more frequent with the other people in my life. Now we have the breeders (who let me just say I am getting a little peeved I'm not totally included in the wedding planning because hello, who better than a homo ex wedding planner friend to help you plan your wedding, but I digress). They have been coming over more and more, and I think my new roomie said it best when she mentioned, they're just a little boring. Also, life has become more interesting with the more people who are starting to stay over. Several sets of Singles, or those who want to be single have been making the state at the B&B de Lestat. Again, I have no problem with people coming over, having a good time, and having to spend the night for whatever reason, but seriously, every night??? Ok, so now you know the problem, it isn't one of them, its all of them (yes sometimes on the same night). Its now been 2 weeks (minus memorial weekend when we were both gone) since we haven't had a visitor at the house and although we have had a few nights of people only coming over for a few hours...they still came over. Tonight I would love to just open a new bottle of wine, run a bath and put on some good music to drown away in just being alone. I think I need and deserve it. So, to all my good friends that happen apon this blog, know that I love you, want you around as much as possible...but for about 3 days can everyone just back off and let me have a tiny bit of roomie time...and more importantly...alone time.

Currently rockin' Flogging Molly
Currently readin' The Tao of Pooh
Currently watchin' Dante's Cove III (ok, ok, so i like fluff from time to time)

una dia nueva para me, y soy bien

2008-06-03T17:23:00.000-04:00

Debbie: Brian must've knocked up Sunshine! (513)

So, I love my new job, just a little too much, but more on that later.

mudanza a velocidad terminal

2008-01-16T20:34:00.000-04:00

Brian: A big fat lie is I won't come in your mouth. (QAF Episode: 405)
Recently I have been tired and sore. No, I haven't been working out a lot, or having all night fuck fests. I just have been dealing with the fact that I am in a job I have no intention of staying in for much longer. I am so ready to get out of town, explore life. Why haven't I joined Peace Corps or sold everything and seen the world? I mean granted I have seen more than most people, but I am always reminded of the line in Broken Hearts Club: every so often I swear to sell everything I know and backpack across Europe and really find myself as a photographer. Well, why the hell haven't I done that? I guess it doesn't help that I was reading Into the Wild so yeah, I have fueled my adventure mentality that has been laying dormant under my capitolist need to live a comfortable life. blah. I want to get otu, to move out, to go, to live, but I am right here sitting watching tv, getting more tired and more sad that I am not exploring life and the world. Hmmmmm, its time to rethink life kids and this time, I have to find a way to make it work.

Apariciones

2008-01-15T18:44:00.000-04:00

"Just like Jesus, and Liza and Judy he's making a comeback..." Brian QAF Ep 403

I know its been too long, I always say that, but this time I think its time to start putting pen to paper again. Life has changed, the world as I know it has become so distant. I need to start to examining my life more. I stuck at a job I hate working toward a future I may or may not have. I don't know why but I need a change. Perhaps I always need change? I think that is the truth, whenever life seems to balance, I need upheaval. But I no longer want change through distruction...now I need to figure out how to make changes through creation.

One: Decide where I want to be in life. Check
Two: Decide how to get there...still perfecting...
Three: Do it! Not yet there.

Seems easy, so why do we as a whole not do this all the time? Why is it that I haven't done this before? Because simplicity is so hard. Try to make something simple, it isn't easy. Simplicity is so hard to us because we are creatures of over analysing, needing to complicate and finding the dificult in the facile...I have spent the last years of my research and acting/directing training trying to find simplicity, and it is still the hardest moment on stage. Its not easy to explain, and harder still to show, if you complicate...and I do...perhaps the earlier statement of we as a people do this is not true...actually it is not a blanket statement that can be made, but it can be of me. I tend to lump people in my category of problems, forgetting that we are all wired a little different. So, here is the rant of today. And the question is how can I make this more simple without complicating things.

Random flamboyantly gay moment: I can't wait to see 27 Dresses...

With Love,

Lestat

sorry no posts

2007-08-04T14:48:00.000-04:00

So only a few more days are left. What is up with that? I have been so busy, learning a new job and working on lines and designing costumes that I have had no time to think of much. So, sorry for the long pause. I am just going to try to make it one day at a time...

Day 29 down on to day 28

2007-07-11T02:30:00.000-04:00

Howie: It's my turn to wait, and I will wait long enough.
~Broken Hearts Club

It is my turn to wait, and wait long enough...not for you, but for someone who is worthy of me. someone who I will fall madly for. Already, you romove the sex, and the romatantic comes full force. But sitting at the bar, staring at a boy who for right now is perfect, but who is not ready for me. I have to remember that I have to wait. Timing in comedy is everything, and it is the same for life. I am always so sad that as far as it is known Aristotle only wrote about tragedy. Perhaps this is because he knew tragedy needed rules, but comedy from the beginning of time on has always had specific rules. I know I am over exageratting, but in my opinion tragedy is broad, and comedy is narrow. Everyone can see in an instant when something in comedy works, where in tragedy there are many combinations that might work, or that do work. I think I would have enjoyed Aristotle's anal retentiveness more if he had written about comedy. I like many of the Christina Yang's of this world (I know I am Meredith, but really they are cut from the same cloth and I share Yang's sense of ocd) am obsessed with textbook answers. Comedy is textbook, and hard. You have to be born with it or overly study the manual. The reason I am so good at comedy is I am textbook with it. I follow the rules. I wasn't born into it, and although I was born a storyteller, I am not a natural actor. I have had to study and grind and build my craft. That is why it is so interesting to me to see natural talent. That is why I am so impressed by it, even knowing that although it is so impressive, they often lack the disipline of learned actors. Not to mention the degrees in between, let me go binary for a moment (i know I hate binary, but for the purposes of this blog I will amuse the binarists out there). I need to become proud of who I am again. I think that is why I am going onto these 30 days. And hopefully I can keep it up, and find out things to let me aquire the will to be proud, without the need for people to recognize it. That is really what this is about, I need to focus on that rather than the romantic notions that I am doing this for a man, because in the end, if I don't do it for myself, its not worth it...I think we have hit the stage of pre-mature enlightenment, we may be able to go somewhere with this, if I don't focus on it and use it as a shield to become enlightened...Ok, I am exhaused I should go to bed.

I hurt myself today...

2007-07-10T00:22:00.000-04:00

Dennis: You sure know how to pick them.
Benji: I know, I can't help myself, they remind me of how it used to be, where you look around and every guy in the room is just a
Dennis: Possibility
Benji: Yeah and then you find out WE are the possiblity.
~Broken Hearts Club

When did the endless world of possibilities turn into the us as posibilities? As if we don't have enough problems coming out, we shoot out of the closet and run around with guys that make us bitter and jaded. Then we all become bitter gay men, which sturcturalism taught us to mean we are all the same bitter jaded gay man...Yes I do enjoy boiling structuralism down to its basic premise. I guess day one is over. I have survived the first day without sex, ok, like I have it all the time, but I did have it more than the average guy. I guess perhaps I should let you know what spurred this adventure, other than the fact of boys...Perhaps I have been having too much sex, not that it gives anyone the right to call me a slut, also, I am always using sex as a way to validate myself, to feel better, to fix what He broke (he here is in the universal sense, naturally). And, perhaps I should nit, not to find McVet, because lets face it, he just lets my dog that symbolizes McDreamy die reminding me of that relationship. Okay, enough with the Meredith metaphors. But really, I do need to fix me. I need to figure out what makes me feel the way I do. Why am I still hung up on these boys who are not worth it. Why am I a romantic, and is that something I am able to obtain, or is it something I am not willing to allow myself that pleasure. Barring the whole monkey theory that groups of gay men are a group of monkeys that during mating time the men gather and kill each other, but well, the Coles/Brian Kenny's out there without a soul, make us that are him, look bad. Ok, I know I am babeling but it is late. So, I sleep around a lot, perhaps this is something that is making me look bad, and it gives McDreamy something to fuel horrible fires about me to all the other gay Seattle Grace. But you know, really I just need to stop having sex so that when I do, perhaps I will find someone who can wait with me. Perhaps I will.

Lestat what r u thinking?

2007-07-08T23:03:00.000-04:00

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (QAF Episode: 506)

So, day one begins tonight at 10:04 pm. One month of not sleeping with someone. One month of not going home with someone. Lets see if I can do it??? I will blog everyday about what is up. That is right, 30 days without a man...what will it do to me.

;)

And this one is named Blue...

2007-07-08T21:42:00.000-04:00

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too (QAF Ep. 403)

Sometimes, we all do stupid things to make us feel better, and as you have read this blog know that I am the one who does that with furver. What is wrong with me? I am the dirty mistress, but how long do I have to pay for that? How do I make it stop? No, I am not sleeping with a taken guy right now, but I do still sleep around, and although that doesn't give that man a right to call me a slut, it doesn't make me feel any better about my choices. So, Dr. McDreamy fucked me, McVet doesn't want me, and Dr. McSteamy just want to fuck me. So, I went away from the McLife and tried something else, but where is the life there. I don't need the Mc, but I need the life. Where is that for me now, I am not ready to be pushed aside and hung on the shelf. I still need something, some kind of love. And, yes maybe I don't allow myself to do that, maybe I don't allow myself the room, the disipline to go with that, but I have always known what I want, and perhaps now I am looking for someone to change my life. Or maybe I have always wanted that.

duh

2007-07-07T02:54:00.000-04:00

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (Qaf Episode: 506)

I hate boys, and straight men in the closet....

Seriamente

2007-07-06T11:55:00.000-04:00

Ben: What?
Michael: I'm just looking. You are so beautiful.
Ben: You're kind of cute yourself. (QAF Episode: 401)

I think life is harder than you make it. I think really it is just a series of moments that our emotions make complex. A hug is really just a comfort we make into a complex situation. After all these years am I beginning to think the Greeks were right with the three part harmony. Perhaps getting the emotions under control is the answer. Sitting at the pub last night, a friend talked to me about the fact that theatre people are quite subdued because our emotions are all lived out on stage. I thought that, but recently since last October I have been triggered into massive emotions in real life, most of which have emerged because of hugs and a silly little thing called lust, love and other emotions of the similar. When I was young a snake bit me and I was infected with a poison called love that made me a romantic. I have tried to find the antidote but sex doesn't work anymore. Or does it, it makes the pain easier and we have already established that I am Meredith Grey and that going to the pub and picking up a guy is my thing. I have been re-watching the series and yes I am her, only my McDreamy was an asshole who still tries to ruin my life, even though he doesn't do it in public and I am the one who finds out about it so I have to pretend that we are friends and keep my cool...Hating him, scratch that hating anyone is the most exhausting...so I put it away, but then something happens, and I am realize I can't escape the wrath...but then a friend who used to be a love, hugs me tells me he his grateful we are friends and I realize McDreamy has no power...and life goes on.

When Love Comes...

2007-07-05T04:01:00.000-04:00

Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)

What happens when happily ever after isn't for you. What if your McDreamy does pic Addison, or your Meridith picks McVet...and although I am no Carrie at the prom with pigs blood on me, I can't help but think I have missed my romance. Oh, believe me I have had the perfect romance, from several guys, its just that my Prince Charming's are all Prince Pricks and I am the slut who has the problem. I am sick and tired of being the dirty slut, because I play that role, and so therefor happily ever after doesn't apply to me. It is my fault, well fine ok, I have been alright with it but now, I am not. If you play me the villain, then that is your problem. I am not the villain or the victim, I am however the lead man of my life, and it is not my fault you don't get to blame me anymore. Or at least not in my mind you don't get to blame me. I am worthy of life, therefor I am worthy of love (i know cue music, lights and get ready for the credits) the unfortunate reality is in real life we don't have the after the credits. If we did perhaps we would realize that the Pretty Woman did go back to being a whore after a year of happiness. But I am still a romantic, I still believe it is out there, and if I have to settle for the mundane, then that is what I have to settle for. So the guy in the armor wasn't mine, but the squire to the left is...does that make the fairy tale less accurate, or is this the new fairy tale, the Shrek, the Happily N'ever After, the Knocked Up...Perhaps that is my fairy tale and I don't get the fire hot passion, the fire hot romance, the longing of a lifetime that I have already have had, isn't for the real romance of forever...perhaps I get baby passion, baby fire and no longing to settle for stability. Someone who will stay with me forever, even if I don't get weak every time they say hey, every time I see them, every time we fight and make up. Perhaps that is not the real romance I want, perhaps I do want the stability of the non fire romance, and perhaps that is ok. I have finally come to realize i need to stop chasing the guys who aren't chasing me...growing up sucks...

Blackholes and revelations

2007-07-04T04:43:00.000-04:00

Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (QAF Episode: 313)

In life timing is everything. When we have it we have it, when we don't well it sucks. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have it these days. I am so unfocused. Yes, boys, they suck, btw. I have no timing with boys, and yes I us the youthful term because they are young and stupid and I am at least stupid for chasing after them. After everything, I should be swear them off as I do all the time and then go on an orgiastic free for all. But that would fall under the heading of keeping in the same pattern and somehow I need to get out of that. Although there is a fight, it should not be my fight. If I am going to fight for a boy perhaps they should be prepared to fight for me sometime. Otherwise, I need to leave them alone, and move on, except for the little timing issue. Should I hold out for the right time, or should I not...the real answer is not, because in the end when the timing is right, it will be right. And besides, if I do need ass I can get it and if I need a relationship I need to realize, the time is not right.

Tah for now.

Today is better

2007-06-19T23:06:00.000-04:00

Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century. (qaf ep 314)

You know, I feel so much better now that I bitched for a bit, I feel so much less stress about the situation. and who cares if I don't have a man, I haven't needed one for this long, whats the point in needing one now. I understand if its ment to be, but I just really need to focus on my patience. I am watching my three beautiful girls playing with toys and each other and I think of how blessed I am and that I am not the only one who feels this way, well surely I can't be, how many damn romantic movies have been made, and yes I am a romantic. La la la. I wish I could go out and dance tonight, it feels like forever since I have. I want to go and feel the music and dance till the night is over and the sun is coming over the hill. Not necessarily with anyone, just with a group of people I love or in a room with complete strangers, which can be fullfilling sometimes to realize no expectations or preconceived notions are around. I guess this is why I like going out to new places. Of course this is why, I get to be something a little different each time, not lying more like exploring the other parts of me. tah for now.

Don't you ever want to just...

2007-06-19T11:34:00.000-04:00

Debbie: Yeah? I have news for you. God says you stink! (QAF Episode: 510)

I can't believe its been seven years. Seven long years since I have had a boyfriend. Oh I have had the dates, the I'm see him, the fuck, the fun and so forth, but seven years since I have had a honest boyfriend. And usually I am OK with this, usually I am very OK with this, and usually I don't dwell on it. But today is one of those days when I realize how much I think I am undate-able. No really hear me out. I can't keep a boy interested in, and if I do, they don't want to date me, just want to fuck me, because I am the guy that you don't take home to mom. I am loud and fun. I am the guy that you meet at the club and you are dying to take home, and try as I might I cannot change the fact that I love to go out, have fun and be out with the boys. This doesn't mean that I will fuck anything that walks, or that I have a standard or that I have to need something all the damn time. However, what it does mean is that I am "a slut." And apparently it means that I am "your slut." Well I am not. Let me just say that I can be the boy you take home to mom, if you will let me. If you will be open to the fact that just because I go out doesn't mean I can't show some self restraint then you have missed out on what makes me the person I am. I'm not Brian Kenny for fuck sake...I am Michael if you will let me be. I'm done with this attitude towards me, if you only want to take me home you can talk to your hand and please yourself. I am so fucking angry at the situation. Damn boys...

The hammer

2006-10-18T09:16:00.000-04:00

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too. (QAF Episode 403)

I don't know when or where we learn hurt or pain, but eventually we all do. Eventually the lies of a golden perfect world die out and the bitter prune world come into being. As an artist I am very familure with distruction and pain, hell, its half our twisted lives until we learn to grow up and let the art flow through us. We don't have to be this misguided/misunderstood artist who wears black and smokes and has twenty cups of coffe in one day and still has no energy. Its the idea of destroy to create. I don't understand why I as a person always feel like I have to destroy a thing to create something new for me or that I must destroy myself to create a new me. This isn't true, it is one (albeit dangerous) road. It is something recently I have been trying to avoid. For those of you who read another public blog of mine, I talk of the hitting ourselves with a hammer and how we love it. Not because we need the pain, but because it feels so good when we stop. For that I am the worst at. I like the rush the feel of exhaustion after a long hard days work, but this exhaustion from personal pain I don't like. I don't like seeing a can of campbell's soup in my room that I have brought in from my car and feeling the memories wash over me and then having to pull myself out of the memories to become a normal person again. I didn't lose someone, I left someone. There shouldn't be this much pain from leaving. It should be easy. It should be quicker pain, like ripping off a band aid. But instead we pull out the old hammer again. It doesn't help to be an artist when all of this is going on. Because we have a natural hammer working at us...When are we cast now, when do we get through rehearsals, the director is too hard, the director hates me, I can't find motivation, boo-hoo, then the release of performance comes and all is lifted. We forget somethings. The hammer is taken away and we get the bows. And then back to the hammer. I think Dr. Grey from Grey's Anatomy said it best, "There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."

Perhaps I am not as smart as I think

2006-10-16T19:05:00.000-04:00

Brian: Why can't we just stay here and cuddle? (QAF Episode: 513)

I have been so confused lately, and it is my own fault. I am jack's lack of enthusiasm. It seems I should be listening to the councel of my friends, but instead I have been working towards my own stupidity. I know when things are hot and that I shouldn't touch, but it is the intrigue that keeps me going to it. I must explore. I make mistakes to learn...I am afraid this may be my undoing. I seek too much. I explore too much and don't realize the effects the journey has on me. I don't realize how much I can get hurt and that my appetite for life might sicken.

I won't say that I think the moment your heart breaks you should cease to exist. I don't believe that anymore. Mainly, because my heart has broken too much, and I know I can't die, I just have to pull myself up by my boot straps and go on. But, like a stupid boy that I am I try too hard for the things that cannot make me happy. Boys that cannot make me happy.

And to be completely overly dramatic, I will say, perhaps there is not someone that will make me happy. Maybe I need to give up on it, because it will come if it will and if it won't, I have no control over it. It is something I am afraid of, losing control. But this is one thing I have to loose control of...And besides, I have a life to live. I have places to go, a life to live. And I want that, life, career, and more...but I guess I will settle for two things I am very thankful for: life and career.

Let's focus on that for now...

Soy un fregadero desenchufado

2006-10-04T09:33:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I think walk around with a sign on my head that reads either, "soy estupido" or "Lastimeme, yo no cuidan." And for those of you espanol majors out there, I know I don't use the accents, they eff up my html, so boo whore. Back to my useless life. I know I am egocentric, I thought that was why you read, it's obviously why I write.

Yesterday, the good little boy traveled to work at 7:00am hoping to discover the meaning of life, for he was always looking. At work he found wonders of coffee and a shoulder he could cry on, however he had forgotten his lunch and gold fishees. You see he had just gone to bed at 5:00 that same morning (The moral of this part of the story is he got to work on time). From being too drunk and playing the role of Meredith Grey. Quickly he left

Interuption: in todays news, my boss just pasted through and I gave her an update, and she just ask me if I was talking to her. She appologized and said she wasn't even listening...and my response was, right now, no one I want to listen is, so why should you be any different...pity party of one...dear diary, right, well that is what this is.

Quckly he left for class answering a text from BJ, who hopes he has a good day after such a crazy night, U 2, said Lestat who doesn't mention the fact that he is a bit put off BJ didn't sleep in the bed last night. 2 classes later and Lestat finds out that BJ texted are you mad? No I am not Aron asshole. but Lestat ends up going to his work to see him, Lestat validates this by buying a bday present for his niece. He is so clever. After shopping and eating, it's on to rehearsal and then to grey's anatomy where our hero spends the whole night crying and texting BJ who is "talking to his boyfriend online." We end the night on the phone. So, I am the other woman, and I am just waiting for him to leave.

Fast forward to a conversation with Jake. I know he's a player, but I am not going to see him. I am not going to go out with him this week...

and I relize, I am only trying to convense myself.

El rey de gris

2006-10-03T09:49:00.000-04:00

Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them.
(QAF, Episode 407)

When did I become Meredith Grey? So, I did that thing you aren't suppose to do. I did it. he hears the laughs from the peanut galarie and realizes that he must explain which thing. Well, it was many things. I wasn't suppose to kiss him, or sleep with him, or tell him I was falling for him a dramatic pause of gasps you see it all happened so unnaturally...So positively crazily...That we forgot to stop pretending.

It happened last night our Peter Pan attitude shifted. A series of numbers and it was over. 1, 2, 7, 18... The price of the beer, the number of people in love, the number of months that one of the 2 had been in love, the number of beers consumed by 4 wait I left a number out, perhaps for the better. That is right there were 4 people who left the bar together and three that stayed over last night and 2 on couches and one (myself) in bed. What a circle.

I have been loosing weight and gaining inches if that is possible. I stand at 137 a mere 2 pounds till I have my goal weight and I still can't get past the 32 in mark. Now usually I would agree for the small person to shut the eff up, but recently I was 36-38 in and 180 pounds on a frame that was never over 135 and 28 in. I want my last 2 in off. I know I am a bastard. But we covered that in me sleeping with a man who is attached. Thanks, Bitch, table for one, ummmm bye now.

When did it become not so easy to dump a guy, especially one that isn't available. Perhaps, it is because he has treated me better by being with someone else than any single man has treated me before? It is probably true. I am a dreadful bore. Since I feel for a taken man, does that mean in a few years I will go after a wife beater and be the wife???

I have so many questions today and I know none of them can be answered, and in fact I am okay with this.

Finish coffee, spell check, and move on...

En un agujero

2006-09-29T15:50:00.000-04:00

Brandon: If I win, I get back into Babylon. And what if I lose?
Brian: Then I get into you. (QAF Episode: 507)

A pill box lid opens as I take a Tylenol to protect my head from my hang over. It seems to me that I have had quite a long silence from the last blog. Wake up at 6:00 am to the sounds of 4 alarm clocks twisting my insides, take out puppies if I can wake up or vote to wait until the roomies wake up. Momentary lapses and I go shower 7:15 in my car, fumando. The taste is good in my boca but I realize I have one day to quit and my breath with stink for years. I've quit before, the taste lingers in your mouth. Every so often when you catch the smell of a moment that you enjoyed with a long stick of cancer in a time when you were young and untouchable and your mouth fill with the taste of the ashtray. despertar suenos de fumar. Better not to think about this aqui, no you are parallel parking on the curb. And you start your decent up to work, it is 10 minutos till 8, and you realize you only live 5 min away from work. Your visions go to the night, what did you do. Los besos en una boca, la brasos, su penga. What happened to the idea that I was going to take it slow, as to actually build something worthwhile rather than have some sex fest with someone I care about until I wake up bored and realize that you’re cheating on me? Hello Hailey, big fake smile as I run past la puerta en mi oficina. Get my mind out of the micro world and into the land of the dead, los secreterios. I am a glorified receptionist, I am so effing happy. Run down the day, hour for lunch, a grad class here or there una hora por dinner. I rehearse at 6 with 2 five min breaks and then straight at nine work till 2, get into my car to go to a bed with a man I spent the last two weeks with sleeping next to him want to touch him and not, until last night. I'm a slut, but so was he. We both made that decision. To quote a great band, “I just can't sleep alone..." but is it because of him or me?

I get distracted by el guapo extra. He's talking of nothing important and I don't really thing he needs to do that, better seen not heard. He's blonde, figuratively.

I walk look back on the opening of my shows this week and realize, is this it, is this what I worked so hard for. I am proud of them, but was it worth it after the cups the marmalade the tea, perhaps some talk of you and me.

I sip more coffee and ponder, I am so effing pretentious.

I'm Back

2006-09-07T17:41:00.000-04:00

"This is not going to be another one of those 'Queer as Folk' pep talks, is it?" Ari to Lloyd on "Entourage."

As I sit here and look around at the world around me I think, it has been too long since I have posted a blog. I am a bit overwhelmed by school now. I am up to my neck in producing a series of short plays and I am a bit on edge. I don't have much to post now, but hopefully this will get the ball rolling again.

no fumar

2005-12-19T14:01:00.000-04:00

no fumar
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

title: no fumar

QAF
Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here? (Ep. 120)

Open to the toilet seat every night. I started about a week and a half ago. Waking, not being able to breathe, puking because of it. I thought I was just sick. Open a bottle of meds pop the Nyquil or Dayquil, try to sleep for 2 hours and get back to work. Grad school is demanding. I finally went to the doctors 3 or 4 days after this started, okay I wasn't going to go until I puked the blood. I went to the doctors to get a Z-Pac and go home. But what I received was what I feared most.

Enter Asthma stage right. The ghost that I had defeated in the past, my Voldemort. Now, newly revived. I had to start a breathing treatment immediately.

Flashback to when I was a kid, on the floor with a breathing machine watching Sesame Street.

I sat in the room hooked up to a breathing machine thinking of the statements the doctors made. You have the breath of a small child, a girl small child. She scoffs and asks how I ever was a dancer or had enough breath to act.

I remember the hospitals, the nights of not breathing, and the millions of reasons why I can't have asthma again.

My voice is still gone, scratchy, and not up to do a show. I have only a few weeks to the role of my life and I may have f*cked it up royally.

This is why I now have no fumar in my life. It is officially day 5 since I threw the fags away. My breathing is better. I haven't had an attack in 2 days. I use an inhaler 4 times a day for now, and have a set of pills that make me real dizzy. One in the morning and one at night. I am not to operate heavy machinery and I am glad I don't have a boyfriend right now.

I wake up and move on. I miss the first drag of a fag in the morning, or with a pint. I will not lie; this is the worst feeling of my life wanting something that is killing me. I feel so stupid, but I was for smoking in the first place. eh.

I am reading the book A Million Little Pieces. It's about an addict in rehab. Now, I don't feel so bad about myself and seeing what he went through makes me feel a little silly about wanting a fag so much. But I still do. And even people in rehab get to smoke.

Bitter, party of one...

I danced yesterday and although I was dizzy from the meds...I was happy...

fade out, cue inspiring music, go cry in the dark corner...

2005-12-09T16:45:00.000-04:00

QAF Quote:
Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (Episode: 313)

This is how I feel...

2005-12-05T14:55:00.000-04:00

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 11:00am, Yes all be jealous, but know that this is the first in a while of me getting up this late.

2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS ? Neither, don't really care for them.

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Harry Potter

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. show? The only show on TV: LOST, Nip/Tuck is a close 2nd.

5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Nothing today.

6. What IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Scott

7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Mexican

8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Not much, turnips and beats

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? Salt and Vinigar

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? The Joshua Tree, has and will be my favorite for a while, long live U2

11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Ford Escort ZX2

12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? PBAJ (apple jelly)

13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Ego

14. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU LOVE MOST? Hope

15. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Anything that looks good on me, and looks better off ;)

16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Prague or Barcelona

17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? Black white and green

18. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? I love me some Merona, ie cheap Metro/gay where that looks hot, business/chiq

19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? Spain or Hawaii

20. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? The one with the least presents and most friends, as of now I cannot tell you the year.

21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? futball, and no I didn't mispell it to the American readers it is soccer. And rugby.

22. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? Well, this is suppose to be an email, but I am lazy and like to blog. So you tell me leave a response!!

23. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? again leave a response and put this on your blog!!

24. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? see above

25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 23 Nov

26. WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?? Of what?

27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? I'm a nightie he he

28. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 8

29. ANY PETS? I have joint custody of a mini pinnie

30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Found a nice little pub last night and yes, I gave the bartender my number...

31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Indiana Jones

32. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired, too many Grad papers

33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? something with caramel and almonds, mmmmmm

34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? I love fire and ice roses, but birds of paradise are so beautiful

35. WHAT IS A DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? Honestly? Not sure- yet.

36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Czech Republic.

37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? Baths, reading outside and being around close friends

atrapado

2005-12-02T14:01:00.000-04:00

dull friday blues...I saved this draft to edit later, well maybe not edit but to finish. Work is good...better if I am not there...

2005-11-29T17:52:00.000-04:00

en el agotamiento

QAF Quote:
Brian: Who told you I was here, Rosencrantz or Guildenstern? (Episode: 201)

Open to a dark room piled with books. This is the life of a grad student. Yes pouring over thousand of pieces of literature and information in the attempt to get a nice little MA degree. Yeah! I am so happy!

Box that lie and sell it on ebay.

I feel so behind. I have so much to do. Procrastination sucks. Okay, being just plain busy sucks.

To my dear Babs, we need to get away. I miss talking to you everyday. I haven't heard your voice in so long.

Box a tear and send it to her.

I have been writing in chopped blocks so much right now. And I have to finish up this script soon. I have an amazing new scene being constructed in my head. Should be putting that down on paper right now, but will have to wait for a second. It starts with the line from Prufrock

And the evening sleeps so peacefully...

I think Michel knows the women that G talks with and they talk to him. Maybe. Haven't decided. But I am 2 scenes ahead of myself. Not that I have written it in order, or maybe I did. Check out the order soon. Give a copy to a friend, a critic and finally to myself...no sleep...coffee after coffee. And yes I have measured out my life in coffee spoons and I do hear the voices dying with a dying fall and HAVE presumed...

I have been giving thought to what is worth it the last few days. What is worth my time?

Spent time with good friends the other night, with Juanita and Lucia what a great time, but of course Lucia has to look up my birthday and tell me about myself. I am so textbook when I read horoscopes and such. It sucks. That's my American phrase today. It sucks, okay backspace the negativity. I didn't take time to create my day. I also didn't get to run. I feel crazy. Maybe when I get in tonight I will have time. But I need to study lines, get my orals ready, and write some papers. boo... oh well,

cheers guys,

L

funcionamiento en vacío

2005-11-28T15:28:00.000-04:00

Quote from QAF:
Ted: Crunchy granola? Are you girls trying to convert me? (Episode: 402)

Scene opens in darkness...

a light shines on the stage and gives it form...

I will learn how to create my day as well if not better than my plays...

great I'm doing poetry again...

Jump out of bed and put on a marshmellow outfit to run. I am trying to do it for 40 days. Keep the Turkey day pounds off, Christmas pounds off and to sound more enlightened...on the jog I stop thinking... only the huffs ring in my ears...

It is an iteresting sensation going on a run. Low in breath, so you breath in so much your lungs fill with oxygen and send blood to the brain. Euforia, adrinaline and a general state of high settles.

I run out of breath quickly...thoughts flood me again, why am I still a smoker, asthma sucks, and I start to walk.

Thoughts of things I need to do, creations for the day run into my head...I leave the area I am walking in and travel through my brain...does this make me sound smart, am I deep...wait backspace, that is what I am thinking now. I finish my walk and go to deposit in my account. I am getting low. Need more cash...

I stop by the 99 peso store to grab something, it's closed, nothing in the fabric shop next to it, I decide to take a walk to a store next door and look around for a bit.

I try the door, no one there, only a few minutes till they open I start to wait and hear a friendly voice. Valencia is there.

"36, you told someone I was 36!" I said as I hugged her neck. We talked in her car as we waited to go inside. Inside the store we found nothing but friendship and reconnection. We exchanged numbers again and will start work soon.

Fly to school. I have no time and forget 3 things before leaving. I don't have my lines down as well as I want to. Damn.

Onto work, am met with a sad story. Need to help, don't know how. Hope it is well with you if this screen can connect to you...hug...

I see my co-worker come in and I want to grab a break so I can eat. He runs out. Not in the literal sense, he just left for an errand. What a day.

Sicopático

2005-11-10T18:46:00.000-04:00

Sicopático
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Ben: Are you okay?
Michael: I don't know. I just can't seem to settle down, you know? Too much excitement, I guess.
Ben: Ah. Has been pretty eventful.
Michael: No shit. My head is spinning. The Ride and the baby and the wedding.
Ben: Can you believe we're really married?
Michael: Are we? Really?
Ben: Of course we are.
Michael: But we don't live in Canada. We live here. So, is it still real?
Ben: Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?
Michael: So worth it. (Episode: 414)
:: submitted by kalindy

open page...

In recent events Texas has just banned gay marriage...again...

Change subject quickly as to avoid hostel situation...

I am recently living in a haze. I have finally come to a place in theatre where I am extremely happy. I am very excited about Romeo and Juliet. I am the fight choreographer and playing Mercutio. The guys have been working hard and learning the choreography...I am in hog heaven...

haze lifts for a moment and I realize how tired I am. I look at my school and begin to realize this might not be the place for me...knowing I have only a year left leaves me happy and I think of the life I will have soon...

Destination unknown...

Along with the many million Americans I have become entranced with Lost. I have connected with it and getting on a plane will never be the same. I will always have to think, will I survive and in what state?

Page break and pause to think of something else witty to say...

I feel my life coming to a slow drag these days. I am tired of being the sweet little person everyone loves, but I still long to be that person. I am torn inside. Part of me is very glad Seussical is over. Backspace line should read I am very glad Seussical is over. pause, mind shifts to a post mortem for the show that is happening tonight. I can't be there... Another rehearsal conflicts. But I really need to be there. I also should be typing up a letter of why I am not there and what I want to say. I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about that show. I don't like to be a diva bitch, but if I am forced to play that role I will. I did act first.

Realization that I am beating a dead horse and not wanting to complain...

Attention again to R&J, and I remember all I have to do tonight. I want to take a nap.

Work is almost over...I feel like Ted from Queer as Folk when at work...I walk around like I am dead inside...Its because I am...

End Transcript Sign off

2005-09-24T01:42:00.000-04:00

I do this all the time when I can't get a hold of people I know and love...

en la calle

2005-09-24T01:36:00.000-04:00

en la calle
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Michael: If you don't answer it he'll go away.
Brian: You said I was welcome anytime. (Queer as Folk Episode: 302)

It has been one of those times, when I have flown off to Neverland. I am Peter Pan by the way, the boy that never grew up.

After watching, no backspace, crying through Finding Neverland, I remember why Theatre is the only place for me. I will never grow up...

...J.M. Barrie: [watching George react to the knowledge that his mother is seriously ill] Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds... you became a grown-up...

But Peter does grow up, and I remember the moment I did. I was too young. We are always too young when we do...I remember long summers with my mother. My sister is dyslexic and had to go to Sylvan. It never hindered her in school and she grew up one of the most popular girls, no one ever knowing the first years of her life living with a "learning handicap." She was cured, because that is what happens to diseases, but I digress as that is another story. My mother would take me with her to the neighboring town as my sister went to the learning center. Our "biggest small town in the world" had no such center. We would go and look at sheet music in the piano stores, shop, go to the bookstores, and eat TCBY ice cream as my sister toiled away working on learning. It was later that my mother took me back to this town to do these things when my sister was all grown up, that I began to realize it was her way watching me grow up. With each new time I learned more.

Later when Christianity took over my life... (I am still a believer, my views have just shifted)...I became in my mother's words, "the spiritual leader" in our family. I was set off to do great things...

...later when I left "The Calling" I was to do great things in theatre, and now I have specialized fields she has labeled I will do great things in...

...I remember realizing that I was to take charge, which is why I do so now...I rush in, I make things right...I protect people and make sure they know...

...backspace once again, when my sister was in high school I had to help her with her homework every night...I remember never having to study, but studying what my sister needed, as I had to help her...
...My sister and I were never in high school together...I went in the year after she left...

...new page...

I shift endlessly down a street as others walk by and do not notice me...I am spending much of my time working on things to fill up my life, forgetting the one life that should have meaning to me, my own...but I have known for too long...it's why I don't have a boyfriend...I am already married, and my husband is very jealous and keeps me locked in his attention...Senior Theatre and his little boy Peter Pan...

...save draft in folder, title it, notes on my life...

I will tuck it away for when I need to write my autobiography, or maybe get a play started...but for now I will go on...I wasn't suppose to type any of this...

...new post to be written I entitle it en la calle, because I want to write about this cool pic, but will end up writing superficial crap...

Seussical is going well. I am happy to busy my life away, and have enjoyed several new learning experiences that this process has begun to show me... I truly am looking for the "Tower of Learning." What a process. Several new and exciting people in my life and they are helping me, I thank them with all my heart. I have climbed a latter...grown up a little...I feel Peter Pan fading away...I watched Finding Neverland tonight and long to become young again, but the moment has passed, when I was too young to remember...

...insert story...

...insert point...

...marvel at my wittiness and wait for someone to comment, because I crave attention and need love...

...I wrap up the post, spell check it, look through the words and find better ones...

...look over realize I have my wonderful dog here (I have joint custody, long story for another time) and remember that life is worth living hug and kiss on him and then we both go to bed...

adiós

2005-09-15T00:51:00.000-04:00

adiós
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Melanie: It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is (Queer as Folk, Episode 406).

Sometimes, I get the feeling that the act of communication is dead. Yes, what my life has turned into is, "a failure to communicate." So, much is dependent on the act of communicating. Too bad we as human spend so much time learning how to only to give it up when we don't care.

Doctor: It's a priapism, a blood clot to the penis.
Emmett: Well that's better than a blood clot to the head.
Ted: Unless you think with your dick(Queer as Folk, Episode 209).

So many times have I said goodbye because of the lack of this simple, easy connection two people can make. I get mad at few things in my life enough to exit a situation. One, when I am under-appreciated. Two, when I am not wanted around. Finally, three is the discontinuation of fellowship.

It is not unknown that I run with a tight group of people I consider to be close to me. I tell them everything and more. I consider them advisors, cadre, familia, coterie, morale boosters, and most of all supporters of me. I expect them to question me and fight me, but to also see my side of things. If we differ on opinion then lets talk it out. If we agree to disagree then so be it. Sometimes we fight tooth and nail at things, but in the end we can communicate through things and remain amigos.

Because of this it is with no ease that I let one leave and exit my life. It is not my nature to be gregarious with friends I have loved as brothers...

...it feels like a vast vortex in my heart. I feel hurt...

...however, as I close a door tonight in my life, I turn the light on. Hoping that one so inclined will knock and after time be invited back in. I don't believe in burning bridges, however I do think of ends as sand upon a beach. Maybe, hopefully, oneday the sand will return and restore my shore. So too can friends come back and restore themselves. It takes time, but that is a valuable commodity so few are willing to give up. But, if the heart is willing it will be rewarded.

The light is on, and I am home.

cheers

2005-09-13T03:34:00.000-04:00

cheers
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Jennifer: He told the therapist that he likes dick.
Debbie: See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again! (Queer as Folk, Episode 105)

Let's have a round for Lestat. He has finished cutting out Babs' muslin dress pattern for Seussical!!! Now I only have to put it together and try it on her! Superboy was real excited about my finds and I have most of whoville done. Yeah for small victories.

I am becoming much happier, even with my current perdicament. See earlier posts. My other show is going well. We had a breakthrough. I saw a spark hit them and they know now what this little play can be. Yeah for me as a director.

I saw 2 old friends this weekend. Had a great time at the bar on Sunday night. Let's just say, I walked home...

Okay, so as you can tell this blog is a, let's cheer Lestat up one. I can't wait for tomorrow night for drinks with Babs. It will be wonderful. I am sure. I have missed her so much and haven't been able to see her much since our trip to "The City" a few weeks ago.

I have been doing a lot of remembering of Prague. I miss it so much. To be there again and to experience it. The life and passion it brought out in me. What great times. My writing is at a stand still, but hey, what's new?

Life is getting better...I hope. I really want to see Emily Rose and piss my pants soon. Hopefully that will happen.

Rezo

2005-09-11T17:32:00.000-04:00

rezo
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Eileen: I was walking to work.
Robert: I had taken the subway like always.
Brian: My brother and I were fighting.
Rich: I was standing right there.
Casey: We were asleep; we had just made love and dozed off together.
Joshua: I had a speech that day, no one told me; I was miles away.
Robert: The subway stopped and blinked for several minutes, typical.
Eileen: There was a plane, flying, so beautifully, in an amazing path above me.
Rich: I waslked away and didn't even look at it, or see the plane.
Joshua: I had never seen it and never will.
Casey: We had slept in that day because we didn't have class until one.
Eileen: This plane flew with purpose. I knew something was very wrong.
Joshua: I was nervous for my speech so I didn't notice the world around me.
Robert: All of us sitting there waiting, it's funny I remember thinking about Godot.
Eileen: I saw it crash into...(long pause)...I turned around and went home, I didn't care about work and I figured they wouldn't mind if I called in sick.
Rich: I heard it. I fell. And finally started to run.
Joshua: Couldn't hear it, too far away. But later the busy signal was the only sound I could hear.
Casey: I woke up and saw the cloud from our window.
Brian: My brother got a call. I watched him put on his fireman's uniform and he had to go.
Robert: When I finally climbed the stairs I felt I had come out to this ghost town, where...the Ghosts were walking around.
Casey: We made love the rest of the day. We needed to feel, not alone.
Rich: If I had stayed there ten more minutes.
Brian: That minute we stopped fighting.
Joshua: My minutes on stage gave me an A in class, but all I wanted was to

All: Cry
~From Talking with Michelangelo. by Lestat Oberon

It doesn't seem that long to me, but I have relized it was 4 years ago. Wow, four years...and I still can hear the busy signal. I still remember how the day went. Everything as clearly as I lived it. Okay, so a little hazey here and there. I remember hearing from Casey, and days later him talking about the vigil being held in New York.

Casey: "You of all people should be here. This is what you are all about. We are all coming together, singing and holding on to one another. We are no longer alone."

I was lucky not to know anyone in the towers that was hurt. I new one that was in one of the towers, but got out, only to see her husband rush in to save a few more people. New York you are strong and my thoughts are with you. New Orleans I know you will be too. This is not the end, only a new beginning.

sonrisa grande

2005-09-11T01:14:00.000-04:00

Genevieve: Can we ever be okay? Look at me; at what I've done to myself, I have lost the part of me I know. You took it. Look at my wrists. Sometimes I claw at them because I don't know what tomorrow holds for you or for me and you are right I do fear being alon. So, I leave thinking it won't hurt me, thingking this time I will be strong enough to say FUCK YOU! But I never am.
~from Talking with Michelangelo, Lestat Oberon

Someone asked me at rehearsals last night if I always smiled. This is a question I get asked regularly and the answer is yes. I am always smilling, however she then asked me a harder question. If I was as happy as I protrayed myself to be. I told her yes I am very happy. Obviously, I lied. It's amazing how easy it was. To tell her I was so very happy. She said good and told me how important that was and how glad she was that I was such a happy person.

Can we stop using the word happy.

And, usually I am a very happy person. I am filled with friends who love me and are near and dear to me. And as long as I have them I am the luckest man alive. I have to remember that.

But recently, I have been having anxioty attacks and have been very down. I wished I wasn't. I wished I was the man I purport myself to be. I just haven't been able to feel happy for a while. I am going on some anxioty pills this week. I hope that will help. I just feel drained. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I have every reason to be. I have filled my life with theatre again. Something I am all too happy to do, however, I am doing it to avoid. Which is very bad news.

Wow, an unplanned visit. Shakes is here so, I am very happy now. Maybe he will keep my mind at ease.

tiempo de cierre

2005-09-10T22:19:00.000-04:00

tiempo de cierre
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Ted: I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity. (Queer as Folk, Episode, 104)

Sometimes I don't know what to think or do. I am in a little bit of hell. Just 4 days out of my mental breakdown, and the world is still coming into focus for me. I don't know what to do sometimes. I wrote a letter to a friend tonight, who I hope will stay that way.

Just a little note to anyone that cares...

Corkey Latores died September 5th, 2005. He was loved and adored by many, and he will be missed. I enjoyed him while he lasted, but it is time to move on. I don't think we should call his name anymore, he has left us...let's just leave it at that.

I am trying to find time to write, but it is too hard. My two subjects feel my mind and I am crumbling at the emotions that are coming up in me. I don't know if Genevieve will guide me anymore. Has it been too long, of course the answer is no, but I miss her presence and I am loosing her voice. You are out there dear friend, talk to me. This new piece I am working on, well, lets just say I should take a break from for a bit. Come back to it later. Also, I need to find a composer/lyricist to write the music to my first piece. NO, it's not a musical, it is a play with music, ha ha.

So, anyway, Life is getting back to normal, well as normal as it can be. I was just put onto crew head for Man Who Camed to Dinner. I told them I was designing another show, wtf. Come on I am producing 2 things, directing, designing and acting, how the hell am I suppose to Crew Head a show. I will figure that out some other time.

I am almost finished with my Costume Bible for Seussical. Very Excited!!!

Babs, we must have drinks soon, I miss you babe.

with love,

Lestat

caída

2005-09-09T10:15:00.000-04:00

caída
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Melanie: That's right; blame the Jew. (QAF Episode 201)

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been not so good. I had a breakdown the other day and I am still dealing with it. I am a bit stretched thin right now and am now looking forward to the weekend. I love doing shows and having things to do, but there are a few things I am a bit ambitious about. These things are not working out. And perhaps they are working out for the better, but I am so tired of feeling like I am shit on. I am not flashy, I don't demand, I don't go after things as aggressively as I should. Perhaps this is my problem. Maybe I should become an asshole? But that is not my style. All I know is that once this show is over, it will be a while before the next musical I do. I am a great chorus boy and it will bring me lots of money in years to come, however, I miss doing things that matter. Things of substance and musicals have never been that for me. Yes, there are some, Cabaret, Rent, A Chorus Line, and Seussical has some great messages, but I am ready to move into my comfort zone again. I am ready to act again, and to not worry about smiling and dancing and singing and being cute. Not that all musicals are like that, but that's what I feel like right now. I also feel just a little out of my element during this show. I have strained my voice from ACL and it still hasn't healed. I am not hitting my tenor part, and it's driving me insane. I have never had problems with this tenor part, because it only goes up to a G for the most part and then the lead tenors take over from there. But I am having so many problems singing the part because I have so much strain on my voice. I have to jump down to base and that makes me feel inadequate, and like I don't deserve to be in the musical. Also, I can't sing the base part because it goes way too low for me half the time. Hello rock, how you doing hard place? On top of that I haven't seen or heard from my co-designer in about a week or two. I am running out of time and have had to design some of her stuff, but since I haven't heard from her, I don't know what else to do. I really wanted to get a guys number but a friend swooped in a got it first. It was neither of their faults, they both have every right to do that, but I am still a little sad. Also, he thinks I am mad at him for stealing the guy. Look you didn't steal him he chose you, and that is his decision. I have to respect that. I am mad about a few other things with him, but I guess I just need to bite the bullet and tell him, although I don't have time to sit and explain to him that he messed with a design of mine and what happens if he doesn’t like what I have for him to wear? I am also mad at a situation with someone he was linked to this summer, but oh well. I am hopefully going to see Superboy this weekend and maybe we can have some good clean fun, or go see a horror movie. I really want to see the Emily Rose movie. I want to pee my pants.

On a positive note...

I am so glad my Babs is back. Just seeing her makes my heart happy.

The Ten Spot

2005-09-08T01:07:00.000-04:00

apesadumbrado
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

10 years ago I was: Ten years ago I was about to have sex for the first time, with a boy.

5 years ago I was: I was in my second year of college having a blast. Sitting on top of the world.

1 year ago I was: I was doing West Side Story, and meeting my closest friends.

Yesterday I was: Having an emotional breakdown.

5 snacks I enjoy: Extreme Pizza Goldfish, popcorn, cookie dough swirled ice cream, munchies, and reeses peanut butter cups.

5 songs I know all the words to: Bohemian Rhapsody; Be My Yoko Ono; The Tower of Learning; Leaving Las Vegas; and Video Killed The Radio Star.

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars: Buy a house in Spain; Buy my own theatre; go hike all the places I wanted to around the world; move out of the U.S.; visit Prague whenever I needed to.

5 places I would run away to: Peru, Czech Republic, Spain, Italy, Greece

5 things I would never wear: a speedo; bra; lamp shade (as in only); colored socks; and leather vest.

5 favorite TV shows: Queer as Folk; Family Guy; Friends, 30 days; Six Feet Under.

5 bad habits: worring; doubting my abilities; procrastinating; falling in lust; being too lead by my emotions.

5 biggest joys: Friends; Theatre; Family; Finding out trival information about history/theatre, learning.

5 favorite toys: my scripts, sewing machine; my dvd's, books, and sketch pad

Cuando hombres y Fortuna me abandonan,

2005-09-04T18:56:00.000-04:00

Cuando hombres y Fortuna me abandonan,
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

XXIX

Cuando hombres y Fortuna me abandonan,
lloro en la soledad de mi destierro,
y al cielo sordo con mis quejas canso
y maldigo al mirar mi desventura,
soñando ser más rico de esperanza,
bello como éste, como aquél rodeado,
deseando el arte de uno, el poder de otro,
insatisfecho con lo que me queda;

a pesar de que casi me desprecio,
pienso en ti y soy feliz y mi alma entonces,
como al amanecer la alondra, se alza
de la tierra sombría y canta al cielo:

pues recordar tu amor es cal fortuna
que no cambio mi estado con los reyes.

Soneta XXIX, William Shakespeare

Jason: I thought I could look on you and everything would be okay. But know I know, it was an ideal neither of us can live up to. You sit hear in a world where everything will always be okay, however, when others pierce the surface we see the imperfections. The loose ties you don't touch for fear of unraveling completely. Well, you better start looking and examining because the cords are frayed and coming undone fast. You cannot leave them because it will be worse for you. But really, don't listen to me. I just loved you.

~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon

Taylor: You can't date him he's weird.

Jason: What are you talking about.

Taylor: Boiled bunnies, okay maybe not, but he's not all there...

Jason: But he love's me and he wants me which is more than I can say about anyone else. I am tired of being Jan Brady. I will not be her. I f*ck who I want when I want to. And he is the man I will sleep with tonight. I'm not going home alone.

Tyler: Is that what you are scared of?

Jason: Yes. No, if you please I will excuse myself to my bunny boiling fuck b*ddy.

Tyler: Jason wait, ahhhhh....

~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon

cólera del amor

2005-09-02T15:55:00.000-04:00

cólera del amor
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Michael: It never changes. Someone drops -- we don’t know if he’s dead or alive -- but nobody misses a beat. The thumpa-thumpa goes on. (QAF Episode: 305)

WTF, okay after being bashed by the AP our lazy President W is having a PR moment saying that there isn't enough funding out there and "on its way." Oh nice Mr. W, I think we all get the point, let’s cover up the ugly woman protesting you out at Crawford on your lovely 2nd vacation of this year. Let’s put more fuel on the fire. The fact that we send our troops over to Iraq to fight in a war that is only another Vietnam is disheartening, but we don't send them into our own country to help the less fortunate. Hello, the people New Orleans are dying (and not just from the natural disaster now) and mayhem has ensued. So, let me get this straight, Bush’s war is more important than the lives of people in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Florida? Okay, I can see that! Obviously, let’s play world police and forget about us. Now, as most of you know I agree with helping other nations and giving aid when needed, but just how much are we helping? Andrew Sullivan said it best the other day in the Wednesday, August 24, 2005 article intitled Iraq's Women. I am just sick to death of us helping countries out and then screwing them up, and when it comes to our country not doing all we can. You don’t want to put our troops in danger, you should have thought a lot harder about sending them to Iraq. No, they need to go into New Orleans and help the distressed, the homeless (yes they are people too, in case you forgot), and the suffering. Are we also going to talk about how faggots should get married as your major agenda in this time like when we had just bombed Iraq for the first time? Or maybe, you are avoiding it like your military duty, you aren’t spending enough time on this because you are running for president again, wait, you can’t in case you don’t remember in the law books. I know, I know, it isn’t his fault completely, but it is very easy to blame the highest man on the totem pole.

On top of all this I am feeling that we have lost a great bit of our culture. Me and the E3 were discussing how this is the town the really gave us a huge part of our jazz culture. This is one of the only American art forms that is appreciated world wide as a turning point and advancement of us Americans. The Voodoo culture center is also suffered a blow. Yes I know there are Voodoo practitioners all over, but this is New Orleans, Louisiana. The ghost’s, the pets (thank you catpants), the love, art, history…where will they go? Will it be rebuilt, can we remember, well it’s been 4 years since Sept 11 and I don’t here any talk of a memorial around where I live. How soon will be forget this? I hope for America’s sake we can start to rebuild this vital city. This is one of our cultural centers. Part of the soul of this great country is New Orleans and my thoughts and meditations go out to it rising again. You will.

expiración del tiempo

2005-09-02T02:23:00.000-04:00

expiración del tiempo
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Brian: He who hesitates, doesn't get laid. (QAF Episode 406)

So after talking with E3 about this I mentioned it to Catpants and Babs and I had to write about it.

Expiration dates.

I believe that people have expiration dates. Okay yes, we have an inevidable expiration date, but in pre-relationships. Confused? Okay here goes...

So, say you are out or around and you meet someone. You start to click with them, even if it's on the sub conscious level. There starts an expiration process. Depending on how you play your cards, you can extend the date. Much like putting the milk in the fridge to keep it longer than keeping it out on the counter, well duh. Or wrapping your bread so it doesn't get hard (okay mind out of the gutters people).

So, here is the 411(I know I am so hip for last year), you have a set amount of time with someone before they loose interest, or you loose interest. Within this time period there are millions of factors...are they single or with someone? do you see them regularly or sparingly? what are their interests? where are they going?

These are just veriables in evaluating expiration dates. You tune into warning signs on how close you are getting to it, you smell the milk, squeeze the fruit, and see the brown (NOTE: these are only a few major variables to the equation, there are many more factors as well).

Smelling the Milk:

You begin to notice the ebb and flow of your happiness together. Once you learn how much time to spend together and how much to spend apart, you can control more the ultimite date.

Squeezing the Fruit:

You begin to notice certain affection coming your way. Controlling the "god" status is important in this stage. Both of you must figure out how not to put the other on a pedistal. Stop thinking of people as Ideas and your time will increase.

See the Brown:

You begin to listen to the words of your friends around you. If they seem secretive to you about the "crush" you are in the green light. When they begin to talk about both of your attraction and you haven't hooked up in someway, then red lights all over.

The most important thing in all of this is communication. Timing, is always of the essence, you have to wait till the time is right to talk to them about this. The milk will sour immediately when timing is off, and will sour immediately. This is the hardest. If you pop the question too soon, it will be out of nowhere and you will not get anywhere. If you wait to late, your expiration will blow up. If either of these happens you loose any chance of a relationship rather love or friendship.

There is an adendum to this. Like all good things, the end is not the end. We are cyclic in nature. There is a time to be reborn and get a new expiration date or to "repair" the relationship to that of friendship. It takes time, tears and talking, but can be achieved. Nothing undone is not then redoable, it just takes longer. You need to go back and take the time to make your senses more keen.
To listen, kinesthetically, emotionally and audiably to them. This is not hard and steadfast a method. It is one that includes many more honing of the senses and preceptors to accomplish. But inevitably we know, to quote Billy Shakes, in our heart of hearts, when that time expires and when it can be rejuvinated.

pare el mundo que deseo ir

2005-08-31T23:49:00.000-04:00

pare el mundo que deseo ir
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Michael: In ways that maybe no one intended, those superheroes were a lot like me. At work, they’re meek, underappreciated… they’re the guys that never get laid. And when they’re around other people, they can never let anyone get too close for fear that their true identities will be discovered. (QAF Episode: 206)

I just wish sometimes we had built in vactations for life, or maybe hours in the day no one knows about as my friend the E3 says. I passed out today at around 6:10, only to wake up not too long ago. Damn. I mean it was great, but now I won't go back to sleep for ever. I will be up for hours, when really I need to be sleeping. My promise to go run tomorrow might not happen. I will keep you posted. I feel very tired and unwilling to finish certain tasks on my plate. I need a vacation, but maybe this weekend will lend itself to me. I hope so.

I just started classes, and they seem to be going well. I am happy to have that distraction. Life is pretty fuzzy for me right now.

LA and FL, I still don't want to talk about, but I will try. My family is from LA, they are rooted in that culture. For Christmas we eat étouffée, and Thanksgiving it's gumbo. We talk de by u talk, when around each other. My Great-grandmother was hit by a moving car, and lived to tell the tale. They are an amazing people. The are hard, strong and undistructable. The too will get through this, and come out with better jazz and more stories.

Florida is where my sister just moved to. She just recently received electricity, and most things are still not open. For her, she is safe with her child and husband. I am thankful and thank the Person upstairs for that.

This is all I can say for now...other than, our thoughts are with you.

Gas prices, well, I think we should all go public trans all the way. Screw you SUV land, I don't want no SUV!!!

The men in my life keep slipping away from me. I am going to end alone, with snakes, yuch, or cats, maybe, or a hundred dogs (this won't be so bad).

I saw an interesting man on campus the other day. One of my old flames (take that how you will, he did), he didn't seem to recognize me, or maybe that was the point. I just found it interesting that after a year, I still could feel his touch. amazing how seeing an old flame can do that to you. hmmm.

I am ready to start dancing again. I need to move. Seussical, get in gear. And when am I going to find times for costumes? Damn...

Well, guys I am going to try to do somethings, I will post tomorrow, I am sure...

L

Rasguño de mi cabeza

2005-08-31T16:01:00.000-04:00

gear-outtake-2
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Debbie: Ben, honey, the next time you talk to him, would you please tell him I love him up to the sky and back? (QAF Episode: 401)

So, to those of you out there wondering why I haven't commented on the recent tragedy called Katrina, well I have been avoiding it. I hardly ever talk about my family, especially on here. I love my parents, sister, and extended family, however, I am not one who believes that blood is thicker than marinara sauce.

I have had family in LA and FL who have been effected by this. I feel for them. I hear from my mother reports everday I can hear them. I find out what I need to know. I feel for them. There families, but it is just not something I know how to deal with.

I know I am lame. I have this huge sadness the back of my mind. It is very heavy and I am always aware of it. Maybe this is why I am working 18 out of 24 hours a day, on something. I do take time for my self. But I really should meditate more. Deal with this, find some peace about what has happened.

I promise myself,

I will think about this tonight and meditate.

I promise I will run tomorrow, before work.

I promise I will not think to much about the negative of life, only positive.

L

¿Un qué estado estoy adentro?

2005-08-30T00:38:00.000-04:00

¿Un qué estado estoy adentro?
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

So, yes, it is official I am an ass.

Brian: What would you like me to do?
Jennifer: Touch him. Help him be touched.
Brian: You want me to fuck him?
Jennifer: You're the one he trusts, if that's what it takes. (QAF Episode: 202)

I skipped out of being with a friend who is very dear to me, but who I can't be around right now, to go have a nice fuck...

Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)

...Yeah, he was way hot, and the passion was there and he is leaving for war in a few days (did you really think all our soldiers were straight), but I am being an asshole. I know.

But, I did the one thing I promised myself this time I wouldn't do. Tell him I had feelings for him. I am Brian Kenny for fuck sake! I fuck and don't show any emotion afterward, but here recently I have been feeling time and wanting to be with someone I could fall in love with.

So, what do I do, fall for the first unavailable guy that comes around to prove to myself that I can't have love. Then, tell him said sad story and now, I can't talk to him like I used to. He hates me now. I can feel it. It's horrible. And I don't know how to fix it, but just be the dick I am.

Well, this heartless ass needs to go to bed. I have another meeting with army dude later this week...I have to rest up so I can fuck all night and go to work the next day.

To whom it may concern...

2005-08-29T16:29:00.000-04:00

cell2
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

The seven list...

2005-08-27T16:51:00.000-04:00

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
Have my play make a workshop and be performed
Publish a book
Live in a foriegn country
Cross the Atlantic in a boat
Get married and have a family
Sky dive
Get a Doctorate

Seven things I can do
Speak Spanish well enought to survive in Spain(Yo hablo espanol)
Sew/Tailor
Fence (with a foil, ie I am a fencer, you know swords)
Survival Camps (dump me in the middle of no where with only the basics)
Make a fantastic (not being sarcastic see below) étouffée
Make people laugh
Win Trival Pursuit (the real game)

Seven things I can not do
Fly like Superman
Cheat on a boyfriend
Work a normal 8 to 5 job for an extended period of time
Travel through time....yet. (Thanks Markham, I stole this one)
Clean my whole house and keep it clean for longer than a week
Play baseball
Fix a carborator

Seven things that I find really attractive about the same sex
Eyes
Smiles
Strength
Video game playing
Need to provide
Dedication to a task
Voice

Seven things I say the most
Que? or What?
Fuck
Okay
Buenos dias/tardes/noche
Fantastic, rather sarcastically mostly
Adios
Right

Seven books I love
The book of Laughter and Forgetting - Milan Kundera
1984 - George Orwell
My Cold War - Tom Piazza
The Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
1968 - Mark Kurlansky
The Lord of the Rings/Hobbit - JRR Tolkin
Imzadi - Peter David

Seven people I would like to see take this test
TJ
Babs
Catpants
E3
Chris
Wil Wheaton
George W Bush

en pensamiento

2005-08-27T16:49:00.000-04:00

en pensamiento
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

QAF Quote:

Justin: His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile, like he was in another place, a beautiful place, and that place was me. (102)

Advertencia: partido de la compasión a continuación

Okay, so pass the frantic emotional state I have been in today, I have doing a lot of thinking.

Last night I was told that he wants to help in any way he can...

I just sat there thinking. The only thing I want from him right now is for him to come over, hold me and tell me it is all going to be alright.

I can't ask that of him...

Armand:The world changes, we do not, there lies the irony that finally kills us.

I don't know what to say to him now. What can I say, "Ugh, yeah, I know I just spilled the beans about falling for you, but let us erase that and go on from here."

I feel like I'm in high school.

Louis:I'm flesh and blood, but not human. I haven't been human for two hundred years.

I also feel a little dead inside from all of this. And I am sure that will continue through me. I don't feel alive...

Possibly because I have spent my life in the theatre searching for things that inspire me. Or could it be the string of men who only love me because of the sex we have. Okay, I get it, I am good in bed, let's move out of that territory into the living room. Or maybe, I don't know what to do with my life right now. I write when I can. I should be turning out a book a day with how much I want to write, but don't have time to...

I need to finish my plays, but is that my form of escapism? And more importantly is that okay?

I am in the hole financially again...

I haven't had a decent role in 2 years, and I was trained in Shakespeare...

wow, right now, life sucks, but I am going to a movie with TJ tonight and we aren't going to talk about our boys that we like, and tomorrow I will get to see my Babs...Oh happy day...

I am bitter, sad, and not well today, as you can see from my two posts. Oh well, we will see what tomorrow holds...

sobre ayer a noche

2005-08-27T14:05:00.000-04:00

Edinburgh17
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Brian: Did I mention it hurts like a motherfucker? (414)

Brian: I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day. (203)

Brian: This used to be such a magical kingdom full of sprites and fairies. (314)

Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse!
Brian: Sorry, that position has already been filled. (118)

So...

Sobre ayer a noche...

After several drinks, I did something I didn't want to do. I always seem to find guys that I want to fall in love with, but can't...Timing, boyfriend, fill in the blank. And recently this has been the case. But last night was a clusterfuck, and I do mean that in the gravest sense...

Exhibit One,

Riff called the other day out of the blue wanting to take me to Austin for Labor Day. I can't go back to that uncertainty, but not only that, he threw a big curve ball at me. We talked about he man he used to love and how he missed out on that and how he is very sad by that. We cut through the bullshit, as we did from time to time back in West Side. But what of that. I can't do that. I can't be that to you. I did fall for you and I did tell you, and well, I waited for a long time. Time is up...He asked me if I didn't believe his story. I told him I did. I think that is the problem, he hasn't dealt with that man. And then I pulled the black card out about how I wished he was truer to himself. Which he took the wrong way and had to hang up.

Exhibit Two,

Several of my friends are going through hell and it has ran a toll on them. I am adversly effected, because I love them. I feel for them and I worry. I love them, and I am happy they are in my life. And I want to tell them this too will pass...

Exhibit Three,

We all had planned to go out. Well, after that fateful phone call I shouldn't have, but I did. This boy wanted to be there for me. We are close friends and I love him so much. But that is the problem...I do have more than friendship feelings for this man. And I have to push him away. And I feel like an asshole, because I am. And tonight, I told him why I have to push him away. Because it's not going to happen. He doesn't have those feelings for me, or if he does, he is happy with his boyfriend. We talked for a long time. And we agreed to stay excellent friends...

...now all I want to do is cry...

and I have, a lot, and I will a lot. and life will go on. I just feel like an idiot. Okay stike that, I am an idiot. I should have never said anything. Now, I will always feel guilty around him. It is my fault. I will never fall in love...and that's okay...

The quotes are from my favorite show that ended, Queer as Folk...Thank you for the laughter and tears. The good and the bad. I think I will always remember these quotes, and many more. I post these because of where I am right now. Talk to me Brian, I need your support...

Cheers loves, I am going to go out and get on with my life today...

I can't believe this day is coming, Thanks Babs!

2005-08-26T16:22:00.000-04:00

My pirate name is:

Bloody John Bonney

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

feliz dicha

2005-08-26T01:41:00.000-04:00

apesadumbrado
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Okay, so I am reminded of a moment me and Babs spent together one night watching Jerry MacGuire. Okay, lets bypass the Tom Cruise jokes for now. What is it about that moment. And how did those bastards find a way to coin that moment.

"You had me at Hello."

Oh please can I have an order of that with a side of great sex. This is what we want. Romanticism. But really come on am I just deluding myself? Or could I be creating a bigger rift then into a inlay of Romanticism? By doing that, am I putting up a wall that says, I am not going to believe in Romanticism, so that later I can say I destroyed that way and found it anyway. Then, as if that wasn't a complex enough, I tell my self not to believe in it, you are crazy creating this cliche out of cliche. I just know it's late, and I've had a few. I will laugh at the drunkeness of my blog tomorrow.

And by the way, to someone out there, "you had me at hello" now lets go from there...

composición de la vida

2005-08-23T18:45:00.000-04:00

composición
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Taylor- Does he know that you are in love with him?

Johnathan- What?

Taylor- You don't even know yet?

Johnathan-That?

Taylor- You are in love with him...

~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon

I wrote these few lines the other day. That's it for me. They sound like something I have heard. I don't know. What the hell is this play about other than a love rectangle. How boring is that. My last play was about time and why do we exist, and wtf questions. How can I go from deep to fluff? But you know, I do that with movies all the time. I watch very deep movies and then throw in fluff. I guess that is what we all do.

As you can see I am avoiding everything today. Including the whole damn Pat Robertson Crap. You are a bad, bad, bad man, maybe not as bad as Jerry Falwell, but very bad none the less. I pitty you. For you know no love or tolerance.

Thanks for the shout out Babs, I miss you.

I feel like just sitting here and putting this passage in front of me just to stare at it.

Just to look and say what the hell. Where do I go from here. The choose your own adventure of my life showing me which choices lead where.

The problem is, I can't look ahead so much. I can only look as far as my eye can see.

Pity, party of one...

el libro de sexo

2005-08-23T02:55:00.000-04:00

el libro de sexo
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Michael: What are we going to do? I mean, talking about girls, women. I wouldn't know the first thing. I've never even slept with one.
Ben: I have, once or twice.
Michael: Really?
Ben: Mm-hm.
Michael: How was it?
Ben: It was all right. Got a hard-on and everything and I suppose I performed adequately. At least no one complained. But I also remember thinking - Why are guys so obsessed with this? What's the big deal?
Michael: I guess that was the first clue.
Ben: That and liking to wear my mom's dresses. --- Just kidding. (Queer as Folk 411)

Okay, so the subject of sex is always up for discussion when I am at the table. I feel like Babs, we should talk about sex. However, there is one thing that I don't like to talk about.

My number.

I feel that your number is a sacred thing. Something that is yours to know, reference, and remember. Tonight sitting around a table of a few close friends they recounted their numbers.

I still hear the count down in my head...

7
7
3
2

What the hell. I realized then that just with the men I have slept with I had more than them combined. Lets not add the women.

Okay, wow, I know I experimented in college just like everyone else. It was a phase, I grew out of it. Now I am a normal homosexual male, just like everyone else. la la la...

This got me thinking of mi libro de sexo, and the pages that have been filled...

Page 1

The center of the football team the summer between 7th and 8th grade. This is when I first realized how much I liked boys.

Page 4

My boyfriend the val a dick torian, I look back on and wish we could still be together, even if he was a bit of a dick, sorry babe, you know you where. We had the best sexual chemistry, or at least an extremely conscious awareness of the kinesthetic conversations our bodies made.

Page 17

A man in a Prague bathhouse. Young, suave, sexy, interesting and a native of the Czech Republic. An interesting choice to taste the foreign cuisine.

Last page (you thought you where going to get the final count, ha)

A New Orleans young 19 y/o man fresh to college. Very eager and interested in things I had to say. A hard worker. Not my type, but very beautiful.

I sat in my room after Margarita Monday and relived the pages from mi libro. Remembering each guy...

I have a theory about sex, okay so what's new we all do...

I believe that when 2 people give into each other, their souls connect. By their souls connecting a stream from the collective conscious runs between them. There are secrets revealed, and truths uncovered. If you listen to someone, when you are having sex with them, you begin to have a kinesthetic conversation controlled by the unconsciousness. You can hear desires, fears, needs, wants, and a million other things. Throughout the engagement of the bodies, one opens ones mind and senses to a feast of information about their partner. With one of my exes I knew the second I had sex with him why we could not be together. It was a year after the breakup we had sex. We had great sexual chemistry, but not very good communication, or at least not good enough. We knew how to talk to each other, but not how to get a point across or on the table. We had different mindsets and we weren't willing to work with the others life. In the bed we had perfect timing, but through the unconsciousness stream of conversation I realized we could only speak kinetically. That was when we truly listened. Not out loud, God forbid we listen to each other out loud, but kinetically, we had great lengthy conversations.

I don't know when I became a slut, but I know it was a desire to know about the men of whom I was attracted. I found out several pieces of information from sleeping with them. What they liked their life pattern to be like. Did they always take the same route to work, or did it very? Did they want to talk or would they stay silent? What his ex had done to him, or if he was still holding on to his ex? These were just some of the questions I could answer. Not to mention a multitude of others. Sex, became and is a way for me to read minds kinesthetically. It allows me to understand someone fully. To get into their brain. Hell, that is why I had sex in both Ireland and Prague. I wanted to experience the culture, and I did. It was a mind expanding drug. And people just think I am a slut. Well maybe, but if you married a rich man to be kept, you're a whore, remember that.

I don't know what is the big deal with the number. So I have a long resume? So what, does it matter to anyone but me, no. I am happy I had sex with almost all of the men I slept with. Some, I would throw back on the fire, but I will not regret the sex we had. It was good, all of it, some more than others, but always good. I have had a wonderful time and have been pretty safe (considering that the only true safety is abstinence). Well, to all of you who really want to know. The number is...

none of your business...

en la luz

2005-08-22T00:19:00.000-04:00

en la luz
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

If you where to ask me how I got there, I do not know. I was sitting in a dark corner reminiscing of the old days. Wondering, just how old am I in this world of boys? The usually thumpa, thumpa, came to a close, and silence fell over the room as the crowds started to part. A spot on Jonathan on the far side hit with crisp precision. A slow tango drifted into the air. Strings at first that trickled into piano, and percussion. He started the tango with one boy on the floor, and ebbed and flowed into others until he had found "his one." Like a flash flood, he came to me. Stomping and clapping my attention. I gave one hand up to him and floated up to dance on the waves of this tango. The flood of music came as our legs twisted into and out of one another, a lift from him, a dip from me, out, in we moved to the rhythm of the music. The dance washed out of the bay and left us on the shore of the dance floor. Spot off. We exchanged a kiss, but the dance tonight was not over.

It's the only thing I can think to write right now, right. Ha, okay, I am not doing so well with the writing. Valencia is going to kill me. I have no new scenes. I just want to write about men dancing and fighting. Maybe, that will be my first book, a collection of shorts based on men fighting and dancing. Or maybe I can get off my sorry ass and actually find a way to right a book about men who dance and fight. But really let’s finish up this next play. So, I have this scene to write and I don't know how to do it. It came to me in a dream, I think...

The four men stood in the bedroom. Conscience of the references to porn they all where thinking about, they squelched their laughter and waited to enter the bed. This was a holocaust waiting to happen.

The night had been mystical combining old and new friends. Now it was time for the four friends to lie in the bed that was made for them. The tallest took the position nearest to the wall. As most unstable constant in the group he would surely not fall off in that position. Next to him lay the 2nd tallest fighting the desire to spoon. The boy with the beautiful eyes placed me beside him and the 2nd tallest boy. The most stable inconstant sure to bookend the men into the bed. The sleepless night began as the boys ran through a stream of conscience choreographed positioning of bodies in sleep sporadically spaced in sleeplessness.

One's hand moved up another’s shirt. A little too far, the hand was stopped. An apology quickly stopped also. The hand did not do anything the body wasn't wanting...

One fought all night not to hold onto another only to place his arm around the bookend while sleeping. His unconscious taking over.

The game was set to find the human contact so needed that night. Finally, sleep was found when the unconscious took over and the four men where split into two cuddling couples.

The two unlikely couples found peace in their chaos. The night was filled with secrets the pairs shared without words.

So, how am I going to turn that into a scene? Those feelings and emotions. I don't know, but that is going into a book I am writing now as well. So, who knows. The book and the play are suppose to go together. ummmmm, I don't know. It will come to me, just give it time.

I'm off to doodle.

Lestat

Quote from QAF:

Brian: And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were. (414)

προσευχή

2005-08-19T17:41:00.000-04:00

προσευχή
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

What a fool am I...

I use this blog to get the petty bullshit out, but really, after looking around, there is much more in this world that needs to be focused on. Not parts in shows, but people struggling. That's what theatre gave to me, and I hear Patrick's voice in my head from Dublin saying theatre should impact, it should be more than we need it to be.

Over the last few days watching and reading about the Israelies moving out, I begin to pray. My praying consists of meditation and reflextion and talking to what I preceive as my Lord. Whatever you believe or don't believe, I would as that you take a moment to think of the hardships that these persons (individually) are going through. We may never know, and hopefully won't.

This photo sent chills down me. I guess because of the conviction and the faith.

What's left but hope for these people...

What's left but hope for any of us, but for these people most of all there is only hope.

"I'm standing here without any fear that Israelis will shooot at me because their battle today is against themselves."
~Mohammed Bashir, a Palestinian farmer in the town of Deir al-Balah in the Gaza Strip.

perhaps the battle is always against ourselves?

cansado y derrotado

2005-08-19T16:48:00.000-04:00

cansado y derrotado
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane? (101)

I think if I hear the word Seussical or audition one more time, I think I am going to scream. And tonight I am going out on the town with several people I auditioned with. I think I will scream enough before we head out.

It's not so much that I didn't get called back for the role I wanted, but that I let it get to me that much, and it is still getting to me. Possibly because of one of the guys they called back for the role. He had no reason to be there. They kept us sitting there waiting for 2 hours before even telling us what we were their for. And were very rude to us. Come on. I am an actor not a douche bag. Just let me know what I am going to be reading for and let me prepare. Also, I wasn't expecting most of the roles, because I am not a singer. And yet somehow the director had it in his mind that I can sing harmony just great. It will be so easy. Now, as soon as I get cast, I will be learning to sing harmony and crying myself to sleep every night because I won't get it until the last week, because I suck at singing. But Oh well. I was expecting to read for a role that was improve and speaking mainly. Very little singing and where the singing was that hard. Guess I was wrong. Oh well. I am also, just tired of musicals. I don't want to audition for another one for a while. I long to do a play again. Something of substance. Something fun (call me weird but Shakespeare, Wilde, Sheridan, the Greeks, and Beckett is great fun for me).

It also made me realize very quickly that what this production wanted were people who can sing very well. And then if they can act that's cool. So, whatever, I will chalk that up to that.

Disclaimer:
As you have read in my blog, I don't think to highly of myself. I am about to speak very highly of me doing what I do best. If you don't like ego, don't read. Skip to paragraph of continue here.

I am just a bit tired of working my ass off doing things I don't like doing to get noticed. And then of course they like what I hate doing and hate me doing what I like. Ah, yes that's life. I swear my designs will make me a lot of money. Especially if I design for commercial theatre, but I hate doing it. It is well, boring. I can design in my sleep and I hate that. Because, I don't really care to do it, but I use it as an in for acting and directing. It just seems like they see my great designs and want me as that. Screw you guys, I don't want to design anything unless I am paid. I just want to direct now and act for free. But NO, to get an acting role I need to be noticed by doing the costumes...blah blah blah...I really am a good actor I promise, that's just it, I am good at acting, in plays, not musicals. Oh well, as Emmett says, "Fuck em all."

Okay continue here:

So yeah, I am a hoping to get a directing gig with them and I do want to rise to the challenge and do this role to prove to myself I can do it. So, that is that. Deal is done. I am tired of worrying and fretting and bullshitting over it. I just want this show over and done with.

And then, hopefully I will get to direct the show I want.

On a better, note I was asked to direct a play from some students who are working toward a company of their own. I am excited, it is a great script that is dark and more my ally. It's WWI and about the ghost that haunt them. I am very into it. I hope I have the time and can do it. It will be like a "mini Group Theatre!!" And they are very excited to have me as a director who is also a designer, because they are all designers and want to design, and I have a vocabulary to talk with them as designers, because I am one!!! So, no pressure on designing!!!

Ah that is music to my ears...

Superboy, you are amazing, thanx for the gameplay last night. You will never know how much I needed that.

doing cartwheels

2005-08-17T17:54:00.000-04:00

doing cartwheels
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

I received a callback to Seussical! Rock. I hope it is for the Cat. I want it so bad!!! Okay, well, I wish all who auditioned all the luck, and remember I have only been to a few callbacks, and usually I get better roles if I am not called back.

Besos!

L

Gatito y perrito

2005-08-17T00:59:00.000-04:00

dog and kit
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Okay, so I am about to go to bed after day 2 of auditions. I am a bit worried, but I know they are calling guys back for Cat. I thought I would post this lovely pic in hopes that I maybe the Cat and find my puppy. I don't know. Maybe one day. Soon I hope. He's out there somewhere. I feel him, I just can't will him into being yet.

Life is better, thanks to Babs. You rock my face off and I love you. I can't wait to see you again. Thanks for a wonder night, my Grace.

Thanks also to my superhero. You are kind and strong and I enjoyed our night out on Monday. Here's to many more.

Love,

L

tiempo por change

2005-08-16T17:59:00.000-04:00

tiempo por change
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

So I have been in the worst of moods today. Extremely snippy and looking for a reason to quit my job and I know that this is the best job for me right now. I have applied for another job at a costume shop that is better paying, but I don’t know if I will get it. Also, all of my financial aid stuff is getting mixed up and around and I am waiting to hear on that today. I hate my life. Again remember I am in a bitchy mood. I didn’t give my best at auditions last night and it was my own fault, so this is going to be a dear diary, pity party of one blog so reader beware. I feel that I am not at the top of my game anymore. I feel tired and lonely and not wanting to work unless I am doing what I want. I know I have to jump through the hoops and sail over the hurdles, but it seems like most of my friends are getting more work than I am, and better work. I feel that I am stuck. Drifting because I have many areas that I work in Costumes, Set, Directing, Playwriting and Acting which is great, but it also means that I have to do all the work to keep them all going. I wish I could just pick one and stick to it. I wish that I had the power to say I am this, to finally fit into that cookie cutter of society and to label myself. What a horrible word, label. But, I am so reluctant to do this. I want what I want.

I want to see mountains Gandolf!

But instead I see hills and more disturbing to me plains. I am so afraid to get stuck somewhere doing something I don’t want to be doing. I am afraid that I am waiting on a plane that will never land. My own world inside of me lives up in the air. And on land there is this reverse “little mermaid” feeling that I have.

Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark. There's... There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him... with my waking eyes.

I cannot remember the last day I had a fun at work. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems the journey to where I am now has led me to a state of unhappiness. I will post more later and will do so.

Lestat

el sentarse bastante

2005-08-15T17:20:00.000-04:00

Wood_AG1188194297
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Brian: By the way, I missed you. (QAF Episode: 408)

Number of pages written: 2

So, I ran away to a mythical land this weekend, with my good friend Babs. What a wonderful time was had by both of us. We laughed, talked, had many a wonderful Margarita!! Yes, from the best place in all of San Antonio, Texas. We never ran out of things to talk about, see or do. We had no agenda, save shopping and drinking and discovered a wonderful little shot called an oatmeal pie. I am sure we will have many more. We boy watched, and yes, guys in kelts rock my face off. It was a wonderful few days full of escape and magic.

Now, back to the grind at work it feels as if I never left. :(

On a good note, I found the shoes I want badly made by Steve Madden. And I know where I want to go next time we go to SA!!! I didn’t get to go to Bohnam this time, but I will save that for next visit.

I have an audition for Seussical tonight. AHHHH!!! I don’t really want to audition, but I have to because I want a role. Wow, why can’t we actors just rise up and find a new way of getting cast, ha ha. I know, that will never happen and everyone hates auditioning, I know, I know, but well, it’s time to get back into the groove.

I did miss someone this weekend terribly, but I am working through that, blah blah blah. I will see him soon enough.

Thank you Superboy for being the superhero you are!!! He found my music and I am forever in your debt.

Also, a very happy birthday to the Cat in Pants!!! Hope tonight to get you as drunk as possible. It is her 21st birthday!!! :) Cheers love!!!

As you can see I am avoiding work. So, since I have nothing to but crazy rambling to do today I will leave you.

Vuelo

2005-08-11T15:47:00.000-04:00

Vuelo
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Quote: QAF
Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century.
Emmett: Well, in addition to throwing fabulous parties and being a world-renowned master in the art of fellatio, I'm also one hell of a dance instructor. (314)

My thoughts are winged and so am I today…

My heart goes out to dear Babs today. Mum gives her condolences and J-bird says hey and hopes you are doing well. It is a frantic life we live and we are prone to come and less then we can stay. We all live teetering on a thin line of life and not one of use know the end until it comes. All we have is time enough to dance and sing together and enjoy the moments we have. I have enjoyed all of my friends so much and although we all are a bit busier and a bit further apart. I love and think of them everyday. They fill up not only my thoughts, but my heart, soul and still they come into life. We all live on after death in the others around us. It’s cliché, but true…well, as long as we believe in it. And I think that is the point. What is the harm in believing in it? What more do we have save hope?

I am better than yesterday, but am ready for the weekend. It will be nice to escape into the colourful culture of another city.

I have so much to do and to work on, but today I am at a bit of a stand still, and today’s blog is going to be a bit short…sorry loves, pero necesito a tomar el cuidado de me.

apesadumbrado, tendría cogida usted, pero estoy leyendo un buen libro

2005-08-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

apesadumbrado
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Quote from Queer as Folk (do I notice a trend, maybe so):

Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in f*king. (101)

Pages written today: 1

So, yeah, I picked up a great book that I would like to share with you all; too bad I don't have the money, so go buy it yourself. It's called My Cold War. It's by Tom Piazza. It is page turning greatness. I love his weaving of his life and history. It delights my heart to hear him write about concepts that are in my play. I am very happy!!!

So, I talked to my mother tonight. Such a great time was had, by someone, somewhere else having sex. I am never amazed at how much my mother doesn't listen to me. She wants an immediate fix to my problem. She wants hallmark answers to solve my never-ending string of problems. Wow, life is grand. I also don't like talking to her about my problems, especially about guys, because it becomes not about me but about her. I know I do this at times, but I have been working on this very hard. To not give examples of my life unless asked. She has no knowledge that this doesn't help me. We also go onto a different path when we start talking about my problems. I am on one subject and it turns into another subject. Usually about my sister. I don't care about how she's doing unless I ask. (I know I am a b*tch), but oh well, I mean you want to know what's wrong with me. I am tired of being Mr. Happy and want to be Mr. Pissed OFF!! I have the right to be pessimistic and want to vent and she thinks I do bad things with this energy. And maybe, because I used to slit at my wrists she worries. Oh, but she used to think I was the happiest of children... I often do creative things to help with my personal crisis...like write, or exercise, or kill off someone (oh, wait, not the last one....hmmmm). And she is sitting there telling me that I just need to be more active and exercise. Which in my low self-esteemed self means, “your fat." Yes mom, as if I didn't have enough of an image problem. Okay, so I am not fat, but I have an image problem, wow, bienvenidos a la 21st Century. Well, and of course I finally spilt the beans about liking someone and how I was frustrated with that. And then that segued into how my father and her where accepting of my lifestyle although they would prefer me to settle down with a nice girl. Wow, thanks, I am so glad you approve of my "choice." If I didn't feel good about myself enough, I had to hear about my mother’s problems and my sisters and everything around my problems without me getting to vent. Really, when I am throwing myself a pity party I really just want to vent. If you want to talk with me, let me vent. If I want your opinion I will ask for it (Babs of course can get away with telling me what to do, it's what gives the will its grace). And that's just it.

I really can't wait to spend a weekend away with my Gracie...Ahhhh it's almost here. YES!!! Fun in the sun and great, great life. I am so ready for this weekend. I bought snacks for the road, will be looking up fun topics of conversation and will order a cold margarita when I get there. I cannot wait.

So, my ex is coming into town tonight (not the ex, the likes of which my mother brought up in conversation, why can't she hate him, I am the one who was in love with him and we are still good friends, but that doesn't mean I want her to like him)...I am happy, lets just call him, Mr. Goodf*ck. Not that I am going to do that tonight, but who knows, I may just be that desperate. The boys around here are not quite knocking on my door to be with me. Yeah. I know and where do I get my image problem from...okay, so it is from me, I know, no matter who I am dating or have dated (and I have dated some hot guys), I put this on myself.

Oh, and another thing that struck me as weird. The other night as I had drinks with an old friend, he reminded me that he had never seen me kiss a boy, and the joke of I am an in the closet straight man came around, ha. But that just reminded me of how little I have dated since moving to Barcelona. What's up with that? Yo no se... I guess I just haven't found the right guy. Which is true. The few I have wasted my time on where not worth it. But you know if they aren't worth it, I don't want to invest in it. And that is the truth. Mr. Big I am sorry, but you were an ass to me, and I know you love me and maybe one day it will work out, but you need to grow up you 29 y/o boy...Mr. Adonis, I love you, but the timing is off, I am sorry, hope that will change...Mr. Goodf*ck, I hope we have a great talk tonight...Mr. Hopeful, I hope it can workout when you get back, even if some of my friends think you are strange. Hell, they call me corky...

Corky, that's another vein that hits pretty hard...I will comment on that another time. Right now I am a bit exhausted from this blog...

Goals:
To kiss a boy in the rain: on the back burner until someone good comes along.

To find an answer to a question: will get back to you on that...

el rey del mundo

2005-08-09T16:31:00.000-04:00

el rey del mundo
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Quote: From Queer as Folk
Michael: Right after my mother told me I was gay, she gave me this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.
Ben: Yeah, well, I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.
Michael: Why not?
Ben: Well, Michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to. (207)

So regardless of the sleepless night I was just happy to have, I am feeling a bit like el rey del mundo...

Number of pages finished: none still, but looking hopeful...

I have a great new idea, I journalled last night (okay I know it’s not a word, let's get past that, you should know by reading I make them up as I go, like Shakespeare) and had a great brainstorming session,

So let’s say number of brainstorm: 5 pages...

There that at least makes me feel a bit better. My dear Grace I do hope you are feeling better as well.

So just how crazy is the thought... and this comes some from my brainstorming... that when we die inside our minds our head falls like Christ? Could we see the crucifixion before we die? Or is this my faith filled background leaking into my perceptions of afterlife? Okay, so I was drunk and happy and realized that at that moment, my life could have ended on a happy note. That I hoped one day my life would end with me in bliss filled happiness smothered in calmed gravy and euphoric sprinkles...No I was not on drugs...I was just very happy sitting around, okay so I smoked a fag outside, and thinking of how our lives (the people from K-town were there and I was reminiscing)…where so different now and in a better way. It was old friends coming together and taking joy in life, rather than harping on the past. What a wonderful experience to have. But it dawned on me, that this is how I wanted to die. Then of course that went into how I wanted to show death in my play and how do I use that. It would be better for a screenplay, yada yada, la la la… It was today, several days passed, that I realized I need to forget the yada yada, and go for it…I don’t know how yet, but just start writing.

Recently, I am a bit random, blogging between work and such, I was thinking how different my life would have been. The different paths we take. Of course, this is nothing new.

I have an audition next week. Seussical, well, I am scared, but I think I have it in me…Hell, I can do that…

Lestat

?Que dice?

2005-08-08T17:49:00.000-04:00

?Que dice?
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Number of pages written today: none :(

Quote:From Queer as Folk

Brian: Yeah well, that's the thing about being a superhero. The average person thinks it's all about stopping two planets from colliding or saving the universe from being swallowed by a black hole. But most days, it's just your average run-of-the-mill good deeds. (403)

Yeah that explains a good deal about how I feel today, "I want to see mountains, Gandolf..." But insteed I am shuffling office papers and doing laundry. Hope my tights dry. I think that we all live a type of superhero life. That we are able to do superhuman things. This is where the superheros come from, however, I do believe this is true. We are not always needed. Sometimes we are needed to be run of the mill average people. I am by no means promoting me into the role of superhero, however, I do believe we all have those moments. I want more, sometimes. Today I feel like I do want to go on a journey through death to find life, but maybe that is why I get depressed so much. I forget to focus on the life. The mundane. The easy. I need to work with the simple again. Learn why threading a needle is so calming or how sketching can calm me or how I don't need all of these amazing things to happen to me all the time. I have had a lot of fun and tend to live in a fantasy world of fun and madness that is quite enjoyable. However, recently I have needed it to slow down. Just a bit not too much. Then it did. Today, wow, I realize how much I don't want to be stuck here doing the nothing I have packed for myself to do. I want to relax and compose myself, not do the nothingness of laundry. I need to find the joy in folding the clothes...hanging them...washing them...calm...breathe...breath...okay so I don't know if it will work...I will post more later...

silencio

2005-08-07T17:59:00.000-04:00

silencio
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Quote: From The Broken Hearts Club

Jack: Everyone can't be straight. Everyone can't be beautiful. Everyone can't be the same, Patrick. Some people are just gay and average. We're the strongest I think.

Pages written today: none :(

Sometimes I feel so silenced in real life. I wished that I could be a Quentin Tarantino anime character and voice the words and eat them so they never came out. But if I was that character then they would have just came out and then I would have dined on them the very second they where hanging in the air. Okay, so I always I have things I want to say. I say them kinesthetically, I say them in here, I say them to my Grace, I say them in my plays, but more often then not, I never get to say them. I become afraid that if I do they may never come true. I think this is one of the few ways I am a p person. I often say things I don't mean so that they won't come true. Or I don't say them because they hurt me to much, oh Genevieve I hear your voice all the time...but alas, I haven't written in 3 or 4 days...

I cried hearing Seussical again today. I know, I cry to much, but I am making up for the crying I don't do in public. I also cried again at Broken Hearts Club, that movies is so 80's friendly. Thank the Lord the filmmakers loved John Waters and the Brat Pack...I cried most because I understand the lead so well. How he is in love with someone, but he needs to make himself better by going away. DAMN YOU TIMING... I hate timing with all of my heart.

It's about to be fall...wow, it's about to be fall...I feel the leaves of my soul approaching this autumn with showers of color and grace...

I can't wait to start work on Seussical, however, I am not completely finished with JCS...must complete this week. And I have several costume sketches to go through. I need to bite the bullet and let Dee know that I don't think we can get away costuming little JoJo in the wonderful design. I just think it will be too distracting. Unfortunately...

Back to Broken Hearts Club, wow, okay I am obsessed I know, but the scene with Howie and his ex, man what a great scene. He reminds his ex who is now with someone that his ex had told him that he was just waiting on him. Howie then says, "Well, you didn't wait long enough." He then goes on to say that he hopes everything works out and that he is happy in his knew life, but that if it didn't he would be waiting. He says, "it's my time to wait, and this time I will wait long enough." Wow. I am so in cheezy romance movie happiness...

Fantasies:
Kiss boy in rain: still no check
Sent out a song anonymously: Check
Find old pic(without searching): Check

2005-08-03T19:19:00.000-04:00

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.

You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.

Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

2005-08-03T19:14:00.000-04:00

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

burbuja del pensamiento

2005-08-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

burbuja del pensamiento
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

In other news...

The song of the moment to a special someone:

Title: I'M NOT SAYING A WORD

EDWARD:

If I could stand inside his shoes I'd say
How can I compare thee to a Summer's day?
I'd take a page in all the papers
I'd announce it in the news
If it was the guy, if I was in his shoes
If I was him, I'd bring you flowers
And ask you to dance
We'd while away the hours making
Future plans
For rainy days in country lanes
And trips to the sea
I'd just tell you that I love you
If it was me.
But I'm not saying a word,
I'm not saying I care,
Thought I would like you to know
That I'm not saying a word,
I'm not saying I care,
Though I would like you to know
If I was him I'd have to tell you
What I've kept in my heart
That even if we had to live
Some worlds apart
There would not be day
In which I'd not think of you
If I was him, if I was him
That's what I do.
But I'm not saying a word
I'm not saying I care
Though I would like you to know
That I'm not saying a word
I'm not saying I care
Though I would like you to know

EDWARD:

But I'm not.

LINDA

What?

EDWARD

Mickey.

Goals:

Slow dance, Check
Seduction, Check
Kiss in Rain, no check, 

Newest goal, send out a song to a guy I like, CHECK!

Sicopático

2005-08-03T17:18:00.000-04:00

Sicopático
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

¿que quiera se la vida, usted desea coger con mí?

So, yeah...

A note about an ungrateful little ingrate...

Some people I just cannot handle. My 85 years young neighbor decides to have a birthday gathering the other day. It just so happens that only a few people from the apt complex was invited. Not because she didn't want to invite everyone, it's just the way it worked out. Also, she wanted it low stress, I mean she is turning 86, and we were having a few hot toddies, and well, just kicking back. I said she was turning 86, not dead. Well, one friend got very upset at not, "getting invited." Well, you know what you had a program you were presenting at UNT, get over it you fucking bitch and don't piss everyone off with your stupid, worthless blog that you stole every idea you put up there with.

Well, I feel better, so after posting some horrible things, good thing my little 86 y/o who just happens to be very computer savey, doesn't pay attention to a hollow voice that causes nothing but pain. I hope she rots...

It's okay Mary Tyler Moore, I got your back.

Just to let everyone know, "don't fuck with the fairies, we are prone to cut a bitch..."

I am better now, and I'm spent...

post secret

2005-08-02T18:34:00.000-04:00

post secret
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Just thought you all should know...

...I could have sent this...

olcultado

2005-08-02T18:32:00.000-04:00

Hiding
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

I guess right now, I am feeling olcutado. I don't feel as if right now, although I am being scrutinized by several forces, that I am being seen.

Today has been a hell day indeed. Office work and show laundry have cluttered my life right now. I need to also do my laundry and work on my plays of which I am very excited about right now. I want to feel inspired and I do. Now, finding the time to sit and write, what I should be doing now, but then this is theropy. I guess.

I have the men of my play running around in my mind. Situations of extreme comedy and tragedy float up to my movie picture studio mind. I am caught in a vortex of imagination. Which for me is good, since that is how I enjoy life, however, it has been hard since most of the men I am basing my characters off of are in my life. I have surrounded myself with them. Which is also good and well, because it gives me great chances to think up new and exhilarating situations to write about. One thing that weighs on my mind is how to end this new play. Which man will end up with each other? I don't know the answer to that. Could I possibly be waiting to see how real life works out. he he he...Okay so my life is not that interesting...No, unfortunately I am imitating life, and as of now, the life is not imitating the art, well, no, a little, but I think its that little that makes it life and not a play. But I have said to much and I am sure I might get asked about what this means by one of the boys...so to put their mind at ease, I am writing fiction, lets always remember that...

Finally, I just feel pooped!! I am so tired lately. I don't know why, I have finished all my deadlines as of now and have very little stress. Well, I have stress to come and maybe I am thinking about that, but I really should not.

Old goal, to kiss a boy in the rain (yet to be done).

New goal, to seduce a boy without having sex, (it has happened)

Newer goal, to slow dance with a cute boy

el lindito

2005-08-01T20:34:00.000-04:00

el lindito
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

?Que? Soy demasiado lindo ser atractivo(okay so there is not a word I know for sexy in Spanish yet, I am working on it, I am not as you guessed by now a native speaker).

So, I am not the sexy bitch everyone proclaims me to be, okay no one proclaims me to be...but I am super cute. In that I have my moments of sexy power that randomly, and under the most unusual factors, comes out. I was sexy the other day, and even seduced someone. Wow, I know. It was kind of awesome. It made me feel pretty powerful. But other than that...it was a great writing tool. I started to think about it today, at work...Okay, just so that everyone knows, while I was working. And it started to make me cry. Not that I had a sexy moment, but this new scene that I played out in my head. It is a perfect fit into the new play I am writing. I had to leave the room the feeling swept over me so much.

Thank you to the MAN that made the scene possible, and to the men who have already set my mind in motion with this new script. I have another scene written in my other play. The one I need to be working on, but when that beautiful of a scene comes, I don't care I need to save it for all time...no matter how long I have to wait to put it into a scene, or use it for a short 10 min piece.

So, I am going to starting into the major planning for my producing of the short play festival I am going to be working on. I am very excited about it and cannot wait to get underway. I have a few things to sort out, but I am very excited. I can't wait to see Superboy and DeDe to start with Seusical and I have to finish the laundry from JCS. AHHHH, you would think I was busy or something...well, I guess I will jet and gloat about this wonderful scene...Okay, so I am not a total asshole and you all don't really think I am that egotistical, I really think these scenes come from someother lifeforce upstairs... And that's not bullshit I promise. I really do beleive that this, whatever it is, comes from the creative energy I surround myself with, so thank you all for being a part of making my play so great. It is for you all...Babs, I am starting to see the changes I am making in the one script and I am starting to see that they are you, same with my new play thank you Derrel, TJ, Superboy and the unnamed person who are creating these exciting and wonderful characters I get to write into awkward situations... I can't wait for you all to start reading them when they are done...

One will be read soon enough!!! It's about to be playtime!!! Heck YES!

Humor : ventoso

2005-07-30T17:41:00.000-04:00

ventoso
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Okay, I am breezy, that's all I am going to say about that...

Announcement:

The most wonderful and talented girl in the world will be turning 20!!! Yes, my dear Babs is going to be 20!!! and not a day over does everyone here. Here's to a lovely year!!!

I am a little in a state of jelly right now. I am a bit tired, and a bit excited, and a bit well lets not go there...j/k...

I have written 2 new scenes yeah, but what of that? I need more, I need to write more...

I will, can you see how my mind is working today?

I had a wonderful meal with Superboy today!! Thanks for coming and rescuing my drab Sat afternoon!! It was fun we talked about Costumes for Seusical, of which I am Co-Designing with a wonderful girl. It will be a lot of fun, but very hard work. Superboy is going to use his powers to help out and we will have an army of taylors, okay so a few, okay maybe just a us. But really, I think it will be great. I am also auditioning, which is why I am Co-Designing. I really want the Cat in the Hat, God I hope I get it, I hope I...STOP!!!!!! NO, wrong show.

Again, do you see what my mind is doing?

I apologize for not posting on Friday. It was a hell, shit day for me.

Ahhhhh, here's to being ventoso...

(no this is not admitting to farting, ventoso has nothing to do with that)

Hell, I thought to end this crazy blog should be random, just like me...

desenfocado

2005-07-27T15:58:00.000-04:00

desenfocado
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

I feel so unfocused today, but more so like I have been dumped into a desert wasteland. I arrived at work to find a parking lot full of cars and nobody around. As I continued my walk, the new rain had just quited the atmosphere, and until I walked into my small building of work I did not see a single soul. It was like Abre los Ojos or four my American Friends, Vanilla Sky. And suddenly I thought maybe the world did end. (I will talk about this fear later). As I continued through the day I see to be surrounded by the dead bodies of other unfocused travelers. The only time I was witness to a group of semi animate persons was as I was walking past the Smokers lounge to drop off a parcel. I had never seen that many people outside, most of whom I knew. So many of them, as if they couldn't go anywhere without a large group, which supportted my subconscience thought that the Godot bomb had dropped and we were all alone.

This of course was not the case. I wished that sometimes I could shut off my life, the world, and others for a short time. My night of rest turned into restlessness. I can't sleep when I need to resolve an issue. Last night I needed to. But due to both of us not having the time, we decided that today would be better to meet or to talk over the telly. I am glad we will shed some light on this and hopefully find a resolution that will bring us both honor.

To continue down my spiral of the end of the world. I am sitting at my desk and all the way on the other side of the building sits this guy who comes and talks to me at times. Not talked to as in, "do you want to have a cup of coffee," but just hangs around from time to time. He is very cute and sweet. He is sipping his cofffe talking with his friend. His friend is hidden behind a pller so it looks as if he is in a panto with light laughter underscoring his motions. In between us is a cavernous stairwell, whose sides are cut off by the door. So, it looks as if there is a pit between us. Two men seperated by a bottomless pit, not being able to reach the other. This might just be the start of my next play. Ha. He's a cutie, but who knows. I have other things to think about right now.

The best day ever!

2005-07-27T12:23:00.000-04:00

Okay so, I took this quiz and I absolutely am soooooo freaking happy I cannot stand it. I love this blog! Okay I am a nerd.

Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton

You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door
With more than a touch of geekiness

Who's Your Famous Blogger Twin?

en pensamiento

2005-07-27T00:03:00.000-04:00

en pensamiento
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Today:

Today has been a very interesting and enlightening day. I became aware of a misunderstanding that has caused great harm to many people. All of whom are my friends. I somehow feel as if I am the bad guy, but really there is no one to blame. Because of, as always, lack of communication and twisted words I have hurt someone. I am very sorry about this, but because neither of us talked about it...well, you can decode the silence. This is not at all how I expected things to turn out. Now four of us are effected by two peoples actions, but perhaps this is where it all began. I am a fool, I knew becoming friends with other gay men was going to be hard. It's like a straight man and woman being friends. It is just to hard sometimes. This is not to say it cannot happen, however, I am always a bit on edge around my guy male friends when situations arise like this. This has happened to me once before. I was the one who was hurt, left and broken because they decided that I was expendable. This is not the case in this experience, however, I feel that now looking back I should have heard his side of the story. Now, as I am the one misunderstood or perhaps overunderstood (that is to say have had assumptions layered on me) I want the chance to talk. I hope I will get that chance.

Tonight:

My dear Babs and I shared a wonderful conversation about men. How we love and hate them and how we are alike in the way we deal with them. Perhaps because of all the bullshit surrounding the situation from above, is why I haven't acted as I needed to, or how I normally do. Thank you Babs, for everything tonight. It was wonderful talking through our problems. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation too much.

Tomorrow:

Tomorrow will be filled with thought as well I am sure. A close dancer friend of mine is coming to hang out and talk about projects we want to do and I am sure we will laugh and cry and discuss politics and religion and life...or giggle like school girls about boys, movies and Gael Garcia Bernal. I look forward to this distraction tomorrow night, because as tired as I am, I will be en pensamiento for some time tonight.

Adios mis amores,

Lestat

Humor: ?Que mi?

2005-07-25T22:07:00.000-04:00

What me?
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

So strangly enough I don't have much to blog about. I was a bit put off this weekend. I rat up my back and couldn't get it off. I can't believe how much someone can get me so mad. As if it wasn't enough that someone is being such a heartbreaker to two of my girls, he has to flaunt the fact that he is top dog. Now, not that I have ever been top dog and shown it...

...So I have the dog tonight. My lovelies let me baby sit while one is out of town and the other is at work. He is being passive right this minute. Getting some sleep after running around my small apartment and jumping on everything he possibly could. And has anyone noticed what a great segway just happened, I hope you noted it. Back to little Billy Shakes. He is great and I am going to love playing with him. However, I don't know if one of my friends will be so excited to see him. Oh well.

In other news, I have cleaned most of my apartment. I have a few boxes and my closet to go through and the WC, but you know, that can wait throughout this week. just a few days till my lovely Babs turns the wonderful and exciting age of 29. She is scared, but I know she will love this transition period. Her life is about to bloom into an exciting new stage. I cannot wait to share this next part of it with you discovering and working on my play. We are in the stages of me listening to people read it and have fun with it and change it and get to a point where I can send it in. I am excited and cannot wait.

I have become a bit of a schoolboy. I find the world exciting and envigorating. I cannot stop writting on a new play I am working on. Which is why the sadness and then the happiness on my blog. When I write I tend to become the emotional state of my characters. Not totally, but I tend to blend with the overall mood.

I have had lots of new things to write about. I should post something that I have written soon. But then again, maybe I should save it. Who knows, this is partially a place to have writting excercises, maybe I should show some progress in an actual piece. Well, maybe someday till then my loves (it sounds like the world reads this, he he, thank you the few that do)...

With that I will see you in time...

Lestat