Day 29 down on to day 28

Howie: It's my turn to wait, and I will wait long enough.
~Broken Hearts Club

It is my turn to wait, and wait long enough...not for you, but for someone who is worthy of me. someone who I will fall madly for. Already, you romove the sex, and the romatantic comes full force. But sitting at the bar, staring at a boy who for right now is perfect, but who is not ready for me. I have to remember that I have to wait. Timing in comedy is everything, and it is the same for life. I am always so sad that as far as it is known Aristotle only wrote about tragedy. Perhaps this is because he knew tragedy needed rules, but comedy from the beginning of time on has always had specific rules. I know I am over exageratting, but in my opinion tragedy is broad, and comedy is narrow. Everyone can see in an instant when something in comedy works, where in tragedy there are many combinations that might work, or that do work. I think I would have enjoyed Aristotle's anal retentiveness more if he had written about comedy. I like many of the Christina Yang's of this world (I know I am Meredith, but really they are cut from the same cloth and I share Yang's sense of ocd) am obsessed with textbook answers. Comedy is textbook, and hard. You have to be born with it or overly study the manual. The reason I am so good at comedy is I am textbook with it. I follow the rules. I wasn't born into it, and although I was born a storyteller, I am not a natural actor. I have had to study and grind and build my craft. That is why it is so interesting to me to see natural talent. That is why I am so impressed by it, even knowing that although it is so impressive, they often lack the disipline of learned actors. Not to mention the degrees in between, let me go binary for a moment (i know I hate binary, but for the purposes of this blog I will amuse the binarists out there). I need to become proud of who I am again. I think that is why I am going onto these 30 days. And hopefully I can keep it up, and find out things to let me aquire the will to be proud, without the need for people to recognize it. That is really what this is about, I need to focus on that rather than the romantic notions that I am doing this for a man, because in the end, if I don't do it for myself, its not worth it...I think we have hit the stage of pre-mature enlightenment, we may be able to go somewhere with this, if I don't focus on it and use it as a shield to become enlightened...Ok, I am exhaused I should go to bed.

I hurt myself today...

Dennis: You sure know how to pick them.
Benji: I know, I can't help myself, they remind me of how it used to be, where you look around and every guy in the room is just a
Dennis: Possibility
Benji: Yeah and then you find out WE are the possiblity.
~Broken Hearts Club

When did the endless world of possibilities turn into the us as posibilities? As if we don't have enough problems coming out, we shoot out of the closet and run around with guys that make us bitter and jaded. Then we all become bitter gay men, which sturcturalism taught us to mean we are all the same bitter jaded gay man...Yes I do enjoy boiling structuralism down to its basic premise. I guess day one is over. I have survived the first day without sex, ok, like I have it all the time, but I did have it more than the average guy. I guess perhaps I should let you know what spurred this adventure, other than the fact of boys...Perhaps I have been having too much sex, not that it gives anyone the right to call me a slut, also, I am always using sex as a way to validate myself, to feel better, to fix what He broke (he here is in the universal sense, naturally). And, perhaps I should nit, not to find McVet, because lets face it, he just lets my dog that symbolizes McDreamy die reminding me of that relationship. Okay, enough with the Meredith metaphors. But really, I do need to fix me. I need to figure out what makes me feel the way I do. Why am I still hung up on these boys who are not worth it. Why am I a romantic, and is that something I am able to obtain, or is it something I am not willing to allow myself that pleasure. Barring the whole monkey theory that groups of gay men are a group of monkeys that during mating time the men gather and kill each other, but well, the Coles/Brian Kenny's out there without a soul, make us that are him, look bad. Ok, I know I am babeling but it is late. So, I sleep around a lot, perhaps this is something that is making me look bad, and it gives McDreamy something to fuel horrible fires about me to all the other gay Seattle Grace. But you know, really I just need to stop having sex so that when I do, perhaps I will find someone who can wait with me. Perhaps I will.

Lestat what r u thinking?

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (QAF Episode: 506)


So, day one begins tonight at 10:04 pm. One month of not sleeping with someone. One month of not going home with someone. Lets see if I can do it??? I will blog everyday about what is up. That is right, 30 days without a man...what will it do to me.

;)

And this one is named Blue...

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too (QAF Ep. 403)

Sometimes, we all do stupid things to make us feel better, and as you have read this blog know that I am the one who does that with furver. What is wrong with me? I am the dirty mistress, but how long do I have to pay for that? How do I make it stop? No, I am not sleeping with a taken guy right now, but I do still sleep around, and although that doesn't give that man a right to call me a slut, it doesn't make me feel any better about my choices. So, Dr. McDreamy fucked me, McVet doesn't want me, and Dr. McSteamy just want to fuck me. So, I went away from the McLife and tried something else, but where is the life there. I don't need the Mc, but I need the life. Where is that for me now, I am not ready to be pushed aside and hung on the shelf. I still need something, some kind of love. And, yes maybe I don't allow myself to do that, maybe I don't allow myself the room, the disipline to go with that, but I have always known what I want, and perhaps now I am looking for someone to change my life. Or maybe I have always wanted that.

duh

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (Qaf Episode: 506)

I hate boys, and straight men in the closet....

Seriamente

Ben: What?
Michael: I'm just looking. You are so beautiful.
Ben: You're kind of cute yourself. (QAF Episode: 401)

I think life is harder than you make it. I think really it is just a series of moments that our emotions make complex. A hug is really just a comfort we make into a complex situation. After all these years am I beginning to think the Greeks were right with the three part harmony. Perhaps getting the emotions under control is the answer. Sitting at the pub last night, a friend talked to me about the fact that theatre people are quite subdued because our emotions are all lived out on stage. I thought that, but recently since last October I have been triggered into massive emotions in real life, most of which have emerged because of hugs and a silly little thing called lust, love and other emotions of the similar. When I was young a snake bit me and I was infected with a poison called love that made me a romantic. I have tried to find the antidote but sex doesn't work anymore. Or does it, it makes the pain easier and we have already established that I am Meredith Grey and that going to the pub and picking up a guy is my thing. I have been re-watching the series and yes I am her, only my McDreamy was an asshole who still tries to ruin my life, even though he doesn't do it in public and I am the one who finds out about it so I have to pretend that we are friends and keep my cool...Hating him, scratch that hating anyone is the most exhausting...so I put it away, but then something happens, and I am realize I can't escape the wrath...but then a friend who used to be a love, hugs me tells me he his grateful we are friends and I realize McDreamy has no power...and life goes on.

When Love Comes...

Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)

What happens when happily ever after isn't for you. What if your McDreamy does pic Addison, or your Meridith picks McVet...and although I am no Carrie at the prom with pigs blood on me, I can't help but think I have missed my romance. Oh, believe me I have had the perfect romance, from several guys, its just that my Prince Charming's are all Prince Pricks and I am the slut who has the problem. I am sick and tired of being the dirty slut, because I play that role, and so therefor happily ever after doesn't apply to me. It is my fault, well fine ok, I have been alright with it but now, I am not. If you play me the villain, then that is your problem. I am not the villain or the victim, I am however the lead man of my life, and it is not my fault you don't get to blame me anymore. Or at least not in my mind you don't get to blame me. I am worthy of life, therefor I am worthy of love (i know cue music, lights and get ready for the credits) the unfortunate reality is in real life we don't have the after the credits. If we did perhaps we would realize that the Pretty Woman did go back to being a whore after a year of happiness. But I am still a romantic, I still believe it is out there, and if I have to settle for the mundane, then that is what I have to settle for. So the guy in the armor wasn't mine, but the squire to the left is...does that make the fairy tale less accurate, or is this the new fairy tale, the Shrek, the Happily N'ever After, the Knocked Up...Perhaps that is my fairy tale and I don't get the fire hot passion, the fire hot romance, the longing of a lifetime that I have already have had, isn't for the real romance of forever...perhaps I get baby passion, baby fire and no longing to settle for stability. Someone who will stay with me forever, even if I don't get weak every time they say hey, every time I see them, every time we fight and make up. Perhaps that is not the real romance I want, perhaps I do want the stability of the non fire romance, and perhaps that is ok. I have finally come to realize i need to stop chasing the guys who aren't chasing me...growing up sucks...

Blackholes and revelations

Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (QAF Episode: 313)

In life timing is everything. When we have it we have it, when we don't well it sucks. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have it these days. I am so unfocused. Yes, boys, they suck, btw. I have no timing with boys, and yes I us the youthful term because they are young and stupid and I am at least stupid for chasing after them. After everything, I should be swear them off as I do all the time and then go on an orgiastic free for all. But that would fall under the heading of keeping in the same pattern and somehow I need to get out of that. Although there is a fight, it should not be my fight. If I am going to fight for a boy perhaps they should be prepared to fight for me sometime. Otherwise, I need to leave them alone, and move on, except for the little timing issue. Should I hold out for the right time, or should I not...the real answer is not, because in the end when the timing is right, it will be right. And besides, if I do need ass I can get it and if I need a relationship I need to realize, the time is not right.

Tah for now.