I have often wondered why gay men and straight women become friends. Yes, they may or may not have a lot in common, and the spa stuff, and even the guy watching. It interests me though how they become friends so easily, because when they go to each others clubs they don't have as much fun. I recently when to a club with my straight friends, it was okay, but it was obviously a straight club. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I did have fun, however, that night what I obviously needed was a man, or two or six. But of course there was no way of getting one as they were all straight, or if they were there and gay they were not my type. Now, it's not as if I don't like straight people, believe me I have helped their sexual preference out enough, but I think what bothers me about going to the straight club with my straight friends is my own insecurity. Now if they go to a gay club, women can dance with each other (obviously) or they can dance with a man, they can mug down, whatever. Gay men at a straight club, not so much. If I do happen to find a gay guy I like at a straight club, it is likely that they will be very uncomfortable dancing with me or vis versa (probably not for me because I am past what others think I am in theatre/dance of course I don't care what people think) but in certain situations maybe. So, it is very hard for me at certain straight clubs to have a good time. Also, it had to do with other emotions I was feeling. I was quite dicked over that night and wanted to drown my sorrows and maybe find them in another mans mouth. Don't judge me you've done it too. So, I don't know where I am going with this, I think I am avoiding talking about a subject, well I know I am avoiding talking about Riff. I have no reason to be upset. He's seeing someone else, not that he has or is seeing me so it should not be important, however, when you like someone and then become friends and you have great chemistry together, but they won't recognize that and then they go out and sleep or rather in this case so far meet and start talking to other people, well, it's interesting, to say the least. Although you are friends and you know that you two are only friends, but let's be honest since this is my journal, you deep down still want them to wake up and realize what great chemistry you two have. I think we may have lost that chemistry now. For now, at least. Maybe, the hanging out we did will allow us to still be friends.
So, I am choreographing two very interesting pieces. One of them deals with the above. Letting go of someone. Like when you leave someone or someone leaves you from this obviously small instance where I liked someone and they did not return the like or if we had a long meaningful relationship and then he left. It takes time to have someone exit your body. Granted, Riff, won't take as long as Ben did, but then me and him were together for longer and had an amazing relationship. Riff will only take a few days. Yes, I hate that it is that long. Others took me only a few hours, minutes, seconds, actually in the middle of the act I wanted to be out of there bodies... la la la. Anyway, the point of this journal was to throw up what I was feeling on the screen and I have accomplished most of what I wanted to say, however, I don't think I want to go any further.
Also, to my friend at the straight club, if you read this email, I did have a good time, just not as good of a time as I have at queer clubs because of obvious reasons. So, just remember I love you and it was fun.
Anyway,
Lestat
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