The hammer

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too. (QAF Episode 403)

I don't know when or where we learn hurt or pain, but eventually we all do. Eventually the lies of a golden perfect world die out and the bitter prune world come into being. As an artist I am very familure with distruction and pain, hell, its half our twisted lives until we learn to grow up and let the art flow through us. We don't have to be this misguided/misunderstood artist who wears black and smokes and has twenty cups of coffe in one day and still has no energy. Its the idea of destroy to create. I don't understand why I as a person always feel like I have to destroy a thing to create something new for me or that I must destroy myself to create a new me. This isn't true, it is one (albeit dangerous) road. It is something recently I have been trying to avoid. For those of you who read another public blog of mine, I talk of the hitting ourselves with a hammer and how we love it. Not because we need the pain, but because it feels so good when we stop. For that I am the worst at. I like the rush the feel of exhaustion after a long hard days work, but this exhaustion from personal pain I don't like. I don't like seeing a can of campbell's soup in my room that I have brought in from my car and feeling the memories wash over me and then having to pull myself out of the memories to become a normal person again. I didn't lose someone, I left someone. There shouldn't be this much pain from leaving. It should be easy. It should be quicker pain, like ripping off a band aid. But instead we pull out the old hammer again. It doesn't help to be an artist when all of this is going on. Because we have a natural hammer working at us...When are we cast now, when do we get through rehearsals, the director is too hard, the director hates me, I can't find motivation, boo-hoo, then the release of performance comes and all is lifted. We forget somethings. The hammer is taken away and we get the bows. And then back to the hammer. I think Dr. Grey from Grey's Anatomy said it best, "There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."