I hurt myself today...

Dennis: You sure know how to pick them.
Benji: I know, I can't help myself, they remind me of how it used to be, where you look around and every guy in the room is just a
Dennis: Possibility
Benji: Yeah and then you find out WE are the possiblity.
~Broken Hearts Club

When did the endless world of possibilities turn into the us as posibilities? As if we don't have enough problems coming out, we shoot out of the closet and run around with guys that make us bitter and jaded. Then we all become bitter gay men, which sturcturalism taught us to mean we are all the same bitter jaded gay man...Yes I do enjoy boiling structuralism down to its basic premise. I guess day one is over. I have survived the first day without sex, ok, like I have it all the time, but I did have it more than the average guy. I guess perhaps I should let you know what spurred this adventure, other than the fact of boys...Perhaps I have been having too much sex, not that it gives anyone the right to call me a slut, also, I am always using sex as a way to validate myself, to feel better, to fix what He broke (he here is in the universal sense, naturally). And, perhaps I should nit, not to find McVet, because lets face it, he just lets my dog that symbolizes McDreamy die reminding me of that relationship. Okay, enough with the Meredith metaphors. But really, I do need to fix me. I need to figure out what makes me feel the way I do. Why am I still hung up on these boys who are not worth it. Why am I a romantic, and is that something I am able to obtain, or is it something I am not willing to allow myself that pleasure. Barring the whole monkey theory that groups of gay men are a group of monkeys that during mating time the men gather and kill each other, but well, the Coles/Brian Kenny's out there without a soul, make us that are him, look bad. Ok, I know I am babeling but it is late. So, I sleep around a lot, perhaps this is something that is making me look bad, and it gives McDreamy something to fuel horrible fires about me to all the other gay Seattle Grace. But you know, really I just need to stop having sex so that when I do, perhaps I will find someone who can wait with me. Perhaps I will.