When I was young the world was new and I could be anything I wanted to be. All I ever wished was to be older than I was at that moment. Now, I still fight that battle. But I will never be that old, to quote the story line of the play I am in now. I will never be old enough, I will never be smart enough and I will never be beautiful enough... I have become so aware of my being that it doesn't matter anymore. I justify the things I need to work on.
Smoking has always been my form of suicide and I have known this for several years now. I will not quit because I cannot imagine a day that goes by that I don't try some form of suicide. I know, welcome to earth here's your number...
To be in this moment gives me great saddness.
I sometimes say I will never because I, deep down inside believe that if I say that it will reverse the situation I am in. Unfortunately, that has never been the case.
Boys have always been a weakness for me, and I feel that because the boys I choose will never love me, I am safe. I will never experience the joys of love, because I am too afraid of the possibilities that will come with exposing myself. I see fault in others and can read people because I, like a camelion, choose a skin close to theirs.
It is very hard to distinguish what I feel and what I know...too often have I been ruled by logic that I don't listen to emotion. I don't live in the now, because logic takes over. I feel that logic is a way to better myself. therefor my logic takes over to make me a better person, of which I am not. So long have I trusted that logic to lead me to a place, and that place is barron... devoid of meaning, because my emotions were packed in another bag. The times I pack logic and ride with emotion that it is the most dangerous and inevitably the most fun. I wish that I could backpack my life with logic and see the world through emotion.
Love has not come to me, I have sitimatical seek it.
I use riddle to sound smart, but really it is just the logic creaping in to make you love me... see I did it again, and again just now... How calculated was that last sentence?
There was a night a long time ago I watched with my third eye two friends come together but not touch. It was here I realized that I love them both and was initiating the whole thing. I had loved them so much yet had calculated every move of their togetherness. Was it because the whole time I feel in love with them, I realized they would never love me... It wouldn't have worked, even if it had for only a moment, a moment can't last forever, even if you write a play about it... (how long has that been in my brain, and how calculated was that statement). They want to be together, but for what, a moment in time, to make a connection for a moment (I am bitter saying this, maybe they will prove me wrong and come into a romance so pure Romeo and Juliet would look like enemies)... Sometimes I hope that they will prove me wrong and I can gloat in my own pity, hmmm, yes pity because I am not like them... I don't go through life seeking real emotion, just logic...a compact that says this is binding and we cannot break it... Until I prove it wrong.
I think I hate the mirror most because there is no relection there... Vampire have been a fasination forever, is that a reason even if it is a small one... My reflection has nothing, because I willed it away many years ago. Who I wanted to be and what I became where two different things. The Jeckel and Hyde of my life are polar opposites and have no reason to meet. They will never meet. I want to prove myself wrong, because then i will have lessened myself, and then I can win, win what? The prize behind the door that is empty....possibly (you feel sorry for me, I think that maybe I have made you, you only hear my side, you don't know my Jeckel)...
This drunken stooper and mixed emotion of realizing I came out of the closet because I didn't want to be miserable and alone, but now, because of life choices not dealing with my sexuality, I am... And will be... I have friends, several of whom I am close too, maybe not that close, sometimes I don't know. That's a problem with me... I never know... I need to... I really need to get over it an be myself, who is that little boy, I don't remember...
I want someone to save me, but by saying that I think I will be proven wrong and no one will...
A voice is heard, "Save yourself"
But how?
I don't have all the answers, I give advice from observations, I know nothing, it is all very Godot... I am being clever again, you like me now, was that calculated?
I throw up, I move on...
I can't take this shit...
I am going to bed.
