What is this obsession with love and wanting to be with someone. Everyone wants it. Maybe, we should all step back and realize how good it is to sit back and be alone. Is this such a bad idea? Maybe, if we are happy with ourselves we would be happy with the life we have and that would be enough. But, we have all these shows about love and heartache and finding the one, but no you can't look for the one because if you do that you will never find it. Then you spiral into the whole I'm just going to be Brian Kenny and f*ck around feeding my endless hunger until the end, whatever that may be. The old Lestat has been through both of these situations. I have been the man in love, and my heart was broken four years ago so I became Brian Kenny, the heartless a**hole. I slept around not finding anything I liked, because I didn't want it. I was a vampire anew, needing nothing, but always hungry. I still have a little of that old Lestat in me and as I get older I start to look for companions. Wolf packs of gay men to hang out with, because that is easy, it's simple. I don't have to f*ck anyone in my wolf pack, because that is a taboo. But eventually with the onset of pansexualism, we have all basically f*cked each other. What a strange world we live in. Here recently I have allowed people to come into my life. An actor, a choreographer and here recently a lawyer. Thinking each may hold the key to the next phase in my life. I wasn't expecting this when I met them, but the outside forces brought us together. By outside forces I mean friends, enemies (yes I have plenty of these), or situations, and I think for a brief second I could be happy with these people. I could find something within them to make the days as a vampire (i.e. if you haven't read previous post vamp means gay man) something more than work, parties, sex. As the eternal Armond, I want to be quickened once more, however, as much as it may appeal to these vampires (the actor, the choreographer, and the lawyer) they all must regretfully decline. Well, today after a night of trying to get my modem working (yes, I was up until four o'clock for those keeping score) I decided to put the lid back on my coffin. Maybe it is time for me to regretfully decline. Love has always been a curse to me. It is a dark gift. One of which has become a gift I don't think I want. I see all of my happy friends, Action and Consuela, Snowboy and Nathan, Anita and Mr. Big. They are happy together and are ready for this gift of light, not darkness. But me, it is only darkness and I don't think I want to accept this gift. I attended a woman's university for a reason. To stop with the love affairs, well, in the last two years I have had three close calls, but nothing turning up aces. So I am going to throw my deck of cards away, and hope one day I will pick up another deck that is not full of deuces that are wild.
Lestat
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