¿adónde vas?

I am truly amazed by the city the last few days, spring has come and I am working on finding myself in another world. Changing my mind has always been a good thing, but lately, it has been a great thing. That's really all I have tonight, other than this weekend I behaved like a teenager again, staying out all night at a party on Saturday, then dinner with the next night, not really getting anything done, but having a blast. The Italian and I are seeing a play in about 2 weeks and I have 2 conferences to go to and a scholarship interview soon. I really have nothing to say today, or rather, my thoughts are all over the place...I think its a good time to go hit the yoga mat and find a peaceful thing to meditate on. That's all, just trying to collect my thoughts, and needed to post something anything at least once.

Lestat

El Amor de Nada...

Ted: God is Love, and since he doesn't make mistakes, you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. (QAF Season 1)

So yesterday was a crap blog, I admit, not that I think I have a legion of fans reading, I don't even think there are three, ha ha, but that is ok, this blog was always started for me to throw up on a page...(see all blogs before this one, ha ha). I think back, well that's rhetorical considering we all think back, it's very hard to think forward and for some to think present...but I digress, I think back, a lot these days about how I have lived my life. What am I proud of and what do I regret. Luckily the proud out numbers the regret...but funny thing, I'm not so sure yet if it outweighs the regret. Funny thing about regret, it is much denser and heavier than pride. I regret not finding more love, or allowing myself to date more. I feel a bit like the interns of Seattle Grace...yes I'm in Seattle making a reference to Grey's Anatomy. ha ha. but, and I have said this before Theatre people are like Medical Interns, they spend their whole college or first years in the theatre trying to make a name for themselves, which gives them very little time for relationships. And often the relationships we have are so few or actually just sex (shocker theatre people are promiscuous). So needless to say I am very similar in that I never really cultivated an idea of love...Not to say that I am not a true bohemian who is a complete Romantic at heart. I just was not sure how long I would be in one area for one time. Then, I end up living in one area for eight years, found some heartache, maybe some love, maybe not so much...Flashback of NYE, one guy confessing his love, another falling for me in that moment...was I stupid to leave...Present...now I have officially been on 3 dates with 2 guys. The first was not so good, the kiss...yes it is in his kiss...not so good, the second, I find I really like the sexy Italian, but don't know how he feels about me...hmmmmm, I wonder. I texted him earlier and asked him for a 3rd date. Hopefully the cocktails will not be so heavy this time...ummmm yes the last date involved cocktails and inappropriate Jenga. Yes, you can say it, Ima Slut is my name...ok, so it wasn't too horrible...Ok, no more details ;) ok, just one, lets just say, he was a much better kisser...that's all you get. For now all I can say is that I guess, love, or lack their of, is something I no longer want in the regret pile. I am sure my heartache will go up, but maybe just maybe, my pride file will grow a little more. So, regrets watch out...Pride is coming to kill you.

PS...the Italian just texted, he wants to go out again ;)

Lestat

Dormando en Seattle

Justin: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.
(QAF Season 4)

So no post yesterday, I was not feeling too well. Today, I am better but just not up to par as my usual self. Balance, Balance, I feel that I’m wavering. I feel like the closer I get to getting things in balance the closer I get to not finding that balance I am searching for…Life is interesting, the moment you get it figured out, things change, sometimes for good, other times for bad. I know, I know, I have been speaking in a lot of clichés lately. But really, what is life without them. I’m tired…always now I am tired. I don’t know if it’s me getting older, or the fact that I’ve ran so hard for so many years that now in rest it’s all coming back to me now. Why did I spend so many years running, what was I trying to prove…well for one that I could do acting…was ok at that…that I could be a director…was ok at that…that I could find love…NOT so good at that…that I was living…too soon to tell. Sometimes I feel I was more alive when I was in school, sometimes I feel I was more alive when I was out of school, I often feel I am more alive now, but today, ummmmm not so good. I wished I was better at life, but then again, I think most human’s feel that way. For me today is about getting through, which is the same goal for the month and till May 10^th. I don’t know what will change other than finding out some things financially, but that is the goal I am working toward right now. It’s something attainable, which for someone who has attempted the unattainable for so long, is a step in the right direction. I look at my yoga mat, and think, maybe tomorrow…once I feel better…well, the next time I feel better is exactly when I will…maybe…until that day comes…

Lestat

Encontrando el equilibrio

Emmett: I prefer to think of them all as lunatics. Except for Aunt Lulah, who was supposed to be the crazy one. She was my only friend. (QAF Season 4)

With everything, life has a balance that needs to be obtained, by most, there are some that have a feeling of being off balance that excites them and keeps them going. I have always been the later until recently. Recently, I have become accustomed to working towards balance, and needing it. Something not usual for me…alright downright crazy for me. But in striving for balance am I really running away from my past? Is this just another way I am inventing myself? And if the answer to either question is yes…then is it making me a better person? And if it is making me a better person, does that mean I am buying into the binary idea of good and bad? I know, very contradictory today…okay, usually every day. I stared at my yoga mat again today. Yes, I had time to do yoga…I had more than enough time. I made coffee, I sipped, I enjoyed the morning. No music. Just quieting thoughts and trying to turn the brain off before the day began, to see if I could do it throughout the day and still function. I laughed, but didn’t get it down to my center until I was at work…I am still not able to access needed programs L but hey, such is life. I am blogging, because until one of two people come in, I have nothing I can do…at least not to my knowledge. I was five minutes late…I hate being late, especially, when I have enough time to get to the place I was going…I stare at the outside world looking at the students…I people watch, not an unusual occurrence for me. I’m awake, but not, but am, but have a feeling my subconscious is trying to tell me something…In a dream last night someone told me they had read my book…I haven’t written a book…but maybe one day…hmmmm. I at least got breakfast down today, Muesli, yum. Realized I had meditated too long, ran down the hill, got in the car, drove to the office…talked with a coworker…and now I am here.

Maybe, I will post something more interesting later today.

Lestat

Rápidamente con la sensación de vida

Emmett: A song and a snack can turn any event into an occasion. (QAF Season ?)

So, I am sitting at work, I know, not the best use of my time on blogger, but hey I figure I get 2 breaks a day and I can justify this as one of them. I am working on the now, and today, well, the now was a little earlier then I thought it would be. I woke up, or rather hit the dimiss button on the phone. I had left teh wake up time at Starbucks wake up time (4:30 a.m.). I rolled over, I woke up, I panicked. I thought I had overslepted. It was 6:30 a.m. I was fine. So, what did I do? I was a in the now person who got up and did his yoga and meditated...NOT...I went back to sleep for 20 more minutes, ran around. I'm totally not centered.

Day Break

So last night I went out with a really cute Itallian :). So, yeah I'll see where that goes...and yes he rides a Vespa, but he doesn't say Ciao, well, at least he hasn't yet. Too soon to tell if it is anything more than what it is, but I have been enjoying the conversations, and last night, I started enjoying the kissing ;) but that is all for now, I am exhausted and need to figure out work stuff. Seems everyone in the office is running late...meh I like the office when no one is here, it's quite and I can think.

Lestat

Y ha estado tan

Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie. (QAF Season ?)

And so it is, the big move has come and gone, I'm now in Seattle, WA, ok have been for several months. I found a job, at Starbucks, and now have left Starbucks to work at the community college system here. I have been on one audition, but have realized, all this time, I have been okay with the break in theatre. It was something I needed, for a while. It's a reason I moved to Seattle, I wanted to find meaning, find something new, have an adventure and settle down. Boy was it an adventure...5days of it getting up here total. I lived with friends the first month, and I got involved in volunteer work, found a place in First Hill/Downtown area, learned the geography of Seattle and found out its a lot different than where I was from...the ominous state of Texas. It was a change I needed. I keep saying this to people as if its my mantra or my prayer for today. I say it so much I say it more and more like I say Carry water, Chop wood, one of my favorite mantra's...something to remember enlightenment isn't just something you achieve, but something maintained as well, and something that goes with day to day life. I have started forging my spirituality again, looking within myself. Being ever so Eat, Pray, Love and so forth...but different can be the same. Of all the places I have lived different is constant. I was never much for routine, other than to be spontaneous and in that spontaneity I was also very routine...day job from 8 to 5, dinner, theatre from 7 to 11, early morning rituals and getting to play with my dog as much as I could. Bars would be for the weekend, and friends had a schedule to...Different doesn't seem so different anymore. Although I do feel a major change in me since I moved. Yes, I am still a gay man, self obsessed with image and sex, but more willing to think less like Brian Kenny and more like myself, Lestat Oberon. I hate myself for not starting to blog earlier, but I was resting...maybe I should go back to the Eat, Pray, Love comment earlier...when I arrived in Seattle, it was all about the food. I ate...I ate well. I was with a group of friends that loved food. I still am around them, and I am still eating, but now I feel like I have been in the Praying mode...Funny enough at a conference the other day I put down that I Meditate to eliminate stress, both I and my coworker both checked the box which included prayer, meditation and religion. We both checked the box and circled meditation as if to say we were not praying. But in a since I am starting to feel it more like prayer, and starting to feel some kind of presence again. I'm not going all Jesus freak and I can't stand organized religion still, but I feel that presence, whatever you want to call it, around me. At a dinner with friends, funny enough a last meal of sorts with two of my fave girls this subject came up and how they are both mother earth religious. I talked about energy as usual and how I think we will all eventually come together as a unit of collective energy after death, and so forth and so on...something I still believe, that God is energy and that we call God many names, Mother Earth, Allah, the Force, Good, Sunshine, among other more elaborate things. So, I am listening to my voice within, working on my relationship as an artist, human and spirit right now. I remember one "goal" for lack of terminology was to find love as well by moving to "the big city" :) ha ha, well, love is the next chapter, and its too soon to tell. It like everything in life is taking time. I am taking it simple right now, baby steps, living slowly and hopefully as Ben from Queer as Folk puts it...Living in the Now. It's a work in progress, but progress...something I haven't felt in a while. So onward.

Lestat