So,

So, I did that thing you do when people are being a bastard, yeah I took the number out of the phone.  Maybe now he will call me, but hey, I won't know.  unless he leaves me a message, which, last time he didn't.  Oh my, I am a loser for holding on to long.  My boss just told me he owes me a date, Anita writes, Good for you for taking Riff off your phone. Jackass needs to get his shit together and take you out for dinner.  Yeah, I know.  Thanks babe.  I am just waiting to hear Consuela's wonderful voice saying, "Lestat, dump the bitch you're too good for him"  and my day would be complete.  Love you Consuela, you always make my day.  Note to Anita, someone was stuck in Irving with his significant other.  I think it's time to bring the gay Mafia in and off him, he he he :P  That's all for now, back to work....

Lestat

De-Lovely

Last night I went to see a showing of the new movie about Cole Porter, De-Lovely.  It was amazing.  I think it is a must see.  I laughed, cried and was entertained the whole way through.  Of course the boy didn't call last night, hasn't email-ed, you get the drift.  But, OH, what a great movie.  The music, the dancing, the story...A complete package.  I saw that movie and I thought of all the faerie support I have had (faerie support-previously under fag hags, now has changed to more PC).  Linda, Cole Porter's wife, was just this.  Their love affair was that of a gay man and a fag hag.  My eyes swelled with tears through out the movie.  I will not spoil it here, but soon I will.  So go out and see it. 

Today is the first of the last three shows we will do in the run of my show.  I have been becoming very sentimental and sad.  I know there are certain people I will not loose, and will be with for a while, but there are others I know I may never see again.  What an emotional baggage case I am.  To the two people in the cast who have my blog.  I think about you so often.  You are always in my thoughts.  I know that we will stay friends for a long time after this.  To my dear Anita,  I will always remember the strength you have during the rape scene.  How I am standing behind you and I see your hair and profile and even your mic, I will never get that horribly, beautiful picture out of my head.  You are so strong and completely beautiful during the time prior to the rape and after it you still have that strength and beauty.  What a wonderful mark of a great actress.  To my wonderful Consuela, I will never forget the first time I saw you in America I thought what a dancer.  The levels that you show when you are dancing of excitement and love and fun.  You are so beautiful and it is magnified in your dance.  Okay so I love the word beautiful, sue me.  I think you to are.  I love you both and miss you every day. 

See you beautifuls tonight,

Lestat
when love comes...

This is why I hate people...

A great line from a show called The Opposite of Sex.  That is what I was going to write about, but Babs commented on the last post, so now my spirits are higher.  (Wish I had spirits to make it even higher, but oh well) .  The boy, still has not called me.  Now, I have to call him yet again, because Ms. Grotziella would like me to.  I'm not mad at her, she is giving me a reason to call, I am just so mad at stupid boys.  Okay time to laugh at my neurotic self.  HHHHHAAAA.  Really, it was more of a guffaw.  la la la.  Whatever.  Times they are a changing, sing it Bob. 

Lestat

Note:  I will probably regret this post as soon as I talk with Riff, but hey, he deserves it. 

Laughing and Forgetting...

I wish sometimes I could laugh more.  Like I wish it was possible to laugh forever.  I think I would live long(if I could eat) .  But more importantly I wish I could forget more.  Maybe, this is a bad request seeing as how my grandfather died of altymers and they think it is hereditary.  Wow, was that two years ago now?  I don't remember and sometimes that is a good thing.  Forgetting, what a wonderful concept.  However, I know I can not always laugh and that sometimes I have to remember.  Okay, enough of this, I have a ton of work to do.

L

And one time at cheer camp...

So, you look hung over, long night? 

No, I was up at 6 this morning.

Why would you do that?

I had to go to cheer camp.

Does this have anything to do with Riff?

Yes.

This was how the conversation went yesterday at work.  Yes, the elusive man had asked me to come watch his cheer squad at cheer camp.  What was I thinking?  It was however a lot of fun and just proves more that he does actually like me, or (little voice in the back of my head says) just needs attention.  So, I am at SMU watching a bunch of cheerleaders going insane trying to learn all of these moves, his girls and guys not doing so well, and me just hanging around.  I am not a morning person, but thought, he wants me to be there so I will be there as bright and shining as I can be.  Well, turns out he was real drunk the night before and he is also not a morning  person.  I walk into a huge coliseum and see millions of cheerleaders doing warmup aerobics.  Must say, I was a little turned on, he he (I know it's sad).  I spotted him pretty quickly, because even in a room full of cheerleaders he is always the tallest one.  He is trying to do the warm up, and I have to laugh at his dorkiness.  Granted I love dorks, so there you go.  I go over near him and I notice he is wearing his glasses.  Mmmmm cute.   And he brings me out onto the floor and starts to introduce me around.  I start to get the feeling like I am the coach's girlfriend.  His squad even asks.  I run into my old alma mater's squad and talk with the instructor.  I don't ever become completely comfortable (hey it was morning, I still was not up, and I was at cheer camp with the boy I like), but I get to have some good  conversations with him.  He wanted to know if I was going to be auditioning for the next show, and he really wanted me to call him to tell him how work went and what I thought.  It was a pretty fun day, although very weird for me.  I met a girl cheering at my old school's squad that was in junior high when I was at that college.  I met old friends coming out the woodwork.  Then on the drive home something hit me.  I had realized that I knew my way home, but I had made some minor mistakes and had to use some service roads.  Nothing new in Dallas, even if you live there it happens at times.  I had the distinct thought that maybe Riff and I where like that.  We are on the right track, we just keep getting off at the wrong stops.  Maybe one day we will find the right one. 

That's all I can write for now,

Lestat

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what to do.  In life, there are so many things that are possibilities.  What to do when we grow up, who to date/marry/sleep with, what to eat, to exercise, ect... And I wonder what will these decisions give us.  Will there ever be inner peace?  I think yes, because I have hope and if there isn't a chance for perfection and peace, I would rather die trying.  I want the possibility of peace, even if one does not give it to me.  Is this an arrogance thing?  Maybe, but I am a fighter, always have been, which I guess says something about my love life.  la la la.  I hope tonight to be joined by a beautiful and wonderful man to see the Bourne Supremacy.  Will this be a good thing?  Maybe, or maybe he will chicken out one more time.  I am about to sign the lease on my apartment.  Maybe that's a good thing, I hope.  I am about to embark on a new journey through grad dance, what am I thinking?  Maybe it will be fun.  I just ran into someone who I told, He who is content with little possesses much, and I do believe this.  Right now I am content where I am.  I am happy.  I could be happier, but why make myself miserable over that?  I am going to stay happy, come hell or high water!  And that's my new philosophy, he he.

Besos,

Lestat

So I was masturbating...

Yes, sorry to be so graphic, but I was.  When a knock came on my door.  You see, last night, I feel horrible about this, my ex-whatever wanted to see me.  Well, I was afraid that he would try to have sex with me one last time.  Yes, I am that arrogant, but he's tried to have sex with me before, so not completely.  I open the door and we have this long wonderful conversation.  Why was I so worried?  I just never want to leave anything badly.  He came in and I knew he was wanting sex, not necessarily from me, but sex (we all have that look in our eyes from time to time).  We sat down and he gave me 3 special gifts.  Each mean something to me, well at least 2 did.  One, a pair of shoes (didn't really mean anything to me).  Two, a movie with Elijah Wood in it.  I love Elijah Wood, always have, so that was real special and sweet.  Then lastly, he brought me a decoration of a lighthouse.  He loves lighthouses.  They are his favorite thing.  He didn't want me to forget him.  My heart melted.  I remembered why we had been together for so long.  We sat and talked about so much.  He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I did use the guy in the previous draft to make sure he knew I was talking with someone so that he wouldn't try sex.  But, I think this guy might  actually be coming around.  We talked about where he was going and my show and when he was going to see it.  He wants to meet one of the castmates that I am friends with for a fling.  la la la.  I think it is great.  I wished we could have had more of these conversations.  He will be a gay friend I will miss terribly.  It is so hard to talk to gay guys as just friends and we now have finally been there and have mastered it.  Wow, we grew up.

To let you know of how things are with the castmate previously mention he is turning around.  He asked me to go to his alumni homecoming and watch him cheer.  How crazy is that?  He also told me yesterday that he wants to hang out this week.  Maybe, as my good friend told me, he is just so scared this may work out.  That he will have to bring me home to mom and dad and tell them this is my boyfriend.  Maybe, something is going to come from the sleepless nights and sordid glances. 

It is a good time to go to Sweden soon.  Hopefully, we will get together on Wednesday or possibly Thursday.  We definitely need time, the most precious commodity.  Time to be together commune, fellowship.  There may not be a ring, but we have been on quite a journey together.  Although that journey is coming to an end, we (I hope, I hope, I HOPE) will not.  I have loved more in this show than I have in a long time.  I have friends who want to be with me and who love me and support me.  I have friends who are along with that amazing and talented and fun and beautiful.  They have helped me along, and have been true soulmates. 

I am going to sign the lease on my apartment today.  I have been worried about that.  I have been apartment sitting for the summer and I know that the guy is not coming back.  I have wanted this apartment for a year.  I am so glad I have it now.  It does make me sad I am signing a years lease.  I hope that Anita and I will be able to live together someday.  I love her so much and would love to have her around.  But, I do know that there will be an apartment open by me in six months.  So, maybe.   If not she will be in here in Madrid.  She is so wonderful.  My other two friends Consuela and Action are thinking of moving to Chicago.  I would be so happy for them.  But, I am selfish and hope they stay in Sweden for a while (its so close).  Just so I can be with them a bit longer.   Hopefully, Riff would like to leave Bellesville and come to Madrid or maybe one day come to Barcelona with me.  The others, I love so much I hope to see them often.  Snowboy lives in Madrid with me and that is a great thing.  Hopefully, one day we can all meet again, Somewhere.  he he.  I am getting so emotional. 

My life as a series of moments, I will soon be to the next.  Change.  The moment of Peace,

Lestat

 

Later, the next day

So, what I am today?  crazy, sad, happy?  Sometimes I don't know and that's okay.  I am having a great time with the show I am involved in, however, it is about to be over.  What's next, a break and then school I am afraid.  I have to start grad school in the fall.  I wonder what certain people in the show will do after we finish?  Will I see them again?  I know I will see those I became close to, but what of the others?   What of the one crush in the show?  I know, bad bad bad actor Lestat!!!  We are becoming closer, I think.  Well, at least we talk more now.  Not that any of the crush has made it on stage.  No DRAMA ON STAGE BUT THE DRAMA ON STAGE!!!  Yes, big believer of keeping personal drama off stage, and we have.  Last night he did something crazy, he asked me to come to his old college for homecoming.  What am I suppose to think about that.  Did he open up and let me know he cares, like I know he does?   Or, is he just being a prick and leading me on?  Sometimes, I loose the fact that he still likes me and focus on the latter.  That's bad, la la la.  I just hope soon he realizes that we should try to work this out.  I am not saying that it will be a life-long love affair, but that's what we need to see.  We need to learn to risk more.  Jump out on the edge and sometimes we need to fall and feel heartbroken.  It reminds me of a great line of Gibran's --
                
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
 
I want to laugh it all and cry more.  I want not possessiveness (is this a word? Probably not)  but freedom from the fear of not knowing.  I want to talk, to agree, to disagree, to smile, to cry, to be scared.  I want to feel it all. 

I know I am selfish.

But that is what I want.  So, today I am going to see the Borne Identity with him.  He doesn't know this yet, but I am thinking positively.  he he.  Okay, so, maybe he won't be able to go, but I am still going to ask.  Why do I keep feeling like I am in third grade?  Oh yeah, because we are acting that way.   But this brings me to a huge point.  Gay men grow up differently I think.  We have to lives to grow up in.  One, we have our daily lives, our friendships and finding ourselves lives, which has nothing to do with the fact that we are gay.  The other is our gay life.  Since our world has been so against us for so long we have hidden it.  Made it a bad thing, made it something secret.  So, part of our life is undeveloped, still a boy.  This is how it was for so long.  Now, we are coming out earlier and with a better acceptance, but still it takes us a while to grow up in the gay part of our life.  So, as little boys we play these games and hurt each other and that is why we are stereotyped as bitter, unhappy boys.  We have not learned to grow up and become men.  Real Gay Men!  Hopefully one day it will change.

Until then,

Lestat 

Sometimes, he he I feel like a man

Okay, so I am not the most outwardly manly man.  I am very fem and that's okay.  I do, however, have outbursts of testosterone from time to time.  Point in case, today.  My friends battery went dead last night.  Not so tragic, I know, but a flamer and a girly girl, you do the math.  So, we when to Wal Mart this morning at 5:00 (this is not an ad, although, it does sound like one), and decided we would change it ourselves.  Let me tell you, the finding of the battery was not so easy.  Well, it is easy, but we had problems.  I'll explain them in another life when we are both cats, la la la.  Then, after all was said and done, who changed the battery?  WE DID!! Yes, it was a very big accomplishment for us.  Life is looking better now, in these days of endless mediocrity that have suddenly turned into  a joyous celebration of friends.  NO!! I haven't been laid, just re-evaluating things.  I have always known that I would not find someone in Texas, so why do I meet anyone?  I also know that I will not be married until after 30 (and even then it may not be legal still).  So what is the big rush in finding someone?  It's mainly because I want to cuddle, fight, make up, laugh, cry, and do all that other romantic blah that everyone wants.  And that is okay to want, but lately I have found it in friends.  Yes, friends do share a bond where we laugh and cry and love (hopefully not sexually, because then you aren't friends, not judging, just saying friends who have sex don't stay friends for long they either end or start a relationship).   There is a strong love bond in friends.  It is a form of a relationship where a bond is made.  Now, you may only have a few of those.  Right now I am able to have a few at one time.  I love Billie and Rob and Brynne and Ben, those are my relationships right now.  Again friendships, but the love is strong and we are protecting each other, nurturing each other, providing for each other, and most importantly enjoying life, something I haven't done in a while.  I am so happy with this what do I need with men, other than sex and I can get that anytime, he he.  But really, I need to focus more on my needs and the needs of those around me right now.  Me first, them second and then worry after I am 40 I can start crying about not being with someone.  I have a life to lead and I need to live it.  So, today I am embarking on a journey.  I know it sounds medievil, la la la.  A journey to focus more on the day to day.  My old director used to say, "You are right here, right now.  This is a moment, this is another.   You are perfect, you are being used as a model. . . Focus on right now where you are."  I think that is the best advice I have recieved as an actor and in life.  This is right now, let me worry about that first, then I will see about tomorrow. 

Till then,

Lestat

What can I give you,
Poor as I am,
If I were a shephard,
I would give you a lamb.
If I was a baker,
I'd bake you a tart.
But what can I give you?
I give you my heart.
~I don't know the origins, but thank you Raymond for telling us that every show.

Friends and Lovers

Where to begin?  Lets say a courtship takes longer than intended.  Possibly much longer than intended.  Should we give up if it does not go our way?  But what if we are continually lead on, is that not their fault?  If we gave up and they still shower you with affection is this me that is to blame?  No, however there is something to say about fooled me once shame on you, fooled me twice shame on me.  saddened to last sentence : This an actor/dancer can remember and our president can't, Ha ha Ha ha Ha.  But what about the three strike clause, or maybe you should just let them go and see if they come after you (HA).  Or maybe you should just try to make friends.  That is the worst of them all, yet it is the only one that works.  It incorporates all the rules into one.  You can't let them fool you again, because you are only friends, the three strike clause goes into effect as friends and they start over.  And lastly, you basically are letting go.  That uncool yet necessary free fall that finds you and makes you sick.  Yes, I am in that free for all, but there is good news...It won't last forever. 

I hate how this sounds like a self-help article, however that is I think what I need, possibly.  I don't know anymore what I need, other than to work and perform.

Lestat

Today

What to talk about?  So much.  I am sure as I write, something will come to me.   I have a friend on this site who I love to read.  So now I am going to start writing mine.  To link to my friends site, http://lesstraveledby.blogspot.com, go check it out sometime.  Sex, what a many splendid thing, unless you aren't having it.  How unhappy it makes you when you you don't get it.  okay, so we all know that...I will stop with the pity party.  So, let's talk about what happens when you haven't had sex in a while. You become a bit like a movie I was watching last night, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.  Just going to tell you, read no more if you don't want spoilers, not that many will watch this French film.  You become a erotomaniac.  Which is to say that you become delusional and start to imagine that the men you love are in love with you and that you have a life together.  Okay!!!  So my disease is not as bad as in the movie.  No, I don't think the man I like is in love with me, BUT I keep having some kind of symptoms.  I get nervous when he's around, I get flirty, I plan the next move and soon I am thinking of where the date is going to be.  I know this is wrong, rule number one of being in a show, don't date or f*** any of your co-stars.  However, this is not in a professional environment like usual, so why not.  Is it my projection disease, that I just assume everyone will like me?  No, wait I don't have that self-confidence.   Everyone knows we like each other, but nothing is coming of anything.  Now, many of my friends don't think I am in the wrong, because he has giving me affection, flirtation, hell even full on "I like YOU" messages in return.  So what is his disease, lack of commitment with a spoonful of scared sh*tless.  Okay there I have said it.  And I feel better.  Maybe one day he will admit it and will be able to beg me for my forgiveness, because that is all he will get.  Well, I guess I did have something to say.

with love,

lestat

my father gathers wool,
my mother shuttles yarn,
but I am a weaver of dreams.
maggie miller