La vida

Michael: What is this ER, life and death in the same episode?  Queer as Folk Season 1

I really have forgotten myself recently.  I have turned into someone who I don't recognize.  I think that in some ways I am so much better than before, but so not who I wanted to be on the whole continuum of good and bad.  Recently I looked through my blogs.  How I used to right so passionately, creatively, and well just in general more than I write now.  Not that I am saying I want to go back to the "love of the loveless" blogs I started writing, but just feeling the groove of writing.  I feel like I have been throwing up on pages, words, just words.  Maybe a few have ideas I don't know.

I've been doing a lot of dancing recently, go figure ex chorus boy here.  More than that, I used to be a decent (not great, but decent) modern dancer.  I have recently met a few dancers and have been working with them.  Having a blast.  Not to mention I'm doing some fight choreography for a production of J & H.  Wow, its been so long since I have done a musical.  Granted I did fight Choreography for 7B47B not too long ago...and yes my guys were "Buck" ha ha.  But it feels like I'm going home for some reason, which is weird, considering my start was in Shakespeare, not musicals.

My best girl and I talked last night and she made the comment that going back home is viewed by most people as a failure.  Which I myself, if I had to go back to my hometown behind the pine curtain, would consider it a big defeat.  How sad is that?  That home is defeat, not joy and love.  I know the thought is we want to go off and make it big, because lets face it if you don't keep going, you are bound to end up a nobody in your home town right...ha ha ha, maybe, that's not for me to judge.   But that is the thought right?  I started thinking about what it would mean to me to move back.  My mamacita would love nothing else than for me to move back to town and teach High School Drama.   I would rather slit my wrists and die.  What does that say?  About me and more importantly about society that this is our first thought about going back to our home town?  Now, I know there are those out there who would love nothing else but to stay in their hometown, and I applaud you for going against society.  Thank you, but why do I feel the need to go.  The city has always called me, and what is more I am nomadic by nature.  So several cities call my name at once.

The city why do I love it so much?

Sometimes there is absolute comfort in not knowing anyone around you.  I feel that all the time when I am in a small town.  Oh yes, I did live in small and medium towns regularly.  So, I know more than anything that you can feel completely alone, and like you know no one around you in a small town.  These ketchey movies about going to a small town and falling in love don't fool me, it's not for everyone.  I understand that small towns are quaint, but I want rough, and vibrant, full of life and death in the same episode.  I want to feel again, like I am cast in the movie of my life and not a supporting character.  I think that is most people though the fight to stay the lead, and by lead to have meaning and value.

I do feel important, and I love my life, but now I need something new.

I feel the pull to go, and I am going to answer it, in either 5 months 5 days or 11 months 5 days.

For now, lets fix the boat, then think about setting sail.

Lestat