Okay, I am breezy, that's all I am going to say about that...
Announcement:
The most wonderful and talented girl in the world will be turning 20!!! Yes, my dear Babs is going to be 20!!! and not a day over does everyone here. Here's to a lovely year!!!
I am a little in a state of jelly right now. I am a bit tired, and a bit excited, and a bit well lets not go there...j/k...
I have written 2 new scenes yeah, but what of that? I need more, I need to write more...
I will, can you see how my mind is working today?
I had a wonderful meal with Superboy today!! Thanks for coming and rescuing my drab Sat afternoon!! It was fun we talked about Costumes for Seusical, of which I am Co-Designing with a wonderful girl. It will be a lot of fun, but very hard work. Superboy is going to use his powers to help out and we will have an army of taylors, okay so a few, okay maybe just a us. But really, I think it will be great. I am also auditioning, which is why I am Co-Designing. I really want the Cat in the Hat, God I hope I get it, I hope I...STOP!!!!!! NO, wrong show.
Again, do you see what my mind is doing?
I apologize for not posting on Friday. It was a hell, shit day for me.
Ahhhhh, here's to being ventoso...
(no this is not admitting to farting, ventoso has nothing to do with that)
Hell, I thought to end this crazy blog should be random, just like me...
30 July 2005
27 July 2005
desenfocado
I feel so unfocused today, but more so like I have been dumped into a desert wasteland. I arrived at work to find a parking lot full of cars and nobody around. As I continued my walk, the new rain had just quited the atmosphere, and until I walked into my small building of work I did not see a single soul. It was like Abre los Ojos or four my American Friends, Vanilla Sky. And suddenly I thought maybe the world did end. (I will talk about this fear later). As I continued through the day I see to be surrounded by the dead bodies of other unfocused travelers. The only time I was witness to a group of semi animate persons was as I was walking past the Smokers lounge to drop off a parcel. I had never seen that many people outside, most of whom I knew. So many of them, as if they couldn't go anywhere without a large group, which supportted my subconscience thought that the Godot bomb had dropped and we were all alone.
This of course was not the case. I wished that sometimes I could shut off my life, the world, and others for a short time. My night of rest turned into restlessness. I can't sleep when I need to resolve an issue. Last night I needed to. But due to both of us not having the time, we decided that today would be better to meet or to talk over the telly. I am glad we will shed some light on this and hopefully find a resolution that will bring us both honor.
To continue down my spiral of the end of the world. I am sitting at my desk and all the way on the other side of the building sits this guy who comes and talks to me at times. Not talked to as in, "do you want to have a cup of coffee," but just hangs around from time to time. He is very cute and sweet. He is sipping his cofffe talking with his friend. His friend is hidden behind a pller so it looks as if he is in a panto with light laughter underscoring his motions. In between us is a cavernous stairwell, whose sides are cut off by the door. So, it looks as if there is a pit between us. Two men seperated by a bottomless pit, not being able to reach the other. This might just be the start of my next play. Ha. He's a cutie, but who knows. I have other things to think about right now.
This of course was not the case. I wished that sometimes I could shut off my life, the world, and others for a short time. My night of rest turned into restlessness. I can't sleep when I need to resolve an issue. Last night I needed to. But due to both of us not having the time, we decided that today would be better to meet or to talk over the telly. I am glad we will shed some light on this and hopefully find a resolution that will bring us both honor.
To continue down my spiral of the end of the world. I am sitting at my desk and all the way on the other side of the building sits this guy who comes and talks to me at times. Not talked to as in, "do you want to have a cup of coffee," but just hangs around from time to time. He is very cute and sweet. He is sipping his cofffe talking with his friend. His friend is hidden behind a pller so it looks as if he is in a panto with light laughter underscoring his motions. In between us is a cavernous stairwell, whose sides are cut off by the door. So, it looks as if there is a pit between us. Two men seperated by a bottomless pit, not being able to reach the other. This might just be the start of my next play. Ha. He's a cutie, but who knows. I have other things to think about right now.
The best day ever!
Okay so, I took this quiz and I absolutely am soooooo freaking happy I cannot stand it. I love this blog! Okay I am a nerd.
Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton |
 You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door With more than a touch of geekiness |
en pensamiento
Today:
Today has been a very interesting and enlightening day. I became aware of a misunderstanding that has caused great harm to many people. All of whom are my friends. I somehow feel as if I am the bad guy, but really there is no one to blame. Because of, as always, lack of communication and twisted words I have hurt someone. I am very sorry about this, but because neither of us talked about it...well, you can decode the silence. This is not at all how I expected things to turn out. Now four of us are effected by two peoples actions, but perhaps this is where it all began. I am a fool, I knew becoming friends with other gay men was going to be hard. It's like a straight man and woman being friends. It is just to hard sometimes. This is not to say it cannot happen, however, I am always a bit on edge around my guy male friends when situations arise like this. This has happened to me once before. I was the one who was hurt, left and broken because they decided that I was expendable. This is not the case in this experience, however, I feel that now looking back I should have heard his side of the story. Now, as I am the one misunderstood or perhaps overunderstood (that is to say have had assumptions layered on me) I want the chance to talk. I hope I will get that chance.
Tonight:
My dear Babs and I shared a wonderful conversation about men. How we love and hate them and how we are alike in the way we deal with them. Perhaps because of all the bullshit surrounding the situation from above, is why I haven't acted as I needed to, or how I normally do. Thank you Babs, for everything tonight. It was wonderful talking through our problems. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation too much.
Tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be filled with thought as well I am sure. A close dancer friend of mine is coming to hang out and talk about projects we want to do and I am sure we will laugh and cry and discuss politics and religion and life...or giggle like school girls about boys, movies and Gael Garcia Bernal. I look forward to this distraction tomorrow night, because as tired as I am, I will be en pensamiento for some time tonight.
Adios mis amores,
Lestat
Today has been a very interesting and enlightening day. I became aware of a misunderstanding that has caused great harm to many people. All of whom are my friends. I somehow feel as if I am the bad guy, but really there is no one to blame. Because of, as always, lack of communication and twisted words I have hurt someone. I am very sorry about this, but because neither of us talked about it...well, you can decode the silence. This is not at all how I expected things to turn out. Now four of us are effected by two peoples actions, but perhaps this is where it all began. I am a fool, I knew becoming friends with other gay men was going to be hard. It's like a straight man and woman being friends. It is just to hard sometimes. This is not to say it cannot happen, however, I am always a bit on edge around my guy male friends when situations arise like this. This has happened to me once before. I was the one who was hurt, left and broken because they decided that I was expendable. This is not the case in this experience, however, I feel that now looking back I should have heard his side of the story. Now, as I am the one misunderstood or perhaps overunderstood (that is to say have had assumptions layered on me) I want the chance to talk. I hope I will get that chance.
Tonight:
My dear Babs and I shared a wonderful conversation about men. How we love and hate them and how we are alike in the way we deal with them. Perhaps because of all the bullshit surrounding the situation from above, is why I haven't acted as I needed to, or how I normally do. Thank you Babs, for everything tonight. It was wonderful talking through our problems. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation too much.
Tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be filled with thought as well I am sure. A close dancer friend of mine is coming to hang out and talk about projects we want to do and I am sure we will laugh and cry and discuss politics and religion and life...or giggle like school girls about boys, movies and Gael Garcia Bernal. I look forward to this distraction tomorrow night, because as tired as I am, I will be en pensamiento for some time tonight.
Adios mis amores,
Lestat
25 July 2005
Humor: ?Que mi?
So strangly enough I don't have much to blog about. I was a bit put off this weekend. I rat up my back and couldn't get it off. I can't believe how much someone can get me so mad. As if it wasn't enough that someone is being such a heartbreaker to two of my girls, he has to flaunt the fact that he is top dog. Now, not that I have ever been top dog and shown it...
...So I have the dog tonight. My lovelies let me baby sit while one is out of town and the other is at work. He is being passive right this minute. Getting some sleep after running around my small apartment and jumping on everything he possibly could. And has anyone noticed what a great segway just happened, I hope you noted it. Back to little Billy Shakes. He is great and I am going to love playing with him. However, I don't know if one of my friends will be so excited to see him. Oh well.
In other news, I have cleaned most of my apartment. I have a few boxes and my closet to go through and the WC, but you know, that can wait throughout this week. just a few days till my lovely Babs turns the wonderful and exciting age of 29. She is scared, but I know she will love this transition period. Her life is about to bloom into an exciting new stage. I cannot wait to share this next part of it with you discovering and working on my play. We are in the stages of me listening to people read it and have fun with it and change it and get to a point where I can send it in. I am excited and cannot wait.
I have become a bit of a schoolboy. I find the world exciting and envigorating. I cannot stop writting on a new play I am working on. Which is why the sadness and then the happiness on my blog. When I write I tend to become the emotional state of my characters. Not totally, but I tend to blend with the overall mood.
I have had lots of new things to write about. I should post something that I have written soon. But then again, maybe I should save it. Who knows, this is partially a place to have writting excercises, maybe I should show some progress in an actual piece. Well, maybe someday till then my loves (it sounds like the world reads this, he he, thank you the few that do)...
With that I will see you in time...
Lestat
...So I have the dog tonight. My lovelies let me baby sit while one is out of town and the other is at work. He is being passive right this minute. Getting some sleep after running around my small apartment and jumping on everything he possibly could. And has anyone noticed what a great segway just happened, I hope you noted it. Back to little Billy Shakes. He is great and I am going to love playing with him. However, I don't know if one of my friends will be so excited to see him. Oh well.
In other news, I have cleaned most of my apartment. I have a few boxes and my closet to go through and the WC, but you know, that can wait throughout this week. just a few days till my lovely Babs turns the wonderful and exciting age of 29. She is scared, but I know she will love this transition period. Her life is about to bloom into an exciting new stage. I cannot wait to share this next part of it with you discovering and working on my play. We are in the stages of me listening to people read it and have fun with it and change it and get to a point where I can send it in. I am excited and cannot wait.
I have become a bit of a schoolboy. I find the world exciting and envigorating. I cannot stop writting on a new play I am working on. Which is why the sadness and then the happiness on my blog. When I write I tend to become the emotional state of my characters. Not totally, but I tend to blend with the overall mood.
I have had lots of new things to write about. I should post something that I have written soon. But then again, maybe I should save it. Who knows, this is partially a place to have writting excercises, maybe I should show some progress in an actual piece. Well, maybe someday till then my loves (it sounds like the world reads this, he he, thank you the few that do)...
With that I will see you in time...
Lestat
22 July 2005
mood : mirando sobre mi hombro
I am a little on edge today. Not that my work compiles that right now, and by work I mean day job. I never have thought of theatre as work, although I have "worked" harder and longer at that than any other job I have had. So, anyway, back to the point. I slept like a baby last night. After talking with a close friend, thanks Superboy for the fun conversation last night. I am sure it was that and not the 3 tylenol pm's I took that helped me fall asleep. he he ;) Well, I have a few auditions to work towards right now. I would really like to be in Seussical as the Cat in the Hat, but who knows, it auditions in late aug, but there are a few other shows around that time that I am going to start auditioning for. Barcelona is full of theatre right now that interests me. And it is time for me to start exploring it. I just missed casting for Twelth Night, ah what a great show. Not that there are many roles in there for me, but what a fun show to work on. I need to audition for more Shakespeare. I miss doing it all the time. Romeo and Juliet is coming up in the Spring. Hopefully I have a chance, who knows? My voice is still having a few problems since the plague, which is what I call it now. I still cough on a none regular basis, and ever since then I can't sleep. Perhaps, it also has to do with the fact that I still wake up at night from time to time looking for the man lying next to me and realizing he isn't there. And since I have been talking about love and writing about love and breakups and Michel and Genevieve, AHHHHHH.... Maybe it reminds me of why the only time I sleep well is when I have someone lying next to me. The only other times are when I have had too much to drink or by popping that nice little blue and white pill.
...píldorito gusto de la cera y hace mi alma triste...
Okay well, now on to other things...I have found a Spanish copy of Lorca's complete works en Espanol for like 10 bucks. I hope I get money soon, but since I have a trip coming up soon I don't know. I have to save every penny, especially since the plague put me on my back for a week. Okay crazies get your mind out of the gutter I was way too sick to do that, unfortunately. Well, I whoudl get back to work soon. I will write more or less on this later.
A shout out to Babs...I love you so much and this too is something that will pass...I will wait for your call my love...
Whenever you are ready.
Lestat
...píldorito gusto de la cera y hace mi alma triste...
Okay well, now on to other things...I have found a Spanish copy of Lorca's complete works en Espanol for like 10 bucks. I hope I get money soon, but since I have a trip coming up soon I don't know. I have to save every penny, especially since the plague put me on my back for a week. Okay crazies get your mind out of the gutter I was way too sick to do that, unfortunately. Well, I whoudl get back to work soon. I will write more or less on this later.
A shout out to Babs...I love you so much and this too is something that will pass...I will wait for your call my love...
Whenever you are ready.
Lestat
21 July 2005
Here's me in a nutshell, wait thats a friends blog
Your Dominant Thinking Style: |
| Exploring You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world. |
Your Secondary Thinking Style: |
| Experimenting You're all about looking at the facts, and you could always use more of them. You see life as your lab - and you're always trying out new things, people, and ideas. The master of mix and match, you're always coming up with unique combinations. You are good at getting a group to reach consensus. |
20 July 2005
Be cool
Yes, thank you very much my dear Babs, I will be...real cool, ba da, da da da...
My moods shift like a rollercoster and I am happy
My moods shift like a rollercoster and I am happy
contemplativo y soñoliento
Tonight I am filled with need for sleep and need to think. Thinking has never been a problem for me as I think more and more as I grow older. Obviously, I have thought of love the last few days. I have thought of the man I want. Maybe the man I will never have or find. Yo no se, pero quiero, no necesito a tener eso los pensamientos y les dan las alas, de modo que la energÃa más alta sepa qué hacer. I worry to much about everything. I wrote a play about the fact that I want to find this love and yet I won't let it happen. Okay, so that was part of the play, but it is the voice that I need to be listening to. Thanks to Valencia for the notes and the push to write clarifyrify this. I am working on it, in my life and in my play. In life I will let the wings of love fly who they want my way, and if I miss or find, I will have learned something. Perhaps, that is why I am okay with what happens in life. To quote a song of Rufus Wainwright, "I'm looking for the tower of learning."
There are few men around me whose eyes I look into that fit the rest of the song. It goes,
"I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live
All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more..."
To this date there have been four...okay, maybe this is more than most, however, I only had a relationship with one, another I had a summer, and two, I haven't had at all (one I never will and another, there may be hope, it's the only currency I carry). I consider myself an optimist that is why I carry hope in my pocket. Even if I have no hope for or good self image of myself. I guess that makes me a situational optimist, or a fool...but at least the fool gives people happiness. I do have optimism(as well as sarcasm, but I am working on that).
Okay, time to get some work done on my play. I will leave you with my latest fantasy,
I want to kiss a boy in the rain...
There are few men around me whose eyes I look into that fit the rest of the song. It goes,
"I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live
All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more..."
To this date there have been four...okay, maybe this is more than most, however, I only had a relationship with one, another I had a summer, and two, I haven't had at all (one I never will and another, there may be hope, it's the only currency I carry). I consider myself an optimist that is why I carry hope in my pocket. Even if I have no hope for or good self image of myself. I guess that makes me a situational optimist, or a fool...but at least the fool gives people happiness. I do have optimism(as well as sarcasm, but I am working on that).
Okay, time to get some work done on my play. I will leave you with my latest fantasy,
I want to kiss a boy in the rain...
The keys to my heart...
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
mood : enamorado
I remember when the love that dare not speak it's name was that of my gay desires. Now growing up, it has become something different. Something that is linked to secrecy of another kind. To me now that phrase conjours of the love I cannot have. The man I love who is in love with another, or the man I love who is ashamed to be gay, or the man I love who does not know I exist (at least on a love level). It is a love I must put into my heart for another day, that may never come to be cliche. blah blah blah. I felt a little vomit in the back of my throat on that one. Seriously, it is as if I am behind a glass that I can see through and view. I feel powerless to say or do... all I can do is think, think through the situation into my mind of creating worlds of romance, with no hard evidence in the real world but a kinesthetic glance, but what of that?
There is validity in what I have coined a kinesthetic glance (okay I think I coined it, but I may have read it somewhere). This unspoken comunication between lovers who cannot speak about their love for whatever reason (yes, and being a scaredy cat is one, although I am not proud to admit that). It is this lack of verbal communication that each knows of the others interest but does not act on it. Thus the ebb and flow of time move on and we label that voyage of our life, "bad timing." Yet in all my short/small/limited years of life I have viewed thousands of audio/visual stimuli on how patterns in bad timing can mean that you are ment for each other.
So, what happens when your life is made up of bad timing scenarios that keep popping up and you keep creating new ones?
Yo no se...
Perhaps my sign can bring me into some insite. I as a sag am completely able to connect to any other sign in the zodiac. I can forge friendships, love affairs, sex, and enemies with the greatest of ease and better than anyone else in the zodiac. Now, couple that with my scorpian nature as I was born on in limbo as I affectionally refer to it now. You see a side that hurts not to get hurt and this I think is what causes my bad timing.
Tonight I heard a saying that I constantly hear...
A Scorpion and a Frog where wondering through the desert. The scorpion had broken his leg and knew he could not make it, and he asked the Frog to carry him. The frog asked why he should have any reason to trust the scorpion? He had in the past always hurt the people around him...the scorpian said to the frog that this time it was different and that he would not hurt him. So, the frog takes the scorpion onto his back and they start off across the desert. Half way the scorpion stings the frog, who says, you fool now you are going to kill us both, why would you do that. To which the scorpion replied, because it's in my nature, I couldn't help it...
Perhaps I allow in the beginnings of love the scared scorpion to cower and have stinger ready that I loose out on the great compatability of the sag? It is in my nature to hurt, but like a gemini (which is one sign I do not particularly dislike, but have had bad run ins with) I am in a constant struggle. This I know helps me as an artist, however, I need to harness that energy towards creativity and love. Positive paths to channel that energy rather than destruction and fear. But now I am something of a paradox in that I have issued a binary statement. I don't like a this or that, there are gray areas, but I will get to that in another blog...
I must wait to save my love and for us to save the world till another night...
fare the well,
Lestat
There is validity in what I have coined a kinesthetic glance (okay I think I coined it, but I may have read it somewhere). This unspoken comunication between lovers who cannot speak about their love for whatever reason (yes, and being a scaredy cat is one, although I am not proud to admit that). It is this lack of verbal communication that each knows of the others interest but does not act on it. Thus the ebb and flow of time move on and we label that voyage of our life, "bad timing." Yet in all my short/small/limited years of life I have viewed thousands of audio/visual stimuli on how patterns in bad timing can mean that you are ment for each other.
So, what happens when your life is made up of bad timing scenarios that keep popping up and you keep creating new ones?
Yo no se...
Perhaps my sign can bring me into some insite. I as a sag am completely able to connect to any other sign in the zodiac. I can forge friendships, love affairs, sex, and enemies with the greatest of ease and better than anyone else in the zodiac. Now, couple that with my scorpian nature as I was born on in limbo as I affectionally refer to it now. You see a side that hurts not to get hurt and this I think is what causes my bad timing.
Tonight I heard a saying that I constantly hear...
A Scorpion and a Frog where wondering through the desert. The scorpion had broken his leg and knew he could not make it, and he asked the Frog to carry him. The frog asked why he should have any reason to trust the scorpion? He had in the past always hurt the people around him...the scorpian said to the frog that this time it was different and that he would not hurt him. So, the frog takes the scorpion onto his back and they start off across the desert. Half way the scorpion stings the frog, who says, you fool now you are going to kill us both, why would you do that. To which the scorpion replied, because it's in my nature, I couldn't help it...
Perhaps I allow in the beginnings of love the scared scorpion to cower and have stinger ready that I loose out on the great compatability of the sag? It is in my nature to hurt, but like a gemini (which is one sign I do not particularly dislike, but have had bad run ins with) I am in a constant struggle. This I know helps me as an artist, however, I need to harness that energy towards creativity and love. Positive paths to channel that energy rather than destruction and fear. But now I am something of a paradox in that I have issued a binary statement. I don't like a this or that, there are gray areas, but I will get to that in another blog...
I must wait to save my love and for us to save the world till another night...
fare the well,
Lestat
19 July 2005
Sonnet of Sweet Weeping~Lorca
Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla
de tus ojos de estatua, y el acento
que de noche me pone en la mejilla
la solitaria rosa de tu aliento.
Tengo pena de ser en esta orilla
tronco sin ramas; y lo que más siento
es no tener la flor, pulpa o arcilla,
para el gusano de mi sufrimiento.
Si tú eres el tesoro oculto mío,
si eres mi cruz y mi dolor mojado,
si soy el perro de tu señorío,
no me dejes perder lo que he ganado
y decora las aguas de tu río
con hojas de mi otoño enajenado.
I am a sucker for eyes. It may not always be the first thing I notice, but it will always be my favorite part of whomever I fall for. Hearing the opening line of Lorca's poem I remember what it feels like to be in love.
Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla de tus ojos de estatua...
Wow, what a concept for lovers to think about. However, although these words are beautiful and unique I also understand that is poetic love. I have put too many men on a pedistool, but can I live this romantic life without putting them on one.
I vasilate over this way too much possibly because I tend to fall for these god like men who have a secret identity (and I am okay with that), but who seem to know me without me saying a word.
"El poeta dice la verdad"
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Quiero matar al único testigo
para el asesinato de mis flores
y convertir mi llanto y mis sudores
en eterno montón de duro trigo.
Que no se acabe nunca la madeja
del te quiero me quieres, siempre ardida
con decrépito sol y luna vieja;
que lo que no me des y no te pida
será para la muerte, que no deja
ni sombra por la carne estremecida.
Or perhaps my problem is that I want them to feel what I feel...
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Por favor, link in my Anne Rice fetish, I want them to say,
"You feel so much, so much you make me feel."
Is that too much to ask?
Probably...
OK, maybe, but that's what I want. I want someone who has that secret identity, that is someone to figure out. Who is calculated, funny, goofy at times, holds a secret no one knows. That I am with, but is not too committed or bound down, so that I know I won't put him on a pedistool, because if he has to be with me I want him to be there because he wants to be. Yeah when we fags are no longer 2nd citizens, who are degraded not because who we sleep with, but who WE LOVE, are allowed the same priviliges of the pious breeders and can marry. Then if we both want to we will. But we don't have to, because we are together, because we love each other. Because we want each other, because the passion takes us on a ride, and the euphoria stays to settle the debris, and when the debris is down peace and love unfold on the ground until our graves call us home to slumber in the ground. Someone who can disagree with me, but stay because the disagreement agrees with him.
I ask for a lot, but very little. Someone who can talk without words and who hears me when I communicate with him. Who will hold me when I kinesthetically communicate I need touch, and who will back away when my inner scorpian takes over my outer sag and stars to sting. Who will give "us" distance to grow, and who will love, even if it is in a none classical, romantic way.
I think I have been drinking tonight, not really, but I hit a vein.
Peace,
L
de tus ojos de estatua, y el acento
que de noche me pone en la mejilla
la solitaria rosa de tu aliento.
Tengo pena de ser en esta orilla
tronco sin ramas; y lo que más siento
es no tener la flor, pulpa o arcilla,
para el gusano de mi sufrimiento.
Si tú eres el tesoro oculto mío,
si eres mi cruz y mi dolor mojado,
si soy el perro de tu señorío,
no me dejes perder lo que he ganado
y decora las aguas de tu río
con hojas de mi otoño enajenado.
I am a sucker for eyes. It may not always be the first thing I notice, but it will always be my favorite part of whomever I fall for. Hearing the opening line of Lorca's poem I remember what it feels like to be in love.
Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla de tus ojos de estatua...
Wow, what a concept for lovers to think about. However, although these words are beautiful and unique I also understand that is poetic love. I have put too many men on a pedistool, but can I live this romantic life without putting them on one.
I vasilate over this way too much possibly because I tend to fall for these god like men who have a secret identity (and I am okay with that), but who seem to know me without me saying a word.
"El poeta dice la verdad"
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Quiero matar al único testigo
para el asesinato de mis flores
y convertir mi llanto y mis sudores
en eterno montón de duro trigo.
Que no se acabe nunca la madeja
del te quiero me quieres, siempre ardida
con decrépito sol y luna vieja;
que lo que no me des y no te pida
será para la muerte, que no deja
ni sombra por la carne estremecida.
Or perhaps my problem is that I want them to feel what I feel...
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Por favor, link in my Anne Rice fetish, I want them to say,
"You feel so much, so much you make me feel."
Is that too much to ask?
Probably...
OK, maybe, but that's what I want. I want someone who has that secret identity, that is someone to figure out. Who is calculated, funny, goofy at times, holds a secret no one knows. That I am with, but is not too committed or bound down, so that I know I won't put him on a pedistool, because if he has to be with me I want him to be there because he wants to be. Yeah when we fags are no longer 2nd citizens, who are degraded not because who we sleep with, but who WE LOVE, are allowed the same priviliges of the pious breeders and can marry. Then if we both want to we will. But we don't have to, because we are together, because we love each other. Because we want each other, because the passion takes us on a ride, and the euphoria stays to settle the debris, and when the debris is down peace and love unfold on the ground until our graves call us home to slumber in the ground. Someone who can disagree with me, but stay because the disagreement agrees with him.
I ask for a lot, but very little. Someone who can talk without words and who hears me when I communicate with him. Who will hold me when I kinesthetically communicate I need touch, and who will back away when my inner scorpian takes over my outer sag and stars to sting. Who will give "us" distance to grow, and who will love, even if it is in a none classical, romantic way.
I think I have been drinking tonight, not really, but I hit a vein.
Peace,
L
11 July 2005
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
In lew of not being able to post, here is something fun. I have been writing a lot, but I have a few excercises I want to do, as soon as I get time, between costumes for Superstar and finding a way to kiss the man I love in the rain...
| In a Past Life... |
Where You Lived: Ukraine. How You Died: Consumption. |
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