Much ado about nothing...

To my dear Anita, I don't think it's f*cking men that are the problem, I think them being just men and not f*cking are the problem (or what you will). So, these weeks are flying by more and more quickly, and for some reason I am insanely happy with that. I have no time to accomplish everything, however, I am so glad to have everything fly by. What's up with that, I do not know. So, I am having a great time on my choreography for the dance department that I am in. It is so crazy and out there and well, me. Sometimes I think I get way too distracted by the same sex. Men are too easy to look at.

Back for a second death...

I wish I could say that my life has been as quite as my blog. Endless rehearsals and class fill my day as I try to piece together a sane life. Although, I am beginning to think sanity is overrated. Gay pride was last weekend, and Riff cheered for the Gay Cheerleaders, and seemed to be very happy to see me and of course told me to call. So, stupidly I did. Knowing full well, he will call when he wants to. Dirty sh*t. Oh maybe you don't know. We had a little fun a few weeks ago, with someone else. Now, I don't expect him to be my boyfriend, no it was just innocent fun. BUT, I do expect a phone call and a hangout after doing that.

Less about Riff, more about my piece. I am choreographing a piece called Finding Exodus. It's about the leaving of one person from another. Wow, maybe I should apply this to the first paragraph, la la la.

I don't think I know how to write in one of these anymore. Every time I come to the computer I space out and don't know what to talk about. Well, maybe next time will be more rewarding.

Lestat
PS I am a little freaking out b/c of Grad school.

Another day, another whatever...

Sorry that my life has not been so exciting except for the fun of school I am working constantly and well the love life is non existent right now. So what to talk about? Well, I am reading constantly now. My reading consists of mainly dance books that tell me how to think, and then my professors tell me I need to form my own mind (but then tell me what to think). I am sick to death of being told, just let me read my books and go through my own thought processes. Maybe, when my head stops spinning I will "accertain the situation and move into a more stable awareness of what I want." hmmm, what I want... This is something I need to think more of. I recently did an audition for a show going on in the next town. I had a great first reading, but a difficult and not so good second reading. He has since cast everyone, but the character I was auditioning for. I do know why which is a good thing. It's because he is auditioning more men. I was the only man at auditions. It is a very female heavy show and it looks for a specific type of guy to play the part. Specific in acting as well as looks. I fit the look and my acting can handle it, however, politics and a bad callback may have put me out of the running. I dance all day, read all night, and just was in a fight with my friends that I feel terrible about. I can't believe I snapped at them. Granted he is a scapegoat for many of my outbursts of anger, but rarely do I snap at him. So, tonight I went to the library to study, and I did achieve this studding. However, I didn't finish. And now I am talking to this wonderful online journal (I hear the words of my favorite professor in the back of my head, "sarcasm is the lowest for of humor"). My head is spinning and I don't know if I made the right choice, but who can I talk to about this other than myself? Others can't answer this question for me. Only I can, but then why isn't the answer easier for me? Only time can tell right now. I feel another emotional breakdown coming on. But hopefully I can reschedule it for another time... ha if only Life worked that way.

Lestat

At the ballet...

After dancing for four years I decided to become a part of a school of dance. Now having a modern background I thought I would be fine as the school is a modern dance department. I didn't even think of how hard it would be to dive back into ballet. Never having taken it seriously, I didn't expect it to come at me this hard. Time for a mental breakdown, cue the music. Yes, today at the ballet class I had a break down. Not unusual for the neurotic person that I am. I know how to do the movements, however, they were being yelled out and at a rapid pace. I went up to my instructor, someone who looks like the typical prima ballerina, from Russia with love (okay so I am being mean because I hate ballet). But she does look like that, however, she is very kind and compassionate and told me that she thought I was doing fine in her class and that she thought I would survive. I should be listening to her rather than myself who cannot comprehend what my body is going through. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen grad dance school. What was I thinking? But maybe I will be okay and I will be made stronger. Or I will fall and learn something from that.

I want my head to stop spinning though. I need to become more organized but I don't know if I can do that. We will see...

Lestat

Then came the next night...

I have often wondered why gay men and straight women become friends. Yes, they may or may not have a lot in common, and the spa stuff, and even the guy watching. It interests me though how they become friends so easily, because when they go to each others clubs they don't have as much fun. I recently when to a club with my straight friends, it was okay, but it was obviously a straight club. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I did have fun, however, that night what I obviously needed was a man, or two or six. But of course there was no way of getting one as they were all straight, or if they were there and gay they were not my type. Now, it's not as if I don't like straight people, believe me I have helped their sexual preference out enough, but I think what bothers me about going to the straight club with my straight friends is my own insecurity. Now if they go to a gay club, women can dance with each other (obviously) or they can dance with a man, they can mug down, whatever. Gay men at a straight club, not so much. If I do happen to find a gay guy I like at a straight club, it is likely that they will be very uncomfortable dancing with me or vis versa (probably not for me because I am past what others think I am in theatre/dance of course I don't care what people think) but in certain situations maybe. So, it is very hard for me at certain straight clubs to have a good time. Also, it had to do with other emotions I was feeling. I was quite dicked over that night and wanted to drown my sorrows and maybe find them in another mans mouth. Don't judge me you've done it too. So, I don't know where I am going with this, I think I am avoiding talking about a subject, well I know I am avoiding talking about Riff. I have no reason to be upset. He's seeing someone else, not that he has or is seeing me so it should not be important, however, when you like someone and then become friends and you have great chemistry together, but they won't recognize that and then they go out and sleep or rather in this case so far meet and start talking to other people, well, it's interesting, to say the least. Although you are friends and you know that you two are only friends, but let's be honest since this is my journal, you deep down still want them to wake up and realize what great chemistry you two have. I think we may have lost that chemistry now. For now, at least. Maybe, the hanging out we did will allow us to still be friends.

So, I am choreographing two very interesting pieces. One of them deals with the above. Letting go of someone. Like when you leave someone or someone leaves you from this obviously small instance where I liked someone and they did not return the like or if we had a long meaningful relationship and then he left. It takes time to have someone exit your body. Granted, Riff, won't take as long as Ben did, but then me and him were together for longer and had an amazing relationship. Riff will only take a few days. Yes, I hate that it is that long. Others took me only a few hours, minutes, seconds, actually in the middle of the act I wanted to be out of there bodies... la la la. Anyway, the point of this journal was to throw up what I was feeling on the screen and I have accomplished most of what I wanted to say, however, I don't think I want to go any further.

Also, to my friend at the straight club, if you read this email, I did have a good time, just not as good of a time as I have at queer clubs because of obvious reasons. So, just remember I love you and it was fun.

Anyway,

Lestat

OH what a night...

Welcome to my madness. After four nights of going out and parting. I had one more. BTW, just woke up, yes I do know what time it is. Riff actually called me last night. We went out drinking, dancing, singing and even had a bit of pool in. I love the fact that I can either win or throw a pool game. He he he ;) Needless to say I got very plastered last night, but was safe enough to drive home by the end of the night. This boy knows when to stop. I sang "Sweet Transvestite" from Rocky Horror, and I have the feeling that Riff and I might be going to see that tonight at the midnight showing, he finally gets to be a virgin again. If you don't know what I am talking about. Please rush to the nearest midnight showing, it's three hours away you say, who cares get your ass there. So much craziness last night. And yes now the it is time for the rest of the weight to come off. This week I will be hard core. Eating and exercising right. But even with the 5 extra pounds I put on this week, I still was asked to take my clothes off and had someone check to see if I was wearing undies, maybe I shouldn't have been... la la la.

Lestat

Dear Diary...

To my dear Rylee, I wish that Toledo had better happenings for you. I wish too for one more week. But alas, we must back to our respectable establishments. We will have drinks soon and possible a movie. It will all depend on when I can get to Toledo.

Madrid was interesting last night. I didn't have too much to drink last night. But apparently many people did. I walked into a party last night full of drunk people. Which isn't to say I haven't been in that situation before, but it was so different from the parties I was used to. My dearest S.Grey is leaving for NY and it was her going away party. I love Sarah, so of course I went. Okay, segue, I hadn't realized just how much weight I had lost until recently. At the party, maybe I was wrong, but all the gay boys there hit on me. I might be conceited, but I might be right. I think I am. Part of it makes me happy I have so much new attention, but how much is too much? Unwanted affection from guys that are into one thing or who are not your type is always horrible, but what if it is from the people you wanted it from. Those you thought it would be good to spend one night with. Yes, I used to be a slut. But do I retrograde back into one now that I am a few pants sizes smaller? I have for some, but it is so shallow. Not that I am not shallow, we all are in some respect, but how shallow have I become with the exercise regiments and watching what I eat? I tried it out this week, on how much food and exercise intake affected my shallowness. I have been eating anything I want. Which has been great. I gained 3-5 pounds and yes my ideals have been going down. So, this next week as I work out like a freak, I will see how they go up. I think it might be more interesting than one can think.

Lestat

A walk with Babs...

Yes tonight my dear Anita. Hope all is well out there in cyberland. Today has been such a weird day to begin with. I almost couldn't get out of bed. I have been crazy at work and I am missing my Orientation into grad school. All that aside I am doing well. I don't understand while my depression is setting in. I am genuinely fine, which might be the problem. Have I entered into the world of everything is fine that's why I am depressed? I don't like turmoil and drama (note: I majored in drama, it's not my life). If everything is fine, I should be. Maybe I should just take my pill and everything will be alright. Oh well, I can't wait to go out tonight and see a wonderful woman go off and embrace her life, grab it by the balls Graziella. And to go out with Consuela and Anita. Welcome back to Madrid my lovelies. I can't wait to party.

When life gives you lemons you make lemonade right? Wrong, you suck the sour out of them. Okay, so not the greatest mantra, but as you read in my last blog, yes keep up today will probably be lots of small blogs instead of one long one, I am impatient. I go from guy to guy, yes I haven't been honest, Riff is not the only guy I am interested in right now. On the contrary he is one of many. He just happens to be the one I like a lot. The others are just fun to play with. Yes I am a bastard, but it is not as if the rest of the boys aren't playing. I had a very revealing dream the other night. It involved a forest, stream, a race, snakes, ancestors, and other things. It was telling me, per a dream book. That I am transcending into a new area either emotionally or spiritually. I think both might be going on. Part of me is tired of this endless stream of sexual conquests, and the other is very happy with the sex. What is wrong here, I am a man, my life is made up of sexual practices. I don't feel like I am cheating on Riff, because there is nothing there to cheat on. I don't feel sorry about letting other guys on, because they should know it is a one night thing. So, I tip my glass to another day. Anita will be coming to Madrid soon, and I am very thankful for that. It will give us a time to rejuvenate until the next winter comes. Okay, so I like to write pretty things. Blah blah blah. But what of this new emotional/spiritual journey I am going on? I get glimpses of what is to come, but until then I don't know. I do feel a change, but what's new I just graduated from undergrad and am going into a completely different grad program. Of course there will be change. Oh well, I don't know. I think I am a little freaked that my mother asked about Riff. Oh well, take care kiddies I will see you after darkness sets in.

Lestat

Can I get a what, what?

So, waiting has to be the most boring thing in the world. I know I am a New Yorker at heart, I don't do the patience thing. So my mother ask about a certain Riff in an email today. I think she is getting a little too overzealous about our relationship, the fact that we are friends and nothing else. Speaking of which, he hasn't written me back in a day. hmmmmm. Anyway, patience may just be in abundance this season even if I have none right now.

Tia and birth

So today my boss and wonderful friend Ben took Amanda and me to Tia's. It was very wonderful. It was a great meal with good conversation. I miss that. I miss going out and talking. I think that is why I am so chatty today. I received an email from Riff and when into a long paragraph about different things. Yes, I am still talking to him, but I am no longer expecting anything out of it but friendship and fun. I spent the weekend drinking and having a good time. However, I did manage to rearrange my room and get in about 5 movies this weekend. It also occurred to me how much I live in a fantasy world, which nothing is wrong with that as long as you still remember and come back to the real world. I love to day dream, it's one of my secret pleasures. I spend hours on an idea, I should really start writing them down and trying to use them in scripts. I don't know, somedays I long to be a writer. It would have to be for theatre, film or TV though. I couldn't write a book, I have tried. It gets too tedious. Scripts are more fun. I have worked diligently on one for 4 years now and it still isn't finished. Sometimes I think it is my masterpiece and other times I feel like it will be my downfall. I am trying to finish it before I start on anything else, however, I need to start on the others before they pass out of being. I like others consider the art of creating art, creation itself. It is like having a child only the birthpains are in your head (or worse manifest themselves into physical pain). I love it, but I don't want it to trap me in a room for the rest of my life. Playwrighting is such a solo life. You and a computer or pen and paper. Letting the juices of creation flow onto either is extremely intoxicating and completely scary. It makes me happy and crazy all at once. On another note, one of my friends, Consuela, has a son who told me he loved me and fell asleep in my arms. It makes me want a kid so bad. one day, but not anytime soon. I would love to be a father, however, I need some time before I do this. I had a crazy dream last night, I will blog about that later. I don't feel like talking about it right now. I can't wait for Anita to come in town. I miss her so. I hope all is going well for her, and I hope her Mr. Big is treating her right. Alas, no Mr. Big for me right now, but hey that can be fun living the single life.

Till more comes,

Lestat

Normandy

Okay so I don't know what the title has to do with anything. I am just hanging out this weekend. Unfortunately not with Riff, but hey, he is at his HS reunion this weekend which is where he is suppose to be. I had 2 nights of birthday fun, no ladies and gents not my birthday that of a friend of ours. Diesels birthday was this week and he threw one night of cookout fun and another of lets go out on the town fun. Both were interesting, but each had it's own problems. I don't know what...strike that I know what Diesel was thinking when he invited all the boys he did, only one word was on his mind... Orgy. Well, it didn't happen, suprised? Not really, although all of us did have our fun one way or another. That's all for now.

Lestat

The road to nowhere...

When did deal breakers become such a big deal? I remember when deal breakers were just the way a guy looked or if he smoked or he lived to far away. When did deal breakers become major ordeals? Since we all have become older I guess. It just sucks to have one man who is good everywhere but in the bedroom, and another who is great but has a chip he can't get rid of. Yes, I have a burger (SITC) and a big (SITC) right now. One who we make a perfect couple, but the fire in the bedroom is just not there. We are so good everywhere else. And another who is perfect for me, just not perfect right now. What will happen I do not know, will I end up with big once his scetchiness fizzles out, or will I settle for bad bedside mannors? Neither, I want to find my Ben (QAF).

I have 2 ideas for shows, but I feel like I am cheating on the one that has taken me thus far four years to get out. Maybe I should just start writing. I think one will be called Showmance or something like that. Maybe that will pass the days better.

This is all for now,

Lestat

The woman from the street...

Again, I saw the woman on the street. This time although she still looked lonely. I had a better outlook on her. She was proud and fun and full of another time. That was how she was, or maybe how I was.

L

Fall is on its way...

As I was walking yesterday and today, I remembered why I moved to Madrid. What wonderful weather we are having. It was warm and had an amazing breeze. I could walk for hours. I like Carrie Bradshaw have a love affair with this city, only I'm a bit more finicky about my love for it. Today on my morning walk I noticed a woman, older, making her way to the store I always walk to. On her way back I noticed her on the journey back to wherever she came from. She had a sack of groceries that she had purchased and she was smoking a fag. She looked amazingly lonely. But that was me merely projecting onto her my state. She was probably very happy and enjoyed her walk and her smoke. Then, I began to think of people who saw me walking in the mornings. Did they too see my loneliness, or worse did they do what I do and project there emotion onto me? How was I so ignorant to project my psyche onto to someone else. Perhaps she was lonely and I was right, my intuition says I am. I could hear that voice in my head that tells me about people when I meet or see them. In any case that was wrong of me. Although, friends and I do often play the game of guess the person where we sit in an area and guess what people are and do. That is just a game, but have I turned my game into life, guessing what and who people are? Possibly.

My mother is so excited I am traveling back to Florence to see her and my father. I am excited about this, however, like my last blog it will be a trying time. I do love my parents, but like every child you begin to need to make your own life and stop listening to everything they say. True some of their wisdom you must STILL listen to, but some you have to throw away. Sometimes you need to make your own mess ups and learn from them.

As for love, yes I am cursed with it, but it is a curse I have put onto myself. All the vampires in the world right now are too young emotionally for me. Maybe someday I will find one as old as I am. Until then, I will live this cursed life.

Anita it's time for a drink, we will have it soon I am sure. Consuela, I miss you and can't wait to start walking with you. Gratz hope I can see you before you leave for the big apple. Have fun in the city.

Lestat

Mommie Dearest...

What is it with Mother nows best, I thought it was Father new best? How is it that our mothers can be the embodiment of all that is good and all that is unholy? My mother, is a wonderful person, full of life and love and everything a child can ask for. However, she can also be the spawn of satan when she wants to. She wants to make sure that I am not going to f*ck up my life, but this means that I do not get to live it. She wants to do everything for me and when I don't do it her way she does it for me. Take my apartment situation. I had found a wonderful apartment that I wanted to live in. She proceeds to look up other apartments around town. She comes with a list of apartments for us to look at. After I have already checked most of them out. I had to pull teeth to get into the apartment that I wanted, however now I feel guilty, because I didn't take my mother's advice. Another good point is today. I have to get new furniture. I want a NICE futon to fit in my very SMALL apartment. One that I can sleep on. I would like something a bit nicer, but that is more expensive. Mother has found other possiblilities for me some of which are cheap, but not as nice. It is the triangle effect. Nice and Comfortable, Nice and Cheap, or Comfortable and cheap. What do I want? I guess I will find out tonight. Whatever it is it will not be what mother picked out, but hey, what is? I love my mother and she does so many wonderful things for me, but really, let me live my life and make my mistakes. Whatever they may be.

L

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes...

What is this obsession with love and wanting to be with someone. Everyone wants it. Maybe, we should all step back and realize how good it is to sit back and be alone. Is this such a bad idea? Maybe, if we are happy with ourselves we would be happy with the life we have and that would be enough. But, we have all these shows about love and heartache and finding the one, but no you can't look for the one because if you do that you will never find it. Then you spiral into the whole I'm just going to be Brian Kenny and f*ck around feeding my endless hunger until the end, whatever that may be. The old Lestat has been through both of these situations. I have been the man in love, and my heart was broken four years ago so I became Brian Kenny, the heartless a**hole. I slept around not finding anything I liked, because I didn't want it. I was a vampire anew, needing nothing, but always hungry. I still have a little of that old Lestat in me and as I get older I start to look for companions. Wolf packs of gay men to hang out with, because that is easy, it's simple. I don't have to f*ck anyone in my wolf pack, because that is a taboo. But eventually with the onset of pansexualism, we have all basically f*cked each other. What a strange world we live in. Here recently I have allowed people to come into my life. An actor, a choreographer and here recently a lawyer. Thinking each may hold the key to the next phase in my life. I wasn't expecting this when I met them, but the outside forces brought us together. By outside forces I mean friends, enemies (yes I have plenty of these), or situations, and I think for a brief second I could be happy with these people. I could find something within them to make the days as a vampire (i.e. if you haven't read previous post vamp means gay man) something more than work, parties, sex. As the eternal Armond, I want to be quickened once more, however, as much as it may appeal to these vampires (the actor, the choreographer, and the lawyer) they all must regretfully decline. Well, today after a night of trying to get my modem working (yes, I was up until four o'clock for those keeping score) I decided to put the lid back on my coffin. Maybe it is time for me to regretfully decline. Love has always been a curse to me. It is a dark gift. One of which has become a gift I don't think I want. I see all of my happy friends, Action and Consuela, Snowboy and Nathan, Anita and Mr. Big. They are happy together and are ready for this gift of light, not darkness. But me, it is only darkness and I don't think I want to accept this gift. I attended a woman's university for a reason. To stop with the love affairs, well, in the last two years I have had three close calls, but nothing turning up aces. So I am going to throw my deck of cards away, and hope one day I will pick up another deck that is not full of deuces that are wild.

Lestat

Sex, lies and videotape...

What is it about sex that screws up our lives? Why is it always on our brains? I am not just talking about men, which yes we do think about it 98% of the time, but women too. Sex is good, sex is great, but really what is up with sex? I found out recently that someone wouldn't accept my offer of a date because they thought I was not sexual, and they thought that I wouldn't like them because of how much sex they had before we met. Okay, first off who is going to throw away a great night of sex with someone who has expirience? Really? Anyway, onto other news.

Congrats to Consuela for getting back a negative on her test results!!! That is great. Yes, sunscreen for me as well from now on. I hope Portland can handle us. I am getting excited.

Anita, hope you get your kicks this weekend, have fun for me while I am in the badlands.

Lets all try to get together soon.

Lestat

The Vampire

Why have I gone this long without explaining my name or talking of vampires? How distracted I have been. The Vampire Lestat, my old pseudonym. Now, I am more like Armand, but back in the day, I know it wasn't that long ago. I was known as a Lestat. I had every aspect of his character in my being. I was the hunter, who found companions who left them. I was the damned soul that would live forever and who regrets nothing (hope you see the parallel with Armand in the last phrase). Armand was the natural choice to evolve. As most intelligent scholars of the chronicles know, the vampires are a metaphor for gay men, as a metaphor for life. It is like watching episodes of Sex in the City, Friends, and Queer as Folk where you have the archetypical characters that everyone can relate to. Here recently I have found a Louis character that has peaked my interest. You know him as Riff. But here recently I have felt like the reverse of what happened in Interview with a Vampire, where Louis is the one that says "you want me to quicken you once more, and as much as that thought appeals to me I must regretfully decline." This is much more of what I would like to say to him. But as I have not made it through The Vampire Armand so I don't know his side yet. I do know that he stayed with Lestat through the years and was there when Louis came back to New Orleans. Armand, always going back to the old days. Old friendships and love that is forgotten. I have a bit of Lestat left in me. These two characters Armand and Lestat both loved Louis. But that is the difference. I can't love Riff. He won't let me. I don't know him. I fear I never will. I can never say that I loved him, because I have never truly known him. Only surface level scans and readings. So, now it is time to go find a new Louis, unless this one can find his way home like in the end of The Vampire Lestat.


Lestat

The Bourne Supremacy

So, what am I thinking. I emailed Riff and told him I would like to go see this movie that both of use want to see. But now, I don't know. I want to go see the movie and I want to see him, but I know what kind of night it will turn into. I have to make some ground rules. One, no talking about Tyler, the guys phone number that I received and Riff did not. This is probably the most important one seeing as how it is the one that makes him jealous the most. Two, no talking about any other men I may or may not being going out with soon. This will also be harder than it looks as I am very open about who I am interested in (as long as it isn't with them). Three, no show talk, I don't want to be all reminiscent with him about good ol' West Side. la la la. Now, if only I can stick to these three rules, I will be okay. Lets hope he does.

Lestat