sonrisa grande

Genevieve: Can we ever be okay? Look at me; at what I've done to myself, I have lost the part of me I know. You took it. Look at my wrists. Sometimes I claw at them because I don't know what tomorrow holds for you or for me and you are right I do fear being alon. So, I leave thinking it won't hurt me, thingking this time I will be strong enough to say FUCK YOU! But I never am.
~from Talking with Michelangelo, Lestat Oberon

Someone asked me at rehearsals last night if I always smiled. This is a question I get asked regularly and the answer is yes. I am always smilling, however she then asked me a harder question. If I was as happy as I protrayed myself to be. I told her yes I am very happy. Obviously, I lied. It's amazing how easy it was. To tell her I was so very happy. She said good and told me how important that was and how glad she was that I was such a happy person.

Can we stop using the word happy.

And, usually I am a very happy person. I am filled with friends who love me and are near and dear to me. And as long as I have them I am the luckest man alive. I have to remember that.

But recently, I have been having anxioty attacks and have been very down. I wished I wasn't. I wished I was the man I purport myself to be. I just haven't been able to feel happy for a while. I am going on some anxioty pills this week. I hope that will help. I just feel drained. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I have every reason to be. I have filled my life with theatre again. Something I am all too happy to do, however, I am doing it to avoid. Which is very bad news.

Wow, an unplanned visit. Shakes is here so, I am very happy now. Maybe he will keep my mind at ease.