Quote from Queer as Folk (do I notice a trend, maybe so):
Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in f*king. (101)
Pages written today: 1
So, yeah, I picked up a great book that I would like to share with you all; too bad I don't have the money, so go buy it yourself. It's called My Cold War. It's by Tom Piazza. It is page turning greatness. I love his weaving of his life and history. It delights my heart to hear him write about concepts that are in my play. I am very happy!!!
So, I talked to my mother tonight. Such a great time was had, by someone, somewhere else having sex. I am never amazed at how much my mother doesn't listen to me. She wants an immediate fix to my problem. She wants hallmark answers to solve my never-ending string of problems. Wow, life is grand. I also don't like talking to her about my problems, especially about guys, because it becomes not about me but about her. I know I do this at times, but I have been working on this very hard. To not give examples of my life unless asked. She has no knowledge that this doesn't help me. We also go onto a different path when we start talking about my problems. I am on one subject and it turns into another subject. Usually about my sister. I don't care about how she's doing unless I ask. (I know I am a b*tch), but oh well, I mean you want to know what's wrong with me. I am tired of being Mr. Happy and want to be Mr. Pissed OFF!! I have the right to be pessimistic and want to vent and she thinks I do bad things with this energy. And maybe, because I used to slit at my wrists she worries. Oh, but she used to think I was the happiest of children... I often do creative things to help with my personal crisis...like write, or exercise, or kill off someone (oh, wait, not the last one....hmmmm). And she is sitting there telling me that I just need to be more active and exercise. Which in my low self-esteemed self means, “your fat." Yes mom, as if I didn't have enough of an image problem. Okay, so I am not fat, but I have an image problem, wow, bienvenidos a la 21st Century. Well, and of course I finally spilt the beans about liking someone and how I was frustrated with that. And then that segued into how my father and her where accepting of my lifestyle although they would prefer me to settle down with a nice girl. Wow, thanks, I am so glad you approve of my "choice." If I didn't feel good about myself enough, I had to hear about my mother’s problems and my sisters and everything around my problems without me getting to vent. Really, when I am throwing myself a pity party I really just want to vent. If you want to talk with me, let me vent. If I want your opinion I will ask for it (Babs of course can get away with telling me what to do, it's what gives the will its grace). And that's just it.
I really can't wait to spend a weekend away with my Gracie...Ahhhh it's almost here. YES!!! Fun in the sun and great, great life. I am so ready for this weekend. I bought snacks for the road, will be looking up fun topics of conversation and will order a cold margarita when I get there. I cannot wait.
So, my ex is coming into town tonight (not the ex, the likes of which my mother brought up in conversation, why can't she hate him, I am the one who was in love with him and we are still good friends, but that doesn't mean I want her to like him)...I am happy, lets just call him, Mr. Goodf*ck. Not that I am going to do that tonight, but who knows, I may just be that desperate. The boys around here are not quite knocking on my door to be with me. Yeah. I know and where do I get my image problem from...okay, so it is from me, I know, no matter who I am dating or have dated (and I have dated some hot guys), I put this on myself.
Oh, and another thing that struck me as weird. The other night as I had drinks with an old friend, he reminded me that he had never seen me kiss a boy, and the joke of I am an in the closet straight man came around, ha. But that just reminded me of how little I have dated since moving to Barcelona. What's up with that? Yo no se... I guess I just haven't found the right guy. Which is true. The few I have wasted my time on where not worth it. But you know if they aren't worth it, I don't want to invest in it. And that is the truth. Mr. Big I am sorry, but you were an ass to me, and I know you love me and maybe one day it will work out, but you need to grow up you 29 y/o boy...Mr. Adonis, I love you, but the timing is off, I am sorry, hope that will change...Mr. Goodf*ck, I hope we have a great talk tonight...Mr. Hopeful, I hope it can workout when you get back, even if some of my friends think you are strange. Hell, they call me corky...
Corky, that's another vein that hits pretty hard...I will comment on that another time. Right now I am a bit exhausted from this blog...
Goals:
To kiss a boy in the rain: on the back burner until someone good comes along.
To find an answer to a question: will get back to you on that...
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