no fumar

no fumar
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

title: no fumar

QAF
Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here? (Ep. 120)

Open to the toilet seat every night. I started about a week and a half ago. Waking, not being able to breathe, puking because of it. I thought I was just sick. Open a bottle of meds pop the Nyquil or Dayquil, try to sleep for 2 hours and get back to work. Grad school is demanding. I finally went to the doctors 3 or 4 days after this started, okay I wasn't going to go until I puked the blood. I went to the doctors to get a Z-Pac and go home. But what I received was what I feared most.

Enter Asthma stage right. The ghost that I had defeated in the past, my Voldemort. Now, newly revived. I had to start a breathing treatment immediately.

Flashback to when I was a kid, on the floor with a breathing machine watching Sesame Street.

I sat in the room hooked up to a breathing machine thinking of the statements the doctors made. You have the breath of a small child, a girl small child. She scoffs and asks how I ever was a dancer or had enough breath to act.

I remember the hospitals, the nights of not breathing, and the millions of reasons why I can't have asthma again.

My voice is still gone, scratchy, and not up to do a show. I have only a few weeks to the role of my life and I may have f*cked it up royally.

This is why I now have no fumar in my life. It is officially day 5 since I threw the fags away. My breathing is better. I haven't had an attack in 2 days. I use an inhaler 4 times a day for now, and have a set of pills that make me real dizzy. One in the morning and one at night. I am not to operate heavy machinery and I am glad I don't have a boyfriend right now.

I wake up and move on. I miss the first drag of a fag in the morning, or with a pint. I will not lie; this is the worst feeling of my life wanting something that is killing me. I feel so stupid, but I was for smoking in the first place. eh.

I am reading the book A Million Little Pieces. It's about an addict in rehab. Now, I don't feel so bad about myself and seeing what he went through makes me feel a little silly about wanting a fag so much. But I still do. And even people in rehab get to smoke.

Bitter, party of one...

I danced yesterday and although I was dizzy from the meds...I was happy...

fade out, cue inspiring music, go cry in the dark corner...