So I have been in the worst of moods today. Extremely snippy and looking for a reason to quit my job and I know that this is the best job for me right now. I have applied for another job at a costume shop that is better paying, but I don’t know if I will get it. Also, all of my financial aid stuff is getting mixed up and around and I am waiting to hear on that today. I hate my life. Again remember I am in a bitchy mood. I didn’t give my best at auditions last night and it was my own fault, so this is going to be a dear diary, pity party of one blog so reader beware. I feel that I am not at the top of my game anymore. I feel tired and lonely and not wanting to work unless I am doing what I want. I know I have to jump through the hoops and sail over the hurdles, but it seems like most of my friends are getting more work than I am, and better work. I feel that I am stuck. Drifting because I have many areas that I work in Costumes, Set, Directing, Playwriting and Acting which is great, but it also means that I have to do all the work to keep them all going. I wish I could just pick one and stick to it. I wish that I had the power to say I am this, to finally fit into that cookie cutter of society and to label myself. What a horrible word, label. But, I am so reluctant to do this. I want what I want.
I want to see mountains Gandolf!
But instead I see hills and more disturbing to me plains. I am so afraid to get stuck somewhere doing something I don’t want to be doing. I am afraid that I am waiting on a plane that will never land. My own world inside of me lives up in the air. And on land there is this reverse “little mermaid” feeling that I have.
Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark. There's... There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him... with my waking eyes.
I cannot remember the last day I had a fun at work. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems the journey to where I am now has led me to a state of unhappiness. I will post more later and will do so.
Lestat
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