Michael: If you don't answer it he'll go away.
Brian: You said I was welcome anytime. (Queer as Folk Episode: 302)
It has been one of those times, when I have flown off to Neverland. I am Peter Pan by the way, the boy that never grew up.
After watching, no backspace, crying through Finding Neverland, I remember why Theatre is the only place for me. I will never grow up...
...J.M. Barrie: [watching George react to the knowledge that his mother is seriously ill] Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds... you became a grown-up...
But Peter does grow up, and I remember the moment I did. I was too young. We are always too young when we do...I remember long summers with my mother. My sister is dyslexic and had to go to Sylvan. It never hindered her in school and she grew up one of the most popular girls, no one ever knowing the first years of her life living with a "learning handicap." She was cured, because that is what happens to diseases, but I digress as that is another story. My mother would take me with her to the neighboring town as my sister went to the learning center. Our "biggest small town in the world" had no such center. We would go and look at sheet music in the piano stores, shop, go to the bookstores, and eat TCBY ice cream as my sister toiled away working on learning. It was later that my mother took me back to this town to do these things when my sister was all grown up, that I began to realize it was her way watching me grow up. With each new time I learned more.
Later when Christianity took over my life... (I am still a believer, my views have just shifted)...I became in my mother's words, "the spiritual leader" in our family. I was set off to do great things...
...later when I left "The Calling" I was to do great things in theatre, and now I have specialized fields she has labeled I will do great things in...
...I remember realizing that I was to take charge, which is why I do so now...I rush in, I make things right...I protect people and make sure they know...
...backspace once again, when my sister was in high school I had to help her with her homework every night...I remember never having to study, but studying what my sister needed, as I had to help her...
...My sister and I were never in high school together...I went in the year after she left...
...new page...
I shift endlessly down a street as others walk by and do not notice me...I am spending much of my time working on things to fill up my life, forgetting the one life that should have meaning to me, my own...but I have known for too long...it's why I don't have a boyfriend...I am already married, and my husband is very jealous and keeps me locked in his attention...Senior Theatre and his little boy Peter Pan...
...save draft in folder, title it, notes on my life...
I will tuck it away for when I need to write my autobiography, or maybe get a play started...but for now I will go on...I wasn't suppose to type any of this...
...new post to be written I entitle it en la calle, because I want to write about this cool pic, but will end up writing superficial crap...
Seussical is going well. I am happy to busy my life away, and have enjoyed several new learning experiences that this process has begun to show me... I truly am looking for the "Tower of Learning." What a process. Several new and exciting people in my life and they are helping me, I thank them with all my heart. I have climbed a latter...grown up a little...I feel Peter Pan fading away...I watched Finding Neverland tonight and long to become young again, but the moment has passed, when I was too young to remember...
...insert story...
...insert point...
...marvel at my wittiness and wait for someone to comment, because I crave attention and need love...
...I wrap up the post, spell check it, look through the words and find better ones...
...look over realize I have my wonderful dog here (I have joint custody, long story for another time) and remember that life is worth living hug and kiss on him and then we both go to bed...
1 comment:
oh my love...you;ve done it once again. in a way perhaps only we would understand, you've put my thoughts and emotions on paper. it's just...the feeling i get reading this post is how i've felt this entire week at work. hell, it's how i have felt since may... i too am already married. to my work, to my theater, to my 'career'. no wonder... well, we definitley need to have some drinks soon. the show at DTC opens for preview oct 5 (i think...it's a wednesday...) and opening night is the following tuesday...big party afters... let me know if you wanna come to a show...i can get you half off tix. :) love you more than i know how to express, miss you more than i can say... feel like i'm half a world away, just knwoing i won't run into you, that i can't walk to your house, that i can't see you anymore... i miss how we never really need to say anything to each other for us to konw and understand everything. muah, my dear vamp.
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