atornille su valor al lugar que se pega

"Entertaining the 'white' folks" Emmett (QAF Episode 507)

What does it mean to be queer in America now? We have come so far now, that the younger generations feel they are just the same as the straights. Yet we are not the same...we watch Milk and think we are advocates. Is that all it takes to be an advocate now? We let go of our fight, or perhaps being from the south and seeing how slow we have come to change. It seems I have lost touch with the fight, yeah I email senators, reps and soon the President. Thanks for turning your back on the men and women in the armed services that you are discharging because they are gay. Forget the fact that 54 where trained in the Iraqi language.

Mainly, I am tired of the need to be apart of the queer ghetto...I know we should go out and populate the places we aren't in to win the elections and to vote on the laws that are equal to all citizens, but I need to get back. Rejuvenate in a sense. I am ready to live in a big city and find myself. I feel that after 27 years with all the self discoveries I have made, I still have yet to find myself, to become the man I want to become. I think Brian Kenny would call me a great homosexual, but perhaps not so much of the man I have become.

I am tired of putting things off, waiting for the right moment. I have not given up on love, but no longer looking...I'm tired of the need to create romance when there is none there, and I am not the person I want to become. I need to find myself again.

I need to find myself again...

I need to find myself again...

perhaps if I say it enough I will find myself.

I want to be inspired again, and I need to inspire myself.

Life has gotten complicated again.

I haven't run from it, but towards it and am finding I am not liking what I am running out.

So now, I am searching myself,

Finding a path and working on me.

el sexo

Brandon: Go slow, and take it easy. I don't bottom very often. (QAF Episode: 508)

So last night as we were finishing everything up, we all sat down for a drink. We were talking about our friend, lets call her Carrie, and how her and her new Fiance and her would not be at all interested in playing the age old game of I have never. Carrie and Cary, did not want to know about each others past. My roomie Maranda, said I wouldn't want to either if my number was 37. Me being like Samantha on Sex and the City answered well that's not too terribly bad. Eddie, a mutual friend, thought I was insane, he said that although there was no way of getting around the fact that I was a slut, the circumstances was a bit different for men and even more different for gay men. Maranda replied: "Damn Lestat, how is your asshole?" I took defense, "Well, I didn't take all the men I have had up my ass...which is true, I didn't learn the joys of bottoming until later in life and well, lets face it when I was younger I didn't care about anything but getting off. After a successful sexual encounter with a NY Costume designer I was informed of the joys of sex, and not just the end satisfaction. I learned of prolonging the experience and having fun whichever position I was in...I also learned of several positions. And, I do believe that gay men have explored the sexuality of sex more so than anyone else, however, I still hate how because of the status quo still considers us too promiscuous. I wish this wasn't the case, because if they only new the exploratory process of sex, perhaps they would not look down upon us but revere us. I know Eddie does, even though he fained that I was a slut, but the need to do that in front of a girl, to make him seem as if he didn't want to have more sexual partners than the apparent dreaded 37. I have never given my number away...well to people I know...and honestly, I lost count, because it shouldn't matter. But that is one great thing about us queers, we may be promiscuous, however, in the end, it doesn't matter. The Journey (yes I did use the capitol J) is so much more fufilling. If my ass or dick falls off, I will have learned so much about myself. And, I may be a slut, but well, I am happy.

la vida

Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me. (QAF Ep. 101)

So another day at the office, and I am a bit out of wack with the usual flow of opperations. Apparently, in my mind it has been Monday all week long, and it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere near friday. Who would have guessed that I would be bored (don't everyone raise your hands at once). I mean obviously office jobs are as boring as they come, whatever office you are in. Granted some have more high profile (like mine) others not so much, these are usually the ones in the back where people are much more bitter and jaded than I am. So really, I love being up here, because really where else can as much as I do. So, my roomie and I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City, mainly she made me go watch the movie and well, I can't help it, I did enjoy the movie a great deal. I had watched a couple of the episodes and its good and all, but I never really had time or I was watching another series, blah blah...so now with my roomie having all the seasons, and I am in reality tv mode, I have time to pick up a series when I am waiting to hear whose top chef, designer, fashion, model, real worlder ect...The main thing is that they are on DVD at my appartment and I don't have to purchase them or wait, or even leave my appartment. So, this is great, however, I have noticed watching them that I tend to think more about woman things...is single life going to be my life, sex, family vs success and what is success. And, although I continually define those perimeters of my life, I don't often think on them as much as lately. And yes I know men think abou those things I was not trying to say women are the only ones, however, it is what those 4 dwell on. Life has been pretty good to me so far, however, I know I am in a rut right now, but I know eventually I will get out of it and into the field I am dying to go into, I just have to focus in on what I want, my path of how to get there, and focus less on the idea of how great it is going to be. I think that is my problem now I am so focused on the dream felling and not the dream itself. I need to take the bull by the horns a bit more and start taking more action. I have started standing up for my excentricities with my friends (by which I mean why am I doing the things I do, well it serves a larger purpose), but I need to start working harder. I have slacked enough, I need to start working harder...and well, lets not take the obvious music reference here but you know what I mean. Anyway, its Wednesday, I have auditions for the shows I am casting in a week and a half. I need to start preparing. I have the 4 eight count movement piece I am teaching now, it is my goal to have the 5 scenes picked from which I am going to have people read, by Friday. Lets see if I get my goal.

Lestat.

Mio cabeza es bueno

Justin: I'm not anti-social, I just can't stand people. (QAF Episode: 303)

So life is winding down, we (my roomie and I) have had talks with the people coming over and that has slowed down and it looks like life in the shire is returning to normal. Work, is good, well especially for Rachel who has called in sick to work. And well, the only thing up in the air are my auditions for the two shows I am producing. I need more actors, when have I ever said this. I had to wait till every actor was in a show to schedule a production, ha ha ha. Work is good in the since that I mentored and got feed free lunch. Also, I was able to get the paycheck sent to my account so I have money now and life is grand. So, yeah, well, I will see you cats later as I am working on getting out of the office myself and planning some beach time. Sorry, its been so long since writing.

Lestat

la vie un rose

Hunter: I can see it now. I'm on death row, awaiting a lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, 'Opening Ben's letter.' (QAF Ep 409)

So yeah, today was kind of not so fun, but really other than wanting to bash my computer into a million pieces I handled everything muy bueno!!! But really I think my year of retail hell has lead me to be more cool headed and less stressed out, after almost dying at the hands of a customer in retail, I think I can handle anything. Oh yeah, and do mean almost dying, not in my usually inflated storytelling way, no the man actually reached across the counter. So not much has happened at the new job to rival that.

Also, I think the work outs help. I have been walking/running in the mornings to get ready for SGK, Lifewalk and other walk/races... so yeah, and I find that knowing you could pass out for lack of breath helps with the anger, or maybe just gives me a massive runners high.

Sex, well, that's a story for another blog, but lets just say hopefully tomorrow I can blog about that, because there are some interesting stories. Its always fun to be "new again" and I will define that term later for you too. But for now I am happy and excited, my dog will be very happy to have a night completely with me. And I will be glad to have a night at home with the dog ;)

Later,

Lestat

a mio madre

Michael: I agreed to come to this, I didn't agree to dress like my Mother. (QAF Episode: 402)

I feel like I am my mother's child.

Ok, silly I know I am my mother's child, but I feel like my mother more and more now that I am growing up, and aside from the fact that I still have dark hair, without the use of dye (unless I want to spice things up, he he) I look in the mirror and I hear myself talk, and I realize I am my mother. As much as I say I am ok with this, and really, really I am...I'm not. I love my mother, and will always be thankful for everything she has done for me. She has supported me in everything I have wanted to do, she has given advice (especially when not needed), she has given me an extra $20 every once and a while, and most of all she has loved. Everything you hacve heard so far makes me seem like an asshole right... I am ...but not for this. She also, has much fear, worry, low self-esteem, and a need to fix things she cannot fix. She cries at the drop of the hat and lives in the past, but she is also perfect. Or at least perfect with a flaw, which as not to offend the gods. But really, she is amazing, but with her Quarkiness, Fun and Efficientness...I also receive her emotion, fear and sometimes regret. I have worked so hard at becoming something different, but each day I feel so much more like her. I guess it doesn't help that we look exactly alike, we have all the same mannerisms and we both work in similar fields.

I will have to say that although we are so much alike, I have worked hard. Worry is something that usually escapes my mind. I don't worry much about things. If they are ment or not ment to happens seems to make little difference in the grand scheme of things. Although I am emotional, crying is not something I do in front of people often, although I may cry often alone over romantic movies. And lastly, although I don't regret much, I do sometimes dwell on what I do. I try to, when I feel the need dewell for a set number of minutes on it, and then move on, but somedays, I am consummed. I am sure that this has something to do with my constant battle with depression, but meh, I digress.

I am glad however to have gotten her since of humor (although, my father's joke telling is totally in me), her ability to laugh at myself comes from her and my joy, which, it is sometimes hard to see from day today, is all from her. I feel love and joy the way my mother does and perhaps that is what I should focus on more. I love the way she feels these two things. She makes my heart sing. I also love the way she doesn't care what other people think, unless its something bad about her kids. And maybe, just maybe, I should remember that turning out as happy as my mother is, is not a bad thing...so what if I have to look and act like her.

Love you ma,

Lestat

Y el mundo es girando.

Lindsay: I think we're witnessing a conversion.
Melanie: Another lesbian success story. (216)

So, the lesbians have movied in...not really, but for the most part they like to visit and stay over, which is fine because I am the kind of guy that would rather you sleep over then drive drunk. And well lets face it, the lesbians are great friends and fun. My problem is that it is becoming frequently more frequent with the other people in my life. Now we have the breeders (who let me just say I am getting a little peeved I'm not totally included in the wedding planning because hello, who better than a homo ex wedding planner friend to help you plan your wedding, but I digress). They have been coming over more and more, and I think my new roomie said it best when she mentioned, they're just a little boring. Also, life has become more interesting with the more people who are starting to stay over. Several sets of Singles, or those who want to be single have been making the state at the B&B de Lestat. Again, I have no problem with people coming over, having a good time, and having to spend the night for whatever reason, but seriously, every night??? Ok, so now you know the problem, it isn't one of them, its all of them (yes sometimes on the same night). Its now been 2 weeks (minus memorial weekend when we were both gone) since we haven't had a visitor at the house and although we have had a few nights of people only coming over for a few hours...they still came over. Tonight I would love to just open a new bottle of wine, run a bath and put on some good music to drown away in just being alone. I think I need and deserve it. So, to all my good friends that happen apon this blog, know that I love you, want you around as much as possible...but for about 3 days can everyone just back off and let me have a tiny bit of roomie time...and more importantly...alone time.

Currently rockin' Flogging Molly
Currently readin' The Tao of Pooh
Currently watchin' Dante's Cove III (ok, ok, so i like fluff from time to time)

una dia nueva para me, y soy bien

Debbie: Brian must've knocked up Sunshine! (513)

So, I love my new job, just a little too much, but more on that later.

mudanza a velocidad terminal

Brian: A big fat lie is I won't come in your mouth. (QAF Episode: 405)
Recently I have been tired and sore. No, I haven't been working out a lot, or having all night fuck fests. I just have been dealing with the fact that I am in a job I have no intention of staying in for much longer. I am so ready to get out of town, explore life. Why haven't I joined Peace Corps or sold everything and seen the world? I mean granted I have seen more than most people, but I am always reminded of the line in Broken Hearts Club: every so often I swear to sell everything I know and backpack across Europe and really find myself as a photographer. Well, why the hell haven't I done that? I guess it doesn't help that I was reading Into the Wild so yeah, I have fueled my adventure mentality that has been laying dormant under my capitolist need to live a comfortable life. blah. I want to get otu, to move out, to go, to live, but I am right here sitting watching tv, getting more tired and more sad that I am not exploring life and the world. Hmmmmm, its time to rethink life kids and this time, I have to find a way to make it work.

Apariciones

"Just like Jesus, and Liza and Judy he's making a comeback..." Brian QAF Ep 403

I know its been too long, I always say that, but this time I think its time to start putting pen to paper again. Life has changed, the world as I know it has become so distant. I need to start to examining my life more. I stuck at a job I hate working toward a future I may or may not have. I don't know why but I need a change. Perhaps I always need change? I think that is the truth, whenever life seems to balance, I need upheaval. But I no longer want change through distruction...now I need to figure out how to make changes through creation.

One: Decide where I want to be in life. Check
Two: Decide how to get there...still perfecting...
Three: Do it! Not yet there.

Seems easy, so why do we as a whole not do this all the time? Why is it that I haven't done this before? Because simplicity is so hard. Try to make something simple, it isn't easy. Simplicity is so hard to us because we are creatures of over analysing, needing to complicate and finding the dificult in the facile...I have spent the last years of my research and acting/directing training trying to find simplicity, and it is still the hardest moment on stage. Its not easy to explain, and harder still to show, if you complicate...and I do...perhaps the earlier statement of we as a people do this is not true...actually it is not a blanket statement that can be made, but it can be of me. I tend to lump people in my category of problems, forgetting that we are all wired a little different. So, here is the rant of today. And the question is how can I make this more simple without complicating things.

Random flamboyantly gay moment: I can't wait to see 27 Dresses...

With Love,

Lestat

sorry no posts

So only a few more days are left. What is up with that? I have been so busy, learning a new job and working on lines and designing costumes that I have had no time to think of much. So, sorry for the long pause. I am just going to try to make it one day at a time...

Day 29 down on to day 28

Howie: It's my turn to wait, and I will wait long enough.
~Broken Hearts Club

It is my turn to wait, and wait long enough...not for you, but for someone who is worthy of me. someone who I will fall madly for. Already, you romove the sex, and the romatantic comes full force. But sitting at the bar, staring at a boy who for right now is perfect, but who is not ready for me. I have to remember that I have to wait. Timing in comedy is everything, and it is the same for life. I am always so sad that as far as it is known Aristotle only wrote about tragedy. Perhaps this is because he knew tragedy needed rules, but comedy from the beginning of time on has always had specific rules. I know I am over exageratting, but in my opinion tragedy is broad, and comedy is narrow. Everyone can see in an instant when something in comedy works, where in tragedy there are many combinations that might work, or that do work. I think I would have enjoyed Aristotle's anal retentiveness more if he had written about comedy. I like many of the Christina Yang's of this world (I know I am Meredith, but really they are cut from the same cloth and I share Yang's sense of ocd) am obsessed with textbook answers. Comedy is textbook, and hard. You have to be born with it or overly study the manual. The reason I am so good at comedy is I am textbook with it. I follow the rules. I wasn't born into it, and although I was born a storyteller, I am not a natural actor. I have had to study and grind and build my craft. That is why it is so interesting to me to see natural talent. That is why I am so impressed by it, even knowing that although it is so impressive, they often lack the disipline of learned actors. Not to mention the degrees in between, let me go binary for a moment (i know I hate binary, but for the purposes of this blog I will amuse the binarists out there). I need to become proud of who I am again. I think that is why I am going onto these 30 days. And hopefully I can keep it up, and find out things to let me aquire the will to be proud, without the need for people to recognize it. That is really what this is about, I need to focus on that rather than the romantic notions that I am doing this for a man, because in the end, if I don't do it for myself, its not worth it...I think we have hit the stage of pre-mature enlightenment, we may be able to go somewhere with this, if I don't focus on it and use it as a shield to become enlightened...Ok, I am exhaused I should go to bed.

I hurt myself today...

Dennis: You sure know how to pick them.
Benji: I know, I can't help myself, they remind me of how it used to be, where you look around and every guy in the room is just a
Dennis: Possibility
Benji: Yeah and then you find out WE are the possiblity.
~Broken Hearts Club

When did the endless world of possibilities turn into the us as posibilities? As if we don't have enough problems coming out, we shoot out of the closet and run around with guys that make us bitter and jaded. Then we all become bitter gay men, which sturcturalism taught us to mean we are all the same bitter jaded gay man...Yes I do enjoy boiling structuralism down to its basic premise. I guess day one is over. I have survived the first day without sex, ok, like I have it all the time, but I did have it more than the average guy. I guess perhaps I should let you know what spurred this adventure, other than the fact of boys...Perhaps I have been having too much sex, not that it gives anyone the right to call me a slut, also, I am always using sex as a way to validate myself, to feel better, to fix what He broke (he here is in the universal sense, naturally). And, perhaps I should nit, not to find McVet, because lets face it, he just lets my dog that symbolizes McDreamy die reminding me of that relationship. Okay, enough with the Meredith metaphors. But really, I do need to fix me. I need to figure out what makes me feel the way I do. Why am I still hung up on these boys who are not worth it. Why am I a romantic, and is that something I am able to obtain, or is it something I am not willing to allow myself that pleasure. Barring the whole monkey theory that groups of gay men are a group of monkeys that during mating time the men gather and kill each other, but well, the Coles/Brian Kenny's out there without a soul, make us that are him, look bad. Ok, I know I am babeling but it is late. So, I sleep around a lot, perhaps this is something that is making me look bad, and it gives McDreamy something to fuel horrible fires about me to all the other gay Seattle Grace. But you know, really I just need to stop having sex so that when I do, perhaps I will find someone who can wait with me. Perhaps I will.

Lestat what r u thinking?

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (QAF Episode: 506)


So, day one begins tonight at 10:04 pm. One month of not sleeping with someone. One month of not going home with someone. Lets see if I can do it??? I will blog everyday about what is up. That is right, 30 days without a man...what will it do to me.

;)

And this one is named Blue...

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too (QAF Ep. 403)

Sometimes, we all do stupid things to make us feel better, and as you have read this blog know that I am the one who does that with furver. What is wrong with me? I am the dirty mistress, but how long do I have to pay for that? How do I make it stop? No, I am not sleeping with a taken guy right now, but I do still sleep around, and although that doesn't give that man a right to call me a slut, it doesn't make me feel any better about my choices. So, Dr. McDreamy fucked me, McVet doesn't want me, and Dr. McSteamy just want to fuck me. So, I went away from the McLife and tried something else, but where is the life there. I don't need the Mc, but I need the life. Where is that for me now, I am not ready to be pushed aside and hung on the shelf. I still need something, some kind of love. And, yes maybe I don't allow myself to do that, maybe I don't allow myself the room, the disipline to go with that, but I have always known what I want, and perhaps now I am looking for someone to change my life. Or maybe I have always wanted that.

duh

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (Qaf Episode: 506)

I hate boys, and straight men in the closet....

Seriamente

Ben: What?
Michael: I'm just looking. You are so beautiful.
Ben: You're kind of cute yourself. (QAF Episode: 401)

I think life is harder than you make it. I think really it is just a series of moments that our emotions make complex. A hug is really just a comfort we make into a complex situation. After all these years am I beginning to think the Greeks were right with the three part harmony. Perhaps getting the emotions under control is the answer. Sitting at the pub last night, a friend talked to me about the fact that theatre people are quite subdued because our emotions are all lived out on stage. I thought that, but recently since last October I have been triggered into massive emotions in real life, most of which have emerged because of hugs and a silly little thing called lust, love and other emotions of the similar. When I was young a snake bit me and I was infected with a poison called love that made me a romantic. I have tried to find the antidote but sex doesn't work anymore. Or does it, it makes the pain easier and we have already established that I am Meredith Grey and that going to the pub and picking up a guy is my thing. I have been re-watching the series and yes I am her, only my McDreamy was an asshole who still tries to ruin my life, even though he doesn't do it in public and I am the one who finds out about it so I have to pretend that we are friends and keep my cool...Hating him, scratch that hating anyone is the most exhausting...so I put it away, but then something happens, and I am realize I can't escape the wrath...but then a friend who used to be a love, hugs me tells me he his grateful we are friends and I realize McDreamy has no power...and life goes on.

When Love Comes...

Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)

What happens when happily ever after isn't for you. What if your McDreamy does pic Addison, or your Meridith picks McVet...and although I am no Carrie at the prom with pigs blood on me, I can't help but think I have missed my romance. Oh, believe me I have had the perfect romance, from several guys, its just that my Prince Charming's are all Prince Pricks and I am the slut who has the problem. I am sick and tired of being the dirty slut, because I play that role, and so therefor happily ever after doesn't apply to me. It is my fault, well fine ok, I have been alright with it but now, I am not. If you play me the villain, then that is your problem. I am not the villain or the victim, I am however the lead man of my life, and it is not my fault you don't get to blame me anymore. Or at least not in my mind you don't get to blame me. I am worthy of life, therefor I am worthy of love (i know cue music, lights and get ready for the credits) the unfortunate reality is in real life we don't have the after the credits. If we did perhaps we would realize that the Pretty Woman did go back to being a whore after a year of happiness. But I am still a romantic, I still believe it is out there, and if I have to settle for the mundane, then that is what I have to settle for. So the guy in the armor wasn't mine, but the squire to the left is...does that make the fairy tale less accurate, or is this the new fairy tale, the Shrek, the Happily N'ever After, the Knocked Up...Perhaps that is my fairy tale and I don't get the fire hot passion, the fire hot romance, the longing of a lifetime that I have already have had, isn't for the real romance of forever...perhaps I get baby passion, baby fire and no longing to settle for stability. Someone who will stay with me forever, even if I don't get weak every time they say hey, every time I see them, every time we fight and make up. Perhaps that is not the real romance I want, perhaps I do want the stability of the non fire romance, and perhaps that is ok. I have finally come to realize i need to stop chasing the guys who aren't chasing me...growing up sucks...

Blackholes and revelations

Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (QAF Episode: 313)

In life timing is everything. When we have it we have it, when we don't well it sucks. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have it these days. I am so unfocused. Yes, boys, they suck, btw. I have no timing with boys, and yes I us the youthful term because they are young and stupid and I am at least stupid for chasing after them. After everything, I should be swear them off as I do all the time and then go on an orgiastic free for all. But that would fall under the heading of keeping in the same pattern and somehow I need to get out of that. Although there is a fight, it should not be my fight. If I am going to fight for a boy perhaps they should be prepared to fight for me sometime. Otherwise, I need to leave them alone, and move on, except for the little timing issue. Should I hold out for the right time, or should I not...the real answer is not, because in the end when the timing is right, it will be right. And besides, if I do need ass I can get it and if I need a relationship I need to realize, the time is not right.

Tah for now.

Today is better

Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century. (qaf ep 314)

You know, I feel so much better now that I bitched for a bit, I feel so much less stress about the situation. and who cares if I don't have a man, I haven't needed one for this long, whats the point in needing one now. I understand if its ment to be, but I just really need to focus on my patience. I am watching my three beautiful girls playing with toys and each other and I think of how blessed I am and that I am not the only one who feels this way, well surely I can't be, how many damn romantic movies have been made, and yes I am a romantic. La la la. I wish I could go out and dance tonight, it feels like forever since I have. I want to go and feel the music and dance till the night is over and the sun is coming over the hill. Not necessarily with anyone, just with a group of people I love or in a room with complete strangers, which can be fullfilling sometimes to realize no expectations or preconceived notions are around. I guess this is why I like going out to new places. Of course this is why, I get to be something a little different each time, not lying more like exploring the other parts of me. tah for now.