Brian: I'm not an asshole, I was just drawn that way.
Really I'm not a bad guy, but I became one, fucking was better than love because I wouldn't get hurt...ever...but I did. You see once you make that choice it's hard to be seen as anything else. There have been men who I have wanted to love but have not been able to because of the bad guy reputation. And those that see me as a good boy just want to fuck a bad boy. Why is life this way? Now, 8 years of my stay here I am very ready to leave. Almost as penniless as I came. How the hell do I get out of here? I am working on that. I'm behind on so many payments it hurts. My car is broken and life actually sucks more now then it did a sec ago, a minute ago, an hour, a day, a month, a year... wow, I'm hitting depression fast. I have to give up smoking for real now, I can't afford it. other than that, I'm having a hard time keeping up. Life just feels like it keeps wanting to beat me down from all fronts. My old bank I hate. My job. My love life. wow. I need some sleep, but I have to keep up working to pay the bills. Life has hit rock bottom on my front. Perhaps that's why love isn't important. Sorry, wanted this to make more sense but I am in the midst of trying to sort through my life and get it back together.
So throw up has landed on the page.
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