Living in a dangerous time...

Yes I know I haven't written in a while. Too long have I sat silent and not expressed my feeling, but hey that's what happens when you are in grad school right? I have been doing a lot of thinking and not a lot of action. I have been trying so hard to plan everything out, but I haven't been able to execute anything. Tonight I have to pull an all nighter, so that I can get everything done. Yes, I am not very happy about that. However, it is my own fault. But enough of that. I feel that my life has been compromised in a way. I am doing theatre, but I am a dance major. What is that? I know why I decided to go into dance. It was a need to have more information about the artform. It was to immerse myself so that I would have the ability to fuse the two artforms when necessary, but to be able to do both independently. Now I am much more interested in the fusion of the two. I feel that I am going to be met with some resistance. But that the resistance will be good considering I will be dealing with that resistance for the rest of my life. So what of that? I don't know. My piece that I am creating for the dance department is going well, I think, despite what others might think. But enough of that. I have rehearsals all this week for a show I am doing in Ireland in December. This is all preliminary work that will be used to create a play for us. Yes, we are that important. he he he. The rehearsal process is amazing. It is very much rooted in the 60's ritual movement in theatre and dance. We are exploring and looking for moments in time that will lead us or rather the playwright to a script. It is going to be wonderful. I am a bit tired and worn out, but like I said, It's grad school. I will hopefully continue this blog again tomorrow, until then, goodbye.

Lestat

Much ado about nothing...

To my dear Anita, I don't think it's f*cking men that are the problem, I think them being just men and not f*cking are the problem (or what you will). So, these weeks are flying by more and more quickly, and for some reason I am insanely happy with that. I have no time to accomplish everything, however, I am so glad to have everything fly by. What's up with that, I do not know. So, I am having a great time on my choreography for the dance department that I am in. It is so crazy and out there and well, me. Sometimes I think I get way too distracted by the same sex. Men are too easy to look at.

Back for a second death...

I wish I could say that my life has been as quite as my blog. Endless rehearsals and class fill my day as I try to piece together a sane life. Although, I am beginning to think sanity is overrated. Gay pride was last weekend, and Riff cheered for the Gay Cheerleaders, and seemed to be very happy to see me and of course told me to call. So, stupidly I did. Knowing full well, he will call when he wants to. Dirty sh*t. Oh maybe you don't know. We had a little fun a few weeks ago, with someone else. Now, I don't expect him to be my boyfriend, no it was just innocent fun. BUT, I do expect a phone call and a hangout after doing that.

Less about Riff, more about my piece. I am choreographing a piece called Finding Exodus. It's about the leaving of one person from another. Wow, maybe I should apply this to the first paragraph, la la la.

I don't think I know how to write in one of these anymore. Every time I come to the computer I space out and don't know what to talk about. Well, maybe next time will be more rewarding.

Lestat
PS I am a little freaking out b/c of Grad school.

Another day, another whatever...

Sorry that my life has not been so exciting except for the fun of school I am working constantly and well the love life is non existent right now. So what to talk about? Well, I am reading constantly now. My reading consists of mainly dance books that tell me how to think, and then my professors tell me I need to form my own mind (but then tell me what to think). I am sick to death of being told, just let me read my books and go through my own thought processes. Maybe, when my head stops spinning I will "accertain the situation and move into a more stable awareness of what I want." hmmm, what I want... This is something I need to think more of. I recently did an audition for a show going on in the next town. I had a great first reading, but a difficult and not so good second reading. He has since cast everyone, but the character I was auditioning for. I do know why which is a good thing. It's because he is auditioning more men. I was the only man at auditions. It is a very female heavy show and it looks for a specific type of guy to play the part. Specific in acting as well as looks. I fit the look and my acting can handle it, however, politics and a bad callback may have put me out of the running. I dance all day, read all night, and just was in a fight with my friends that I feel terrible about. I can't believe I snapped at them. Granted he is a scapegoat for many of my outbursts of anger, but rarely do I snap at him. So, tonight I went to the library to study, and I did achieve this studding. However, I didn't finish. And now I am talking to this wonderful online journal (I hear the words of my favorite professor in the back of my head, "sarcasm is the lowest for of humor"). My head is spinning and I don't know if I made the right choice, but who can I talk to about this other than myself? Others can't answer this question for me. Only I can, but then why isn't the answer easier for me? Only time can tell right now. I feel another emotional breakdown coming on. But hopefully I can reschedule it for another time... ha if only Life worked that way.

Lestat

At the ballet...

After dancing for four years I decided to become a part of a school of dance. Now having a modern background I thought I would be fine as the school is a modern dance department. I didn't even think of how hard it would be to dive back into ballet. Never having taken it seriously, I didn't expect it to come at me this hard. Time for a mental breakdown, cue the music. Yes, today at the ballet class I had a break down. Not unusual for the neurotic person that I am. I know how to do the movements, however, they were being yelled out and at a rapid pace. I went up to my instructor, someone who looks like the typical prima ballerina, from Russia with love (okay so I am being mean because I hate ballet). But she does look like that, however, she is very kind and compassionate and told me that she thought I was doing fine in her class and that she thought I would survive. I should be listening to her rather than myself who cannot comprehend what my body is going through. Maybe I shouldn't have chosen grad dance school. What was I thinking? But maybe I will be okay and I will be made stronger. Or I will fall and learn something from that.

I want my head to stop spinning though. I need to become more organized but I don't know if I can do that. We will see...

Lestat

Then came the next night...

I have often wondered why gay men and straight women become friends. Yes, they may or may not have a lot in common, and the spa stuff, and even the guy watching. It interests me though how they become friends so easily, because when they go to each others clubs they don't have as much fun. I recently when to a club with my straight friends, it was okay, but it was obviously a straight club. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I did have fun, however, that night what I obviously needed was a man, or two or six. But of course there was no way of getting one as they were all straight, or if they were there and gay they were not my type. Now, it's not as if I don't like straight people, believe me I have helped their sexual preference out enough, but I think what bothers me about going to the straight club with my straight friends is my own insecurity. Now if they go to a gay club, women can dance with each other (obviously) or they can dance with a man, they can mug down, whatever. Gay men at a straight club, not so much. If I do happen to find a gay guy I like at a straight club, it is likely that they will be very uncomfortable dancing with me or vis versa (probably not for me because I am past what others think I am in theatre/dance of course I don't care what people think) but in certain situations maybe. So, it is very hard for me at certain straight clubs to have a good time. Also, it had to do with other emotions I was feeling. I was quite dicked over that night and wanted to drown my sorrows and maybe find them in another mans mouth. Don't judge me you've done it too. So, I don't know where I am going with this, I think I am avoiding talking about a subject, well I know I am avoiding talking about Riff. I have no reason to be upset. He's seeing someone else, not that he has or is seeing me so it should not be important, however, when you like someone and then become friends and you have great chemistry together, but they won't recognize that and then they go out and sleep or rather in this case so far meet and start talking to other people, well, it's interesting, to say the least. Although you are friends and you know that you two are only friends, but let's be honest since this is my journal, you deep down still want them to wake up and realize what great chemistry you two have. I think we may have lost that chemistry now. For now, at least. Maybe, the hanging out we did will allow us to still be friends.

So, I am choreographing two very interesting pieces. One of them deals with the above. Letting go of someone. Like when you leave someone or someone leaves you from this obviously small instance where I liked someone and they did not return the like or if we had a long meaningful relationship and then he left. It takes time to have someone exit your body. Granted, Riff, won't take as long as Ben did, but then me and him were together for longer and had an amazing relationship. Riff will only take a few days. Yes, I hate that it is that long. Others took me only a few hours, minutes, seconds, actually in the middle of the act I wanted to be out of there bodies... la la la. Anyway, the point of this journal was to throw up what I was feeling on the screen and I have accomplished most of what I wanted to say, however, I don't think I want to go any further.

Also, to my friend at the straight club, if you read this email, I did have a good time, just not as good of a time as I have at queer clubs because of obvious reasons. So, just remember I love you and it was fun.

Anyway,

Lestat

OH what a night...

Welcome to my madness. After four nights of going out and parting. I had one more. BTW, just woke up, yes I do know what time it is. Riff actually called me last night. We went out drinking, dancing, singing and even had a bit of pool in. I love the fact that I can either win or throw a pool game. He he he ;) Needless to say I got very plastered last night, but was safe enough to drive home by the end of the night. This boy knows when to stop. I sang "Sweet Transvestite" from Rocky Horror, and I have the feeling that Riff and I might be going to see that tonight at the midnight showing, he finally gets to be a virgin again. If you don't know what I am talking about. Please rush to the nearest midnight showing, it's three hours away you say, who cares get your ass there. So much craziness last night. And yes now the it is time for the rest of the weight to come off. This week I will be hard core. Eating and exercising right. But even with the 5 extra pounds I put on this week, I still was asked to take my clothes off and had someone check to see if I was wearing undies, maybe I shouldn't have been... la la la.

Lestat

Dear Diary...

To my dear Rylee, I wish that Toledo had better happenings for you. I wish too for one more week. But alas, we must back to our respectable establishments. We will have drinks soon and possible a movie. It will all depend on when I can get to Toledo.

Madrid was interesting last night. I didn't have too much to drink last night. But apparently many people did. I walked into a party last night full of drunk people. Which isn't to say I haven't been in that situation before, but it was so different from the parties I was used to. My dearest S.Grey is leaving for NY and it was her going away party. I love Sarah, so of course I went. Okay, segue, I hadn't realized just how much weight I had lost until recently. At the party, maybe I was wrong, but all the gay boys there hit on me. I might be conceited, but I might be right. I think I am. Part of it makes me happy I have so much new attention, but how much is too much? Unwanted affection from guys that are into one thing or who are not your type is always horrible, but what if it is from the people you wanted it from. Those you thought it would be good to spend one night with. Yes, I used to be a slut. But do I retrograde back into one now that I am a few pants sizes smaller? I have for some, but it is so shallow. Not that I am not shallow, we all are in some respect, but how shallow have I become with the exercise regiments and watching what I eat? I tried it out this week, on how much food and exercise intake affected my shallowness. I have been eating anything I want. Which has been great. I gained 3-5 pounds and yes my ideals have been going down. So, this next week as I work out like a freak, I will see how they go up. I think it might be more interesting than one can think.

Lestat

A walk with Babs...

Yes tonight my dear Anita. Hope all is well out there in cyberland. Today has been such a weird day to begin with. I almost couldn't get out of bed. I have been crazy at work and I am missing my Orientation into grad school. All that aside I am doing well. I don't understand while my depression is setting in. I am genuinely fine, which might be the problem. Have I entered into the world of everything is fine that's why I am depressed? I don't like turmoil and drama (note: I majored in drama, it's not my life). If everything is fine, I should be. Maybe I should just take my pill and everything will be alright. Oh well, I can't wait to go out tonight and see a wonderful woman go off and embrace her life, grab it by the balls Graziella. And to go out with Consuela and Anita. Welcome back to Madrid my lovelies. I can't wait to party.

When life gives you lemons you make lemonade right? Wrong, you suck the sour out of them. Okay, so not the greatest mantra, but as you read in my last blog, yes keep up today will probably be lots of small blogs instead of one long one, I am impatient. I go from guy to guy, yes I haven't been honest, Riff is not the only guy I am interested in right now. On the contrary he is one of many. He just happens to be the one I like a lot. The others are just fun to play with. Yes I am a bastard, but it is not as if the rest of the boys aren't playing. I had a very revealing dream the other night. It involved a forest, stream, a race, snakes, ancestors, and other things. It was telling me, per a dream book. That I am transcending into a new area either emotionally or spiritually. I think both might be going on. Part of me is tired of this endless stream of sexual conquests, and the other is very happy with the sex. What is wrong here, I am a man, my life is made up of sexual practices. I don't feel like I am cheating on Riff, because there is nothing there to cheat on. I don't feel sorry about letting other guys on, because they should know it is a one night thing. So, I tip my glass to another day. Anita will be coming to Madrid soon, and I am very thankful for that. It will give us a time to rejuvenate until the next winter comes. Okay, so I like to write pretty things. Blah blah blah. But what of this new emotional/spiritual journey I am going on? I get glimpses of what is to come, but until then I don't know. I do feel a change, but what's new I just graduated from undergrad and am going into a completely different grad program. Of course there will be change. Oh well, I don't know. I think I am a little freaked that my mother asked about Riff. Oh well, take care kiddies I will see you after darkness sets in.

Lestat

Can I get a what, what?

So, waiting has to be the most boring thing in the world. I know I am a New Yorker at heart, I don't do the patience thing. So my mother ask about a certain Riff in an email today. I think she is getting a little too overzealous about our relationship, the fact that we are friends and nothing else. Speaking of which, he hasn't written me back in a day. hmmmmm. Anyway, patience may just be in abundance this season even if I have none right now.

Tia and birth

So today my boss and wonderful friend Ben took Amanda and me to Tia's. It was very wonderful. It was a great meal with good conversation. I miss that. I miss going out and talking. I think that is why I am so chatty today. I received an email from Riff and when into a long paragraph about different things. Yes, I am still talking to him, but I am no longer expecting anything out of it but friendship and fun. I spent the weekend drinking and having a good time. However, I did manage to rearrange my room and get in about 5 movies this weekend. It also occurred to me how much I live in a fantasy world, which nothing is wrong with that as long as you still remember and come back to the real world. I love to day dream, it's one of my secret pleasures. I spend hours on an idea, I should really start writing them down and trying to use them in scripts. I don't know, somedays I long to be a writer. It would have to be for theatre, film or TV though. I couldn't write a book, I have tried. It gets too tedious. Scripts are more fun. I have worked diligently on one for 4 years now and it still isn't finished. Sometimes I think it is my masterpiece and other times I feel like it will be my downfall. I am trying to finish it before I start on anything else, however, I need to start on the others before they pass out of being. I like others consider the art of creating art, creation itself. It is like having a child only the birthpains are in your head (or worse manifest themselves into physical pain). I love it, but I don't want it to trap me in a room for the rest of my life. Playwrighting is such a solo life. You and a computer or pen and paper. Letting the juices of creation flow onto either is extremely intoxicating and completely scary. It makes me happy and crazy all at once. On another note, one of my friends, Consuela, has a son who told me he loved me and fell asleep in my arms. It makes me want a kid so bad. one day, but not anytime soon. I would love to be a father, however, I need some time before I do this. I had a crazy dream last night, I will blog about that later. I don't feel like talking about it right now. I can't wait for Anita to come in town. I miss her so. I hope all is going well for her, and I hope her Mr. Big is treating her right. Alas, no Mr. Big for me right now, but hey that can be fun living the single life.

Till more comes,

Lestat

Normandy

Okay so I don't know what the title has to do with anything. I am just hanging out this weekend. Unfortunately not with Riff, but hey, he is at his HS reunion this weekend which is where he is suppose to be. I had 2 nights of birthday fun, no ladies and gents not my birthday that of a friend of ours. Diesels birthday was this week and he threw one night of cookout fun and another of lets go out on the town fun. Both were interesting, but each had it's own problems. I don't know what...strike that I know what Diesel was thinking when he invited all the boys he did, only one word was on his mind... Orgy. Well, it didn't happen, suprised? Not really, although all of us did have our fun one way or another. That's all for now.

Lestat

The road to nowhere...

When did deal breakers become such a big deal? I remember when deal breakers were just the way a guy looked or if he smoked or he lived to far away. When did deal breakers become major ordeals? Since we all have become older I guess. It just sucks to have one man who is good everywhere but in the bedroom, and another who is great but has a chip he can't get rid of. Yes, I have a burger (SITC) and a big (SITC) right now. One who we make a perfect couple, but the fire in the bedroom is just not there. We are so good everywhere else. And another who is perfect for me, just not perfect right now. What will happen I do not know, will I end up with big once his scetchiness fizzles out, or will I settle for bad bedside mannors? Neither, I want to find my Ben (QAF).

I have 2 ideas for shows, but I feel like I am cheating on the one that has taken me thus far four years to get out. Maybe I should just start writing. I think one will be called Showmance or something like that. Maybe that will pass the days better.

This is all for now,

Lestat

The woman from the street...

Again, I saw the woman on the street. This time although she still looked lonely. I had a better outlook on her. She was proud and fun and full of another time. That was how she was, or maybe how I was.

L

Fall is on its way...

As I was walking yesterday and today, I remembered why I moved to Madrid. What wonderful weather we are having. It was warm and had an amazing breeze. I could walk for hours. I like Carrie Bradshaw have a love affair with this city, only I'm a bit more finicky about my love for it. Today on my morning walk I noticed a woman, older, making her way to the store I always walk to. On her way back I noticed her on the journey back to wherever she came from. She had a sack of groceries that she had purchased and she was smoking a fag. She looked amazingly lonely. But that was me merely projecting onto her my state. She was probably very happy and enjoyed her walk and her smoke. Then, I began to think of people who saw me walking in the mornings. Did they too see my loneliness, or worse did they do what I do and project there emotion onto me? How was I so ignorant to project my psyche onto to someone else. Perhaps she was lonely and I was right, my intuition says I am. I could hear that voice in my head that tells me about people when I meet or see them. In any case that was wrong of me. Although, friends and I do often play the game of guess the person where we sit in an area and guess what people are and do. That is just a game, but have I turned my game into life, guessing what and who people are? Possibly.

My mother is so excited I am traveling back to Florence to see her and my father. I am excited about this, however, like my last blog it will be a trying time. I do love my parents, but like every child you begin to need to make your own life and stop listening to everything they say. True some of their wisdom you must STILL listen to, but some you have to throw away. Sometimes you need to make your own mess ups and learn from them.

As for love, yes I am cursed with it, but it is a curse I have put onto myself. All the vampires in the world right now are too young emotionally for me. Maybe someday I will find one as old as I am. Until then, I will live this cursed life.

Anita it's time for a drink, we will have it soon I am sure. Consuela, I miss you and can't wait to start walking with you. Gratz hope I can see you before you leave for the big apple. Have fun in the city.

Lestat

Mommie Dearest...

What is it with Mother nows best, I thought it was Father new best? How is it that our mothers can be the embodiment of all that is good and all that is unholy? My mother, is a wonderful person, full of life and love and everything a child can ask for. However, she can also be the spawn of satan when she wants to. She wants to make sure that I am not going to f*ck up my life, but this means that I do not get to live it. She wants to do everything for me and when I don't do it her way she does it for me. Take my apartment situation. I had found a wonderful apartment that I wanted to live in. She proceeds to look up other apartments around town. She comes with a list of apartments for us to look at. After I have already checked most of them out. I had to pull teeth to get into the apartment that I wanted, however now I feel guilty, because I didn't take my mother's advice. Another good point is today. I have to get new furniture. I want a NICE futon to fit in my very SMALL apartment. One that I can sleep on. I would like something a bit nicer, but that is more expensive. Mother has found other possiblilities for me some of which are cheap, but not as nice. It is the triangle effect. Nice and Comfortable, Nice and Cheap, or Comfortable and cheap. What do I want? I guess I will find out tonight. Whatever it is it will not be what mother picked out, but hey, what is? I love my mother and she does so many wonderful things for me, but really, let me live my life and make my mistakes. Whatever they may be.

L

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes...

What is this obsession with love and wanting to be with someone. Everyone wants it. Maybe, we should all step back and realize how good it is to sit back and be alone. Is this such a bad idea? Maybe, if we are happy with ourselves we would be happy with the life we have and that would be enough. But, we have all these shows about love and heartache and finding the one, but no you can't look for the one because if you do that you will never find it. Then you spiral into the whole I'm just going to be Brian Kenny and f*ck around feeding my endless hunger until the end, whatever that may be. The old Lestat has been through both of these situations. I have been the man in love, and my heart was broken four years ago so I became Brian Kenny, the heartless a**hole. I slept around not finding anything I liked, because I didn't want it. I was a vampire anew, needing nothing, but always hungry. I still have a little of that old Lestat in me and as I get older I start to look for companions. Wolf packs of gay men to hang out with, because that is easy, it's simple. I don't have to f*ck anyone in my wolf pack, because that is a taboo. But eventually with the onset of pansexualism, we have all basically f*cked each other. What a strange world we live in. Here recently I have allowed people to come into my life. An actor, a choreographer and here recently a lawyer. Thinking each may hold the key to the next phase in my life. I wasn't expecting this when I met them, but the outside forces brought us together. By outside forces I mean friends, enemies (yes I have plenty of these), or situations, and I think for a brief second I could be happy with these people. I could find something within them to make the days as a vampire (i.e. if you haven't read previous post vamp means gay man) something more than work, parties, sex. As the eternal Armond, I want to be quickened once more, however, as much as it may appeal to these vampires (the actor, the choreographer, and the lawyer) they all must regretfully decline. Well, today after a night of trying to get my modem working (yes, I was up until four o'clock for those keeping score) I decided to put the lid back on my coffin. Maybe it is time for me to regretfully decline. Love has always been a curse to me. It is a dark gift. One of which has become a gift I don't think I want. I see all of my happy friends, Action and Consuela, Snowboy and Nathan, Anita and Mr. Big. They are happy together and are ready for this gift of light, not darkness. But me, it is only darkness and I don't think I want to accept this gift. I attended a woman's university for a reason. To stop with the love affairs, well, in the last two years I have had three close calls, but nothing turning up aces. So I am going to throw my deck of cards away, and hope one day I will pick up another deck that is not full of deuces that are wild.

Lestat

Sex, lies and videotape...

What is it about sex that screws up our lives? Why is it always on our brains? I am not just talking about men, which yes we do think about it 98% of the time, but women too. Sex is good, sex is great, but really what is up with sex? I found out recently that someone wouldn't accept my offer of a date because they thought I was not sexual, and they thought that I wouldn't like them because of how much sex they had before we met. Okay, first off who is going to throw away a great night of sex with someone who has expirience? Really? Anyway, onto other news.

Congrats to Consuela for getting back a negative on her test results!!! That is great. Yes, sunscreen for me as well from now on. I hope Portland can handle us. I am getting excited.

Anita, hope you get your kicks this weekend, have fun for me while I am in the badlands.

Lets all try to get together soon.

Lestat

The Vampire

Why have I gone this long without explaining my name or talking of vampires? How distracted I have been. The Vampire Lestat, my old pseudonym. Now, I am more like Armand, but back in the day, I know it wasn't that long ago. I was known as a Lestat. I had every aspect of his character in my being. I was the hunter, who found companions who left them. I was the damned soul that would live forever and who regrets nothing (hope you see the parallel with Armand in the last phrase). Armand was the natural choice to evolve. As most intelligent scholars of the chronicles know, the vampires are a metaphor for gay men, as a metaphor for life. It is like watching episodes of Sex in the City, Friends, and Queer as Folk where you have the archetypical characters that everyone can relate to. Here recently I have found a Louis character that has peaked my interest. You know him as Riff. But here recently I have felt like the reverse of what happened in Interview with a Vampire, where Louis is the one that says "you want me to quicken you once more, and as much as that thought appeals to me I must regretfully decline." This is much more of what I would like to say to him. But as I have not made it through The Vampire Armand so I don't know his side yet. I do know that he stayed with Lestat through the years and was there when Louis came back to New Orleans. Armand, always going back to the old days. Old friendships and love that is forgotten. I have a bit of Lestat left in me. These two characters Armand and Lestat both loved Louis. But that is the difference. I can't love Riff. He won't let me. I don't know him. I fear I never will. I can never say that I loved him, because I have never truly known him. Only surface level scans and readings. So, now it is time to go find a new Louis, unless this one can find his way home like in the end of The Vampire Lestat.


Lestat

The Bourne Supremacy

So, what am I thinking. I emailed Riff and told him I would like to go see this movie that both of use want to see. But now, I don't know. I want to go see the movie and I want to see him, but I know what kind of night it will turn into. I have to make some ground rules. One, no talking about Tyler, the guys phone number that I received and Riff did not. This is probably the most important one seeing as how it is the one that makes him jealous the most. Two, no talking about any other men I may or may not being going out with soon. This will also be harder than it looks as I am very open about who I am interested in (as long as it isn't with them). Three, no show talk, I don't want to be all reminiscent with him about good ol' West Side. la la la. Now, if only I can stick to these three rules, I will be okay. Lets hope he does.

Lestat

Boys boys boys

Why do we really feel the need for revenge? I think it is a guy thing, although hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. But there is such a need in male/male relationships to see blood after it is over. No matter if it is friendship or love interest we always want to see blood and be on top. It's the whole need to be alpha male. This is even more defined in the gay world. Because really, we have a lot more to be alpha about. We have smaller herds, we have to prove that we are better than most people to get equal treatment and blah blah blah. I am tired of this. I want to be equal without trying to be better. I am a human being I am going to act like one. Not a gay man who has to be well behaved so that society will say, ah yes gay people are just like us. No, I want to be revengeful and all that jazz(btw, I don't think I have ever written about so many musical songs in my life), but I think I will take my dear Babs advice and play it cool, boy real cool. We will see.

L

Being better off

So, last night was very interesting. I was called by Riff. How wonderful, not. He proceeded to be very jealous and annoying. Like it was my fault that I got the cute guys phone number. Okay, yes I did ask for someone else's phone number, but me and Riff are not together, nor have we ever been together. Well, after asking for the guy's phone number I found out Riff was also interested in him. Yes, stupid I know for going after him. I knew this would only breed trouble with Riff. But oh well, bring it. Riff isn't going to be with me obviously, so why should I wait around from him. Words from my dear Babs say: "I know you want to tell him off, but I am getting the feeling that he almost likes that. I know that sounds weird, but it's like it ups the challenge and he resists more just for fun." So, yeah. Maybe now, Maybe never. I don't know. There are so many things that I would like to say, just for my own sanity, but like always I don't think they will ever be said. Goodbye Riff, Hello Tyler.

Lestat

Kiss today goodbye...

Well, the show has ended. So, have a lot of other things. No more do I have the chance to hang out with all the people I want to all the time. I will never get to see some of their shinning faces and will have to sit and wonder what some of them are doing. How sad. I cried in the dressing room the last day of the show. I didn't want anyone to see me, but I am glad Anita found me. I have left a lot of shows, but there are some I just don't want to leave. It always breaks my heart to leave, most of all it hurts so hard with this group. I am glad that so many are close to me and that I can stay in touch with most of them. I can't wait to see some of them tonight. Good show tonight at auditions guys. I am sending you all my strength.

I don't know anymore about Riff. He said he will keep in touch, but I am almost sure I will never see him again. And why should he want to after what I did. I told him off, bruised his ego, got the hot guys phone number and told him I wouldn't be holding my breath for him to call. So, here's to goodbyes, the sadness and the sorrow. We all did what we had to do... If it was ment to be then it will.

It's time for the last bow and me to say goodbye to the show. Farewell, till then next time, goodbye West Side Story.


Lestat

So,

So, I did that thing you do when people are being a bastard, yeah I took the number out of the phone.  Maybe now he will call me, but hey, I won't know.  unless he leaves me a message, which, last time he didn't.  Oh my, I am a loser for holding on to long.  My boss just told me he owes me a date, Anita writes, Good for you for taking Riff off your phone. Jackass needs to get his shit together and take you out for dinner.  Yeah, I know.  Thanks babe.  I am just waiting to hear Consuela's wonderful voice saying, "Lestat, dump the bitch you're too good for him"  and my day would be complete.  Love you Consuela, you always make my day.  Note to Anita, someone was stuck in Irving with his significant other.  I think it's time to bring the gay Mafia in and off him, he he he :P  That's all for now, back to work....

Lestat

De-Lovely

Last night I went to see a showing of the new movie about Cole Porter, De-Lovely.  It was amazing.  I think it is a must see.  I laughed, cried and was entertained the whole way through.  Of course the boy didn't call last night, hasn't email-ed, you get the drift.  But, OH, what a great movie.  The music, the dancing, the story...A complete package.  I saw that movie and I thought of all the faerie support I have had (faerie support-previously under fag hags, now has changed to more PC).  Linda, Cole Porter's wife, was just this.  Their love affair was that of a gay man and a fag hag.  My eyes swelled with tears through out the movie.  I will not spoil it here, but soon I will.  So go out and see it. 

Today is the first of the last three shows we will do in the run of my show.  I have been becoming very sentimental and sad.  I know there are certain people I will not loose, and will be with for a while, but there are others I know I may never see again.  What an emotional baggage case I am.  To the two people in the cast who have my blog.  I think about you so often.  You are always in my thoughts.  I know that we will stay friends for a long time after this.  To my dear Anita,  I will always remember the strength you have during the rape scene.  How I am standing behind you and I see your hair and profile and even your mic, I will never get that horribly, beautiful picture out of my head.  You are so strong and completely beautiful during the time prior to the rape and after it you still have that strength and beauty.  What a wonderful mark of a great actress.  To my wonderful Consuela, I will never forget the first time I saw you in America I thought what a dancer.  The levels that you show when you are dancing of excitement and love and fun.  You are so beautiful and it is magnified in your dance.  Okay so I love the word beautiful, sue me.  I think you to are.  I love you both and miss you every day. 

See you beautifuls tonight,

Lestat
when love comes...

This is why I hate people...

A great line from a show called The Opposite of Sex.  That is what I was going to write about, but Babs commented on the last post, so now my spirits are higher.  (Wish I had spirits to make it even higher, but oh well) .  The boy, still has not called me.  Now, I have to call him yet again, because Ms. Grotziella would like me to.  I'm not mad at her, she is giving me a reason to call, I am just so mad at stupid boys.  Okay time to laugh at my neurotic self.  HHHHHAAAA.  Really, it was more of a guffaw.  la la la.  Whatever.  Times they are a changing, sing it Bob. 

Lestat

Note:  I will probably regret this post as soon as I talk with Riff, but hey, he deserves it. 

Laughing and Forgetting...

I wish sometimes I could laugh more.  Like I wish it was possible to laugh forever.  I think I would live long(if I could eat) .  But more importantly I wish I could forget more.  Maybe, this is a bad request seeing as how my grandfather died of altymers and they think it is hereditary.  Wow, was that two years ago now?  I don't remember and sometimes that is a good thing.  Forgetting, what a wonderful concept.  However, I know I can not always laugh and that sometimes I have to remember.  Okay, enough of this, I have a ton of work to do.

L

And one time at cheer camp...

So, you look hung over, long night? 

No, I was up at 6 this morning.

Why would you do that?

I had to go to cheer camp.

Does this have anything to do with Riff?

Yes.

This was how the conversation went yesterday at work.  Yes, the elusive man had asked me to come watch his cheer squad at cheer camp.  What was I thinking?  It was however a lot of fun and just proves more that he does actually like me, or (little voice in the back of my head says) just needs attention.  So, I am at SMU watching a bunch of cheerleaders going insane trying to learn all of these moves, his girls and guys not doing so well, and me just hanging around.  I am not a morning person, but thought, he wants me to be there so I will be there as bright and shining as I can be.  Well, turns out he was real drunk the night before and he is also not a morning  person.  I walk into a huge coliseum and see millions of cheerleaders doing warmup aerobics.  Must say, I was a little turned on, he he (I know it's sad).  I spotted him pretty quickly, because even in a room full of cheerleaders he is always the tallest one.  He is trying to do the warm up, and I have to laugh at his dorkiness.  Granted I love dorks, so there you go.  I go over near him and I notice he is wearing his glasses.  Mmmmm cute.   And he brings me out onto the floor and starts to introduce me around.  I start to get the feeling like I am the coach's girlfriend.  His squad even asks.  I run into my old alma mater's squad and talk with the instructor.  I don't ever become completely comfortable (hey it was morning, I still was not up, and I was at cheer camp with the boy I like), but I get to have some good  conversations with him.  He wanted to know if I was going to be auditioning for the next show, and he really wanted me to call him to tell him how work went and what I thought.  It was a pretty fun day, although very weird for me.  I met a girl cheering at my old school's squad that was in junior high when I was at that college.  I met old friends coming out the woodwork.  Then on the drive home something hit me.  I had realized that I knew my way home, but I had made some minor mistakes and had to use some service roads.  Nothing new in Dallas, even if you live there it happens at times.  I had the distinct thought that maybe Riff and I where like that.  We are on the right track, we just keep getting off at the wrong stops.  Maybe one day we will find the right one. 

That's all I can write for now,

Lestat

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what to do.  In life, there are so many things that are possibilities.  What to do when we grow up, who to date/marry/sleep with, what to eat, to exercise, ect... And I wonder what will these decisions give us.  Will there ever be inner peace?  I think yes, because I have hope and if there isn't a chance for perfection and peace, I would rather die trying.  I want the possibility of peace, even if one does not give it to me.  Is this an arrogance thing?  Maybe, but I am a fighter, always have been, which I guess says something about my love life.  la la la.  I hope tonight to be joined by a beautiful and wonderful man to see the Bourne Supremacy.  Will this be a good thing?  Maybe, or maybe he will chicken out one more time.  I am about to sign the lease on my apartment.  Maybe that's a good thing, I hope.  I am about to embark on a new journey through grad dance, what am I thinking?  Maybe it will be fun.  I just ran into someone who I told, He who is content with little possesses much, and I do believe this.  Right now I am content where I am.  I am happy.  I could be happier, but why make myself miserable over that?  I am going to stay happy, come hell or high water!  And that's my new philosophy, he he.

Besos,

Lestat

So I was masturbating...

Yes, sorry to be so graphic, but I was.  When a knock came on my door.  You see, last night, I feel horrible about this, my ex-whatever wanted to see me.  Well, I was afraid that he would try to have sex with me one last time.  Yes, I am that arrogant, but he's tried to have sex with me before, so not completely.  I open the door and we have this long wonderful conversation.  Why was I so worried?  I just never want to leave anything badly.  He came in and I knew he was wanting sex, not necessarily from me, but sex (we all have that look in our eyes from time to time).  We sat down and he gave me 3 special gifts.  Each mean something to me, well at least 2 did.  One, a pair of shoes (didn't really mean anything to me).  Two, a movie with Elijah Wood in it.  I love Elijah Wood, always have, so that was real special and sweet.  Then lastly, he brought me a decoration of a lighthouse.  He loves lighthouses.  They are his favorite thing.  He didn't want me to forget him.  My heart melted.  I remembered why we had been together for so long.  We sat and talked about so much.  He asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I did use the guy in the previous draft to make sure he knew I was talking with someone so that he wouldn't try sex.  But, I think this guy might  actually be coming around.  We talked about where he was going and my show and when he was going to see it.  He wants to meet one of the castmates that I am friends with for a fling.  la la la.  I think it is great.  I wished we could have had more of these conversations.  He will be a gay friend I will miss terribly.  It is so hard to talk to gay guys as just friends and we now have finally been there and have mastered it.  Wow, we grew up.

To let you know of how things are with the castmate previously mention he is turning around.  He asked me to go to his alumni homecoming and watch him cheer.  How crazy is that?  He also told me yesterday that he wants to hang out this week.  Maybe, as my good friend told me, he is just so scared this may work out.  That he will have to bring me home to mom and dad and tell them this is my boyfriend.  Maybe, something is going to come from the sleepless nights and sordid glances. 

It is a good time to go to Sweden soon.  Hopefully, we will get together on Wednesday or possibly Thursday.  We definitely need time, the most precious commodity.  Time to be together commune, fellowship.  There may not be a ring, but we have been on quite a journey together.  Although that journey is coming to an end, we (I hope, I hope, I HOPE) will not.  I have loved more in this show than I have in a long time.  I have friends who want to be with me and who love me and support me.  I have friends who are along with that amazing and talented and fun and beautiful.  They have helped me along, and have been true soulmates. 

I am going to sign the lease on my apartment today.  I have been worried about that.  I have been apartment sitting for the summer and I know that the guy is not coming back.  I have wanted this apartment for a year.  I am so glad I have it now.  It does make me sad I am signing a years lease.  I hope that Anita and I will be able to live together someday.  I love her so much and would love to have her around.  But, I do know that there will be an apartment open by me in six months.  So, maybe.   If not she will be in here in Madrid.  She is so wonderful.  My other two friends Consuela and Action are thinking of moving to Chicago.  I would be so happy for them.  But, I am selfish and hope they stay in Sweden for a while (its so close).  Just so I can be with them a bit longer.   Hopefully, Riff would like to leave Bellesville and come to Madrid or maybe one day come to Barcelona with me.  The others, I love so much I hope to see them often.  Snowboy lives in Madrid with me and that is a great thing.  Hopefully, one day we can all meet again, Somewhere.  he he.  I am getting so emotional. 

My life as a series of moments, I will soon be to the next.  Change.  The moment of Peace,

Lestat

 

Later, the next day

So, what I am today?  crazy, sad, happy?  Sometimes I don't know and that's okay.  I am having a great time with the show I am involved in, however, it is about to be over.  What's next, a break and then school I am afraid.  I have to start grad school in the fall.  I wonder what certain people in the show will do after we finish?  Will I see them again?  I know I will see those I became close to, but what of the others?   What of the one crush in the show?  I know, bad bad bad actor Lestat!!!  We are becoming closer, I think.  Well, at least we talk more now.  Not that any of the crush has made it on stage.  No DRAMA ON STAGE BUT THE DRAMA ON STAGE!!!  Yes, big believer of keeping personal drama off stage, and we have.  Last night he did something crazy, he asked me to come to his old college for homecoming.  What am I suppose to think about that.  Did he open up and let me know he cares, like I know he does?   Or, is he just being a prick and leading me on?  Sometimes, I loose the fact that he still likes me and focus on the latter.  That's bad, la la la.  I just hope soon he realizes that we should try to work this out.  I am not saying that it will be a life-long love affair, but that's what we need to see.  We need to learn to risk more.  Jump out on the edge and sometimes we need to fall and feel heartbroken.  It reminds me of a great line of Gibran's --
                
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
 
I want to laugh it all and cry more.  I want not possessiveness (is this a word? Probably not)  but freedom from the fear of not knowing.  I want to talk, to agree, to disagree, to smile, to cry, to be scared.  I want to feel it all. 

I know I am selfish.

But that is what I want.  So, today I am going to see the Borne Identity with him.  He doesn't know this yet, but I am thinking positively.  he he.  Okay, so, maybe he won't be able to go, but I am still going to ask.  Why do I keep feeling like I am in third grade?  Oh yeah, because we are acting that way.   But this brings me to a huge point.  Gay men grow up differently I think.  We have to lives to grow up in.  One, we have our daily lives, our friendships and finding ourselves lives, which has nothing to do with the fact that we are gay.  The other is our gay life.  Since our world has been so against us for so long we have hidden it.  Made it a bad thing, made it something secret.  So, part of our life is undeveloped, still a boy.  This is how it was for so long.  Now, we are coming out earlier and with a better acceptance, but still it takes us a while to grow up in the gay part of our life.  So, as little boys we play these games and hurt each other and that is why we are stereotyped as bitter, unhappy boys.  We have not learned to grow up and become men.  Real Gay Men!  Hopefully one day it will change.

Until then,

Lestat 

Sometimes, he he I feel like a man

Okay, so I am not the most outwardly manly man.  I am very fem and that's okay.  I do, however, have outbursts of testosterone from time to time.  Point in case, today.  My friends battery went dead last night.  Not so tragic, I know, but a flamer and a girly girl, you do the math.  So, we when to Wal Mart this morning at 5:00 (this is not an ad, although, it does sound like one), and decided we would change it ourselves.  Let me tell you, the finding of the battery was not so easy.  Well, it is easy, but we had problems.  I'll explain them in another life when we are both cats, la la la.  Then, after all was said and done, who changed the battery?  WE DID!! Yes, it was a very big accomplishment for us.  Life is looking better now, in these days of endless mediocrity that have suddenly turned into  a joyous celebration of friends.  NO!! I haven't been laid, just re-evaluating things.  I have always known that I would not find someone in Texas, so why do I meet anyone?  I also know that I will not be married until after 30 (and even then it may not be legal still).  So what is the big rush in finding someone?  It's mainly because I want to cuddle, fight, make up, laugh, cry, and do all that other romantic blah that everyone wants.  And that is okay to want, but lately I have found it in friends.  Yes, friends do share a bond where we laugh and cry and love (hopefully not sexually, because then you aren't friends, not judging, just saying friends who have sex don't stay friends for long they either end or start a relationship).   There is a strong love bond in friends.  It is a form of a relationship where a bond is made.  Now, you may only have a few of those.  Right now I am able to have a few at one time.  I love Billie and Rob and Brynne and Ben, those are my relationships right now.  Again friendships, but the love is strong and we are protecting each other, nurturing each other, providing for each other, and most importantly enjoying life, something I haven't done in a while.  I am so happy with this what do I need with men, other than sex and I can get that anytime, he he.  But really, I need to focus more on my needs and the needs of those around me right now.  Me first, them second and then worry after I am 40 I can start crying about not being with someone.  I have a life to lead and I need to live it.  So, today I am embarking on a journey.  I know it sounds medievil, la la la.  A journey to focus more on the day to day.  My old director used to say, "You are right here, right now.  This is a moment, this is another.   You are perfect, you are being used as a model. . . Focus on right now where you are."  I think that is the best advice I have recieved as an actor and in life.  This is right now, let me worry about that first, then I will see about tomorrow. 

Till then,

Lestat

What can I give you,
Poor as I am,
If I were a shephard,
I would give you a lamb.
If I was a baker,
I'd bake you a tart.
But what can I give you?
I give you my heart.
~I don't know the origins, but thank you Raymond for telling us that every show.

Friends and Lovers

Where to begin?  Lets say a courtship takes longer than intended.  Possibly much longer than intended.  Should we give up if it does not go our way?  But what if we are continually lead on, is that not their fault?  If we gave up and they still shower you with affection is this me that is to blame?  No, however there is something to say about fooled me once shame on you, fooled me twice shame on me.  saddened to last sentence : This an actor/dancer can remember and our president can't, Ha ha Ha ha Ha.  But what about the three strike clause, or maybe you should just let them go and see if they come after you (HA).  Or maybe you should just try to make friends.  That is the worst of them all, yet it is the only one that works.  It incorporates all the rules into one.  You can't let them fool you again, because you are only friends, the three strike clause goes into effect as friends and they start over.  And lastly, you basically are letting go.  That uncool yet necessary free fall that finds you and makes you sick.  Yes, I am in that free for all, but there is good news...It won't last forever. 

I hate how this sounds like a self-help article, however that is I think what I need, possibly.  I don't know anymore what I need, other than to work and perform.

Lestat

Today

What to talk about?  So much.  I am sure as I write, something will come to me.   I have a friend on this site who I love to read.  So now I am going to start writing mine.  To link to my friends site, http://lesstraveledby.blogspot.com, go check it out sometime.  Sex, what a many splendid thing, unless you aren't having it.  How unhappy it makes you when you you don't get it.  okay, so we all know that...I will stop with the pity party.  So, let's talk about what happens when you haven't had sex in a while. You become a bit like a movie I was watching last night, He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.  Just going to tell you, read no more if you don't want spoilers, not that many will watch this French film.  You become a erotomaniac.  Which is to say that you become delusional and start to imagine that the men you love are in love with you and that you have a life together.  Okay!!!  So my disease is not as bad as in the movie.  No, I don't think the man I like is in love with me, BUT I keep having some kind of symptoms.  I get nervous when he's around, I get flirty, I plan the next move and soon I am thinking of where the date is going to be.  I know this is wrong, rule number one of being in a show, don't date or f*** any of your co-stars.  However, this is not in a professional environment like usual, so why not.  Is it my projection disease, that I just assume everyone will like me?  No, wait I don't have that self-confidence.   Everyone knows we like each other, but nothing is coming of anything.  Now, many of my friends don't think I am in the wrong, because he has giving me affection, flirtation, hell even full on "I like YOU" messages in return.  So what is his disease, lack of commitment with a spoonful of scared sh*tless.  Okay there I have said it.  And I feel better.  Maybe one day he will admit it and will be able to beg me for my forgiveness, because that is all he will get.  Well, I guess I did have something to say.

with love,

lestat

my father gathers wool,
my mother shuttles yarn,
but I am a weaver of dreams.
maggie miller