Much ado about nothing...

To my dear Anita, I don't think it's f*cking men that are the problem, I think them being just men and not f*cking are the problem (or what you will). So, these weeks are flying by more and more quickly, and for some reason I am insanely happy with that. I have no time to accomplish everything, however, I am so glad to have everything fly by. What's up with that, I do not know. So, I am having a great time on my choreography for the dance department that I am in. It is so crazy and out there and well, me. Sometimes I think I get way too distracted by the same sex. Men are too easy to look at.

Back for a second death...

I wish I could say that my life has been as quite as my blog. Endless rehearsals and class fill my day as I try to piece together a sane life. Although, I am beginning to think sanity is overrated. Gay pride was last weekend, and Riff cheered for the Gay Cheerleaders, and seemed to be very happy to see me and of course told me to call. So, stupidly I did. Knowing full well, he will call when he wants to. Dirty sh*t. Oh maybe you don't know. We had a little fun a few weeks ago, with someone else. Now, I don't expect him to be my boyfriend, no it was just innocent fun. BUT, I do expect a phone call and a hangout after doing that.

Less about Riff, more about my piece. I am choreographing a piece called Finding Exodus. It's about the leaving of one person from another. Wow, maybe I should apply this to the first paragraph, la la la.

I don't think I know how to write in one of these anymore. Every time I come to the computer I space out and don't know what to talk about. Well, maybe next time will be more rewarding.

Lestat
PS I am a little freaking out b/c of Grad school.

Another day, another whatever...

Sorry that my life has not been so exciting except for the fun of school I am working constantly and well the love life is non existent right now. So what to talk about? Well, I am reading constantly now. My reading consists of mainly dance books that tell me how to think, and then my professors tell me I need to form my own mind (but then tell me what to think). I am sick to death of being told, just let me read my books and go through my own thought processes. Maybe, when my head stops spinning I will "accertain the situation and move into a more stable awareness of what I want." hmmm, what I want... This is something I need to think more of. I recently did an audition for a show going on in the next town. I had a great first reading, but a difficult and not so good second reading. He has since cast everyone, but the character I was auditioning for. I do know why which is a good thing. It's because he is auditioning more men. I was the only man at auditions. It is a very female heavy show and it looks for a specific type of guy to play the part. Specific in acting as well as looks. I fit the look and my acting can handle it, however, politics and a bad callback may have put me out of the running. I dance all day, read all night, and just was in a fight with my friends that I feel terrible about. I can't believe I snapped at them. Granted he is a scapegoat for many of my outbursts of anger, but rarely do I snap at him. So, tonight I went to the library to study, and I did achieve this studding. However, I didn't finish. And now I am talking to this wonderful online journal (I hear the words of my favorite professor in the back of my head, "sarcasm is the lowest for of humor"). My head is spinning and I don't know if I made the right choice, but who can I talk to about this other than myself? Others can't answer this question for me. Only I can, but then why isn't the answer easier for me? Only time can tell right now. I feel another emotional breakdown coming on. But hopefully I can reschedule it for another time... ha if only Life worked that way.

Lestat

At the ballet...

After dancing for four years I decided to become a part of a school of dance. Now having a modern background I thought I would be fine as the school is a modern dance department. I didn't even think of how hard it would be to dive back into ballet. Never having taken it seriously, I didn't expect it to come at me this hard. Time for a mental breakdown, cue the music. Yes, today at the ballet class I had a break down. Not unusual for the neurotic person that I am. I know how to do the movements, however, they were being yelled out and at a rapid pace. I went up to my instructor, someone who looks like the typical prima ballerina, from Russia with love (okay so I am being mean because I hate ballet). But she does look like that, however, she is very kind and compassionate and told me that she thought I was doing fine in her class and that she thought I would survive. I should be listening to her rather than myself who cannot comprehend what my body is going through. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen grad dance school. What was I thinking? But maybe I will be okay and I will be made stronger. Or I will fall and learn something from that.

I want my head to stop spinning though. I need to become more organized but I don't know if I can do that. We will see...

Lestat

Then came the next night...

I have often wondered why gay men and straight women become friends. Yes, they may or may not have a lot in common, and the spa stuff, and even the guy watching. It interests me though how they become friends so easily, because when they go to each others clubs they don't have as much fun. I recently when to a club with my straight friends, it was okay, but it was obviously a straight club. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I did have fun, however, that night what I obviously needed was a man, or two or six. But of course there was no way of getting one as they were all straight, or if they were there and gay they were not my type. Now, it's not as if I don't like straight people, believe me I have helped their sexual preference out enough, but I think what bothers me about going to the straight club with my straight friends is my own insecurity. Now if they go to a gay club, women can dance with each other (obviously) or they can dance with a man, they can mug down, whatever. Gay men at a straight club, not so much. If I do happen to find a gay guy I like at a straight club, it is likely that they will be very uncomfortable dancing with me or vis versa (probably not for me because I am past what others think I am in theatre/dance of course I don't care what people think) but in certain situations maybe. So, it is very hard for me at certain straight clubs to have a good time. Also, it had to do with other emotions I was feeling. I was quite dicked over that night and wanted to drown my sorrows and maybe find them in another mans mouth. Don't judge me you've done it too. So, I don't know where I am going with this, I think I am avoiding talking about a subject, well I know I am avoiding talking about Riff. I have no reason to be upset. He's seeing someone else, not that he has or is seeing me so it should not be important, however, when you like someone and then become friends and you have great chemistry together, but they won't recognize that and then they go out and sleep or rather in this case so far meet and start talking to other people, well, it's interesting, to say the least. Although you are friends and you know that you two are only friends, but let's be honest since this is my journal, you deep down still want them to wake up and realize what great chemistry you two have. I think we may have lost that chemistry now. For now, at least. Maybe, the hanging out we did will allow us to still be friends.

So, I am choreographing two very interesting pieces. One of them deals with the above. Letting go of someone. Like when you leave someone or someone leaves you from this obviously small instance where I liked someone and they did not return the like or if we had a long meaningful relationship and then he left. It takes time to have someone exit your body. Granted, Riff, won't take as long as Ben did, but then me and him were together for longer and had an amazing relationship. Riff will only take a few days. Yes, I hate that it is that long. Others took me only a few hours, minutes, seconds, actually in the middle of the act I wanted to be out of there bodies... la la la. Anyway, the point of this journal was to throw up what I was feeling on the screen and I have accomplished most of what I wanted to say, however, I don't think I want to go any further.

Also, to my friend at the straight club, if you read this email, I did have a good time, just not as good of a time as I have at queer clubs because of obvious reasons. So, just remember I love you and it was fun.

Anyway,

Lestat