I feel so unfocused today, but more so like I have been dumped into a desert wasteland. I arrived at work to find a parking lot full of cars and nobody around. As I continued my walk, the new rain had just quited the atmosphere, and until I walked into my small building of work I did not see a single soul. It was like Abre los Ojos or four my American Friends, Vanilla Sky. And suddenly I thought maybe the world did end. (I will talk about this fear later). As I continued through the day I see to be surrounded by the dead bodies of other unfocused travelers. The only time I was witness to a group of semi animate persons was as I was walking past the Smokers lounge to drop off a parcel. I had never seen that many people outside, most of whom I knew. So many of them, as if they couldn't go anywhere without a large group, which supportted my subconscience thought that the Godot bomb had dropped and we were all alone.
This of course was not the case. I wished that sometimes I could shut off my life, the world, and others for a short time. My night of rest turned into restlessness. I can't sleep when I need to resolve an issue. Last night I needed to. But due to both of us not having the time, we decided that today would be better to meet or to talk over the telly. I am glad we will shed some light on this and hopefully find a resolution that will bring us both honor.
To continue down my spiral of the end of the world. I am sitting at my desk and all the way on the other side of the building sits this guy who comes and talks to me at times. Not talked to as in, "do you want to have a cup of coffee," but just hangs around from time to time. He is very cute and sweet. He is sipping his cofffe talking with his friend. His friend is hidden behind a pller so it looks as if he is in a panto with light laughter underscoring his motions. In between us is a cavernous stairwell, whose sides are cut off by the door. So, it looks as if there is a pit between us. Two men seperated by a bottomless pit, not being able to reach the other. This might just be the start of my next play. Ha. He's a cutie, but who knows. I have other things to think about right now.
27 July 2005
The best day ever!
Okay so, I took this quiz and I absolutely am soooooo freaking happy I cannot stand it. I love this blog! Okay I am a nerd.
Your Famous Blogger Twin is Wil Wheaton |
 You're a friendly, funny guy (or girl) next door With more than a touch of geekiness |
en pensamiento
Today:
Today has been a very interesting and enlightening day. I became aware of a misunderstanding that has caused great harm to many people. All of whom are my friends. I somehow feel as if I am the bad guy, but really there is no one to blame. Because of, as always, lack of communication and twisted words I have hurt someone. I am very sorry about this, but because neither of us talked about it...well, you can decode the silence. This is not at all how I expected things to turn out. Now four of us are effected by two peoples actions, but perhaps this is where it all began. I am a fool, I knew becoming friends with other gay men was going to be hard. It's like a straight man and woman being friends. It is just to hard sometimes. This is not to say it cannot happen, however, I am always a bit on edge around my guy male friends when situations arise like this. This has happened to me once before. I was the one who was hurt, left and broken because they decided that I was expendable. This is not the case in this experience, however, I feel that now looking back I should have heard his side of the story. Now, as I am the one misunderstood or perhaps overunderstood (that is to say have had assumptions layered on me) I want the chance to talk. I hope I will get that chance.
Tonight:
My dear Babs and I shared a wonderful conversation about men. How we love and hate them and how we are alike in the way we deal with them. Perhaps because of all the bullshit surrounding the situation from above, is why I haven't acted as I needed to, or how I normally do. Thank you Babs, for everything tonight. It was wonderful talking through our problems. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation too much.
Tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be filled with thought as well I am sure. A close dancer friend of mine is coming to hang out and talk about projects we want to do and I am sure we will laugh and cry and discuss politics and religion and life...or giggle like school girls about boys, movies and Gael Garcia Bernal. I look forward to this distraction tomorrow night, because as tired as I am, I will be en pensamiento for some time tonight.
Adios mis amores,
Lestat
Today has been a very interesting and enlightening day. I became aware of a misunderstanding that has caused great harm to many people. All of whom are my friends. I somehow feel as if I am the bad guy, but really there is no one to blame. Because of, as always, lack of communication and twisted words I have hurt someone. I am very sorry about this, but because neither of us talked about it...well, you can decode the silence. This is not at all how I expected things to turn out. Now four of us are effected by two peoples actions, but perhaps this is where it all began. I am a fool, I knew becoming friends with other gay men was going to be hard. It's like a straight man and woman being friends. It is just to hard sometimes. This is not to say it cannot happen, however, I am always a bit on edge around my guy male friends when situations arise like this. This has happened to me once before. I was the one who was hurt, left and broken because they decided that I was expendable. This is not the case in this experience, however, I feel that now looking back I should have heard his side of the story. Now, as I am the one misunderstood or perhaps overunderstood (that is to say have had assumptions layered on me) I want the chance to talk. I hope I will get that chance.
Tonight:
My dear Babs and I shared a wonderful conversation about men. How we love and hate them and how we are alike in the way we deal with them. Perhaps because of all the bullshit surrounding the situation from above, is why I haven't acted as I needed to, or how I normally do. Thank you Babs, for everything tonight. It was wonderful talking through our problems. I hope I didn't dominate the conversation too much.
Tomorrow:
Tomorrow will be filled with thought as well I am sure. A close dancer friend of mine is coming to hang out and talk about projects we want to do and I am sure we will laugh and cry and discuss politics and religion and life...or giggle like school girls about boys, movies and Gael Garcia Bernal. I look forward to this distraction tomorrow night, because as tired as I am, I will be en pensamiento for some time tonight.
Adios mis amores,
Lestat
25 July 2005
Humor: ?Que mi?
So strangly enough I don't have much to blog about. I was a bit put off this weekend. I rat up my back and couldn't get it off. I can't believe how much someone can get me so mad. As if it wasn't enough that someone is being such a heartbreaker to two of my girls, he has to flaunt the fact that he is top dog. Now, not that I have ever been top dog and shown it...
...So I have the dog tonight. My lovelies let me baby sit while one is out of town and the other is at work. He is being passive right this minute. Getting some sleep after running around my small apartment and jumping on everything he possibly could. And has anyone noticed what a great segway just happened, I hope you noted it. Back to little Billy Shakes. He is great and I am going to love playing with him. However, I don't know if one of my friends will be so excited to see him. Oh well.
In other news, I have cleaned most of my apartment. I have a few boxes and my closet to go through and the WC, but you know, that can wait throughout this week. just a few days till my lovely Babs turns the wonderful and exciting age of 29. She is scared, but I know she will love this transition period. Her life is about to bloom into an exciting new stage. I cannot wait to share this next part of it with you discovering and working on my play. We are in the stages of me listening to people read it and have fun with it and change it and get to a point where I can send it in. I am excited and cannot wait.
I have become a bit of a schoolboy. I find the world exciting and envigorating. I cannot stop writting on a new play I am working on. Which is why the sadness and then the happiness on my blog. When I write I tend to become the emotional state of my characters. Not totally, but I tend to blend with the overall mood.
I have had lots of new things to write about. I should post something that I have written soon. But then again, maybe I should save it. Who knows, this is partially a place to have writting excercises, maybe I should show some progress in an actual piece. Well, maybe someday till then my loves (it sounds like the world reads this, he he, thank you the few that do)...
With that I will see you in time...
Lestat
...So I have the dog tonight. My lovelies let me baby sit while one is out of town and the other is at work. He is being passive right this minute. Getting some sleep after running around my small apartment and jumping on everything he possibly could. And has anyone noticed what a great segway just happened, I hope you noted it. Back to little Billy Shakes. He is great and I am going to love playing with him. However, I don't know if one of my friends will be so excited to see him. Oh well.
In other news, I have cleaned most of my apartment. I have a few boxes and my closet to go through and the WC, but you know, that can wait throughout this week. just a few days till my lovely Babs turns the wonderful and exciting age of 29. She is scared, but I know she will love this transition period. Her life is about to bloom into an exciting new stage. I cannot wait to share this next part of it with you discovering and working on my play. We are in the stages of me listening to people read it and have fun with it and change it and get to a point where I can send it in. I am excited and cannot wait.
I have become a bit of a schoolboy. I find the world exciting and envigorating. I cannot stop writting on a new play I am working on. Which is why the sadness and then the happiness on my blog. When I write I tend to become the emotional state of my characters. Not totally, but I tend to blend with the overall mood.
I have had lots of new things to write about. I should post something that I have written soon. But then again, maybe I should save it. Who knows, this is partially a place to have writting excercises, maybe I should show some progress in an actual piece. Well, maybe someday till then my loves (it sounds like the world reads this, he he, thank you the few that do)...
With that I will see you in time...
Lestat
22 July 2005
mood : mirando sobre mi hombro
I am a little on edge today. Not that my work compiles that right now, and by work I mean day job. I never have thought of theatre as work, although I have "worked" harder and longer at that than any other job I have had. So, anyway, back to the point. I slept like a baby last night. After talking with a close friend, thanks Superboy for the fun conversation last night. I am sure it was that and not the 3 tylenol pm's I took that helped me fall asleep. he he ;) Well, I have a few auditions to work towards right now. I would really like to be in Seussical as the Cat in the Hat, but who knows, it auditions in late aug, but there are a few other shows around that time that I am going to start auditioning for. Barcelona is full of theatre right now that interests me. And it is time for me to start exploring it. I just missed casting for Twelth Night, ah what a great show. Not that there are many roles in there for me, but what a fun show to work on. I need to audition for more Shakespeare. I miss doing it all the time. Romeo and Juliet is coming up in the Spring. Hopefully I have a chance, who knows? My voice is still having a few problems since the plague, which is what I call it now. I still cough on a none regular basis, and ever since then I can't sleep. Perhaps, it also has to do with the fact that I still wake up at night from time to time looking for the man lying next to me and realizing he isn't there. And since I have been talking about love and writing about love and breakups and Michel and Genevieve, AHHHHHH.... Maybe it reminds me of why the only time I sleep well is when I have someone lying next to me. The only other times are when I have had too much to drink or by popping that nice little blue and white pill.
...píldorito gusto de la cera y hace mi alma triste...
Okay well, now on to other things...I have found a Spanish copy of Lorca's complete works en Espanol for like 10 bucks. I hope I get money soon, but since I have a trip coming up soon I don't know. I have to save every penny, especially since the plague put me on my back for a week. Okay crazies get your mind out of the gutter I was way too sick to do that, unfortunately. Well, I whoudl get back to work soon. I will write more or less on this later.
A shout out to Babs...I love you so much and this too is something that will pass...I will wait for your call my love...
Whenever you are ready.
Lestat
...píldorito gusto de la cera y hace mi alma triste...
Okay well, now on to other things...I have found a Spanish copy of Lorca's complete works en Espanol for like 10 bucks. I hope I get money soon, but since I have a trip coming up soon I don't know. I have to save every penny, especially since the plague put me on my back for a week. Okay crazies get your mind out of the gutter I was way too sick to do that, unfortunately. Well, I whoudl get back to work soon. I will write more or less on this later.
A shout out to Babs...I love you so much and this too is something that will pass...I will wait for your call my love...
Whenever you are ready.
Lestat
21 July 2005
Here's me in a nutshell, wait thats a friends blog
Your Dominant Thinking Style: |
| Exploring You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world. |
Your Secondary Thinking Style: |
| Experimenting You're all about looking at the facts, and you could always use more of them. You see life as your lab - and you're always trying out new things, people, and ideas. The master of mix and match, you're always coming up with unique combinations. You are good at getting a group to reach consensus. |
20 July 2005
Be cool
Yes, thank you very much my dear Babs, I will be...real cool, ba da, da da da...
My moods shift like a rollercoster and I am happy
My moods shift like a rollercoster and I am happy
contemplativo y soñoliento
Tonight I am filled with need for sleep and need to think. Thinking has never been a problem for me as I think more and more as I grow older. Obviously, I have thought of love the last few days. I have thought of the man I want. Maybe the man I will never have or find. Yo no se, pero quiero, no necesito a tener eso los pensamientos y les dan las alas, de modo que la energÃa más alta sepa qué hacer. I worry to much about everything. I wrote a play about the fact that I want to find this love and yet I won't let it happen. Okay, so that was part of the play, but it is the voice that I need to be listening to. Thanks to Valencia for the notes and the push to write clarifyrify this. I am working on it, in my life and in my play. In life I will let the wings of love fly who they want my way, and if I miss or find, I will have learned something. Perhaps, that is why I am okay with what happens in life. To quote a song of Rufus Wainwright, "I'm looking for the tower of learning."
There are few men around me whose eyes I look into that fit the rest of the song. It goes,
"I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live
All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more..."
To this date there have been four...okay, maybe this is more than most, however, I only had a relationship with one, another I had a summer, and two, I haven't had at all (one I never will and another, there may be hope, it's the only currency I carry). I consider myself an optimist that is why I carry hope in my pocket. Even if I have no hope for or good self image of myself. I guess that makes me a situational optimist, or a fool...but at least the fool gives people happiness. I do have optimism(as well as sarcasm, but I am working on that).
Okay, time to get some work done on my play. I will leave you with my latest fantasy,
I want to kiss a boy in the rain...
There are few men around me whose eyes I look into that fit the rest of the song. It goes,
"I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live
All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more..."
To this date there have been four...okay, maybe this is more than most, however, I only had a relationship with one, another I had a summer, and two, I haven't had at all (one I never will and another, there may be hope, it's the only currency I carry). I consider myself an optimist that is why I carry hope in my pocket. Even if I have no hope for or good self image of myself. I guess that makes me a situational optimist, or a fool...but at least the fool gives people happiness. I do have optimism(as well as sarcasm, but I am working on that).
Okay, time to get some work done on my play. I will leave you with my latest fantasy,
I want to kiss a boy in the rain...
The keys to my heart...
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
mood : enamorado
I remember when the love that dare not speak it's name was that of my gay desires. Now growing up, it has become something different. Something that is linked to secrecy of another kind. To me now that phrase conjours of the love I cannot have. The man I love who is in love with another, or the man I love who is ashamed to be gay, or the man I love who does not know I exist (at least on a love level). It is a love I must put into my heart for another day, that may never come to be cliche. blah blah blah. I felt a little vomit in the back of my throat on that one. Seriously, it is as if I am behind a glass that I can see through and view. I feel powerless to say or do... all I can do is think, think through the situation into my mind of creating worlds of romance, with no hard evidence in the real world but a kinesthetic glance, but what of that?
There is validity in what I have coined a kinesthetic glance (okay I think I coined it, but I may have read it somewhere). This unspoken comunication between lovers who cannot speak about their love for whatever reason (yes, and being a scaredy cat is one, although I am not proud to admit that). It is this lack of verbal communication that each knows of the others interest but does not act on it. Thus the ebb and flow of time move on and we label that voyage of our life, "bad timing." Yet in all my short/small/limited years of life I have viewed thousands of audio/visual stimuli on how patterns in bad timing can mean that you are ment for each other.
So, what happens when your life is made up of bad timing scenarios that keep popping up and you keep creating new ones?
Yo no se...
Perhaps my sign can bring me into some insite. I as a sag am completely able to connect to any other sign in the zodiac. I can forge friendships, love affairs, sex, and enemies with the greatest of ease and better than anyone else in the zodiac. Now, couple that with my scorpian nature as I was born on in limbo as I affectionally refer to it now. You see a side that hurts not to get hurt and this I think is what causes my bad timing.
Tonight I heard a saying that I constantly hear...
A Scorpion and a Frog where wondering through the desert. The scorpion had broken his leg and knew he could not make it, and he asked the Frog to carry him. The frog asked why he should have any reason to trust the scorpion? He had in the past always hurt the people around him...the scorpian said to the frog that this time it was different and that he would not hurt him. So, the frog takes the scorpion onto his back and they start off across the desert. Half way the scorpion stings the frog, who says, you fool now you are going to kill us both, why would you do that. To which the scorpion replied, because it's in my nature, I couldn't help it...
Perhaps I allow in the beginnings of love the scared scorpion to cower and have stinger ready that I loose out on the great compatability of the sag? It is in my nature to hurt, but like a gemini (which is one sign I do not particularly dislike, but have had bad run ins with) I am in a constant struggle. This I know helps me as an artist, however, I need to harness that energy towards creativity and love. Positive paths to channel that energy rather than destruction and fear. But now I am something of a paradox in that I have issued a binary statement. I don't like a this or that, there are gray areas, but I will get to that in another blog...
I must wait to save my love and for us to save the world till another night...
fare the well,
Lestat
There is validity in what I have coined a kinesthetic glance (okay I think I coined it, but I may have read it somewhere). This unspoken comunication between lovers who cannot speak about their love for whatever reason (yes, and being a scaredy cat is one, although I am not proud to admit that). It is this lack of verbal communication that each knows of the others interest but does not act on it. Thus the ebb and flow of time move on and we label that voyage of our life, "bad timing." Yet in all my short/small/limited years of life I have viewed thousands of audio/visual stimuli on how patterns in bad timing can mean that you are ment for each other.
So, what happens when your life is made up of bad timing scenarios that keep popping up and you keep creating new ones?
Yo no se...
Perhaps my sign can bring me into some insite. I as a sag am completely able to connect to any other sign in the zodiac. I can forge friendships, love affairs, sex, and enemies with the greatest of ease and better than anyone else in the zodiac. Now, couple that with my scorpian nature as I was born on in limbo as I affectionally refer to it now. You see a side that hurts not to get hurt and this I think is what causes my bad timing.
Tonight I heard a saying that I constantly hear...
A Scorpion and a Frog where wondering through the desert. The scorpion had broken his leg and knew he could not make it, and he asked the Frog to carry him. The frog asked why he should have any reason to trust the scorpion? He had in the past always hurt the people around him...the scorpian said to the frog that this time it was different and that he would not hurt him. So, the frog takes the scorpion onto his back and they start off across the desert. Half way the scorpion stings the frog, who says, you fool now you are going to kill us both, why would you do that. To which the scorpion replied, because it's in my nature, I couldn't help it...
Perhaps I allow in the beginnings of love the scared scorpion to cower and have stinger ready that I loose out on the great compatability of the sag? It is in my nature to hurt, but like a gemini (which is one sign I do not particularly dislike, but have had bad run ins with) I am in a constant struggle. This I know helps me as an artist, however, I need to harness that energy towards creativity and love. Positive paths to channel that energy rather than destruction and fear. But now I am something of a paradox in that I have issued a binary statement. I don't like a this or that, there are gray areas, but I will get to that in another blog...
I must wait to save my love and for us to save the world till another night...
fare the well,
Lestat
19 July 2005
Sonnet of Sweet Weeping~Lorca
Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla
de tus ojos de estatua, y el acento
que de noche me pone en la mejilla
la solitaria rosa de tu aliento.
Tengo pena de ser en esta orilla
tronco sin ramas; y lo que más siento
es no tener la flor, pulpa o arcilla,
para el gusano de mi sufrimiento.
Si tú eres el tesoro oculto mío,
si eres mi cruz y mi dolor mojado,
si soy el perro de tu señorío,
no me dejes perder lo que he ganado
y decora las aguas de tu río
con hojas de mi otoño enajenado.
I am a sucker for eyes. It may not always be the first thing I notice, but it will always be my favorite part of whomever I fall for. Hearing the opening line of Lorca's poem I remember what it feels like to be in love.
Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla de tus ojos de estatua...
Wow, what a concept for lovers to think about. However, although these words are beautiful and unique I also understand that is poetic love. I have put too many men on a pedistool, but can I live this romantic life without putting them on one.
I vasilate over this way too much possibly because I tend to fall for these god like men who have a secret identity (and I am okay with that), but who seem to know me without me saying a word.
"El poeta dice la verdad"
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Quiero matar al único testigo
para el asesinato de mis flores
y convertir mi llanto y mis sudores
en eterno montón de duro trigo.
Que no se acabe nunca la madeja
del te quiero me quieres, siempre ardida
con decrépito sol y luna vieja;
que lo que no me des y no te pida
será para la muerte, que no deja
ni sombra por la carne estremecida.
Or perhaps my problem is that I want them to feel what I feel...
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Por favor, link in my Anne Rice fetish, I want them to say,
"You feel so much, so much you make me feel."
Is that too much to ask?
Probably...
OK, maybe, but that's what I want. I want someone who has that secret identity, that is someone to figure out. Who is calculated, funny, goofy at times, holds a secret no one knows. That I am with, but is not too committed or bound down, so that I know I won't put him on a pedistool, because if he has to be with me I want him to be there because he wants to be. Yeah when we fags are no longer 2nd citizens, who are degraded not because who we sleep with, but who WE LOVE, are allowed the same priviliges of the pious breeders and can marry. Then if we both want to we will. But we don't have to, because we are together, because we love each other. Because we want each other, because the passion takes us on a ride, and the euphoria stays to settle the debris, and when the debris is down peace and love unfold on the ground until our graves call us home to slumber in the ground. Someone who can disagree with me, but stay because the disagreement agrees with him.
I ask for a lot, but very little. Someone who can talk without words and who hears me when I communicate with him. Who will hold me when I kinesthetically communicate I need touch, and who will back away when my inner scorpian takes over my outer sag and stars to sting. Who will give "us" distance to grow, and who will love, even if it is in a none classical, romantic way.
I think I have been drinking tonight, not really, but I hit a vein.
Peace,
L
de tus ojos de estatua, y el acento
que de noche me pone en la mejilla
la solitaria rosa de tu aliento.
Tengo pena de ser en esta orilla
tronco sin ramas; y lo que más siento
es no tener la flor, pulpa o arcilla,
para el gusano de mi sufrimiento.
Si tú eres el tesoro oculto mío,
si eres mi cruz y mi dolor mojado,
si soy el perro de tu señorío,
no me dejes perder lo que he ganado
y decora las aguas de tu río
con hojas de mi otoño enajenado.
I am a sucker for eyes. It may not always be the first thing I notice, but it will always be my favorite part of whomever I fall for. Hearing the opening line of Lorca's poem I remember what it feels like to be in love.
Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla de tus ojos de estatua...
Wow, what a concept for lovers to think about. However, although these words are beautiful and unique I also understand that is poetic love. I have put too many men on a pedistool, but can I live this romantic life without putting them on one.
I vasilate over this way too much possibly because I tend to fall for these god like men who have a secret identity (and I am okay with that), but who seem to know me without me saying a word.
"El poeta dice la verdad"
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Quiero matar al único testigo
para el asesinato de mis flores
y convertir mi llanto y mis sudores
en eterno montón de duro trigo.
Que no se acabe nunca la madeja
del te quiero me quieres, siempre ardida
con decrépito sol y luna vieja;
que lo que no me des y no te pida
será para la muerte, que no deja
ni sombra por la carne estremecida.
Or perhaps my problem is that I want them to feel what I feel...
Quiero llorar mi pena y te lo digo
para que tú me quieras y me llores
en un anochecer de ruiseñores
con un puñal, con besos y contigo.
Por favor, link in my Anne Rice fetish, I want them to say,
"You feel so much, so much you make me feel."
Is that too much to ask?
Probably...
OK, maybe, but that's what I want. I want someone who has that secret identity, that is someone to figure out. Who is calculated, funny, goofy at times, holds a secret no one knows. That I am with, but is not too committed or bound down, so that I know I won't put him on a pedistool, because if he has to be with me I want him to be there because he wants to be. Yeah when we fags are no longer 2nd citizens, who are degraded not because who we sleep with, but who WE LOVE, are allowed the same priviliges of the pious breeders and can marry. Then if we both want to we will. But we don't have to, because we are together, because we love each other. Because we want each other, because the passion takes us on a ride, and the euphoria stays to settle the debris, and when the debris is down peace and love unfold on the ground until our graves call us home to slumber in the ground. Someone who can disagree with me, but stay because the disagreement agrees with him.
I ask for a lot, but very little. Someone who can talk without words and who hears me when I communicate with him. Who will hold me when I kinesthetically communicate I need touch, and who will back away when my inner scorpian takes over my outer sag and stars to sting. Who will give "us" distance to grow, and who will love, even if it is in a none classical, romantic way.
I think I have been drinking tonight, not really, but I hit a vein.
Peace,
L
11 July 2005
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
In lew of not being able to post, here is something fun. I have been writing a lot, but I have a few excercises I want to do, as soon as I get time, between costumes for Superstar and finding a way to kiss the man I love in the rain...
| In a Past Life... |
Where You Lived: Ukraine. How You Died: Consumption. |
25 June 2005
The man in the corner
When he was younger he was teased. He usually sat by himself until he found someone that was willing to talk and then try to become friends with them. Sometimes they became close, others did not. He was not one to have a plethora of friends, nor did he use the term lightly. Later in life he would assemble a group friends that would be the ones he talked with and even then he limited the number to no more than twelve. Perhaps it was because of the religious affiliation, this was possibly right because he was always aware of the Judi in the group that needed to be weeded out. Realize he never thought that he was a Savior, just one that could take the blame at times. This caused him hardship later on in life as he would apologize for everything. He always felt like an outsider even among friends, yet there where always a few where we were right there connecting. He had started his group with those ten people right now and would continue to keep them. He was lucky enough to find love three times(although because of this he is unsure he will ever find love again).
Twice he was walked away from, once he left.
Did he feel he didn't deserve love, probably, he left once, and he was a bad man (to some).
Often now as he is older he plays the court jester, yes to quote Elliot, "almost, at times, the fool..."
Recently he was invited into a Royal Court, and some of those people he trust whole-heartedly, and some he finds himself playing the fool. He becomes sad at times because he hears the laughing school children in the back of his head as the court laughs and cheers, and sometimes the pain is unbearable. But he smiles anyway, because that is his job. To make others happy. And he loves that attention, and the praise and the admiration because it is flattery and he is lavished with endearment and so it is worth it. The pains of childhood fade and he is golden boy who rules the kingdom. He is vain and conceited and full of power. And then he sees the lights fade again and the voices come back and he wonders again is this court really laughing at him as the others did so long ago? But this is silly, they love him, the worry haunts him and so he makes them laugh, he plays the game, until finally he cries alone. Like the school boy in the bathroom again he cries... No one said he was tough, and they always did call him pansy...
Twice he was walked away from, once he left.
Did he feel he didn't deserve love, probably, he left once, and he was a bad man (to some).
Often now as he is older he plays the court jester, yes to quote Elliot, "almost, at times, the fool..."
Recently he was invited into a Royal Court, and some of those people he trust whole-heartedly, and some he finds himself playing the fool. He becomes sad at times because he hears the laughing school children in the back of his head as the court laughs and cheers, and sometimes the pain is unbearable. But he smiles anyway, because that is his job. To make others happy. And he loves that attention, and the praise and the admiration because it is flattery and he is lavished with endearment and so it is worth it. The pains of childhood fade and he is golden boy who rules the kingdom. He is vain and conceited and full of power. And then he sees the lights fade again and the voices come back and he wonders again is this court really laughing at him as the others did so long ago? But this is silly, they love him, the worry haunts him and so he makes them laugh, he plays the game, until finally he cries alone. Like the school boy in the bathroom again he cries... No one said he was tough, and they always did call him pansy...
21 June 2005
In the Bedroom
There was a silence in the room that everyone felt. Pan's menions filled the room to make midsummer madness. Ysos transfixed himself and turned Les' blood into wine. The game had begun. Music from Pan started to pipe in the background as the two men stared at one another. Les laughed, uncomfortable at first, and his Grecian smile then set his face glowing. Sweat started to flow. They stalked each other as they were animals, and the panther in Ysos flashed in his eyes. A one, two hold four...like a carefully choreographed fight sequence Ysos advanced, then Les, an obstruction would block the hunters. Then one, hold, three...the preys would reveal themselves. Les extended his arm, and Ysos took it. And worked his hand down his arm to his waist. This time Les would not lead. I would be Ysos' turn. Ysos pulled Les close and they began to dance to the music in the room...
To be continued...
To be continued...
17 June 2005
De Je Vois and other stories...
Sitting in a bar was something he was used to. Recounting stories as well. Tonight was no different. Other than the young man who was usually very active in conversation fell silent. Sat and watched as one woman turned into another and a new conversation was born. Perhaps he didn't like the first subject matter, or maybe it was because he had other things on his mind, or maybe a sense of de je vois he come over him. One year ago he had graced that bar with his presence and told the stories and laughed and drank. A cold chill came over him as he had relized what the future was to tell him. Almost like a reverse of de je vois. Now almost a year to the date came the felling of the past vision acting out. A story was told of a line and stepping out of it. It was nothing out of the ordinary except it had everything to do with the Now. His eyes opened to the micro-world around him for a moment. He began to see the rhythems of the lives around him. He saw impurities and justices and perfections. He could not talk because his mind was so preoccupide with seeing the rhythem and hearing the colors, and tasting the visuals of the life forces beside him. His senses had merged or shifted or gone out of wack. He knew that this is one of the moments he was looking for. I could be the late nights, loud room and dim lighting, but he was sure that this moment he had removed himself and sat himself in a corner to comand a sentence that would flow into a paragraph of writing. He listened to the dialogue of the people beside him, but focused more on the kinesthetic motions of the bodies around him. What were they saying. I am amazed by subtext. The three beautiful men around him sat with many differnt words attached to their bodies. A dance was going around. The beautiful woman sat absorbing the three men and shifting from them to the man in the corner. She would become aware of his listening from time to time and clue into his minds conversation as if to say, "Hey join the living again and converse." She knew that he was deep in though about something, a play, a script, a boy, a life, something. She might know, and for a moment in time she saw through his minds eye a glimpse of what he was thinking. They had a conversation danced through their eyes. She would be leaving soon, and they had some things to talk about. This would come later her eyebrow said to his right cheek. Each person had at the table something to loose and gain. Two men kept to themselves with an ear to the two men who spoke. The woman sat and engaged in both conversations.
The man in the corner began to realize he had put himself in this situation. Coming to the bar he had wanted to talk, but his brain and body had other conversations to uphold.
Tonight the silence spoke. The body danced. And the eyes listened.
The man in the corner began to realize he had put himself in this situation. Coming to the bar he had wanted to talk, but his brain and body had other conversations to uphold.
Tonight the silence spoke. The body danced. And the eyes listened.
15 June 2005
A Room in Prague
Here recently I feel more and more like I am wondering the streets of Prague. Unfortunately the streets here do not have the old world charm and the sense of adventure and mystery of places I can go to get lost for hours.
A Phone call happened...a break in the lines of this blog occurred. I was happy for the distraction because it made me feel better about the people I am close to.
Walking down the streets of Prague is invigorating. It holds so much in a tiny space. The city is a mixture of languages. The tower of Babel. It is something you cannot see here in the United States very often. And to admit naivete it is probably more of the cities in Europe that have this. One feels completely isolated, yet surrounded.
A cafe is to the right, a bar to the left, a shop down the road...
There is a charm that goes into being there. A sense of old life mixed with newness. Like when meet a boy for the first time after having been through many heartbreaks. They are the same, but different.
Perhaps because the right kind of man does not come around often. Perhaps the men of everyones past hurt them too often, we as humans start to catagorize them into a bad category... We do tend to label things too much, humans in general I think.
Boys, wow so much ado...
I need to change landry over... a break in the writing again takes over...
this break will end the blog for now, maybe in the middle of the night I will wake up and write more...
Lestat
A Phone call happened...a break in the lines of this blog occurred. I was happy for the distraction because it made me feel better about the people I am close to.
Walking down the streets of Prague is invigorating. It holds so much in a tiny space. The city is a mixture of languages. The tower of Babel. It is something you cannot see here in the United States very often. And to admit naivete it is probably more of the cities in Europe that have this. One feels completely isolated, yet surrounded.
A cafe is to the right, a bar to the left, a shop down the road...
There is a charm that goes into being there. A sense of old life mixed with newness. Like when meet a boy for the first time after having been through many heartbreaks. They are the same, but different.
Perhaps because the right kind of man does not come around often. Perhaps the men of everyones past hurt them too often, we as humans start to catagorize them into a bad category... We do tend to label things too much, humans in general I think.
Boys, wow so much ado...
I need to change landry over... a break in the writing again takes over...
this break will end the blog for now, maybe in the middle of the night I will wake up and write more...
Lestat
14 June 2005
Pity party, the Lord of the House...
When I was young the world was new and I could be anything I wanted to be. All I ever wished was to be older than I was at that moment. Now, I still fight that battle. But I will never be that old, to quote the story line of the play I am in now. I will never be old enough, I will never be smart enough and I will never be beautiful enough... I have become so aware of my being that it doesn't matter anymore. I justify the things I need to work on.
Smoking has always been my form of suicide and I have known this for several years now. I will not quit because I cannot imagine a day that goes by that I don't try some form of suicide. I know, welcome to earth here's your number...
To be in this moment gives me great saddness.
I sometimes say I will never because I, deep down inside believe that if I say that it will reverse the situation I am in. Unfortunately, that has never been the case.
Boys have always been a weakness for me, and I feel that because the boys I choose will never love me, I am safe. I will never experience the joys of love, because I am too afraid of the possibilities that will come with exposing myself. I see fault in others and can read people because I, like a camelion, choose a skin close to theirs.
It is very hard to distinguish what I feel and what I know...too often have I been ruled by logic that I don't listen to emotion. I don't live in the now, because logic takes over. I feel that logic is a way to better myself. therefor my logic takes over to make me a better person, of which I am not. So long have I trusted that logic to lead me to a place, and that place is barron... devoid of meaning, because my emotions were packed in another bag. The times I pack logic and ride with emotion that it is the most dangerous and inevitably the most fun. I wish that I could backpack my life with logic and see the world through emotion.
Love has not come to me, I have sitimatical seek it.
I use riddle to sound smart, but really it is just the logic creaping in to make you love me... see I did it again, and again just now... How calculated was that last sentence?
There was a night a long time ago I watched with my third eye two friends come together but not touch. It was here I realized that I love them both and was initiating the whole thing. I had loved them so much yet had calculated every move of their togetherness. Was it because the whole time I feel in love with them, I realized they would never love me... It wouldn't have worked, even if it had for only a moment, a moment can't last forever, even if you write a play about it... (how long has that been in my brain, and how calculated was that statement). They want to be together, but for what, a moment in time, to make a connection for a moment (I am bitter saying this, maybe they will prove me wrong and come into a romance so pure Romeo and Juliet would look like enemies)... Sometimes I hope that they will prove me wrong and I can gloat in my own pity, hmmm, yes pity because I am not like them... I don't go through life seeking real emotion, just logic...a compact that says this is binding and we cannot break it... Until I prove it wrong.
I think I hate the mirror most because there is no relection there... Vampire have been a fasination forever, is that a reason even if it is a small one... My reflection has nothing, because I willed it away many years ago. Who I wanted to be and what I became where two different things. The Jeckel and Hyde of my life are polar opposites and have no reason to meet. They will never meet. I want to prove myself wrong, because then i will have lessened myself, and then I can win, win what? The prize behind the door that is empty....possibly (you feel sorry for me, I think that maybe I have made you, you only hear my side, you don't know my Jeckel)...
This drunken stooper and mixed emotion of realizing I came out of the closet because I didn't want to be miserable and alone, but now, because of life choices not dealing with my sexuality, I am... And will be... I have friends, several of whom I am close too, maybe not that close, sometimes I don't know. That's a problem with me... I never know... I need to... I really need to get over it an be myself, who is that little boy, I don't remember...
I want someone to save me, but by saying that I think I will be proven wrong and no one will...
A voice is heard, "Save yourself"
But how?
I don't have all the answers, I give advice from observations, I know nothing, it is all very Godot... I am being clever again, you like me now, was that calculated?
I throw up, I move on...
I can't take this shit...
I am going to bed.
Smoking has always been my form of suicide and I have known this for several years now. I will not quit because I cannot imagine a day that goes by that I don't try some form of suicide. I know, welcome to earth here's your number...
To be in this moment gives me great saddness.
I sometimes say I will never because I, deep down inside believe that if I say that it will reverse the situation I am in. Unfortunately, that has never been the case.
Boys have always been a weakness for me, and I feel that because the boys I choose will never love me, I am safe. I will never experience the joys of love, because I am too afraid of the possibilities that will come with exposing myself. I see fault in others and can read people because I, like a camelion, choose a skin close to theirs.
It is very hard to distinguish what I feel and what I know...too often have I been ruled by logic that I don't listen to emotion. I don't live in the now, because logic takes over. I feel that logic is a way to better myself. therefor my logic takes over to make me a better person, of which I am not. So long have I trusted that logic to lead me to a place, and that place is barron... devoid of meaning, because my emotions were packed in another bag. The times I pack logic and ride with emotion that it is the most dangerous and inevitably the most fun. I wish that I could backpack my life with logic and see the world through emotion.
Love has not come to me, I have sitimatical seek it.
I use riddle to sound smart, but really it is just the logic creaping in to make you love me... see I did it again, and again just now... How calculated was that last sentence?
There was a night a long time ago I watched with my third eye two friends come together but not touch. It was here I realized that I love them both and was initiating the whole thing. I had loved them so much yet had calculated every move of their togetherness. Was it because the whole time I feel in love with them, I realized they would never love me... It wouldn't have worked, even if it had for only a moment, a moment can't last forever, even if you write a play about it... (how long has that been in my brain, and how calculated was that statement). They want to be together, but for what, a moment in time, to make a connection for a moment (I am bitter saying this, maybe they will prove me wrong and come into a romance so pure Romeo and Juliet would look like enemies)... Sometimes I hope that they will prove me wrong and I can gloat in my own pity, hmmm, yes pity because I am not like them... I don't go through life seeking real emotion, just logic...a compact that says this is binding and we cannot break it... Until I prove it wrong.
I think I hate the mirror most because there is no relection there... Vampire have been a fasination forever, is that a reason even if it is a small one... My reflection has nothing, because I willed it away many years ago. Who I wanted to be and what I became where two different things. The Jeckel and Hyde of my life are polar opposites and have no reason to meet. They will never meet. I want to prove myself wrong, because then i will have lessened myself, and then I can win, win what? The prize behind the door that is empty....possibly (you feel sorry for me, I think that maybe I have made you, you only hear my side, you don't know my Jeckel)...
This drunken stooper and mixed emotion of realizing I came out of the closet because I didn't want to be miserable and alone, but now, because of life choices not dealing with my sexuality, I am... And will be... I have friends, several of whom I am close too, maybe not that close, sometimes I don't know. That's a problem with me... I never know... I need to... I really need to get over it an be myself, who is that little boy, I don't remember...
I want someone to save me, but by saying that I think I will be proven wrong and no one will...
A voice is heard, "Save yourself"
But how?
I don't have all the answers, I give advice from observations, I know nothing, it is all very Godot... I am being clever again, you like me now, was that calculated?
I throw up, I move on...
I can't take this shit...
I am going to bed.
09 June 2005
Occupant of room three
In the bedroom of my life there have been many travelers...and many more who have not graced my sheets. One such occupant has stepped into the doorway of my inner sanctum to never have warmed my bed. Riff stood insainly tall. Was devilishly handsome and captivated my every fiber. He challenged me without saying a word and was my other half without being too alike or different. He followed me without question, and yet seemed to lead the way.
When we were lost I looked to him, and it was then that I realized he was the reason I had strayed.
His eyes told the story of his soul. Riff had been there and back again, without the hobbits and wizards. The boyhood charm mixed with a man's mind was immediately noticed and challenged. Youthfulness and pleasure poured from him and gave me great hope of hitting 28, without taking care of oneself...
I saw the first line drawn then into the second...it wasn't to be the last...
Riff's calculated moves were a part of the dance his life was made of. He couldn't let anyone in for fear of showing himself. The tragedy was that he wanted to show someone everything. It was too sorted a past, too much for anyone to handle...
...a breath came and he knew something would slip...tumble, fall, glance, recover...
His body had one defect that drove me wild...a sunken in chest...it was a birth defect that had caused him great unease as a child...but was unique and exposing of the flaw that was his current life...
He called out of the blue whenever he called and had good intention...never would he admit that, because for so long the shadow of his past would haunt him...tell him stories that this could not be it...
...it was a lust unholy...No that could not be, it is pure, no how can I be pure...
the door to the bedroom remains open...for one it is an open door to explore, two a door that is open must be walked through, three a door walked through must be closed if either to leave or to stay..........
This is too hard for now...
Lestat
When we were lost I looked to him, and it was then that I realized he was the reason I had strayed.
His eyes told the story of his soul. Riff had been there and back again, without the hobbits and wizards. The boyhood charm mixed with a man's mind was immediately noticed and challenged. Youthfulness and pleasure poured from him and gave me great hope of hitting 28, without taking care of oneself...
I saw the first line drawn then into the second...it wasn't to be the last...
Riff's calculated moves were a part of the dance his life was made of. He couldn't let anyone in for fear of showing himself. The tragedy was that he wanted to show someone everything. It was too sorted a past, too much for anyone to handle...
...a breath came and he knew something would slip...tumble, fall, glance, recover...
His body had one defect that drove me wild...a sunken in chest...it was a birth defect that had caused him great unease as a child...but was unique and exposing of the flaw that was his current life...
He called out of the blue whenever he called and had good intention...never would he admit that, because for so long the shadow of his past would haunt him...tell him stories that this could not be it...
...it was a lust unholy...No that could not be, it is pure, no how can I be pure...
the door to the bedroom remains open...for one it is an open door to explore, two a door that is open must be walked through, three a door walked through must be closed if either to leave or to stay..........
This is too hard for now...
Lestat
03 June 2005
A survey for fun...
I had to take some time off from the occupants portion of my blog so here is some fun...
1. What is your biggest fear?
Regret. (Babs, great minds)
2. What's a bizarre quirk or habit of yours?
I have to travel in a circular path, ie if I go down the street to a store, I will more than likely continue around the block, come all the way around to form a circle or oval.
3. Who was your first childhood crush?
Elijah wood, hey he's hot now, kinda
4. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Thundercats definately, later Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
5. What is your favorite movie quote?
I can't wait for my first shore leave, so I can get me some f*cking pootang.
6. Who would you like to write your eulogy (dead or alive)?
John Stewert
7. What irritates you the most while driving?
People who get in front of you and then slow down. Hey if you want to drive the speed limit fine, just don't make me.
8. How long do you stay in the shower?
Depends on the day, time of day, and yes Babs, if someone is joining me or not.
9. Do you have any birthmarks?
a few small ones
10. Who is/was your favorite Queer as Folk(or something straight for you breeders, he he)?
Ben Bruckner
11. True or False. Paris Hilton should die a horrible death.
TRUE signed in blood.
12.Which song lyrics describe you the best?
At this moment, "I want to fall in love tonight!!"
13. Name three things you'd like to do before you die.
Live in Prague and speak Czech
Work in a third world country
Fly a plane
14. The 3 blogs you read most often are:
http://postsecret.blogspot.com
http://lesstraveledby.blogspot.com
http://www.caffeinatedactor.blogspot.com/
15. My favorite Play (sorry I failed Musicals in gay school) is:
The Blue Room
16. How many times have you seen The Princess Bride (be honest)?
4,763 and yes I have counted.
17. If you could go on any Game Show, which one would it be?
Inferno, granted I would have to be on real world this year to do that, but hey whatever...
18. Where would you go on your dream vacation?
Prague, I absolutely love that place.
19. What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
I don’t want to talk about it.
1. What is your biggest fear?
Regret. (Babs, great minds)
2. What's a bizarre quirk or habit of yours?
I have to travel in a circular path, ie if I go down the street to a store, I will more than likely continue around the block, come all the way around to form a circle or oval.
3. Who was your first childhood crush?
Elijah wood, hey he's hot now, kinda
4. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Thundercats definately, later Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
5. What is your favorite movie quote?
I can't wait for my first shore leave, so I can get me some f*cking pootang.
6. Who would you like to write your eulogy (dead or alive)?
John Stewert
7. What irritates you the most while driving?
People who get in front of you and then slow down. Hey if you want to drive the speed limit fine, just don't make me.
8. How long do you stay in the shower?
Depends on the day, time of day, and yes Babs, if someone is joining me or not.
9. Do you have any birthmarks?
a few small ones
10. Who is/was your favorite Queer as Folk(or something straight for you breeders, he he)?
Ben Bruckner
11. True or False. Paris Hilton should die a horrible death.
TRUE signed in blood.
12.Which song lyrics describe you the best?
At this moment, "I want to fall in love tonight!!"
13. Name three things you'd like to do before you die.
Live in Prague and speak Czech
Work in a third world country
Fly a plane
14. The 3 blogs you read most often are:
http://postsecret.blogspot.com
http://lesstraveledby.blogspot.com
http://www.caffeinatedactor.blogspot.com/
15. My favorite Play (sorry I failed Musicals in gay school) is:
The Blue Room
16. How many times have you seen The Princess Bride (be honest)?
4,763 and yes I have counted.
17. If you could go on any Game Show, which one would it be?
Inferno, granted I would have to be on real world this year to do that, but hey whatever...
18. Where would you go on your dream vacation?
Prague, I absolutely love that place.
19. What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
I don’t want to talk about it.
01 June 2005
Occupant of room two...
I will never regret the invitation of the women in my life to my cigar room. We have shared the wine and shared the gossip of all our days. Recently I was to open the door to a past cigar party. Imagine a smoke filled room, with heavy mood lighting (very pretentious). Filling the room the sound of rifts of jazz, screams of alternative and punk, and pleasant conversation. We were all very close. In that time, with how few of us there were, it was hard not to be. We ate together, drank together, smoked together, acted together, and sometimes slept together. It is there I remember the dark greens and maroons that where to creep into my life later. The lighting that made haziness breed clarity. We knew each other and lived a life that any Bohemian would be jealous of. We created art.
We let each other slip away...
We knew that there could be no tomorrow and by living that surrendered everything. What we could not know was that we would surrender each other.
I have no doubt I could call any of them at any time, but I was not prepared for the call I would make.
Helen, Aileen and I where the three closest in Club 708. We had planned our lives together. How we wanted to be. It was all very "Sex in the City," before "Sex in the City." We had imagined Helen with a martini and a fag opening her door at age 60 to the lovely Miami Mansion she would become heiress to. I would live next door in the Spanish style mansion and Aileen would be in a lovely Contemporary Mansion. We were still not to delude ourselves to the knowledge that we were disturbed individuals, however, we knew that we would make it and be successful...
There is a call I have not made, I can not make...
She is not doing well and has talked with Aileen since. She was arrested and caught up with a man who is an addict. She has very little money and has probably lived on the streets. I have not contacted her for fear of what to say.
I believe the smokey room has vaporized and I have been left with the lingering stench of stale smoke...
I now must call her to put her dad's mind at ease. What will the other end hold. I close the door to the cigar room, and wait until I have to open that door again...tomorrow, or the day after that.
We let each other slip away...
We knew that there could be no tomorrow and by living that surrendered everything. What we could not know was that we would surrender each other.
I have no doubt I could call any of them at any time, but I was not prepared for the call I would make.
Helen, Aileen and I where the three closest in Club 708. We had planned our lives together. How we wanted to be. It was all very "Sex in the City," before "Sex in the City." We had imagined Helen with a martini and a fag opening her door at age 60 to the lovely Miami Mansion she would become heiress to. I would live next door in the Spanish style mansion and Aileen would be in a lovely Contemporary Mansion. We were still not to delude ourselves to the knowledge that we were disturbed individuals, however, we knew that we would make it and be successful...
There is a call I have not made, I can not make...
She is not doing well and has talked with Aileen since. She was arrested and caught up with a man who is an addict. She has very little money and has probably lived on the streets. I have not contacted her for fear of what to say.
I believe the smokey room has vaporized and I have been left with the lingering stench of stale smoke...
I now must call her to put her dad's mind at ease. What will the other end hold. I close the door to the cigar room, and wait until I have to open that door again...tomorrow, or the day after that.
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