Later, the next day

So, what I am today?  crazy, sad, happy?  Sometimes I don't know and that's okay.  I am having a great time with the show I am involved in, however, it is about to be over.  What's next, a break and then school I am afraid.  I have to start grad school in the fall.  I wonder what certain people in the show will do after we finish?  Will I see them again?  I know I will see those I became close to, but what of the others?   What of the one crush in the show?  I know, bad bad bad actor Lestat!!!  We are becoming closer, I think.  Well, at least we talk more now.  Not that any of the crush has made it on stage.  No DRAMA ON STAGE BUT THE DRAMA ON STAGE!!!  Yes, big believer of keeping personal drama off stage, and we have.  Last night he did something crazy, he asked me to come to his old college for homecoming.  What am I suppose to think about that.  Did he open up and let me know he cares, like I know he does?   Or, is he just being a prick and leading me on?  Sometimes, I loose the fact that he still likes me and focus on the latter.  That's bad, la la la.  I just hope soon he realizes that we should try to work this out.  I am not saying that it will be a life-long love affair, but that's what we need to see.  We need to learn to risk more.  Jump out on the edge and sometimes we need to fall and feel heartbroken.  It reminds me of a great line of Gibran's --
                
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
 
I want to laugh it all and cry more.  I want not possessiveness (is this a word? Probably not)  but freedom from the fear of not knowing.  I want to talk, to agree, to disagree, to smile, to cry, to be scared.  I want to feel it all. 

I know I am selfish.

But that is what I want.  So, today I am going to see the Borne Identity with him.  He doesn't know this yet, but I am thinking positively.  he he.  Okay, so, maybe he won't be able to go, but I am still going to ask.  Why do I keep feeling like I am in third grade?  Oh yeah, because we are acting that way.   But this brings me to a huge point.  Gay men grow up differently I think.  We have to lives to grow up in.  One, we have our daily lives, our friendships and finding ourselves lives, which has nothing to do with the fact that we are gay.  The other is our gay life.  Since our world has been so against us for so long we have hidden it.  Made it a bad thing, made it something secret.  So, part of our life is undeveloped, still a boy.  This is how it was for so long.  Now, we are coming out earlier and with a better acceptance, but still it takes us a while to grow up in the gay part of our life.  So, as little boys we play these games and hurt each other and that is why we are stereotyped as bitter, unhappy boys.  We have not learned to grow up and become men.  Real Gay Men!  Hopefully one day it will change.

Until then,

Lestat