El fin.

Almost in Seattle a year and I can't believe time has flown by with out a post. I've been crazy busy with work and life so I don't know if I can ever get back to blogging. With that said I've started the works on a new blog. So, I may post it here or start a new one I just don't know. All and all I look back on my years of writing this one and smile. Thankful for heartache because it made me who I am.

En el salvaje

Michael: You met my mother, do you really have to ask that? (QAF Ep: 209)

So I haven't posted in a week or so and I really feel bad. Some of it was due to the living in the now...some of it was laziness...and most of it is due to the lack of internet connectivity in my apartment. Life is going well, I get tired more and more, but I am also doing more and more. I walk a ton...and I am greatful for that. On Sunday, I got up and took a walk around Pioneer Square, finding hidden away a lovely little Cajan food place. I think I will take my mother to it. Ah mother...its only 2 months to her arrival and I am anxious, mainly for my dog. I miss Evie so much. I want to take her out and run around. I have missed her for too long. Other anxioties are just my mother in general. She often is not always the greatest processor of information and finding a way for her to process how and what I do up here, will be terribly interesting. Anyway, I don't have much to say today, but I will hopefully find sometime this afternoon to say more. till then,

Lestat

¿adónde vas?

I am truly amazed by the city the last few days, spring has come and I am working on finding myself in another world. Changing my mind has always been a good thing, but lately, it has been a great thing. That's really all I have tonight, other than this weekend I behaved like a teenager again, staying out all night at a party on Saturday, then dinner with the next night, not really getting anything done, but having a blast. The Italian and I are seeing a play in about 2 weeks and I have 2 conferences to go to and a scholarship interview soon. I really have nothing to say today, or rather, my thoughts are all over the place...I think its a good time to go hit the yoga mat and find a peaceful thing to meditate on. That's all, just trying to collect my thoughts, and needed to post something anything at least once.

Lestat

El Amor de Nada...

Ted: God is Love, and since he doesn't make mistakes, you must be exactly the way he wants you to be, the way he intended you to be. (QAF Season 1)

So yesterday was a crap blog, I admit, not that I think I have a legion of fans reading, I don't even think there are three, ha ha, but that is ok, this blog was always started for me to throw up on a page...(see all blogs before this one, ha ha). I think back, well that's rhetorical considering we all think back, it's very hard to think forward and for some to think present...but I digress, I think back, a lot these days about how I have lived my life. What am I proud of and what do I regret. Luckily the proud out numbers the regret...but funny thing, I'm not so sure yet if it outweighs the regret. Funny thing about regret, it is much denser and heavier than pride. I regret not finding more love, or allowing myself to date more. I feel a bit like the interns of Seattle Grace...yes I'm in Seattle making a reference to Grey's Anatomy. ha ha. but, and I have said this before Theatre people are like Medical Interns, they spend their whole college or first years in the theatre trying to make a name for themselves, which gives them very little time for relationships. And often the relationships we have are so few or actually just sex (shocker theatre people are promiscuous). So needless to say I am very similar in that I never really cultivated an idea of love...Not to say that I am not a true bohemian who is a complete Romantic at heart. I just was not sure how long I would be in one area for one time. Then, I end up living in one area for eight years, found some heartache, maybe some love, maybe not so much...Flashback of NYE, one guy confessing his love, another falling for me in that moment...was I stupid to leave...Present...now I have officially been on 3 dates with 2 guys. The first was not so good, the kiss...yes it is in his kiss...not so good, the second, I find I really like the sexy Italian, but don't know how he feels about me...hmmmmm, I wonder. I texted him earlier and asked him for a 3rd date. Hopefully the cocktails will not be so heavy this time...ummmm yes the last date involved cocktails and inappropriate Jenga. Yes, you can say it, Ima Slut is my name...ok, so it wasn't too horrible...Ok, no more details ;) ok, just one, lets just say, he was a much better kisser...that's all you get. For now all I can say is that I guess, love, or lack their of, is something I no longer want in the regret pile. I am sure my heartache will go up, but maybe just maybe, my pride file will grow a little more. So, regrets watch out...Pride is coming to kill you.

PS...the Italian just texted, he wants to go out again ;)

Lestat

Dormando en Seattle

Justin: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.
(QAF Season 4)

So no post yesterday, I was not feeling too well. Today, I am better but just not up to par as my usual self. Balance, Balance, I feel that I’m wavering. I feel like the closer I get to getting things in balance the closer I get to not finding that balance I am searching for…Life is interesting, the moment you get it figured out, things change, sometimes for good, other times for bad. I know, I know, I have been speaking in a lot of clichés lately. But really, what is life without them. I’m tired…always now I am tired. I don’t know if it’s me getting older, or the fact that I’ve ran so hard for so many years that now in rest it’s all coming back to me now. Why did I spend so many years running, what was I trying to prove…well for one that I could do acting…was ok at that…that I could be a director…was ok at that…that I could find love…NOT so good at that…that I was living…too soon to tell. Sometimes I feel I was more alive when I was in school, sometimes I feel I was more alive when I was out of school, I often feel I am more alive now, but today, ummmmm not so good. I wished I was better at life, but then again, I think most human’s feel that way. For me today is about getting through, which is the same goal for the month and till May 10^th. I don’t know what will change other than finding out some things financially, but that is the goal I am working toward right now. It’s something attainable, which for someone who has attempted the unattainable for so long, is a step in the right direction. I look at my yoga mat, and think, maybe tomorrow…once I feel better…well, the next time I feel better is exactly when I will…maybe…until that day comes…

Lestat

Encontrando el equilibrio

Emmett: I prefer to think of them all as lunatics. Except for Aunt Lulah, who was supposed to be the crazy one. She was my only friend. (QAF Season 4)

With everything, life has a balance that needs to be obtained, by most, there are some that have a feeling of being off balance that excites them and keeps them going. I have always been the later until recently. Recently, I have become accustomed to working towards balance, and needing it. Something not usual for me…alright downright crazy for me. But in striving for balance am I really running away from my past? Is this just another way I am inventing myself? And if the answer to either question is yes…then is it making me a better person? And if it is making me a better person, does that mean I am buying into the binary idea of good and bad? I know, very contradictory today…okay, usually every day. I stared at my yoga mat again today. Yes, I had time to do yoga…I had more than enough time. I made coffee, I sipped, I enjoyed the morning. No music. Just quieting thoughts and trying to turn the brain off before the day began, to see if I could do it throughout the day and still function. I laughed, but didn’t get it down to my center until I was at work…I am still not able to access needed programs L but hey, such is life. I am blogging, because until one of two people come in, I have nothing I can do…at least not to my knowledge. I was five minutes late…I hate being late, especially, when I have enough time to get to the place I was going…I stare at the outside world looking at the students…I people watch, not an unusual occurrence for me. I’m awake, but not, but am, but have a feeling my subconscious is trying to tell me something…In a dream last night someone told me they had read my book…I haven’t written a book…but maybe one day…hmmmm. I at least got breakfast down today, Muesli, yum. Realized I had meditated too long, ran down the hill, got in the car, drove to the office…talked with a coworker…and now I am here.

Maybe, I will post something more interesting later today.

Lestat

Rápidamente con la sensación de vida

Emmett: A song and a snack can turn any event into an occasion. (QAF Season ?)

So, I am sitting at work, I know, not the best use of my time on blogger, but hey I figure I get 2 breaks a day and I can justify this as one of them. I am working on the now, and today, well, the now was a little earlier then I thought it would be. I woke up, or rather hit the dimiss button on the phone. I had left teh wake up time at Starbucks wake up time (4:30 a.m.). I rolled over, I woke up, I panicked. I thought I had overslepted. It was 6:30 a.m. I was fine. So, what did I do? I was a in the now person who got up and did his yoga and meditated...NOT...I went back to sleep for 20 more minutes, ran around. I'm totally not centered.

Day Break

So last night I went out with a really cute Itallian :). So, yeah I'll see where that goes...and yes he rides a Vespa, but he doesn't say Ciao, well, at least he hasn't yet. Too soon to tell if it is anything more than what it is, but I have been enjoying the conversations, and last night, I started enjoying the kissing ;) but that is all for now, I am exhausted and need to figure out work stuff. Seems everyone in the office is running late...meh I like the office when no one is here, it's quite and I can think.

Lestat

Y ha estado tan

Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie. (QAF Season ?)

And so it is, the big move has come and gone, I'm now in Seattle, WA, ok have been for several months. I found a job, at Starbucks, and now have left Starbucks to work at the community college system here. I have been on one audition, but have realized, all this time, I have been okay with the break in theatre. It was something I needed, for a while. It's a reason I moved to Seattle, I wanted to find meaning, find something new, have an adventure and settle down. Boy was it an adventure...5days of it getting up here total. I lived with friends the first month, and I got involved in volunteer work, found a place in First Hill/Downtown area, learned the geography of Seattle and found out its a lot different than where I was from...the ominous state of Texas. It was a change I needed. I keep saying this to people as if its my mantra or my prayer for today. I say it so much I say it more and more like I say Carry water, Chop wood, one of my favorite mantra's...something to remember enlightenment isn't just something you achieve, but something maintained as well, and something that goes with day to day life. I have started forging my spirituality again, looking within myself. Being ever so Eat, Pray, Love and so forth...but different can be the same. Of all the places I have lived different is constant. I was never much for routine, other than to be spontaneous and in that spontaneity I was also very routine...day job from 8 to 5, dinner, theatre from 7 to 11, early morning rituals and getting to play with my dog as much as I could. Bars would be for the weekend, and friends had a schedule to...Different doesn't seem so different anymore. Although I do feel a major change in me since I moved. Yes, I am still a gay man, self obsessed with image and sex, but more willing to think less like Brian Kenny and more like myself, Lestat Oberon. I hate myself for not starting to blog earlier, but I was resting...maybe I should go back to the Eat, Pray, Love comment earlier...when I arrived in Seattle, it was all about the food. I ate...I ate well. I was with a group of friends that loved food. I still am around them, and I am still eating, but now I feel like I have been in the Praying mode...Funny enough at a conference the other day I put down that I Meditate to eliminate stress, both I and my coworker both checked the box which included prayer, meditation and religion. We both checked the box and circled meditation as if to say we were not praying. But in a since I am starting to feel it more like prayer, and starting to feel some kind of presence again. I'm not going all Jesus freak and I can't stand organized religion still, but I feel that presence, whatever you want to call it, around me. At a dinner with friends, funny enough a last meal of sorts with two of my fave girls this subject came up and how they are both mother earth religious. I talked about energy as usual and how I think we will all eventually come together as a unit of collective energy after death, and so forth and so on...something I still believe, that God is energy and that we call God many names, Mother Earth, Allah, the Force, Good, Sunshine, among other more elaborate things. So, I am listening to my voice within, working on my relationship as an artist, human and spirit right now. I remember one "goal" for lack of terminology was to find love as well by moving to "the big city" :) ha ha, well, love is the next chapter, and its too soon to tell. It like everything in life is taking time. I am taking it simple right now, baby steps, living slowly and hopefully as Ben from Queer as Folk puts it...Living in the Now. It's a work in progress, but progress...something I haven't felt in a while. So onward.

Lestat

encontrar el tiempo

I could be a...a REAL man if I wanted to. Y'know, just...stop gesturing with my hands...lower my voice...never NEVER use words like, like "fabulous!" or "divine!"...talk about "nailing bitches" and "RBIs". But I'd rather my flame burn bright than be some puny little pilot light. ~ Emmett from QAF
 

So yeah, celibacy, what a freaking concept. Nothing is fun about it, just fyi.  It is Murphy's law that states that when you bring your umbrella out it will not rain...when you are celibate, it rains men.  Over the past week I have hung out with, or flirted with, or down right almost had sex with 3 men.  Ok, so maybe this is not news to anybody who has a different man every night, but considering I am in rehearsal 5 nights a week right now, working at 7:30 a.m., teaching 2 classes and running around trying to find a new day job.  Needless to say, I shouldn't have time for men at all.  I thought it would be easy this time to give men up.  so I am passed a week am I?  Who knew the man who just wanted sex, not a relationship could stop having sex?  I certainly didn't think this could happen, and yet, I do find myself more focused on work, perhaps because there is so much of it.  Perhaps because I am running around and have to be organized.  Or perhaps, because I am not obsessing over men. 

 

On a lighter note, I am not doing so well with the exercise.  I was waking up every morning meditating, jogging several blocks and then reading.  I had a respiratory infection last week, which is why I spent 2 days in bed.  yuck.  Not fun, and yet I haven't felt the need to exercise.  Perhaps because of the dancing and teaching and general running around, I don't feel I need it.  My gut says otherwise, but meh, since I am not looking for a man perhaps it is ok to let it go for a little while, at least until things settle down.

 

I also feel very gay proud this month.  Working with 2 local chapters of Gay/Straight Alliances I feel very tapped into the "Gay World."  It is pride week.  So it should be a time that I am feeling the pride.  I just realized thought that this means I will not be able to take anyone home for pride...sad day :(  oh well, just cuddle with my dog and figure it out.

 

Till next post.

 

el sexo nuevo

Daphne: Hi, I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan.
episode 106

So I didn't get up and do my meditation today, I know and it gets worse. So last night I was cleaning and I start getting text from someone I think is someone else...glad that wasn't too hard to go with...so needless to say I put on something nice and head over to the local dive and start searching for Miguel. Which btw happy birthday :), however it was not Miguel but a lost boy who I had just posted about last night. We talked, sang horrible karaoke (side note one of my favorite pastimes), played pool and he weird enough wants to be a guru...HA HA HA. Now note although I feel that some people are meant to be a guru, I think his training is not up to par. Even more hysterical is that I have been thinking about celibacy now for a few days. No, no not for life just for a month or 3 to figure things out. So have we figured where this is all leading? Yes I spent the night with him. Now, I will preface this by saying, we did not have sex. I became o drunk I ended up passing out. I know not the smartest thing to do but good because I totally trust him and knew that he would be ok with just cuddling. Which btw Matthew and I had just had a conversation about the day before. Its not so much that I don't want sex, but that I really want good sex. I'm tired of going home with someone having bad, sloppy sex and sneaking out later (which btw I did sneak out this morning but more so that I could get home and not out of shame...ok so a little shame). So now my house is a mess still I'm behind on teaching my class and I'm behind on choreography for my show. so why the hell am I writing? Because its the only thing I can do at this moment. That and to officially motivate myself to write and to create and to get out that I Lestat Oberon am going to be celibate for 3 months. Now masturbation I will say does not count. So yeah, let's see how this experiment goes.

amigos y fuego

Ted: I could fix you up with my sister but she looks like me in a dress...(QAF)

I have been reading a lot lately and wondering about things. I just finished Eat Pray Love and was excited to find someone who shares my thoughts on spirituality, and since the book was a success, realize that many people find this same thoughts on spirtuality :). I have been doing a lot of cleaning out in my life, as I have mentioned earlier, but it seems that like Liz I too have acquired some friends everywhere I go. My family has grown here and I will miss them all. From the lost boys I still hang out with, you know who you are and I love you, to the therapist I have met along the way, I have enjoyed your "couches" and to the unbelievable thinkers. To Matt, for reminding me that I want to love my best friend...even if you aren't the best friend I am suppose to be in love with, but that there is one like you. I am so thankful to my Italy...Spain, to my Rome: Texas I will always love you, but can not live there with you, and to my Bali, Seattle don't fail me when I get there.

To my loves, both sexual and non, I am thankful to you all for many reasons.

To my mistakes, because I have learned and am still learning from you.

And to my dog...may you always bring me as much joy, as you always do...

That's it... just thank you

Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright. QAF

So, i got pissed off the other day and haven't written a blog in a few. I had the best blog, and it was erased.  BAWLS!!! So, I have been trying to recreate it, but alas it is gone.  Between sleeping, drinking and planning for classses (I will be teaching this fall again) I have been pretty worn out.  Yes, that is really what I have been doing, with work from 7:30 to 4:30 thrown in there.  I am amazed at how much I have been sleeping.  I am going to be around 7 p.m. and waking up at 3 a.m., or if its a drinking night staying up till 12 and sleeping till 6 a.m.  What is wrong with me?  I think it has to do with the fact that I am not in a show currently.  Soon that will change, but as for now, I am a free man.  My mister and me are not on speaking terms, ha ha, j/k, I'm still finishing up the finals of the company I run.   Come on, zeesh, you thought I was just going to walk away.  OH NO NO NO, puta. But my exhaustion does have me questioning myself.  Am I getting too old to do what I want to do.  I hope not. I'm only about to be 30.  I jus tneed to get stress out of my life.  The stress I don't care about, the stress from the normal 9 to 5 j.o.b.  :(  And I think I am working that well.  We shall see though.  Anyway, it has to be a quick post. 

I'm off.

L

La vida

Michael: What is this ER, life and death in the same episode?  Queer as Folk Season 1

I really have forgotten myself recently.  I have turned into someone who I don't recognize.  I think that in some ways I am so much better than before, but so not who I wanted to be on the whole continuum of good and bad.  Recently I looked through my blogs.  How I used to right so passionately, creatively, and well just in general more than I write now.  Not that I am saying I want to go back to the "love of the loveless" blogs I started writing, but just feeling the groove of writing.  I feel like I have been throwing up on pages, words, just words.  Maybe a few have ideas I don't know.

I've been doing a lot of dancing recently, go figure ex chorus boy here.  More than that, I used to be a decent (not great, but decent) modern dancer.  I have recently met a few dancers and have been working with them.  Having a blast.  Not to mention I'm doing some fight choreography for a production of J & H.  Wow, its been so long since I have done a musical.  Granted I did fight Choreography for 7B47B not too long ago...and yes my guys were "Buck" ha ha.  But it feels like I'm going home for some reason, which is weird, considering my start was in Shakespeare, not musicals.

My best girl and I talked last night and she made the comment that going back home is viewed by most people as a failure.  Which I myself, if I had to go back to my hometown behind the pine curtain, would consider it a big defeat.  How sad is that?  That home is defeat, not joy and love.  I know the thought is we want to go off and make it big, because lets face it if you don't keep going, you are bound to end up a nobody in your home town right...ha ha ha, maybe, that's not for me to judge.   But that is the thought right?  I started thinking about what it would mean to me to move back.  My mamacita would love nothing else than for me to move back to town and teach High School Drama.   I would rather slit my wrists and die.  What does that say?  About me and more importantly about society that this is our first thought about going back to our home town?  Now, I know there are those out there who would love nothing else but to stay in their hometown, and I applaud you for going against society.  Thank you, but why do I feel the need to go.  The city has always called me, and what is more I am nomadic by nature.  So several cities call my name at once.

The city why do I love it so much?

Sometimes there is absolute comfort in not knowing anyone around you.  I feel that all the time when I am in a small town.  Oh yes, I did live in small and medium towns regularly.  So, I know more than anything that you can feel completely alone, and like you know no one around you in a small town.  These ketchey movies about going to a small town and falling in love don't fool me, it's not for everyone.  I understand that small towns are quaint, but I want rough, and vibrant, full of life and death in the same episode.  I want to feel again, like I am cast in the movie of my life and not a supporting character.  I think that is most people though the fight to stay the lead, and by lead to have meaning and value.

I do feel important, and I love my life, but now I need something new.

I feel the pull to go, and I am going to answer it, in either 5 months 5 days or 11 months 5 days.

For now, lets fix the boat, then think about setting sail.

Lestat

Diatribas y delirios

Giving yourself some time. Something that is very important to me now, but was not before.

Before:

Rushing, flowing, chaos. This was what spurned my creativity and still in many ways does. I would push through all night if it took to get to where I needed to go. Finalizing things as I went and working towards a huge goal of getting the job done. I think that this was one of my greatest gifts. As the great Anne Bogart once said, "I give myself from the back of the theatre to the front of the stage to figure out the problem." I think this is one of the most important lessons I learned in theatre. The moment of now, deciding in that second. Seeing that things created on the spot were 90% of the time better and more natural than creating a huge experience that doesn't work, because you have to change that inevitably.

Now:

I feel like I plan more and watch more. Which has its strength with structure it is much more easy to make those changes. Create something knew. Being open to change, but planning for the future. My problem with the before is that I was using the spontaneity before the planning. Now, I am planning before the spontaneity.

Which is better?

Future:

Hopefully a healthy dose of both.

I hope, which is all I have right now.

Sorry another throw up of the mouth blog, something I am needing to do in writing right now.

I am searching through the tunnel for a ray of light. See you guys when I come out.

Lestat

Ameliorate: to make better to improve.

I wish to ameliorate myself.

trabajo para el fin de semana

If you want to hit me go right ahead. Justin from Queer as Folk


You should never work for something you were a part of when u were younger. Let me clarify, don't work for the places you like. You would never say, "I love eating at this resturant, so I should work here.". The sad part is we as humans do this all the time. You would think that this would be the case, but humans as usual are completely wrong. I have found that working for a place you idolize is much like worshiping a person they will let you down. I had problems with this growing up, so its no surprise I have problems with working at places I used to love. What was I thinking? But its much worse than just getting let down, it breaks a spirit. I know I have been broken. Perhaps its as my mother says, "Lestat, you feel too much." She is very right I do feel too much. I work hard and play harder, but the playing is winding down and the working is growing. I know my whole office area feels it. We are doing more and more with less and less. But what of that, when at the end of the day it needs to be done. Normally I would be so ready to take on the task. Recently however, because I work at some place I attended, and it has changed from such an open university to a cold unfeeling one (at least to the employees), that I don't want to go into work. And I know I am not the only one. I know my AD's just went to talk to the Director today about the state of moral in the office. No one wants to work anymore, but the ones at the top. I feel a deserting phase about to hit again. It happens in business and it looks like it will again here.

IDK, well, I'm heading out again so till tomorrow.

Lestat

el mal chico

Brian: I'm not an asshole, I was just drawn that way.

Really I'm not a bad guy, but I became one, fucking was better than love because I wouldn't get hurt...ever...but I did. You see once you make that choice it's hard to be seen as anything else. There have been men who I have wanted to love but have not been able to because of the bad guy reputation. And those that see me as a good boy just want to fuck a bad boy. Why is life this way? Now, 8 years of my stay here I am very ready to leave. Almost as penniless as I came. How the hell do I get out of here? I am working on that. I'm behind on so many payments it hurts. My car is broken and life actually sucks more now then it did a sec ago, a minute ago, an hour, a day, a month, a year... wow, I'm hitting depression fast. I have to give up smoking for real now, I can't afford it. other than that, I'm having a hard time keeping up. Life just feels like it keeps wanting to beat me down from all fronts. My old bank I hate. My job. My love life. wow. I need some sleep, but I have to keep up working to pay the bills. Life has hit rock bottom on my front. Perhaps that's why love isn't important. Sorry, wanted this to make more sense but I am in the midst of trying to sort through my life and get it back together.

So throw up has landed on the page.

El Buen Chico

Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up. ~Queer as Folk

Ok so I'm not Italian or Drag Queen, but somedays it feels like it.

So many movies about good guys...they are overrated and so are the bad. I've been both. Oh I have stories. Lots of stories that I will soon be sharing perhaps that is what this blog will become, The Adventures of Lestat Oberon...Man Repellant. ha ha. Although it did not always be like this. Way back in the dark ages when I went to high school I was a mild guy who wanted to blend in and be normal. I think this is true of most kids my age that grew up a little different then those around them. I quickly was known by everyone, because of my sister being 3 years older than me it was hard to be a wallflower. I was the good guy...I landed the hottest out gay guy in, well, the next town over. He, I thought was a good boy too...ha ha...love the hindsight is 20/20. He was, just eager to get out of the small town we grew up in. It was a magical moment where I meet him and there was an instant attraction. A friend hooked us up (note, now I think it is a horrable idea to hook friends up and I won't do it, sorry guys but my little black book and my little addie book is not open for dating services). We started with instant messanger...I know what is that now, ha ha, I think we have all forgotten. If we haven't forgotten, maybe we should. I remember him inviting me over to his house for the first time. We used his parents hot tub for some foreplay and yes, we had an amazing night...(notice the ... used here is not my usual ...). He was the first boy around my age that had it, new what he wanted and did something about it. He now is in law, liquidations I believe. Fancy. Needless to say he was also my first major break up, on New Year's Eve. Perhaps that is why I go all out and have great NYE parties now.

It was then that I realized good guys never win, so I took a Brian Kenny (note at this time I had no idea who he was) approach on life, or as Emmitt puts it, "Fuck 'em all."

Then comes college, but that will have to be tomorrow.

L

el salir

Miss manors might not approve, but with six brothers and sisters it's how I kept my belly full. Emmitte (qaf season 2).

So life isn't what I made it out to be. Thought phenomonalogy worked or maybe it did and I was too unfocused to create the real world I wanted. Funny how this is. I created a world where ideas of what I wanted made it, not the actual full picture. Purhaps that is exactly how phenomonalogy works. It's been so long since I graduated I sometimes forget what I studied and have to relook over it. ha ha. Not that anyone else does that. So pieces of my world have been created now and I look back and see that now I need to focus on how to create it, and live in the now (thank you rewatching Ben circa season 2 of Queer as Folk...).

Reduction:

I have been reducing the things in my life to little...first rule of moving is...the less you have to move...the less you have to move. Finding out that it is hard to part with things has always been my problem. Recently, I have been very open to letting things go. Perhaps that is why the company I created was so easy to let go. I plan on becoming as Bhuddist as I possibly can when it comes to worldly possessions. I don't want to move with anything I don't need. Which is important in many ways because over the last year I have been working on getting rid of sentimental but not needed crap. Not to say that everything that is sentimental is crap, just some of it doesn't let us make the past our past. I am looking forward to finding a peace in having less, because I have recently been living with more.

Well for now I will have to put away this blog and move one.

el comenzar otra vez

Mysterious Marilyn: God writes the scripts, sweetie, I just read the lines.

Five years later and I hope that you find him standing at your doorway...telling you the same thing you said to me...

So life has been interesting since I've taken a hiatus from writing. I started a company, I watched it grow, and watched it grow into something I never wanted it to be. I cannot tell you how ready I am to let it go. I watched close friends turn into horrible people, strangers turn into best friends and life become an interesting circus of fun and excitement.

Five years that feel like ten and I still don't know if it was him or me who left.

I put my love life on hiatus, or rather should I say, fell into a string of men who would never work out. I have now labeled myself man repellent. Given up on love, fell in love with men and got my heart broken, because, well I'm man repellent and they don't love me back. I missed chances and let men go...yes, I can admit that now, I did miss out on several loves, because of life, and life in the theatre...

I dusted the print off and saw myself in the young man full of anger.

When I look back at the art I made, it is a sense of pride, there is no regret in what I did, but doing it for what, for myself...selfish...for my friends...did I want their love???did I do it for the art...was it that good or am I looking through the goggles of nostalgia? I don't remember why I started, but I know why I did it in the end for all the reasons listed. Was I wrong, Am I right to feel guilt...maybe...All I know is that I had a wonderful time, a horrible time and a hell of a lot of craziness that would make up the last five years. It was worth it to see the art and the love that I have seen happen with the theatre. I will now close this chapter, and move on to another chapter...or maybe just revisit a time before owning a company.

And then he left me...the gods forbid in earnest shall we say...

So, I will soon be leaving the shores of Spain to go back stateside. Yes, I am coming home, in a way. Growing up in Texas was not an easy task. So, I'm now I'm taking a huge leap of faith and when I visited my friends fell in love with a new place far away from Texas and quite a bit more blue than the lone star state. As long as I have felt like I was in a different world I'm no longer in a different world, this has become my home and its time to set sail again. become nomadic again. become new again.

We shall see. As for now, lets see if I can post again tomorrow.

atornille su valor al lugar que se pega

"Entertaining the 'white' folks" Emmett (QAF Episode 507)

What does it mean to be queer in America now? We have come so far now, that the younger generations feel they are just the same as the straights. Yet we are not the same...we watch Milk and think we are advocates. Is that all it takes to be an advocate now? We let go of our fight, or perhaps being from the south and seeing how slow we have come to change. It seems I have lost touch with the fight, yeah I email senators, reps and soon the President. Thanks for turning your back on the men and women in the armed services that you are discharging because they are gay. Forget the fact that 54 where trained in the Iraqi language.

Mainly, I am tired of the need to be apart of the queer ghetto...I know we should go out and populate the places we aren't in to win the elections and to vote on the laws that are equal to all citizens, but I need to get back. Rejuvenate in a sense. I am ready to live in a big city and find myself. I feel that after 27 years with all the self discoveries I have made, I still have yet to find myself, to become the man I want to become. I think Brian Kenny would call me a great homosexual, but perhaps not so much of the man I have become.

I am tired of putting things off, waiting for the right moment. I have not given up on love, but no longer looking...I'm tired of the need to create romance when there is none there, and I am not the person I want to become. I need to find myself again.

I need to find myself again...

I need to find myself again...

perhaps if I say it enough I will find myself.

I want to be inspired again, and I need to inspire myself.

Life has gotten complicated again.

I haven't run from it, but towards it and am finding I am not liking what I am running out.

So now, I am searching myself,

Finding a path and working on me.