no fumar

no fumar
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

title: no fumar

QAF
Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here? (Ep. 120)

Open to the toilet seat every night. I started about a week and a half ago. Waking, not being able to breathe, puking because of it. I thought I was just sick. Open a bottle of meds pop the Nyquil or Dayquil, try to sleep for 2 hours and get back to work. Grad school is demanding. I finally went to the doctors 3 or 4 days after this started, okay I wasn't going to go until I puked the blood. I went to the doctors to get a Z-Pac and go home. But what I received was what I feared most.

Enter Asthma stage right. The ghost that I had defeated in the past, my Voldemort. Now, newly revived. I had to start a breathing treatment immediately.

Flashback to when I was a kid, on the floor with a breathing machine watching Sesame Street.

I sat in the room hooked up to a breathing machine thinking of the statements the doctors made. You have the breath of a small child, a girl small child. She scoffs and asks how I ever was a dancer or had enough breath to act.

I remember the hospitals, the nights of not breathing, and the millions of reasons why I can't have asthma again.

My voice is still gone, scratchy, and not up to do a show. I have only a few weeks to the role of my life and I may have f*cked it up royally.

This is why I now have no fumar in my life. It is officially day 5 since I threw the fags away. My breathing is better. I haven't had an attack in 2 days. I use an inhaler 4 times a day for now, and have a set of pills that make me real dizzy. One in the morning and one at night. I am not to operate heavy machinery and I am glad I don't have a boyfriend right now.

I wake up and move on. I miss the first drag of a fag in the morning, or with a pint. I will not lie; this is the worst feeling of my life wanting something that is killing me. I feel so stupid, but I was for smoking in the first place. eh.

I am reading the book A Million Little Pieces. It's about an addict in rehab. Now, I don't feel so bad about myself and seeing what he went through makes me feel a little silly about wanting a fag so much. But I still do. And even people in rehab get to smoke.

Bitter, party of one...

I danced yesterday and although I was dizzy from the meds...I was happy...

fade out, cue inspiring music, go cry in the dark corner...

QAF Quote:
Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (Episode: 313)

This is how I feel...

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 11:00am, Yes all be jealous, but know that this is the first in a while of me getting up this late.

2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS ? Neither, don't really care for them.

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Harry Potter

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. show? The only show on TV: LOST, Nip/Tuck is a close 2nd.

5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Nothing today.

6. What IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Scott

7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Mexican

8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Not much, turnips and beats

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? Salt and Vinigar

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? The Joshua Tree, has and will be my favorite for a while, long live U2

11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Ford Escort ZX2

12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? PBAJ (apple jelly)

13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Ego

14. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU LOVE MOST? Hope

15. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Anything that looks good on me, and looks better off ;)

16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Prague or Barcelona

17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? Black white and green

18. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? I love me some Merona, ie cheap Metro/gay where that looks hot, business/chiq

19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? Spain or Hawaii

20. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? The one with the least presents and most friends, as of now I cannot tell you the year.

21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? futball, and no I didn't mispell it to the American readers it is soccer. And rugby.

22. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? Well, this is suppose to be an email, but I am lazy and like to blog. So you tell me leave a response!!

23. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? again leave a response and put this on your blog!!

24. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? see above

25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 23 Nov

26. WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?? Of what?

27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? I'm a nightie he he

28. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 8

29. ANY PETS? I have joint custody of a mini pinnie

30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Found a nice little pub last night and yes, I gave the bartender my number...

31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Indiana Jones

32. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired, too many Grad papers

33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? something with caramel and almonds, mmmmmm

34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? I love fire and ice roses, but birds of paradise are so beautiful

35. WHAT IS A DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? Honestly? Not sure- yet.

36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Czech Republic.

37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? Baths, reading outside and being around close friends

atrapado

dull friday blues...I saved this draft to edit later, well maybe not edit but to finish. Work is good...better if I am not there...