encontrar el tiempo

I could be a...a REAL man if I wanted to. Y'know, just...stop gesturing with my hands...lower my voice...never NEVER use words like, like "fabulous!" or "divine!"...talk about "nailing bitches" and "RBIs". But I'd rather my flame burn bright than be some puny little pilot light. ~ Emmett from QAF
 

So yeah, celibacy, what a freaking concept. Nothing is fun about it, just fyi.  It is Murphy's law that states that when you bring your umbrella out it will not rain...when you are celibate, it rains men.  Over the past week I have hung out with, or flirted with, or down right almost had sex with 3 men.  Ok, so maybe this is not news to anybody who has a different man every night, but considering I am in rehearsal 5 nights a week right now, working at 7:30 a.m., teaching 2 classes and running around trying to find a new day job.  Needless to say, I shouldn't have time for men at all.  I thought it would be easy this time to give men up.  so I am passed a week am I?  Who knew the man who just wanted sex, not a relationship could stop having sex?  I certainly didn't think this could happen, and yet, I do find myself more focused on work, perhaps because there is so much of it.  Perhaps because I am running around and have to be organized.  Or perhaps, because I am not obsessing over men. 

 

On a lighter note, I am not doing so well with the exercise.  I was waking up every morning meditating, jogging several blocks and then reading.  I had a respiratory infection last week, which is why I spent 2 days in bed.  yuck.  Not fun, and yet I haven't felt the need to exercise.  Perhaps because of the dancing and teaching and general running around, I don't feel I need it.  My gut says otherwise, but meh, since I am not looking for a man perhaps it is ok to let it go for a little while, at least until things settle down.

 

I also feel very gay proud this month.  Working with 2 local chapters of Gay/Straight Alliances I feel very tapped into the "Gay World."  It is pride week.  So it should be a time that I am feeling the pride.  I just realized thought that this means I will not be able to take anyone home for pride...sad day :(  oh well, just cuddle with my dog and figure it out.

 

Till next post.

 

el sexo nuevo

Daphne: Hi, I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan.
episode 106

So I didn't get up and do my meditation today, I know and it gets worse. So last night I was cleaning and I start getting text from someone I think is someone else...glad that wasn't too hard to go with...so needless to say I put on something nice and head over to the local dive and start searching for Miguel. Which btw happy birthday :), however it was not Miguel but a lost boy who I had just posted about last night. We talked, sang horrible karaoke (side note one of my favorite pastimes), played pool and he weird enough wants to be a guru...HA HA HA. Now note although I feel that some people are meant to be a guru, I think his training is not up to par. Even more hysterical is that I have been thinking about celibacy now for a few days. No, no not for life just for a month or 3 to figure things out. So have we figured where this is all leading? Yes I spent the night with him. Now, I will preface this by saying, we did not have sex. I became o drunk I ended up passing out. I know not the smartest thing to do but good because I totally trust him and knew that he would be ok with just cuddling. Which btw Matthew and I had just had a conversation about the day before. Its not so much that I don't want sex, but that I really want good sex. I'm tired of going home with someone having bad, sloppy sex and sneaking out later (which btw I did sneak out this morning but more so that I could get home and not out of shame...ok so a little shame). So now my house is a mess still I'm behind on teaching my class and I'm behind on choreography for my show. so why the hell am I writing? Because its the only thing I can do at this moment. That and to officially motivate myself to write and to create and to get out that I Lestat Oberon am going to be celibate for 3 months. Now masturbation I will say does not count. So yeah, let's see how this experiment goes.

amigos y fuego

Ted: I could fix you up with my sister but she looks like me in a dress...(QAF)

I have been reading a lot lately and wondering about things. I just finished Eat Pray Love and was excited to find someone who shares my thoughts on spirituality, and since the book was a success, realize that many people find this same thoughts on spirtuality :). I have been doing a lot of cleaning out in my life, as I have mentioned earlier, but it seems that like Liz I too have acquired some friends everywhere I go. My family has grown here and I will miss them all. From the lost boys I still hang out with, you know who you are and I love you, to the therapist I have met along the way, I have enjoyed your "couches" and to the unbelievable thinkers. To Matt, for reminding me that I want to love my best friend...even if you aren't the best friend I am suppose to be in love with, but that there is one like you. I am so thankful to my Italy...Spain, to my Rome: Texas I will always love you, but can not live there with you, and to my Bali, Seattle don't fail me when I get there.

To my loves, both sexual and non, I am thankful to you all for many reasons.

To my mistakes, because I have learned and am still learning from you.

And to my dog...may you always bring me as much joy, as you always do...

That's it... just thank you

Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright. QAF

So, i got pissed off the other day and haven't written a blog in a few. I had the best blog, and it was erased.  BAWLS!!! So, I have been trying to recreate it, but alas it is gone.  Between sleeping, drinking and planning for classses (I will be teaching this fall again) I have been pretty worn out.  Yes, that is really what I have been doing, with work from 7:30 to 4:30 thrown in there.  I am amazed at how much I have been sleeping.  I am going to be around 7 p.m. and waking up at 3 a.m., or if its a drinking night staying up till 12 and sleeping till 6 a.m.  What is wrong with me?  I think it has to do with the fact that I am not in a show currently.  Soon that will change, but as for now, I am a free man.  My mister and me are not on speaking terms, ha ha, j/k, I'm still finishing up the finals of the company I run.   Come on, zeesh, you thought I was just going to walk away.  OH NO NO NO, puta. But my exhaustion does have me questioning myself.  Am I getting too old to do what I want to do.  I hope not. I'm only about to be 30.  I jus tneed to get stress out of my life.  The stress I don't care about, the stress from the normal 9 to 5 j.o.b.  :(  And I think I am working that well.  We shall see though.  Anyway, it has to be a quick post. 

I'm off.

L

La vida

Michael: What is this ER, life and death in the same episode?  Queer as Folk Season 1

I really have forgotten myself recently.  I have turned into someone who I don't recognize.  I think that in some ways I am so much better than before, but so not who I wanted to be on the whole continuum of good and bad.  Recently I looked through my blogs.  How I used to right so passionately, creatively, and well just in general more than I write now.  Not that I am saying I want to go back to the "love of the loveless" blogs I started writing, but just feeling the groove of writing.  I feel like I have been throwing up on pages, words, just words.  Maybe a few have ideas I don't know.

I've been doing a lot of dancing recently, go figure ex chorus boy here.  More than that, I used to be a decent (not great, but decent) modern dancer.  I have recently met a few dancers and have been working with them.  Having a blast.  Not to mention I'm doing some fight choreography for a production of J & H.  Wow, its been so long since I have done a musical.  Granted I did fight Choreography for 7B47B not too long ago...and yes my guys were "Buck" ha ha.  But it feels like I'm going home for some reason, which is weird, considering my start was in Shakespeare, not musicals.

My best girl and I talked last night and she made the comment that going back home is viewed by most people as a failure.  Which I myself, if I had to go back to my hometown behind the pine curtain, would consider it a big defeat.  How sad is that?  That home is defeat, not joy and love.  I know the thought is we want to go off and make it big, because lets face it if you don't keep going, you are bound to end up a nobody in your home town right...ha ha ha, maybe, that's not for me to judge.   But that is the thought right?  I started thinking about what it would mean to me to move back.  My mamacita would love nothing else than for me to move back to town and teach High School Drama.   I would rather slit my wrists and die.  What does that say?  About me and more importantly about society that this is our first thought about going back to our home town?  Now, I know there are those out there who would love nothing else but to stay in their hometown, and I applaud you for going against society.  Thank you, but why do I feel the need to go.  The city has always called me, and what is more I am nomadic by nature.  So several cities call my name at once.

The city why do I love it so much?

Sometimes there is absolute comfort in not knowing anyone around you.  I feel that all the time when I am in a small town.  Oh yes, I did live in small and medium towns regularly.  So, I know more than anything that you can feel completely alone, and like you know no one around you in a small town.  These ketchey movies about going to a small town and falling in love don't fool me, it's not for everyone.  I understand that small towns are quaint, but I want rough, and vibrant, full of life and death in the same episode.  I want to feel again, like I am cast in the movie of my life and not a supporting character.  I think that is most people though the fight to stay the lead, and by lead to have meaning and value.

I do feel important, and I love my life, but now I need something new.

I feel the pull to go, and I am going to answer it, in either 5 months 5 days or 11 months 5 days.

For now, lets fix the boat, then think about setting sail.

Lestat

Diatribas y delirios

Giving yourself some time. Something that is very important to me now, but was not before.

Before:

Rushing, flowing, chaos. This was what spurned my creativity and still in many ways does. I would push through all night if it took to get to where I needed to go. Finalizing things as I went and working towards a huge goal of getting the job done. I think that this was one of my greatest gifts. As the great Anne Bogart once said, "I give myself from the back of the theatre to the front of the stage to figure out the problem." I think this is one of the most important lessons I learned in theatre. The moment of now, deciding in that second. Seeing that things created on the spot were 90% of the time better and more natural than creating a huge experience that doesn't work, because you have to change that inevitably.

Now:

I feel like I plan more and watch more. Which has its strength with structure it is much more easy to make those changes. Create something knew. Being open to change, but planning for the future. My problem with the before is that I was using the spontaneity before the planning. Now, I am planning before the spontaneity.

Which is better?

Future:

Hopefully a healthy dose of both.

I hope, which is all I have right now.

Sorry another throw up of the mouth blog, something I am needing to do in writing right now.

I am searching through the tunnel for a ray of light. See you guys when I come out.

Lestat

Ameliorate: to make better to improve.

I wish to ameliorate myself.

trabajo para el fin de semana

If you want to hit me go right ahead. Justin from Queer as Folk


You should never work for something you were a part of when u were younger. Let me clarify, don't work for the places you like. You would never say, "I love eating at this resturant, so I should work here.". The sad part is we as humans do this all the time. You would think that this would be the case, but humans as usual are completely wrong. I have found that working for a place you idolize is much like worshiping a person they will let you down. I had problems with this growing up, so its no surprise I have problems with working at places I used to love. What was I thinking? But its much worse than just getting let down, it breaks a spirit. I know I have been broken. Perhaps its as my mother says, "Lestat, you feel too much." She is very right I do feel too much. I work hard and play harder, but the playing is winding down and the working is growing. I know my whole office area feels it. We are doing more and more with less and less. But what of that, when at the end of the day it needs to be done. Normally I would be so ready to take on the task. Recently however, because I work at some place I attended, and it has changed from such an open university to a cold unfeeling one (at least to the employees), that I don't want to go into work. And I know I am not the only one. I know my AD's just went to talk to the Director today about the state of moral in the office. No one wants to work anymore, but the ones at the top. I feel a deserting phase about to hit again. It happens in business and it looks like it will again here.

IDK, well, I'm heading out again so till tomorrow.

Lestat

el mal chico

Brian: I'm not an asshole, I was just drawn that way.

Really I'm not a bad guy, but I became one, fucking was better than love because I wouldn't get hurt...ever...but I did. You see once you make that choice it's hard to be seen as anything else. There have been men who I have wanted to love but have not been able to because of the bad guy reputation. And those that see me as a good boy just want to fuck a bad boy. Why is life this way? Now, 8 years of my stay here I am very ready to leave. Almost as penniless as I came. How the hell do I get out of here? I am working on that. I'm behind on so many payments it hurts. My car is broken and life actually sucks more now then it did a sec ago, a minute ago, an hour, a day, a month, a year... wow, I'm hitting depression fast. I have to give up smoking for real now, I can't afford it. other than that, I'm having a hard time keeping up. Life just feels like it keeps wanting to beat me down from all fronts. My old bank I hate. My job. My love life. wow. I need some sleep, but I have to keep up working to pay the bills. Life has hit rock bottom on my front. Perhaps that's why love isn't important. Sorry, wanted this to make more sense but I am in the midst of trying to sort through my life and get it back together.

So throw up has landed on the page.

El Buen Chico

Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up. ~Queer as Folk

Ok so I'm not Italian or Drag Queen, but somedays it feels like it.

So many movies about good guys...they are overrated and so are the bad. I've been both. Oh I have stories. Lots of stories that I will soon be sharing perhaps that is what this blog will become, The Adventures of Lestat Oberon...Man Repellant. ha ha. Although it did not always be like this. Way back in the dark ages when I went to high school I was a mild guy who wanted to blend in and be normal. I think this is true of most kids my age that grew up a little different then those around them. I quickly was known by everyone, because of my sister being 3 years older than me it was hard to be a wallflower. I was the good guy...I landed the hottest out gay guy in, well, the next town over. He, I thought was a good boy too...ha ha...love the hindsight is 20/20. He was, just eager to get out of the small town we grew up in. It was a magical moment where I meet him and there was an instant attraction. A friend hooked us up (note, now I think it is a horrable idea to hook friends up and I won't do it, sorry guys but my little black book and my little addie book is not open for dating services). We started with instant messanger...I know what is that now, ha ha, I think we have all forgotten. If we haven't forgotten, maybe we should. I remember him inviting me over to his house for the first time. We used his parents hot tub for some foreplay and yes, we had an amazing night...(notice the ... used here is not my usual ...). He was the first boy around my age that had it, new what he wanted and did something about it. He now is in law, liquidations I believe. Fancy. Needless to say he was also my first major break up, on New Year's Eve. Perhaps that is why I go all out and have great NYE parties now.

It was then that I realized good guys never win, so I took a Brian Kenny (note at this time I had no idea who he was) approach on life, or as Emmitt puts it, "Fuck 'em all."

Then comes college, but that will have to be tomorrow.

L

el salir

Miss manors might not approve, but with six brothers and sisters it's how I kept my belly full. Emmitte (qaf season 2).

So life isn't what I made it out to be. Thought phenomonalogy worked or maybe it did and I was too unfocused to create the real world I wanted. Funny how this is. I created a world where ideas of what I wanted made it, not the actual full picture. Purhaps that is exactly how phenomonalogy works. It's been so long since I graduated I sometimes forget what I studied and have to relook over it. ha ha. Not that anyone else does that. So pieces of my world have been created now and I look back and see that now I need to focus on how to create it, and live in the now (thank you rewatching Ben circa season 2 of Queer as Folk...).

Reduction:

I have been reducing the things in my life to little...first rule of moving is...the less you have to move...the less you have to move. Finding out that it is hard to part with things has always been my problem. Recently, I have been very open to letting things go. Perhaps that is why the company I created was so easy to let go. I plan on becoming as Bhuddist as I possibly can when it comes to worldly possessions. I don't want to move with anything I don't need. Which is important in many ways because over the last year I have been working on getting rid of sentimental but not needed crap. Not to say that everything that is sentimental is crap, just some of it doesn't let us make the past our past. I am looking forward to finding a peace in having less, because I have recently been living with more.

Well for now I will have to put away this blog and move one.

el comenzar otra vez

Mysterious Marilyn: God writes the scripts, sweetie, I just read the lines.

Five years later and I hope that you find him standing at your doorway...telling you the same thing you said to me...

So life has been interesting since I've taken a hiatus from writing. I started a company, I watched it grow, and watched it grow into something I never wanted it to be. I cannot tell you how ready I am to let it go. I watched close friends turn into horrible people, strangers turn into best friends and life become an interesting circus of fun and excitement.

Five years that feel like ten and I still don't know if it was him or me who left.

I put my love life on hiatus, or rather should I say, fell into a string of men who would never work out. I have now labeled myself man repellent. Given up on love, fell in love with men and got my heart broken, because, well I'm man repellent and they don't love me back. I missed chances and let men go...yes, I can admit that now, I did miss out on several loves, because of life, and life in the theatre...

I dusted the print off and saw myself in the young man full of anger.

When I look back at the art I made, it is a sense of pride, there is no regret in what I did, but doing it for what, for myself...selfish...for my friends...did I want their love???did I do it for the art...was it that good or am I looking through the goggles of nostalgia? I don't remember why I started, but I know why I did it in the end for all the reasons listed. Was I wrong, Am I right to feel guilt...maybe...All I know is that I had a wonderful time, a horrible time and a hell of a lot of craziness that would make up the last five years. It was worth it to see the art and the love that I have seen happen with the theatre. I will now close this chapter, and move on to another chapter...or maybe just revisit a time before owning a company.

And then he left me...the gods forbid in earnest shall we say...

So, I will soon be leaving the shores of Spain to go back stateside. Yes, I am coming home, in a way. Growing up in Texas was not an easy task. So, I'm now I'm taking a huge leap of faith and when I visited my friends fell in love with a new place far away from Texas and quite a bit more blue than the lone star state. As long as I have felt like I was in a different world I'm no longer in a different world, this has become my home and its time to set sail again. become nomadic again. become new again.

We shall see. As for now, lets see if I can post again tomorrow.