The hammer

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too. (QAF Episode 403)

I don't know when or where we learn hurt or pain, but eventually we all do. Eventually the lies of a golden perfect world die out and the bitter prune world come into being. As an artist I am very familure with distruction and pain, hell, its half our twisted lives until we learn to grow up and let the art flow through us. We don't have to be this misguided/misunderstood artist who wears black and smokes and has twenty cups of coffe in one day and still has no energy. Its the idea of destroy to create. I don't understand why I as a person always feel like I have to destroy a thing to create something new for me or that I must destroy myself to create a new me. This isn't true, it is one (albeit dangerous) road. It is something recently I have been trying to avoid. For those of you who read another public blog of mine, I talk of the hitting ourselves with a hammer and how we love it. Not because we need the pain, but because it feels so good when we stop. For that I am the worst at. I like the rush the feel of exhaustion after a long hard days work, but this exhaustion from personal pain I don't like. I don't like seeing a can of campbell's soup in my room that I have brought in from my car and feeling the memories wash over me and then having to pull myself out of the memories to become a normal person again. I didn't lose someone, I left someone. There shouldn't be this much pain from leaving. It should be easy. It should be quicker pain, like ripping off a band aid. But instead we pull out the old hammer again. It doesn't help to be an artist when all of this is going on. Because we have a natural hammer working at us...When are we cast now, when do we get through rehearsals, the director is too hard, the director hates me, I can't find motivation, boo-hoo, then the release of performance comes and all is lifted. We forget somethings. The hammer is taken away and we get the bows. And then back to the hammer. I think Dr. Grey from Grey's Anatomy said it best, "There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."

Perhaps I am not as smart as I think

Brian: Why can't we just stay here and cuddle? (QAF Episode: 513)

I have been so confused lately, and it is my own fault. I am jack's lack of enthusiasm. It seems I should be listening to the councel of my friends, but instead I have been working towards my own stupidity. I know when things are hot and that I shouldn't touch, but it is the intrigue that keeps me going to it. I must explore. I make mistakes to learn...I am afraid this may be my undoing. I seek too much. I explore too much and don't realize the effects the journey has on me. I don't realize how much I can get hurt and that my appetite for life might sicken.

I won't say that I think the moment your heart breaks you should cease to exist. I don't believe that anymore. Mainly, because my heart has broken too much, and I know I can't die, I just have to pull myself up by my boot straps and go on. But, like a stupid boy that I am I try too hard for the things that cannot make me happy. Boys that cannot make me happy.

And to be completely overly dramatic, I will say, perhaps there is not someone that will make me happy. Maybe I need to give up on it, because it will come if it will and if it won't, I have no control over it. It is something I am afraid of, losing control. But this is one thing I have to loose control of...And besides, I have a life to live. I have places to go, a life to live. And I want that, life, career, and more...but I guess I will settle for two things I am very thankful for: life and career.

Let's focus on that for now...

Soy un fregadero desenchufado

Honestly, I think walk around with a sign on my head that reads either, "soy estupido" or "Lastimeme, yo no cuidan." And for those of you espanol majors out there, I know I don't use the accents, they eff up my html, so boo whore. Back to my useless life. I know I am egocentric, I thought that was why you read, it's obviously why I write.

Yesterday, the good little boy traveled to work at 7:00am hoping to discover the meaning of life, for he was always looking. At work he found wonders of coffee and a shoulder he could cry on, however he had forgotten his lunch and gold fishees. You see he had just gone to bed at 5:00 that same morning (The moral of this part of the story is he got to work on time). From being too drunk and playing the role of Meredith Grey. Quickly he left

Interuption: in todays news, my boss just pasted through and I gave her an update, and she just ask me if I was talking to her. She appologized and said she wasn't even listening...and my response was, right now, no one I want to listen is, so why should you be any different...pity party of one...dear diary, right, well that is what this is.

Quckly he left for class answering a text from BJ, who hopes he has a good day after such a crazy night, U 2, said Lestat who doesn't mention the fact that he is a bit put off BJ didn't sleep in the bed last night. 2 classes later and Lestat finds out that BJ texted are you mad? No I am not Aron asshole. but Lestat ends up going to his work to see him, Lestat validates this by buying a bday present for his niece. He is so clever. After shopping and eating, it's on to rehearsal and then to grey's anatomy where our hero spends the whole night crying and texting BJ who is "talking to his boyfriend online." We end the night on the phone. So, I am the other woman, and I am just waiting for him to leave.

Fast forward to a conversation with Jake. I know he's a player, but I am not going to see him. I am not going to go out with him this week...

and I relize, I am only trying to convense myself.

El rey de gris

Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them.
(QAF, Episode 407)

When did I become Meredith Grey? So, I did that thing you aren't suppose to do. I did it. he hears the laughs from the peanut galarie and realizes that he must explain which thing. Well, it was many things. I wasn't suppose to kiss him, or sleep with him, or tell him I was falling for him a dramatic pause of gasps you see it all happened so unnaturally...So positively crazily...That we forgot to stop pretending.

It happened last night our Peter Pan attitude shifted. A series of numbers and it was over. 1, 2, 7, 18... The price of the beer, the number of people in love, the number of months that one of the 2 had been in love, the number of beers consumed by 4 wait I left a number out, perhaps for the better. That is right there were 4 people who left the bar together and three that stayed over last night and 2 on couches and one (myself) in bed. What a circle.

I have been loosing weight and gaining inches if that is possible. I stand at 137 a mere 2 pounds till I have my goal weight and I still can't get past the 32 in mark. Now usually I would agree for the small person to shut the eff up, but recently I was 36-38 in and 180 pounds on a frame that was never over 135 and 28 in. I want my last 2 in off. I know I am a bastard. But we covered that in me sleeping with a man who is attached. Thanks, Bitch, table for one, ummmm bye now.

When did it become not so easy to dump a guy, especially one that isn't available. Perhaps, it is because he has treated me better by being with someone else than any single man has treated me before? It is probably true. I am a dreadful bore. Since I feel for a taken man, does that mean in a few years I will go after a wife beater and be the wife???

I have so many questions today and I know none of them can be answered, and in fact I am okay with this.

Finish coffee, spell check, and move on...

En un agujero

Brandon: If I win, I get back into Babylon. And what if I lose?
Brian: Then I get into you. (QAF Episode: 507)

A pill box lid opens as I take a Tylenol to protect my head from my hang over. It seems to me that I have had quite a long silence from the last blog. Wake up at 6:00 am to the sounds of 4 alarm clocks twisting my insides, take out puppies if I can wake up or vote to wait until the roomies wake up. Momentary lapses and I go shower 7:15 in my car, fumando. The taste is good in my boca but I realize I have one day to quit and my breath with stink for years. I've quit before, the taste lingers in your mouth. Every so often when you catch the smell of a moment that you enjoyed with a long stick of cancer in a time when you were young and untouchable and your mouth fill with the taste of the ashtray. despertar suenos de fumar. Better not to think about this aqui, no you are parallel parking on the curb. And you start your decent up to work, it is 10 minutos till 8, and you realize you only live 5 min away from work. Your visions go to the night, what did you do. Los besos en una boca, la brasos, su penga. What happened to the idea that I was going to take it slow, as to actually build something worthwhile rather than have some sex fest with someone I care about until I wake up bored and realize that you’re cheating on me? Hello Hailey, big fake smile as I run past la puerta en mi oficina. Get my mind out of the micro world and into the land of the dead, los secreterios. I am a glorified receptionist, I am so effing happy. Run down the day, hour for lunch, a grad class here or there una hora por dinner. I rehearse at 6 with 2 five min breaks and then straight at nine work till 2, get into my car to go to a bed with a man I spent the last two weeks with sleeping next to him want to touch him and not, until last night. I'm a slut, but so was he. We both made that decision. To quote a great band, “I just can't sleep alone..." but is it because of him or me?

I get distracted by el guapo extra. He's talking of nothing important and I don't really thing he needs to do that, better seen not heard. He's blonde, figuratively.

I walk look back on the opening of my shows this week and realize, is this it, is this what I worked so hard for. I am proud of them, but was it worth it after the cups the marmalade the tea, perhaps some talk of you and me.

I sip more coffee and ponder, I am so effing pretentious.

I'm Back

"This is not going to be another one of those 'Queer as Folk' pep talks, is it?" Ari to Lloyd on "Entourage."


As I sit here and look around at the world around me I think, it has been too long since I have posted a blog. I am a bit overwhelmed by school now. I am up to my neck in producing a series of short plays and I am a bit on edge. I don't have much to post now, but hopefully this will get the ball rolling again.