I remember when the love that dare not speak it's name was that of my gay desires. Now growing up, it has become something different. Something that is linked to secrecy of another kind. To me now that phrase conjours of the love I cannot have. The man I love who is in love with another, or the man I love who is ashamed to be gay, or the man I love who does not know I exist (at least on a love level). It is a love I must put into my heart for another day, that may never come to be cliche. blah blah blah. I felt a little vomit in the back of my throat on that one. Seriously, it is as if I am behind a glass that I can see through and view. I feel powerless to say or do... all I can do is think, think through the situation into my mind of creating worlds of romance, with no hard evidence in the real world but a kinesthetic glance, but what of that?
There is validity in what I have coined a kinesthetic glance (okay I think I coined it, but I may have read it somewhere). This unspoken comunication between lovers who cannot speak about their love for whatever reason (yes, and being a scaredy cat is one, although I am not proud to admit that). It is this lack of verbal communication that each knows of the others interest but does not act on it. Thus the ebb and flow of time move on and we label that voyage of our life, "bad timing." Yet in all my short/small/limited years of life I have viewed thousands of audio/visual stimuli on how patterns in bad timing can mean that you are ment for each other.
So, what happens when your life is made up of bad timing scenarios that keep popping up and you keep creating new ones?
Yo no se...
Perhaps my sign can bring me into some insite. I as a sag am completely able to connect to any other sign in the zodiac. I can forge friendships, love affairs, sex, and enemies with the greatest of ease and better than anyone else in the zodiac. Now, couple that with my scorpian nature as I was born on in limbo as I affectionally refer to it now. You see a side that hurts not to get hurt and this I think is what causes my bad timing.
Tonight I heard a saying that I constantly hear...
A Scorpion and a Frog where wondering through the desert. The scorpion had broken his leg and knew he could not make it, and he asked the Frog to carry him. The frog asked why he should have any reason to trust the scorpion? He had in the past always hurt the people around him...the scorpian said to the frog that this time it was different and that he would not hurt him. So, the frog takes the scorpion onto his back and they start off across the desert. Half way the scorpion stings the frog, who says, you fool now you are going to kill us both, why would you do that. To which the scorpion replied, because it's in my nature, I couldn't help it...
Perhaps I allow in the beginnings of love the scared scorpion to cower and have stinger ready that I loose out on the great compatability of the sag? It is in my nature to hurt, but like a gemini (which is one sign I do not particularly dislike, but have had bad run ins with) I am in a constant struggle. This I know helps me as an artist, however, I need to harness that energy towards creativity and love. Positive paths to channel that energy rather than destruction and fear. But now I am something of a paradox in that I have issued a binary statement. I don't like a this or that, there are gray areas, but I will get to that in another blog...
I must wait to save my love and for us to save the world till another night...
fare the well,
Lestat
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