The hammer

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too. (QAF Episode 403)

I don't know when or where we learn hurt or pain, but eventually we all do. Eventually the lies of a golden perfect world die out and the bitter prune world come into being. As an artist I am very familure with distruction and pain, hell, its half our twisted lives until we learn to grow up and let the art flow through us. We don't have to be this misguided/misunderstood artist who wears black and smokes and has twenty cups of coffe in one day and still has no energy. Its the idea of destroy to create. I don't understand why I as a person always feel like I have to destroy a thing to create something new for me or that I must destroy myself to create a new me. This isn't true, it is one (albeit dangerous) road. It is something recently I have been trying to avoid. For those of you who read another public blog of mine, I talk of the hitting ourselves with a hammer and how we love it. Not because we need the pain, but because it feels so good when we stop. For that I am the worst at. I like the rush the feel of exhaustion after a long hard days work, but this exhaustion from personal pain I don't like. I don't like seeing a can of campbell's soup in my room that I have brought in from my car and feeling the memories wash over me and then having to pull myself out of the memories to become a normal person again. I didn't lose someone, I left someone. There shouldn't be this much pain from leaving. It should be easy. It should be quicker pain, like ripping off a band aid. But instead we pull out the old hammer again. It doesn't help to be an artist when all of this is going on. Because we have a natural hammer working at us...When are we cast now, when do we get through rehearsals, the director is too hard, the director hates me, I can't find motivation, boo-hoo, then the release of performance comes and all is lifted. We forget somethings. The hammer is taken away and we get the bows. And then back to the hammer. I think Dr. Grey from Grey's Anatomy said it best, "There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."

Perhaps I am not as smart as I think

Brian: Why can't we just stay here and cuddle? (QAF Episode: 513)

I have been so confused lately, and it is my own fault. I am jack's lack of enthusiasm. It seems I should be listening to the councel of my friends, but instead I have been working towards my own stupidity. I know when things are hot and that I shouldn't touch, but it is the intrigue that keeps me going to it. I must explore. I make mistakes to learn...I am afraid this may be my undoing. I seek too much. I explore too much and don't realize the effects the journey has on me. I don't realize how much I can get hurt and that my appetite for life might sicken.

I won't say that I think the moment your heart breaks you should cease to exist. I don't believe that anymore. Mainly, because my heart has broken too much, and I know I can't die, I just have to pull myself up by my boot straps and go on. But, like a stupid boy that I am I try too hard for the things that cannot make me happy. Boys that cannot make me happy.

And to be completely overly dramatic, I will say, perhaps there is not someone that will make me happy. Maybe I need to give up on it, because it will come if it will and if it won't, I have no control over it. It is something I am afraid of, losing control. But this is one thing I have to loose control of...And besides, I have a life to live. I have places to go, a life to live. And I want that, life, career, and more...but I guess I will settle for two things I am very thankful for: life and career.

Let's focus on that for now...

Soy un fregadero desenchufado

Honestly, I think walk around with a sign on my head that reads either, "soy estupido" or "Lastimeme, yo no cuidan." And for those of you espanol majors out there, I know I don't use the accents, they eff up my html, so boo whore. Back to my useless life. I know I am egocentric, I thought that was why you read, it's obviously why I write.

Yesterday, the good little boy traveled to work at 7:00am hoping to discover the meaning of life, for he was always looking. At work he found wonders of coffee and a shoulder he could cry on, however he had forgotten his lunch and gold fishees. You see he had just gone to bed at 5:00 that same morning (The moral of this part of the story is he got to work on time). From being too drunk and playing the role of Meredith Grey. Quickly he left

Interuption: in todays news, my boss just pasted through and I gave her an update, and she just ask me if I was talking to her. She appologized and said she wasn't even listening...and my response was, right now, no one I want to listen is, so why should you be any different...pity party of one...dear diary, right, well that is what this is.

Quckly he left for class answering a text from BJ, who hopes he has a good day after such a crazy night, U 2, said Lestat who doesn't mention the fact that he is a bit put off BJ didn't sleep in the bed last night. 2 classes later and Lestat finds out that BJ texted are you mad? No I am not Aron asshole. but Lestat ends up going to his work to see him, Lestat validates this by buying a bday present for his niece. He is so clever. After shopping and eating, it's on to rehearsal and then to grey's anatomy where our hero spends the whole night crying and texting BJ who is "talking to his boyfriend online." We end the night on the phone. So, I am the other woman, and I am just waiting for him to leave.

Fast forward to a conversation with Jake. I know he's a player, but I am not going to see him. I am not going to go out with him this week...

and I relize, I am only trying to convense myself.

El rey de gris

Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them.
(QAF, Episode 407)

When did I become Meredith Grey? So, I did that thing you aren't suppose to do. I did it. he hears the laughs from the peanut galarie and realizes that he must explain which thing. Well, it was many things. I wasn't suppose to kiss him, or sleep with him, or tell him I was falling for him a dramatic pause of gasps you see it all happened so unnaturally...So positively crazily...That we forgot to stop pretending.

It happened last night our Peter Pan attitude shifted. A series of numbers and it was over. 1, 2, 7, 18... The price of the beer, the number of people in love, the number of months that one of the 2 had been in love, the number of beers consumed by 4 wait I left a number out, perhaps for the better. That is right there were 4 people who left the bar together and three that stayed over last night and 2 on couches and one (myself) in bed. What a circle.

I have been loosing weight and gaining inches if that is possible. I stand at 137 a mere 2 pounds till I have my goal weight and I still can't get past the 32 in mark. Now usually I would agree for the small person to shut the eff up, but recently I was 36-38 in and 180 pounds on a frame that was never over 135 and 28 in. I want my last 2 in off. I know I am a bastard. But we covered that in me sleeping with a man who is attached. Thanks, Bitch, table for one, ummmm bye now.

When did it become not so easy to dump a guy, especially one that isn't available. Perhaps, it is because he has treated me better by being with someone else than any single man has treated me before? It is probably true. I am a dreadful bore. Since I feel for a taken man, does that mean in a few years I will go after a wife beater and be the wife???

I have so many questions today and I know none of them can be answered, and in fact I am okay with this.

Finish coffee, spell check, and move on...

En un agujero

Brandon: If I win, I get back into Babylon. And what if I lose?
Brian: Then I get into you. (QAF Episode: 507)

A pill box lid opens as I take a Tylenol to protect my head from my hang over. It seems to me that I have had quite a long silence from the last blog. Wake up at 6:00 am to the sounds of 4 alarm clocks twisting my insides, take out puppies if I can wake up or vote to wait until the roomies wake up. Momentary lapses and I go shower 7:15 in my car, fumando. The taste is good in my boca but I realize I have one day to quit and my breath with stink for years. I've quit before, the taste lingers in your mouth. Every so often when you catch the smell of a moment that you enjoyed with a long stick of cancer in a time when you were young and untouchable and your mouth fill with the taste of the ashtray. despertar suenos de fumar. Better not to think about this aqui, no you are parallel parking on the curb. And you start your decent up to work, it is 10 minutos till 8, and you realize you only live 5 min away from work. Your visions go to the night, what did you do. Los besos en una boca, la brasos, su penga. What happened to the idea that I was going to take it slow, as to actually build something worthwhile rather than have some sex fest with someone I care about until I wake up bored and realize that you’re cheating on me? Hello Hailey, big fake smile as I run past la puerta en mi oficina. Get my mind out of the micro world and into the land of the dead, los secreterios. I am a glorified receptionist, I am so effing happy. Run down the day, hour for lunch, a grad class here or there una hora por dinner. I rehearse at 6 with 2 five min breaks and then straight at nine work till 2, get into my car to go to a bed with a man I spent the last two weeks with sleeping next to him want to touch him and not, until last night. I'm a slut, but so was he. We both made that decision. To quote a great band, “I just can't sleep alone..." but is it because of him or me?

I get distracted by el guapo extra. He's talking of nothing important and I don't really thing he needs to do that, better seen not heard. He's blonde, figuratively.

I walk look back on the opening of my shows this week and realize, is this it, is this what I worked so hard for. I am proud of them, but was it worth it after the cups the marmalade the tea, perhaps some talk of you and me.

I sip more coffee and ponder, I am so effing pretentious.

I'm Back

"This is not going to be another one of those 'Queer as Folk' pep talks, is it?" Ari to Lloyd on "Entourage."


As I sit here and look around at the world around me I think, it has been too long since I have posted a blog. I am a bit overwhelmed by school now. I am up to my neck in producing a series of short plays and I am a bit on edge. I don't have much to post now, but hopefully this will get the ball rolling again.

no fumar

no fumar
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

title: no fumar

QAF
Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here? (Ep. 120)

Open to the toilet seat every night. I started about a week and a half ago. Waking, not being able to breathe, puking because of it. I thought I was just sick. Open a bottle of meds pop the Nyquil or Dayquil, try to sleep for 2 hours and get back to work. Grad school is demanding. I finally went to the doctors 3 or 4 days after this started, okay I wasn't going to go until I puked the blood. I went to the doctors to get a Z-Pac and go home. But what I received was what I feared most.

Enter Asthma stage right. The ghost that I had defeated in the past, my Voldemort. Now, newly revived. I had to start a breathing treatment immediately.

Flashback to when I was a kid, on the floor with a breathing machine watching Sesame Street.

I sat in the room hooked up to a breathing machine thinking of the statements the doctors made. You have the breath of a small child, a girl small child. She scoffs and asks how I ever was a dancer or had enough breath to act.

I remember the hospitals, the nights of not breathing, and the millions of reasons why I can't have asthma again.

My voice is still gone, scratchy, and not up to do a show. I have only a few weeks to the role of my life and I may have f*cked it up royally.

This is why I now have no fumar in my life. It is officially day 5 since I threw the fags away. My breathing is better. I haven't had an attack in 2 days. I use an inhaler 4 times a day for now, and have a set of pills that make me real dizzy. One in the morning and one at night. I am not to operate heavy machinery and I am glad I don't have a boyfriend right now.

I wake up and move on. I miss the first drag of a fag in the morning, or with a pint. I will not lie; this is the worst feeling of my life wanting something that is killing me. I feel so stupid, but I was for smoking in the first place. eh.

I am reading the book A Million Little Pieces. It's about an addict in rehab. Now, I don't feel so bad about myself and seeing what he went through makes me feel a little silly about wanting a fag so much. But I still do. And even people in rehab get to smoke.

Bitter, party of one...

I danced yesterday and although I was dizzy from the meds...I was happy...

fade out, cue inspiring music, go cry in the dark corner...

QAF Quote:
Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (Episode: 313)

This is how I feel...

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 11:00am, Yes all be jealous, but know that this is the first in a while of me getting up this late.

2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS ? Neither, don't really care for them.

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Harry Potter

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. show? The only show on TV: LOST, Nip/Tuck is a close 2nd.

5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Nothing today.

6. What IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Scott

7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Mexican

8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Not much, turnips and beats

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? Salt and Vinigar

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? The Joshua Tree, has and will be my favorite for a while, long live U2

11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Ford Escort ZX2

12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? PBAJ (apple jelly)

13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Ego

14. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU LOVE MOST? Hope

15. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Anything that looks good on me, and looks better off ;)

16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Prague or Barcelona

17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? Black white and green

18. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? I love me some Merona, ie cheap Metro/gay where that looks hot, business/chiq

19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? Spain or Hawaii

20. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? The one with the least presents and most friends, as of now I cannot tell you the year.

21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? futball, and no I didn't mispell it to the American readers it is soccer. And rugby.

22. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? Well, this is suppose to be an email, but I am lazy and like to blog. So you tell me leave a response!!

23. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? again leave a response and put this on your blog!!

24. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? see above

25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 23 Nov

26. WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?? Of what?

27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? I'm a nightie he he

28. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 8

29. ANY PETS? I have joint custody of a mini pinnie

30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Found a nice little pub last night and yes, I gave the bartender my number...

31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Indiana Jones

32. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired, too many Grad papers

33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? something with caramel and almonds, mmmmmm

34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? I love fire and ice roses, but birds of paradise are so beautiful

35. WHAT IS A DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? Honestly? Not sure- yet.

36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Czech Republic.

37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? Baths, reading outside and being around close friends

atrapado

dull friday blues...I saved this draft to edit later, well maybe not edit but to finish. Work is good...better if I am not there...

en el agotamiento

QAF Quote:
Brian: Who told you I was here, Rosencrantz or Guildenstern? (Episode: 201)

Open to a dark room piled with books. This is the life of a grad student. Yes pouring over thousand of pieces of literature and information in the attempt to get a nice little MA degree. Yeah! I am so happy!

Box that lie and sell it on ebay.

I feel so behind. I have so much to do. Procrastination sucks. Okay, being just plain busy sucks.

To my dear Babs, we need to get away. I miss talking to you everyday. I haven't heard your voice in so long.

Box a tear and send it to her.

I have been writing in chopped blocks so much right now. And I have to finish up this script soon. I have an amazing new scene being constructed in my head. Should be putting that down on paper right now, but will have to wait for a second. It starts with the line from Prufrock

And the evening sleeps so peacefully...

I think Michel knows the women that G talks with and they talk to him. Maybe. Haven't decided. But I am 2 scenes ahead of myself. Not that I have written it in order, or maybe I did. Check out the order soon. Give a copy to a friend, a critic and finally to myself...no sleep...coffee after coffee. And yes I have measured out my life in coffee spoons and I do hear the voices dying with a dying fall and HAVE presumed...

I have been giving thought to what is worth it the last few days. What is worth my time?

Spent time with good friends the other night, with Juanita and Lucia what a great time, but of course Lucia has to look up my birthday and tell me about myself. I am so textbook when I read horoscopes and such. It sucks. That's my American phrase today. It sucks, okay backspace the negativity. I didn't take time to create my day. I also didn't get to run. I feel crazy. Maybe when I get in tonight I will have time. But I need to study lines, get my orals ready, and write some papers. boo... oh well,

cheers guys,

L

funcionamiento en vacío

Quote from QAF:
Ted: Crunchy granola? Are you girls trying to convert me? (Episode: 402)


Scene opens in darkness...

a light shines on the stage and gives it form...

I will learn how to create my day as well if not better than my plays...

great I'm doing poetry again...

Jump out of bed and put on a marshmellow outfit to run. I am trying to do it for 40 days. Keep the Turkey day pounds off, Christmas pounds off and to sound more enlightened...on the jog I stop thinking... only the huffs ring in my ears...

It is an iteresting sensation going on a run. Low in breath, so you breath in so much your lungs fill with oxygen and send blood to the brain. Euforia, adrinaline and a general state of high settles.

I run out of breath quickly...thoughts flood me again, why am I still a smoker, asthma sucks, and I start to walk.

Thoughts of things I need to do, creations for the day run into my head...I leave the area I am walking in and travel through my brain...does this make me sound smart, am I deep...wait backspace, that is what I am thinking now. I finish my walk and go to deposit in my account. I am getting low. Need more cash...

I stop by the 99 peso store to grab something, it's closed, nothing in the fabric shop next to it, I decide to take a walk to a store next door and look around for a bit.

I try the door, no one there, only a few minutes till they open I start to wait and hear a friendly voice. Valencia is there.

"36, you told someone I was 36!" I said as I hugged her neck. We talked in her car as we waited to go inside. Inside the store we found nothing but friendship and reconnection. We exchanged numbers again and will start work soon.

Fly to school. I have no time and forget 3 things before leaving. I don't have my lines down as well as I want to. Damn.

Onto work, am met with a sad story. Need to help, don't know how. Hope it is well with you if this screen can connect to you...hug...

I see my co-worker come in and I want to grab a break so I can eat. He runs out. Not in the literal sense, he just left for an errand. What a day.

Sicopático

Sicopático
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Ben: Are you okay?
Michael: I don't know. I just can't seem to settle down, you know? Too much excitement, I guess.
Ben: Ah. Has been pretty eventful.
Michael: No shit. My head is spinning. The Ride and the baby and the wedding.
Ben: Can you believe we're really married?
Michael: Are we? Really?
Ben: Of course we are.
Michael: But we don't live in Canada. We live here. So, is it still real?
Ben: Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?
Michael: So worth it. (Episode: 414)
:: submitted by kalindy

open page...

In recent events Texas has just banned gay marriage...again...

Change subject quickly as to avoid hostel situation...

I am recently living in a haze. I have finally come to a place in theatre where I am extremely happy. I am very excited about Romeo and Juliet. I am the fight choreographer and playing Mercutio. The guys have been working hard and learning the choreography...I am in hog heaven...

haze lifts for a moment and I realize how tired I am. I look at my school and begin to realize this might not be the place for me...knowing I have only a year left leaves me happy and I think of the life I will have soon...

Destination unknown...

Along with the many million Americans I have become entranced with Lost. I have connected with it and getting on a plane will never be the same. I will always have to think, will I survive and in what state?

Page break and pause to think of something else witty to say...

I feel my life coming to a slow drag these days. I am tired of being the sweet little person everyone loves, but I still long to be that person. I am torn inside. Part of me is very glad Seussical is over. Backspace line should read I am very glad Seussical is over. pause, mind shifts to a post mortem for the show that is happening tonight. I can't be there... Another rehearsal conflicts. But I really need to be there. I also should be typing up a letter of why I am not there and what I want to say. I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about that show. I don't like to be a diva bitch, but if I am forced to play that role I will. I did act first.

Realization that I am beating a dead horse and not wanting to complain...

Attention again to R&J, and I remember all I have to do tonight. I want to take a nap.

Work is almost over...I feel like Ted from Queer as Folk when at work...I walk around like I am dead inside...Its because I am...

End Transcript Sign off

I do this all the time when I can't get a hold of people I know and love...

en la calle

en la calle
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Michael: If you don't answer it he'll go away.
Brian: You said I was welcome anytime. (Queer as Folk Episode: 302)

It has been one of those times, when I have flown off to Neverland. I am Peter Pan by the way, the boy that never grew up.

After watching, no backspace, crying through Finding Neverland, I remember why Theatre is the only place for me. I will never grow up...

...J.M. Barrie: [watching George react to the knowledge that his mother is seriously ill] Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds... you became a grown-up...

But Peter does grow up, and I remember the moment I did. I was too young. We are always too young when we do...I remember long summers with my mother. My sister is dyslexic and had to go to Sylvan. It never hindered her in school and she grew up one of the most popular girls, no one ever knowing the first years of her life living with a "learning handicap." She was cured, because that is what happens to diseases, but I digress as that is another story. My mother would take me with her to the neighboring town as my sister went to the learning center. Our "biggest small town in the world" had no such center. We would go and look at sheet music in the piano stores, shop, go to the bookstores, and eat TCBY ice cream as my sister toiled away working on learning. It was later that my mother took me back to this town to do these things when my sister was all grown up, that I began to realize it was her way watching me grow up. With each new time I learned more.

Later when Christianity took over my life... (I am still a believer, my views have just shifted)...I became in my mother's words, "the spiritual leader" in our family. I was set off to do great things...

...later when I left "The Calling" I was to do great things in theatre, and now I have specialized fields she has labeled I will do great things in...

...I remember realizing that I was to take charge, which is why I do so now...I rush in, I make things right...I protect people and make sure they know...

...backspace once again, when my sister was in high school I had to help her with her homework every night...I remember never having to study, but studying what my sister needed, as I had to help her...
...My sister and I were never in high school together...I went in the year after she left...

...new page...

I shift endlessly down a street as others walk by and do not notice me...I am spending much of my time working on things to fill up my life, forgetting the one life that should have meaning to me, my own...but I have known for too long...it's why I don't have a boyfriend...I am already married, and my husband is very jealous and keeps me locked in his attention...Senior Theatre and his little boy Peter Pan...

...save draft in folder, title it, notes on my life...

I will tuck it away for when I need to write my autobiography, or maybe get a play started...but for now I will go on...I wasn't suppose to type any of this...

...new post to be written I entitle it en la calle, because I want to write about this cool pic, but will end up writing superficial crap...

Seussical is going well. I am happy to busy my life away, and have enjoyed several new learning experiences that this process has begun to show me... I truly am looking for the "Tower of Learning." What a process. Several new and exciting people in my life and they are helping me, I thank them with all my heart. I have climbed a latter...grown up a little...I feel Peter Pan fading away...I watched Finding Neverland tonight and long to become young again, but the moment has passed, when I was too young to remember...

...insert story...

...insert point...

...marvel at my wittiness and wait for someone to comment, because I crave attention and need love...

...I wrap up the post, spell check it, look through the words and find better ones...

...look over realize I have my wonderful dog here (I have joint custody, long story for another time) and remember that life is worth living hug and kiss on him and then we both go to bed...

adiós

adiós
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Melanie: It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is (Queer as Folk, Episode 406).

Sometimes, I get the feeling that the act of communication is dead. Yes, what my life has turned into is, "a failure to communicate." So, much is dependent on the act of communicating. Too bad we as human spend so much time learning how to only to give it up when we don't care.

Doctor: It's a priapism, a blood clot to the penis.
Emmett: Well that's better than a blood clot to the head.
Ted: Unless you think with your dick(Queer as Folk, Episode 209).

So many times have I said goodbye because of the lack of this simple, easy connection two people can make. I get mad at few things in my life enough to exit a situation. One, when I am under-appreciated. Two, when I am not wanted around. Finally, three is the discontinuation of fellowship.

It is not unknown that I run with a tight group of people I consider to be close to me. I tell them everything and more. I consider them advisors, cadre, familia, coterie, morale boosters, and most of all supporters of me. I expect them to question me and fight me, but to also see my side of things. If we differ on opinion then lets talk it out. If we agree to disagree then so be it. Sometimes we fight tooth and nail at things, but in the end we can communicate through things and remain amigos.

Because of this it is with no ease that I let one leave and exit my life. It is not my nature to be gregarious with friends I have loved as brothers...

...it feels like a vast vortex in my heart. I feel hurt...

...however, as I close a door tonight in my life, I turn the light on. Hoping that one so inclined will knock and after time be invited back in. I don't believe in burning bridges, however I do think of ends as sand upon a beach. Maybe, hopefully, oneday the sand will return and restore my shore. So too can friends come back and restore themselves. It takes time, but that is a valuable commodity so few are willing to give up. But, if the heart is willing it will be rewarded.

The light is on, and I am home.

cheers

cheers
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Jennifer: He told the therapist that he likes dick.
Debbie: See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again! (Queer as Folk, Episode 105)

Let's have a round for Lestat. He has finished cutting out Babs' muslin dress pattern for Seussical!!! Now I only have to put it together and try it on her! Superboy was real excited about my finds and I have most of whoville done. Yeah for small victories.

I am becoming much happier, even with my current perdicament. See earlier posts. My other show is going well. We had a breakthrough. I saw a spark hit them and they know now what this little play can be. Yeah for me as a director.

I saw 2 old friends this weekend. Had a great time at the bar on Sunday night. Let's just say, I walked home...

Okay, so as you can tell this blog is a, let's cheer Lestat up one. I can't wait for tomorrow night for drinks with Babs. It will be wonderful. I am sure. I have missed her so much and haven't been able to see her much since our trip to "The City" a few weeks ago.

I have been doing a lot of remembering of Prague. I miss it so much. To be there again and to experience it. The life and passion it brought out in me. What great times. My writing is at a stand still, but hey, what's new?

Life is getting better...I hope. I really want to see Emily Rose and piss my pants soon. Hopefully that will happen.

Rezo

rezo
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Eileen: I was walking to work.
Robert: I had taken the subway like always.
Brian: My brother and I were fighting.
Rich: I was standing right there.
Casey: We were asleep; we had just made love and dozed off together.
Joshua: I had a speech that day, no one told me; I was miles away.
Robert: The subway stopped and blinked for several minutes, typical.
Eileen: There was a plane, flying, so beautifully, in an amazing path above me.
Rich: I waslked away and didn't even look at it, or see the plane.
Joshua: I had never seen it and never will.
Casey: We had slept in that day because we didn't have class until one.
Eileen: This plane flew with purpose. I knew something was very wrong.
Joshua: I was nervous for my speech so I didn't notice the world around me.
Robert: All of us sitting there waiting, it's funny I remember thinking about Godot.
Eileen: I saw it crash into...(long pause)...I turned around and went home, I didn't care about work and I figured they wouldn't mind if I called in sick.
Rich: I heard it. I fell. And finally started to run.
Joshua: Couldn't hear it, too far away. But later the busy signal was the only sound I could hear.
Casey: I woke up and saw the cloud from our window.
Brian: My brother got a call. I watched him put on his fireman's uniform and he had to go.
Robert: When I finally climbed the stairs I felt I had come out to this ghost town, where...the Ghosts were walking around.
Casey: We made love the rest of the day. We needed to feel, not alone.
Rich: If I had stayed there ten more minutes.
Brian: That minute we stopped fighting.
Joshua: My minutes on stage gave me an A in class, but all I wanted was to

All: Cry
~From Talking with Michelangelo. by Lestat Oberon


It doesn't seem that long to me, but I have relized it was 4 years ago. Wow, four years...and I still can hear the busy signal. I still remember how the day went. Everything as clearly as I lived it. Okay, so a little hazey here and there. I remember hearing from Casey, and days later him talking about the vigil being held in New York.

Casey: "You of all people should be here. This is what you are all about. We are all coming together, singing and holding on to one another. We are no longer alone."

I was lucky not to know anyone in the towers that was hurt. I new one that was in one of the towers, but got out, only to see her husband rush in to save a few more people. New York you are strong and my thoughts are with you. New Orleans I know you will be too. This is not the end, only a new beginning.

sonrisa grande

Genevieve: Can we ever be okay? Look at me; at what I've done to myself, I have lost the part of me I know. You took it. Look at my wrists. Sometimes I claw at them because I don't know what tomorrow holds for you or for me and you are right I do fear being alon. So, I leave thinking it won't hurt me, thingking this time I will be strong enough to say FUCK YOU! But I never am.
~from Talking with Michelangelo, Lestat Oberon

Someone asked me at rehearsals last night if I always smiled. This is a question I get asked regularly and the answer is yes. I am always smilling, however she then asked me a harder question. If I was as happy as I protrayed myself to be. I told her yes I am very happy. Obviously, I lied. It's amazing how easy it was. To tell her I was so very happy. She said good and told me how important that was and how glad she was that I was such a happy person.

Can we stop using the word happy.

And, usually I am a very happy person. I am filled with friends who love me and are near and dear to me. And as long as I have them I am the luckest man alive. I have to remember that.

But recently, I have been having anxioty attacks and have been very down. I wished I wasn't. I wished I was the man I purport myself to be. I just haven't been able to feel happy for a while. I am going on some anxioty pills this week. I hope that will help. I just feel drained. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I have every reason to be. I have filled my life with theatre again. Something I am all too happy to do, however, I am doing it to avoid. Which is very bad news.

Wow, an unplanned visit. Shakes is here so, I am very happy now. Maybe he will keep my mind at ease.

tiempo de cierre

tiempo de cierre
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

Ted: I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity. (Queer as Folk, Episode, 104)

Sometimes I don't know what to think or do. I am in a little bit of hell. Just 4 days out of my mental breakdown, and the world is still coming into focus for me. I don't know what to do sometimes. I wrote a letter to a friend tonight, who I hope will stay that way.

Just a little note to anyone that cares...

Corkey Latores died September 5th, 2005. He was loved and adored by many, and he will be missed. I enjoyed him while he lasted, but it is time to move on. I don't think we should call his name anymore, he has left us...let's just leave it at that.

I am trying to find time to write, but it is too hard. My two subjects feel my mind and I am crumbling at the emotions that are coming up in me. I don't know if Genevieve will guide me anymore. Has it been too long, of course the answer is no, but I miss her presence and I am loosing her voice. You are out there dear friend, talk to me. This new piece I am working on, well, lets just say I should take a break from for a bit. Come back to it later. Also, I need to find a composer/lyricist to write the music to my first piece. NO, it's not a musical, it is a play with music, ha ha.

So, anyway, Life is getting back to normal, well as normal as it can be. I was just put onto crew head for Man Who Camed to Dinner. I told them I was designing another show, wtf. Come on I am producing 2 things, directing, designing and acting, how the hell am I suppose to Crew Head a show. I will figure that out some other time.

I am almost finished with my Costume Bible for Seussical. Very Excited!!!

Babs, we must have drinks soon, I miss you babe.

with love,

Lestat