title: no fumar
QAF
Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here? (Ep. 120)
Open to the toilet seat every night. I started about a week and a half ago. Waking, not being able to breathe, puking because of it. I thought I was just sick. Open a bottle of meds pop the Nyquil or Dayquil, try to sleep for 2 hours and get back to work. Grad school is demanding. I finally went to the doctors 3 or 4 days after this started, okay I wasn't going to go until I puked the blood. I went to the doctors to get a Z-Pac and go home. But what I received was what I feared most.
Enter Asthma stage right. The ghost that I had defeated in the past, my Voldemort. Now, newly revived. I had to start a breathing treatment immediately.
Flashback to when I was a kid, on the floor with a breathing machine watching Sesame Street.
I sat in the room hooked up to a breathing machine thinking of the statements the doctors made. You have the breath of a small child, a girl small child. She scoffs and asks how I ever was a dancer or had enough breath to act.
I remember the hospitals, the nights of not breathing, and the millions of reasons why I can't have asthma again.
My voice is still gone, scratchy, and not up to do a show. I have only a few weeks to the role of my life and I may have f*cked it up royally.
This is why I now have no fumar in my life. It is officially day 5 since I threw the fags away. My breathing is better. I haven't had an attack in 2 days. I use an inhaler 4 times a day for now, and have a set of pills that make me real dizzy. One in the morning and one at night. I am not to operate heavy machinery and I am glad I don't have a boyfriend right now.
I wake up and move on. I miss the first drag of a fag in the morning, or with a pint. I will not lie; this is the worst feeling of my life wanting something that is killing me. I feel so stupid, but I was for smoking in the first place. eh.
I am reading the book A Million Little Pieces. It's about an addict in rehab. Now, I don't feel so bad about myself and seeing what he went through makes me feel a little silly about wanting a fag so much. But I still do. And even people in rehab get to smoke.
Bitter, party of one...
I danced yesterday and although I was dizzy from the meds...I was happy...
fade out, cue inspiring music, go cry in the dark corner...
19 December 2005
09 December 2005
05 December 2005
1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 11:00am, Yes all be jealous, but know that this is the first in a while of me getting up this late.
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS ? Neither, don't really care for them.
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Harry Potter
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. show? The only show on TV: LOST, Nip/Tuck is a close 2nd.
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Nothing today.
6. What IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Scott
7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Mexican
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Not much, turnips and beats
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? Salt and Vinigar
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? The Joshua Tree, has and will be my favorite for a while, long live U2
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Ford Escort ZX2
12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? PBAJ (apple jelly)
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Ego
14. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU LOVE MOST? Hope
15. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Anything that looks good on me, and looks better off ;)
16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Prague or Barcelona
17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? Black white and green
18. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? I love me some Merona, ie cheap Metro/gay where that looks hot, business/chiq
19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? Spain or Hawaii
20. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? The one with the least presents and most friends, as of now I cannot tell you the year.
21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? futball, and no I didn't mispell it to the American readers it is soccer. And rugby.
22. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? Well, this is suppose to be an email, but I am lazy and like to blog. So you tell me leave a response!!
23. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? again leave a response and put this on your blog!!
24. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? see above
25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 23 Nov
26. WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?? Of what?
27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? I'm a nightie he he
28. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 8
29. ANY PETS? I have joint custody of a mini pinnie
30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Found a nice little pub last night and yes, I gave the bartender my number...
31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Indiana Jones
32. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired, too many Grad papers
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? something with caramel and almonds, mmmmmm
34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? I love fire and ice roses, but birds of paradise are so beautiful
35. WHAT IS A DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? Honestly? Not sure- yet.
36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Czech Republic.
37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? Baths, reading outside and being around close friends
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS ? Neither, don't really care for them.
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Harry Potter
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. show? The only show on TV: LOST, Nip/Tuck is a close 2nd.
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Nothing today.
6. What IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Scott
7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Mexican
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Not much, turnips and beats
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? Salt and Vinigar
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? The Joshua Tree, has and will be my favorite for a while, long live U2
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Ford Escort ZX2
12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? PBAJ (apple jelly)
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Ego
14. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU LOVE MOST? Hope
15. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Anything that looks good on me, and looks better off ;)
16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Prague or Barcelona
17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? Black white and green
18. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? I love me some Merona, ie cheap Metro/gay where that looks hot, business/chiq
19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? Spain or Hawaii
20. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? The one with the least presents and most friends, as of now I cannot tell you the year.
21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? futball, and no I didn't mispell it to the American readers it is soccer. And rugby.
22. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? Well, this is suppose to be an email, but I am lazy and like to blog. So you tell me leave a response!!
23. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? again leave a response and put this on your blog!!
24. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? see above
25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 23 Nov
26. WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY?? Of what?
27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? I'm a nightie he he
28. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 8
29. ANY PETS? I have joint custody of a mini pinnie
30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Found a nice little pub last night and yes, I gave the bartender my number...
31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Indiana Jones
32. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Tired, too many Grad papers
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? something with caramel and almonds, mmmmmm
34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? I love fire and ice roses, but birds of paradise are so beautiful
35. WHAT IS A DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? Honestly? Not sure- yet.
36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Czech Republic.
37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? Baths, reading outside and being around close friends
02 December 2005
atrapado
dull friday blues...I saved this draft to edit later, well maybe not edit but to finish. Work is good...better if I am not there...
29 November 2005
en el agotamiento
QAF Quote:
Brian: Who told you I was here, Rosencrantz or Guildenstern? (Episode: 201)
Open to a dark room piled with books. This is the life of a grad student. Yes pouring over thousand of pieces of literature and information in the attempt to get a nice little MA degree. Yeah! I am so happy!
Box that lie and sell it on ebay.
I feel so behind. I have so much to do. Procrastination sucks. Okay, being just plain busy sucks.
To my dear Babs, we need to get away. I miss talking to you everyday. I haven't heard your voice in so long.
Box a tear and send it to her.
I have been writing in chopped blocks so much right now. And I have to finish up this script soon. I have an amazing new scene being constructed in my head. Should be putting that down on paper right now, but will have to wait for a second. It starts with the line from Prufrock
And the evening sleeps so peacefully...
I think Michel knows the women that G talks with and they talk to him. Maybe. Haven't decided. But I am 2 scenes ahead of myself. Not that I have written it in order, or maybe I did. Check out the order soon. Give a copy to a friend, a critic and finally to myself...no sleep...coffee after coffee. And yes I have measured out my life in coffee spoons and I do hear the voices dying with a dying fall and HAVE presumed...
I have been giving thought to what is worth it the last few days. What is worth my time?
Spent time with good friends the other night, with Juanita and Lucia what a great time, but of course Lucia has to look up my birthday and tell me about myself. I am so textbook when I read horoscopes and such. It sucks. That's my American phrase today. It sucks, okay backspace the negativity. I didn't take time to create my day. I also didn't get to run. I feel crazy. Maybe when I get in tonight I will have time. But I need to study lines, get my orals ready, and write some papers. boo... oh well,
cheers guys,
L
28 November 2005
funcionamiento en vacío
Quote from QAF:
Ted: Crunchy granola? Are you girls trying to convert me? (Episode: 402)
Scene opens in darkness...
a light shines on the stage and gives it form...
I will learn how to create my day as well if not better than my plays...
great I'm doing poetry again...
Jump out of bed and put on a marshmellow outfit to run. I am trying to do it for 40 days. Keep the Turkey day pounds off, Christmas pounds off and to sound more enlightened...on the jog I stop thinking... only the huffs ring in my ears...
It is an iteresting sensation going on a run. Low in breath, so you breath in so much your lungs fill with oxygen and send blood to the brain. Euforia, adrinaline and a general state of high settles.
I run out of breath quickly...thoughts flood me again, why am I still a smoker, asthma sucks, and I start to walk.
Thoughts of things I need to do, creations for the day run into my head...I leave the area I am walking in and travel through my brain...does this make me sound smart, am I deep...wait backspace, that is what I am thinking now. I finish my walk and go to deposit in my account. I am getting low. Need more cash...
I stop by the 99 peso store to grab something, it's closed, nothing in the fabric shop next to it, I decide to take a walk to a store next door and look around for a bit.
I try the door, no one there, only a few minutes till they open I start to wait and hear a friendly voice. Valencia is there.
"36, you told someone I was 36!" I said as I hugged her neck. We talked in her car as we waited to go inside. Inside the store we found nothing but friendship and reconnection. We exchanged numbers again and will start work soon.
Fly to school. I have no time and forget 3 things before leaving. I don't have my lines down as well as I want to. Damn.
Onto work, am met with a sad story. Need to help, don't know how. Hope it is well with you if this screen can connect to you...hug...
I see my co-worker come in and I want to grab a break so I can eat. He runs out. Not in the literal sense, he just left for an errand. What a day.
10 November 2005
Sicopático
Ben: Are you okay?
Michael: I don't know. I just can't seem to settle down, you know? Too much excitement, I guess.
Ben: Ah. Has been pretty eventful.
Michael: No shit. My head is spinning. The Ride and the baby and the wedding.
Ben: Can you believe we're really married?
Michael: Are we? Really?
Ben: Of course we are.
Michael: But we don't live in Canada. We live here. So, is it still real?
Ben: Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?
Michael: So worth it. (Episode: 414)
:: submitted by kalindy
open page...
In recent events Texas has just banned gay marriage...again...
Change subject quickly as to avoid hostel situation...
I am recently living in a haze. I have finally come to a place in theatre where I am extremely happy. I am very excited about Romeo and Juliet. I am the fight choreographer and playing Mercutio. The guys have been working hard and learning the choreography...I am in hog heaven...
haze lifts for a moment and I realize how tired I am. I look at my school and begin to realize this might not be the place for me...knowing I have only a year left leaves me happy and I think of the life I will have soon...
Destination unknown...
Along with the many million Americans I have become entranced with Lost. I have connected with it and getting on a plane will never be the same. I will always have to think, will I survive and in what state?
Page break and pause to think of something else witty to say...
I feel my life coming to a slow drag these days. I am tired of being the sweet little person everyone loves, but I still long to be that person. I am torn inside. Part of me is very glad Seussical is over. Backspace line should read I am very glad Seussical is over. pause, mind shifts to a post mortem for the show that is happening tonight. I can't be there... Another rehearsal conflicts. But I really need to be there. I also should be typing up a letter of why I am not there and what I want to say. I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about that show. I don't like to be a diva bitch, but if I am forced to play that role I will. I did act first.
Realization that I am beating a dead horse and not wanting to complain...
Attention again to R&J, and I remember all I have to do tonight. I want to take a nap.
Work is almost over...I feel like Ted from Queer as Folk when at work...I walk around like I am dead inside...Its because I am...
End Transcript Sign off
Michael: I don't know. I just can't seem to settle down, you know? Too much excitement, I guess.
Ben: Ah. Has been pretty eventful.
Michael: No shit. My head is spinning. The Ride and the baby and the wedding.
Ben: Can you believe we're really married?
Michael: Are we? Really?
Ben: Of course we are.
Michael: But we don't live in Canada. We live here. So, is it still real?
Ben: Let me ask you a question. Even if it was real for just a day, was it worth it?
Michael: So worth it. (Episode: 414)
:: submitted by kalindy
open page...
In recent events Texas has just banned gay marriage...again...
Change subject quickly as to avoid hostel situation...
I am recently living in a haze. I have finally come to a place in theatre where I am extremely happy. I am very excited about Romeo and Juliet. I am the fight choreographer and playing Mercutio. The guys have been working hard and learning the choreography...I am in hog heaven...
haze lifts for a moment and I realize how tired I am. I look at my school and begin to realize this might not be the place for me...knowing I have only a year left leaves me happy and I think of the life I will have soon...
Destination unknown...
Along with the many million Americans I have become entranced with Lost. I have connected with it and getting on a plane will never be the same. I will always have to think, will I survive and in what state?
Page break and pause to think of something else witty to say...
I feel my life coming to a slow drag these days. I am tired of being the sweet little person everyone loves, but I still long to be that person. I am torn inside. Part of me is very glad Seussical is over. Backspace line should read I am very glad Seussical is over. pause, mind shifts to a post mortem for the show that is happening tonight. I can't be there... Another rehearsal conflicts. But I really need to be there. I also should be typing up a letter of why I am not there and what I want to say. I still have a bitter taste in my mouth about that show. I don't like to be a diva bitch, but if I am forced to play that role I will. I did act first.
Realization that I am beating a dead horse and not wanting to complain...
Attention again to R&J, and I remember all I have to do tonight. I want to take a nap.
Work is almost over...I feel like Ted from Queer as Folk when at work...I walk around like I am dead inside...Its because I am...
End Transcript Sign off
24 September 2005
en la calle
Michael: If you don't answer it he'll go away.
Brian: You said I was welcome anytime. (Queer as Folk Episode: 302)
It has been one of those times, when I have flown off to Neverland. I am Peter Pan by the way, the boy that never grew up.
After watching, no backspace, crying through Finding Neverland, I remember why Theatre is the only place for me. I will never grow up...
...J.M. Barrie: [watching George react to the knowledge that his mother is seriously ill] Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds... you became a grown-up...
But Peter does grow up, and I remember the moment I did. I was too young. We are always too young when we do...I remember long summers with my mother. My sister is dyslexic and had to go to Sylvan. It never hindered her in school and she grew up one of the most popular girls, no one ever knowing the first years of her life living with a "learning handicap." She was cured, because that is what happens to diseases, but I digress as that is another story. My mother would take me with her to the neighboring town as my sister went to the learning center. Our "biggest small town in the world" had no such center. We would go and look at sheet music in the piano stores, shop, go to the bookstores, and eat TCBY ice cream as my sister toiled away working on learning. It was later that my mother took me back to this town to do these things when my sister was all grown up, that I began to realize it was her way watching me grow up. With each new time I learned more.
Later when Christianity took over my life... (I am still a believer, my views have just shifted)...I became in my mother's words, "the spiritual leader" in our family. I was set off to do great things...
...later when I left "The Calling" I was to do great things in theatre, and now I have specialized fields she has labeled I will do great things in...
...I remember realizing that I was to take charge, which is why I do so now...I rush in, I make things right...I protect people and make sure they know...
...backspace once again, when my sister was in high school I had to help her with her homework every night...I remember never having to study, but studying what my sister needed, as I had to help her...
...My sister and I were never in high school together...I went in the year after she left...
...new page...
I shift endlessly down a street as others walk by and do not notice me...I am spending much of my time working on things to fill up my life, forgetting the one life that should have meaning to me, my own...but I have known for too long...it's why I don't have a boyfriend...I am already married, and my husband is very jealous and keeps me locked in his attention...Senior Theatre and his little boy Peter Pan...
...save draft in folder, title it, notes on my life...
I will tuck it away for when I need to write my autobiography, or maybe get a play started...but for now I will go on...I wasn't suppose to type any of this...
...new post to be written I entitle it en la calle, because I want to write about this cool pic, but will end up writing superficial crap...
Seussical is going well. I am happy to busy my life away, and have enjoyed several new learning experiences that this process has begun to show me... I truly am looking for the "Tower of Learning." What a process. Several new and exciting people in my life and they are helping me, I thank them with all my heart. I have climbed a latter...grown up a little...I feel Peter Pan fading away...I watched Finding Neverland tonight and long to become young again, but the moment has passed, when I was too young to remember...
...insert story...
...insert point...
...marvel at my wittiness and wait for someone to comment, because I crave attention and need love...
...I wrap up the post, spell check it, look through the words and find better ones...
...look over realize I have my wonderful dog here (I have joint custody, long story for another time) and remember that life is worth living hug and kiss on him and then we both go to bed...
Brian: You said I was welcome anytime. (Queer as Folk Episode: 302)
It has been one of those times, when I have flown off to Neverland. I am Peter Pan by the way, the boy that never grew up.
After watching, no backspace, crying through Finding Neverland, I remember why Theatre is the only place for me. I will never grow up...
...J.M. Barrie: [watching George react to the knowledge that his mother is seriously ill] Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds... you became a grown-up...
But Peter does grow up, and I remember the moment I did. I was too young. We are always too young when we do...I remember long summers with my mother. My sister is dyslexic and had to go to Sylvan. It never hindered her in school and she grew up one of the most popular girls, no one ever knowing the first years of her life living with a "learning handicap." She was cured, because that is what happens to diseases, but I digress as that is another story. My mother would take me with her to the neighboring town as my sister went to the learning center. Our "biggest small town in the world" had no such center. We would go and look at sheet music in the piano stores, shop, go to the bookstores, and eat TCBY ice cream as my sister toiled away working on learning. It was later that my mother took me back to this town to do these things when my sister was all grown up, that I began to realize it was her way watching me grow up. With each new time I learned more.
Later when Christianity took over my life... (I am still a believer, my views have just shifted)...I became in my mother's words, "the spiritual leader" in our family. I was set off to do great things...
...later when I left "The Calling" I was to do great things in theatre, and now I have specialized fields she has labeled I will do great things in...
...I remember realizing that I was to take charge, which is why I do so now...I rush in, I make things right...I protect people and make sure they know...
...backspace once again, when my sister was in high school I had to help her with her homework every night...I remember never having to study, but studying what my sister needed, as I had to help her...
...My sister and I were never in high school together...I went in the year after she left...
...new page...
I shift endlessly down a street as others walk by and do not notice me...I am spending much of my time working on things to fill up my life, forgetting the one life that should have meaning to me, my own...but I have known for too long...it's why I don't have a boyfriend...I am already married, and my husband is very jealous and keeps me locked in his attention...Senior Theatre and his little boy Peter Pan...
...save draft in folder, title it, notes on my life...
I will tuck it away for when I need to write my autobiography, or maybe get a play started...but for now I will go on...I wasn't suppose to type any of this...
...new post to be written I entitle it en la calle, because I want to write about this cool pic, but will end up writing superficial crap...
Seussical is going well. I am happy to busy my life away, and have enjoyed several new learning experiences that this process has begun to show me... I truly am looking for the "Tower of Learning." What a process. Several new and exciting people in my life and they are helping me, I thank them with all my heart. I have climbed a latter...grown up a little...I feel Peter Pan fading away...I watched Finding Neverland tonight and long to become young again, but the moment has passed, when I was too young to remember...
...insert story...
...insert point...
...marvel at my wittiness and wait for someone to comment, because I crave attention and need love...
...I wrap up the post, spell check it, look through the words and find better ones...
...look over realize I have my wonderful dog here (I have joint custody, long story for another time) and remember that life is worth living hug and kiss on him and then we both go to bed...
15 September 2005
adiós
Melanie: It isn't right, it isn't fair, it just is (Queer as Folk, Episode 406).
Sometimes, I get the feeling that the act of communication is dead. Yes, what my life has turned into is, "a failure to communicate." So, much is dependent on the act of communicating. Too bad we as human spend so much time learning how to only to give it up when we don't care.
Doctor: It's a priapism, a blood clot to the penis.
Emmett: Well that's better than a blood clot to the head.
Ted: Unless you think with your dick(Queer as Folk, Episode 209).
So many times have I said goodbye because of the lack of this simple, easy connection two people can make. I get mad at few things in my life enough to exit a situation. One, when I am under-appreciated. Two, when I am not wanted around. Finally, three is the discontinuation of fellowship.
It is not unknown that I run with a tight group of people I consider to be close to me. I tell them everything and more. I consider them advisors, cadre, familia, coterie, morale boosters, and most of all supporters of me. I expect them to question me and fight me, but to also see my side of things. If we differ on opinion then lets talk it out. If we agree to disagree then so be it. Sometimes we fight tooth and nail at things, but in the end we can communicate through things and remain amigos.
Because of this it is with no ease that I let one leave and exit my life. It is not my nature to be gregarious with friends I have loved as brothers...
...it feels like a vast vortex in my heart. I feel hurt...
...however, as I close a door tonight in my life, I turn the light on. Hoping that one so inclined will knock and after time be invited back in. I don't believe in burning bridges, however I do think of ends as sand upon a beach. Maybe, hopefully, oneday the sand will return and restore my shore. So too can friends come back and restore themselves. It takes time, but that is a valuable commodity so few are willing to give up. But, if the heart is willing it will be rewarded.
The light is on, and I am home.
Sometimes, I get the feeling that the act of communication is dead. Yes, what my life has turned into is, "a failure to communicate." So, much is dependent on the act of communicating. Too bad we as human spend so much time learning how to only to give it up when we don't care.
Doctor: It's a priapism, a blood clot to the penis.
Emmett: Well that's better than a blood clot to the head.
Ted: Unless you think with your dick(Queer as Folk, Episode 209).
So many times have I said goodbye because of the lack of this simple, easy connection two people can make. I get mad at few things in my life enough to exit a situation. One, when I am under-appreciated. Two, when I am not wanted around. Finally, three is the discontinuation of fellowship.
It is not unknown that I run with a tight group of people I consider to be close to me. I tell them everything and more. I consider them advisors, cadre, familia, coterie, morale boosters, and most of all supporters of me. I expect them to question me and fight me, but to also see my side of things. If we differ on opinion then lets talk it out. If we agree to disagree then so be it. Sometimes we fight tooth and nail at things, but in the end we can communicate through things and remain amigos.
Because of this it is with no ease that I let one leave and exit my life. It is not my nature to be gregarious with friends I have loved as brothers...
...it feels like a vast vortex in my heart. I feel hurt...
...however, as I close a door tonight in my life, I turn the light on. Hoping that one so inclined will knock and after time be invited back in. I don't believe in burning bridges, however I do think of ends as sand upon a beach. Maybe, hopefully, oneday the sand will return and restore my shore. So too can friends come back and restore themselves. It takes time, but that is a valuable commodity so few are willing to give up. But, if the heart is willing it will be rewarded.
The light is on, and I am home.
13 September 2005
cheers
Jennifer: He told the therapist that he likes dick.
Debbie: See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again! (Queer as Folk, Episode 105)
Let's have a round for Lestat. He has finished cutting out Babs' muslin dress pattern for Seussical!!! Now I only have to put it together and try it on her! Superboy was real excited about my finds and I have most of whoville done. Yeah for small victories.
I am becoming much happier, even with my current perdicament. See earlier posts. My other show is going well. We had a breakthrough. I saw a spark hit them and they know now what this little play can be. Yeah for me as a director.
I saw 2 old friends this weekend. Had a great time at the bar on Sunday night. Let's just say, I walked home...
Okay, so as you can tell this blog is a, let's cheer Lestat up one. I can't wait for tomorrow night for drinks with Babs. It will be wonderful. I am sure. I have missed her so much and haven't been able to see her much since our trip to "The City" a few weeks ago.
I have been doing a lot of remembering of Prague. I miss it so much. To be there again and to experience it. The life and passion it brought out in me. What great times. My writing is at a stand still, but hey, what's new?
Life is getting better...I hope. I really want to see Emily Rose and piss my pants soon. Hopefully that will happen.
Debbie: See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again! (Queer as Folk, Episode 105)
Let's have a round for Lestat. He has finished cutting out Babs' muslin dress pattern for Seussical!!! Now I only have to put it together and try it on her! Superboy was real excited about my finds and I have most of whoville done. Yeah for small victories.
I am becoming much happier, even with my current perdicament. See earlier posts. My other show is going well. We had a breakthrough. I saw a spark hit them and they know now what this little play can be. Yeah for me as a director.
I saw 2 old friends this weekend. Had a great time at the bar on Sunday night. Let's just say, I walked home...
Okay, so as you can tell this blog is a, let's cheer Lestat up one. I can't wait for tomorrow night for drinks with Babs. It will be wonderful. I am sure. I have missed her so much and haven't been able to see her much since our trip to "The City" a few weeks ago.
I have been doing a lot of remembering of Prague. I miss it so much. To be there again and to experience it. The life and passion it brought out in me. What great times. My writing is at a stand still, but hey, what's new?
Life is getting better...I hope. I really want to see Emily Rose and piss my pants soon. Hopefully that will happen.
11 September 2005
Rezo
Eileen: I was walking to work.
Robert: I had taken the subway like always.
Brian: My brother and I were fighting.
Rich: I was standing right there.
Casey: We were asleep; we had just made love and dozed off together.
Joshua: I had a speech that day, no one told me; I was miles away.
Robert: The subway stopped and blinked for several minutes, typical.
Eileen: There was a plane, flying, so beautifully, in an amazing path above me.
Rich: I waslked away and didn't even look at it, or see the plane.
Joshua: I had never seen it and never will.
Casey: We had slept in that day because we didn't have class until one.
Eileen: This plane flew with purpose. I knew something was very wrong.
Joshua: I was nervous for my speech so I didn't notice the world around me.
Robert: All of us sitting there waiting, it's funny I remember thinking about Godot.
Eileen: I saw it crash into...(long pause)...I turned around and went home, I didn't care about work and I figured they wouldn't mind if I called in sick.
Rich: I heard it. I fell. And finally started to run.
Joshua: Couldn't hear it, too far away. But later the busy signal was the only sound I could hear.
Casey: I woke up and saw the cloud from our window.
Brian: My brother got a call. I watched him put on his fireman's uniform and he had to go.
Robert: When I finally climbed the stairs I felt I had come out to this ghost town, where...the Ghosts were walking around.
Casey: We made love the rest of the day. We needed to feel, not alone.
Rich: If I had stayed there ten more minutes.
Brian: That minute we stopped fighting.
Joshua: My minutes on stage gave me an A in class, but all I wanted was to
All: Cry
~From Talking with Michelangelo. by Lestat Oberon
It doesn't seem that long to me, but I have relized it was 4 years ago. Wow, four years...and I still can hear the busy signal. I still remember how the day went. Everything as clearly as I lived it. Okay, so a little hazey here and there. I remember hearing from Casey, and days later him talking about the vigil being held in New York.
Casey: "You of all people should be here. This is what you are all about. We are all coming together, singing and holding on to one another. We are no longer alone."
I was lucky not to know anyone in the towers that was hurt. I new one that was in one of the towers, but got out, only to see her husband rush in to save a few more people. New York you are strong and my thoughts are with you. New Orleans I know you will be too. This is not the end, only a new beginning.
Robert: I had taken the subway like always.
Brian: My brother and I were fighting.
Rich: I was standing right there.
Casey: We were asleep; we had just made love and dozed off together.
Joshua: I had a speech that day, no one told me; I was miles away.
Robert: The subway stopped and blinked for several minutes, typical.
Eileen: There was a plane, flying, so beautifully, in an amazing path above me.
Rich: I waslked away and didn't even look at it, or see the plane.
Joshua: I had never seen it and never will.
Casey: We had slept in that day because we didn't have class until one.
Eileen: This plane flew with purpose. I knew something was very wrong.
Joshua: I was nervous for my speech so I didn't notice the world around me.
Robert: All of us sitting there waiting, it's funny I remember thinking about Godot.
Eileen: I saw it crash into...(long pause)...I turned around and went home, I didn't care about work and I figured they wouldn't mind if I called in sick.
Rich: I heard it. I fell. And finally started to run.
Joshua: Couldn't hear it, too far away. But later the busy signal was the only sound I could hear.
Casey: I woke up and saw the cloud from our window.
Brian: My brother got a call. I watched him put on his fireman's uniform and he had to go.
Robert: When I finally climbed the stairs I felt I had come out to this ghost town, where...the Ghosts were walking around.
Casey: We made love the rest of the day. We needed to feel, not alone.
Rich: If I had stayed there ten more minutes.
Brian: That minute we stopped fighting.
Joshua: My minutes on stage gave me an A in class, but all I wanted was to
All: Cry
~From Talking with Michelangelo. by Lestat Oberon
It doesn't seem that long to me, but I have relized it was 4 years ago. Wow, four years...and I still can hear the busy signal. I still remember how the day went. Everything as clearly as I lived it. Okay, so a little hazey here and there. I remember hearing from Casey, and days later him talking about the vigil being held in New York.
Casey: "You of all people should be here. This is what you are all about. We are all coming together, singing and holding on to one another. We are no longer alone."
I was lucky not to know anyone in the towers that was hurt. I new one that was in one of the towers, but got out, only to see her husband rush in to save a few more people. New York you are strong and my thoughts are with you. New Orleans I know you will be too. This is not the end, only a new beginning.
sonrisa grande
Genevieve: Can we ever be okay? Look at me; at what I've done to myself, I have lost the part of me I know. You took it. Look at my wrists. Sometimes I claw at them because I don't know what tomorrow holds for you or for me and you are right I do fear being alon. So, I leave thinking it won't hurt me, thingking this time I will be strong enough to say FUCK YOU! But I never am.
~from Talking with Michelangelo, Lestat Oberon
Someone asked me at rehearsals last night if I always smiled. This is a question I get asked regularly and the answer is yes. I am always smilling, however she then asked me a harder question. If I was as happy as I protrayed myself to be. I told her yes I am very happy. Obviously, I lied. It's amazing how easy it was. To tell her I was so very happy. She said good and told me how important that was and how glad she was that I was such a happy person.
Can we stop using the word happy.
And, usually I am a very happy person. I am filled with friends who love me and are near and dear to me. And as long as I have them I am the luckest man alive. I have to remember that.
But recently, I have been having anxioty attacks and have been very down. I wished I wasn't. I wished I was the man I purport myself to be. I just haven't been able to feel happy for a while. I am going on some anxioty pills this week. I hope that will help. I just feel drained. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I have every reason to be. I have filled my life with theatre again. Something I am all too happy to do, however, I am doing it to avoid. Which is very bad news.
Wow, an unplanned visit. Shakes is here so, I am very happy now. Maybe he will keep my mind at ease.
~from Talking with Michelangelo, Lestat Oberon
Someone asked me at rehearsals last night if I always smiled. This is a question I get asked regularly and the answer is yes. I am always smilling, however she then asked me a harder question. If I was as happy as I protrayed myself to be. I told her yes I am very happy. Obviously, I lied. It's amazing how easy it was. To tell her I was so very happy. She said good and told me how important that was and how glad she was that I was such a happy person.
Can we stop using the word happy.
And, usually I am a very happy person. I am filled with friends who love me and are near and dear to me. And as long as I have them I am the luckest man alive. I have to remember that.
But recently, I have been having anxioty attacks and have been very down. I wished I wasn't. I wished I was the man I purport myself to be. I just haven't been able to feel happy for a while. I am going on some anxioty pills this week. I hope that will help. I just feel drained. I feel like I shouldn't be, but I have every reason to be. I have filled my life with theatre again. Something I am all too happy to do, however, I am doing it to avoid. Which is very bad news.
Wow, an unplanned visit. Shakes is here so, I am very happy now. Maybe he will keep my mind at ease.
10 September 2005
tiempo de cierre
Ted: I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity. (Queer as Folk, Episode, 104)
Sometimes I don't know what to think or do. I am in a little bit of hell. Just 4 days out of my mental breakdown, and the world is still coming into focus for me. I don't know what to do sometimes. I wrote a letter to a friend tonight, who I hope will stay that way.
Just a little note to anyone that cares...
Corkey Latores died September 5th, 2005. He was loved and adored by many, and he will be missed. I enjoyed him while he lasted, but it is time to move on. I don't think we should call his name anymore, he has left us...let's just leave it at that.
I am trying to find time to write, but it is too hard. My two subjects feel my mind and I am crumbling at the emotions that are coming up in me. I don't know if Genevieve will guide me anymore. Has it been too long, of course the answer is no, but I miss her presence and I am loosing her voice. You are out there dear friend, talk to me. This new piece I am working on, well, lets just say I should take a break from for a bit. Come back to it later. Also, I need to find a composer/lyricist to write the music to my first piece. NO, it's not a musical, it is a play with music, ha ha.
So, anyway, Life is getting back to normal, well as normal as it can be. I was just put onto crew head for Man Who Camed to Dinner. I told them I was designing another show, wtf. Come on I am producing 2 things, directing, designing and acting, how the hell am I suppose to Crew Head a show. I will figure that out some other time.
I am almost finished with my Costume Bible for Seussical. Very Excited!!!
Babs, we must have drinks soon, I miss you babe.
with love,
Lestat
Sometimes I don't know what to think or do. I am in a little bit of hell. Just 4 days out of my mental breakdown, and the world is still coming into focus for me. I don't know what to do sometimes. I wrote a letter to a friend tonight, who I hope will stay that way.
Just a little note to anyone that cares...
Corkey Latores died September 5th, 2005. He was loved and adored by many, and he will be missed. I enjoyed him while he lasted, but it is time to move on. I don't think we should call his name anymore, he has left us...let's just leave it at that.
I am trying to find time to write, but it is too hard. My two subjects feel my mind and I am crumbling at the emotions that are coming up in me. I don't know if Genevieve will guide me anymore. Has it been too long, of course the answer is no, but I miss her presence and I am loosing her voice. You are out there dear friend, talk to me. This new piece I am working on, well, lets just say I should take a break from for a bit. Come back to it later. Also, I need to find a composer/lyricist to write the music to my first piece. NO, it's not a musical, it is a play with music, ha ha.
So, anyway, Life is getting back to normal, well as normal as it can be. I was just put onto crew head for Man Who Camed to Dinner. I told them I was designing another show, wtf. Come on I am producing 2 things, directing, designing and acting, how the hell am I suppose to Crew Head a show. I will figure that out some other time.
I am almost finished with my Costume Bible for Seussical. Very Excited!!!
Babs, we must have drinks soon, I miss you babe.
with love,
Lestat
09 September 2005
caída
Melanie: That's right; blame the Jew. (QAF Episode 201)
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been not so good. I had a breakdown the other day and I am still dealing with it. I am a bit stretched thin right now and am now looking forward to the weekend. I love doing shows and having things to do, but there are a few things I am a bit ambitious about. These things are not working out. And perhaps they are working out for the better, but I am so tired of feeling like I am shit on. I am not flashy, I don't demand, I don't go after things as aggressively as I should. Perhaps this is my problem. Maybe I should become an asshole? But that is not my style. All I know is that once this show is over, it will be a while before the next musical I do. I am a great chorus boy and it will bring me lots of money in years to come, however, I miss doing things that matter. Things of substance and musicals have never been that for me. Yes, there are some, Cabaret, Rent, A Chorus Line, and Seussical has some great messages, but I am ready to move into my comfort zone again. I am ready to act again, and to not worry about smiling and dancing and singing and being cute. Not that all musicals are like that, but that's what I feel like right now. I also feel just a little out of my element during this show. I have strained my voice from ACL and it still hasn't healed. I am not hitting my tenor part, and it's driving me insane. I have never had problems with this tenor part, because it only goes up to a G for the most part and then the lead tenors take over from there. But I am having so many problems singing the part because I have so much strain on my voice. I have to jump down to base and that makes me feel inadequate, and like I don't deserve to be in the musical. Also, I can't sing the base part because it goes way too low for me half the time. Hello rock, how you doing hard place? On top of that I haven't seen or heard from my co-designer in about a week or two. I am running out of time and have had to design some of her stuff, but since I haven't heard from her, I don't know what else to do. I really wanted to get a guys number but a friend swooped in a got it first. It was neither of their faults, they both have every right to do that, but I am still a little sad. Also, he thinks I am mad at him for stealing the guy. Look you didn't steal him he chose you, and that is his decision. I have to respect that. I am mad about a few other things with him, but I guess I just need to bite the bullet and tell him, although I don't have time to sit and explain to him that he messed with a design of mine and what happens if he doesn’t like what I have for him to wear? I am also mad at a situation with someone he was linked to this summer, but oh well. I am hopefully going to see Superboy this weekend and maybe we can have some good clean fun, or go see a horror movie. I really want to see the Emily Rose movie. I want to pee my pants.
On a positive note...
I am so glad my Babs is back. Just seeing her makes my heart happy.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been not so good. I had a breakdown the other day and I am still dealing with it. I am a bit stretched thin right now and am now looking forward to the weekend. I love doing shows and having things to do, but there are a few things I am a bit ambitious about. These things are not working out. And perhaps they are working out for the better, but I am so tired of feeling like I am shit on. I am not flashy, I don't demand, I don't go after things as aggressively as I should. Perhaps this is my problem. Maybe I should become an asshole? But that is not my style. All I know is that once this show is over, it will be a while before the next musical I do. I am a great chorus boy and it will bring me lots of money in years to come, however, I miss doing things that matter. Things of substance and musicals have never been that for me. Yes, there are some, Cabaret, Rent, A Chorus Line, and Seussical has some great messages, but I am ready to move into my comfort zone again. I am ready to act again, and to not worry about smiling and dancing and singing and being cute. Not that all musicals are like that, but that's what I feel like right now. I also feel just a little out of my element during this show. I have strained my voice from ACL and it still hasn't healed. I am not hitting my tenor part, and it's driving me insane. I have never had problems with this tenor part, because it only goes up to a G for the most part and then the lead tenors take over from there. But I am having so many problems singing the part because I have so much strain on my voice. I have to jump down to base and that makes me feel inadequate, and like I don't deserve to be in the musical. Also, I can't sing the base part because it goes way too low for me half the time. Hello rock, how you doing hard place? On top of that I haven't seen or heard from my co-designer in about a week or two. I am running out of time and have had to design some of her stuff, but since I haven't heard from her, I don't know what else to do. I really wanted to get a guys number but a friend swooped in a got it first. It was neither of their faults, they both have every right to do that, but I am still a little sad. Also, he thinks I am mad at him for stealing the guy. Look you didn't steal him he chose you, and that is his decision. I have to respect that. I am mad about a few other things with him, but I guess I just need to bite the bullet and tell him, although I don't have time to sit and explain to him that he messed with a design of mine and what happens if he doesn’t like what I have for him to wear? I am also mad at a situation with someone he was linked to this summer, but oh well. I am hopefully going to see Superboy this weekend and maybe we can have some good clean fun, or go see a horror movie. I really want to see the Emily Rose movie. I want to pee my pants.
On a positive note...
I am so glad my Babs is back. Just seeing her makes my heart happy.
08 September 2005
The Ten Spot
10 years ago I was: Ten years ago I was about to have sex for the first time, with a boy.
5 years ago I was: I was in my second year of college having a blast. Sitting on top of the world.
1 year ago I was: I was doing West Side Story, and meeting my closest friends.
Yesterday I was: Having an emotional breakdown.
5 snacks I enjoy: Extreme Pizza Goldfish, popcorn, cookie dough swirled ice cream, munchies, and reeses peanut butter cups.
5 songs I know all the words to: Bohemian Rhapsody; Be My Yoko Ono; The Tower of Learning; Leaving Las Vegas; and Video Killed The Radio Star.
5 things I would do with 100 million dollars: Buy a house in Spain; Buy my own theatre; go hike all the places I wanted to around the world; move out of the U.S.; visit Prague whenever I needed to.
5 places I would run away to: Peru, Czech Republic, Spain, Italy, Greece
5 things I would never wear: a speedo; bra; lamp shade (as in only); colored socks; and leather vest.
5 favorite TV shows: Queer as Folk; Family Guy; Friends, 30 days; Six Feet Under.
5 bad habits: worring; doubting my abilities; procrastinating; falling in lust; being too lead by my emotions.
5 biggest joys: Friends; Theatre; Family; Finding out trival information about history/theatre, learning.
5 favorite toys: my scripts, sewing machine; my dvd's, books, and sketch pad
5 years ago I was: I was in my second year of college having a blast. Sitting on top of the world.
1 year ago I was: I was doing West Side Story, and meeting my closest friends.
Yesterday I was: Having an emotional breakdown.
5 snacks I enjoy: Extreme Pizza Goldfish, popcorn, cookie dough swirled ice cream, munchies, and reeses peanut butter cups.
5 songs I know all the words to: Bohemian Rhapsody; Be My Yoko Ono; The Tower of Learning; Leaving Las Vegas; and Video Killed The Radio Star.
5 things I would do with 100 million dollars: Buy a house in Spain; Buy my own theatre; go hike all the places I wanted to around the world; move out of the U.S.; visit Prague whenever I needed to.
5 places I would run away to: Peru, Czech Republic, Spain, Italy, Greece
5 things I would never wear: a speedo; bra; lamp shade (as in only); colored socks; and leather vest.
5 favorite TV shows: Queer as Folk; Family Guy; Friends, 30 days; Six Feet Under.
5 bad habits: worring; doubting my abilities; procrastinating; falling in lust; being too lead by my emotions.
5 biggest joys: Friends; Theatre; Family; Finding out trival information about history/theatre, learning.
5 favorite toys: my scripts, sewing machine; my dvd's, books, and sketch pad
04 September 2005
Cuando hombres y Fortuna me abandonan,
XXIX
Cuando hombres y Fortuna me abandonan,
lloro en la soledad de mi destierro,
y al cielo sordo con mis quejas canso
y maldigo al mirar mi desventura,
soñando ser más rico de esperanza,
bello como éste, como aquél rodeado,
deseando el arte de uno, el poder de otro,
insatisfecho con lo que me queda;
a pesar de que casi me desprecio,
pienso en ti y soy feliz y mi alma entonces,
como al amanecer la alondra, se alza
de la tierra sombría y canta al cielo:
pues recordar tu amor es cal fortuna
que no cambio mi estado con los reyes.
Soneta XXIX, William Shakespeare
Jason: I thought I could look on you and everything would be okay. But know I know, it was an ideal neither of us can live up to. You sit hear in a world where everything will always be okay, however, when others pierce the surface we see the imperfections. The loose ties you don't touch for fear of unraveling completely. Well, you better start looking and examining because the cords are frayed and coming undone fast. You cannot leave them because it will be worse for you. But really, don't listen to me. I just loved you.
~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon
Taylor: You can't date him he's weird.
Jason: What are you talking about.
Taylor: Boiled bunnies, okay maybe not, but he's not all there...
Jason: But he love's me and he wants me which is more than I can say about anyone else. I am tired of being Jan Brady. I will not be her. I f*ck who I want when I want to. And he is the man I will sleep with tonight. I'm not going home alone.
Tyler: Is that what you are scared of?
Jason: Yes. No, if you please I will excuse myself to my bunny boiling fuck b*ddy.
Tyler: Jason wait, ahhhhh....
~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon
Cuando hombres y Fortuna me abandonan,
lloro en la soledad de mi destierro,
y al cielo sordo con mis quejas canso
y maldigo al mirar mi desventura,
soñando ser más rico de esperanza,
bello como éste, como aquél rodeado,
deseando el arte de uno, el poder de otro,
insatisfecho con lo que me queda;
a pesar de que casi me desprecio,
pienso en ti y soy feliz y mi alma entonces,
como al amanecer la alondra, se alza
de la tierra sombría y canta al cielo:
pues recordar tu amor es cal fortuna
que no cambio mi estado con los reyes.
Soneta XXIX, William Shakespeare
Jason: I thought I could look on you and everything would be okay. But know I know, it was an ideal neither of us can live up to. You sit hear in a world where everything will always be okay, however, when others pierce the surface we see the imperfections. The loose ties you don't touch for fear of unraveling completely. Well, you better start looking and examining because the cords are frayed and coming undone fast. You cannot leave them because it will be worse for you. But really, don't listen to me. I just loved you.
~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon
Taylor: You can't date him he's weird.
Jason: What are you talking about.
Taylor: Boiled bunnies, okay maybe not, but he's not all there...
Jason: But he love's me and he wants me which is more than I can say about anyone else. I am tired of being Jan Brady. I will not be her. I f*ck who I want when I want to. And he is the man I will sleep with tonight. I'm not going home alone.
Tyler: Is that what you are scared of?
Jason: Yes. No, if you please I will excuse myself to my bunny boiling fuck b*ddy.
Tyler: Jason wait, ahhhhh....
~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon
02 September 2005
cólera del amor
Michael: It never changes. Someone drops -- we don’t know if he’s dead or alive -- but nobody misses a beat. The thumpa-thumpa goes on. (QAF Episode: 305)
WTF, okay after being bashed by the AP our lazy President W is having a PR moment saying that there isn't enough funding out there and "on its way." Oh nice Mr. W, I think we all get the point, let’s cover up the ugly woman protesting you out at Crawford on your lovely 2nd vacation of this year. Let’s put more fuel on the fire. The fact that we send our troops over to Iraq to fight in a war that is only another Vietnam is disheartening, but we don't send them into our own country to help the less fortunate. Hello, the people New Orleans are dying (and not just from the natural disaster now) and mayhem has ensued. So, let me get this straight, Bush’s war is more important than the lives of people in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Florida? Okay, I can see that! Obviously, let’s play world police and forget about us. Now, as most of you know I agree with helping other nations and giving aid when needed, but just how much are we helping? Andrew Sullivan said it best the other day in the Wednesday, August 24, 2005 article intitled Iraq's Women. I am just sick to death of us helping countries out and then screwing them up, and when it comes to our country not doing all we can. You don’t want to put our troops in danger, you should have thought a lot harder about sending them to Iraq. No, they need to go into New Orleans and help the distressed, the homeless (yes they are people too, in case you forgot), and the suffering. Are we also going to talk about how faggots should get married as your major agenda in this time like when we had just bombed Iraq for the first time? Or maybe, you are avoiding it like your military duty, you aren’t spending enough time on this because you are running for president again, wait, you can’t in case you don’t remember in the law books. I know, I know, it isn’t his fault completely, but it is very easy to blame the highest man on the totem pole.
On top of all this I am feeling that we have lost a great bit of our culture. Me and the E3 were discussing how this is the town the really gave us a huge part of our jazz culture. This is one of the only American art forms that is appreciated world wide as a turning point and advancement of us Americans. The Voodoo culture center is also suffered a blow. Yes I know there are Voodoo practitioners all over, but this is New Orleans, Louisiana. The ghost’s, the pets (thank you catpants), the love, art, history…where will they go? Will it be rebuilt, can we remember, well it’s been 4 years since Sept 11 and I don’t here any talk of a memorial around where I live. How soon will be forget this? I hope for America’s sake we can start to rebuild this vital city. This is one of our cultural centers. Part of the soul of this great country is New Orleans and my thoughts and meditations go out to it rising again. You will.
WTF, okay after being bashed by the AP our lazy President W is having a PR moment saying that there isn't enough funding out there and "on its way." Oh nice Mr. W, I think we all get the point, let’s cover up the ugly woman protesting you out at Crawford on your lovely 2nd vacation of this year. Let’s put more fuel on the fire. The fact that we send our troops over to Iraq to fight in a war that is only another Vietnam is disheartening, but we don't send them into our own country to help the less fortunate. Hello, the people New Orleans are dying (and not just from the natural disaster now) and mayhem has ensued. So, let me get this straight, Bush’s war is more important than the lives of people in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Florida? Okay, I can see that! Obviously, let’s play world police and forget about us. Now, as most of you know I agree with helping other nations and giving aid when needed, but just how much are we helping? Andrew Sullivan said it best the other day in the Wednesday, August 24, 2005 article intitled Iraq's Women. I am just sick to death of us helping countries out and then screwing them up, and when it comes to our country not doing all we can. You don’t want to put our troops in danger, you should have thought a lot harder about sending them to Iraq. No, they need to go into New Orleans and help the distressed, the homeless (yes they are people too, in case you forgot), and the suffering. Are we also going to talk about how faggots should get married as your major agenda in this time like when we had just bombed Iraq for the first time? Or maybe, you are avoiding it like your military duty, you aren’t spending enough time on this because you are running for president again, wait, you can’t in case you don’t remember in the law books. I know, I know, it isn’t his fault completely, but it is very easy to blame the highest man on the totem pole.
On top of all this I am feeling that we have lost a great bit of our culture. Me and the E3 were discussing how this is the town the really gave us a huge part of our jazz culture. This is one of the only American art forms that is appreciated world wide as a turning point and advancement of us Americans. The Voodoo culture center is also suffered a blow. Yes I know there are Voodoo practitioners all over, but this is New Orleans, Louisiana. The ghost’s, the pets (thank you catpants), the love, art, history…where will they go? Will it be rebuilt, can we remember, well it’s been 4 years since Sept 11 and I don’t here any talk of a memorial around where I live. How soon will be forget this? I hope for America’s sake we can start to rebuild this vital city. This is one of our cultural centers. Part of the soul of this great country is New Orleans and my thoughts and meditations go out to it rising again. You will.
expiración del tiempo
Brian: He who hesitates, doesn't get laid. (QAF Episode 406)
So after talking with E3 about this I mentioned it to Catpants and Babs and I had to write about it.
Expiration dates.
I believe that people have expiration dates. Okay yes, we have an inevidable expiration date, but in pre-relationships. Confused? Okay here goes...
So, say you are out or around and you meet someone. You start to click with them, even if it's on the sub conscious level. There starts an expiration process. Depending on how you play your cards, you can extend the date. Much like putting the milk in the fridge to keep it longer than keeping it out on the counter, well duh. Or wrapping your bread so it doesn't get hard (okay mind out of the gutters people).
So, here is the 411(I know I am so hip for last year), you have a set amount of time with someone before they loose interest, or you loose interest. Within this time period there are millions of factors...are they single or with someone? do you see them regularly or sparingly? what are their interests? where are they going?
These are just veriables in evaluating expiration dates. You tune into warning signs on how close you are getting to it, you smell the milk, squeeze the fruit, and see the brown (NOTE: these are only a few major variables to the equation, there are many more factors as well).
Smelling the Milk:
You begin to notice the ebb and flow of your happiness together. Once you learn how much time to spend together and how much to spend apart, you can control more the ultimite date.
Squeezing the Fruit:
You begin to notice certain affection coming your way. Controlling the "god" status is important in this stage. Both of you must figure out how not to put the other on a pedistal. Stop thinking of people as Ideas and your time will increase.
See the Brown:
You begin to listen to the words of your friends around you. If they seem secretive to you about the "crush" you are in the green light. When they begin to talk about both of your attraction and you haven't hooked up in someway, then red lights all over.
The most important thing in all of this is communication. Timing, is always of the essence, you have to wait till the time is right to talk to them about this. The milk will sour immediately when timing is off, and will sour immediately. This is the hardest. If you pop the question too soon, it will be out of nowhere and you will not get anywhere. If you wait to late, your expiration will blow up. If either of these happens you loose any chance of a relationship rather love or friendship.
There is an adendum to this. Like all good things, the end is not the end. We are cyclic in nature. There is a time to be reborn and get a new expiration date or to "repair" the relationship to that of friendship. It takes time, tears and talking, but can be achieved. Nothing undone is not then redoable, it just takes longer. You need to go back and take the time to make your senses more keen.
To listen, kinesthetically, emotionally and audiably to them. This is not hard and steadfast a method. It is one that includes many more honing of the senses and preceptors to accomplish. But inevitably we know, to quote Billy Shakes, in our heart of hearts, when that time expires and when it can be rejuvinated.
So after talking with E3 about this I mentioned it to Catpants and Babs and I had to write about it.
Expiration dates.
I believe that people have expiration dates. Okay yes, we have an inevidable expiration date, but in pre-relationships. Confused? Okay here goes...
So, say you are out or around and you meet someone. You start to click with them, even if it's on the sub conscious level. There starts an expiration process. Depending on how you play your cards, you can extend the date. Much like putting the milk in the fridge to keep it longer than keeping it out on the counter, well duh. Or wrapping your bread so it doesn't get hard (okay mind out of the gutters people).
So, here is the 411(I know I am so hip for last year), you have a set amount of time with someone before they loose interest, or you loose interest. Within this time period there are millions of factors...are they single or with someone? do you see them regularly or sparingly? what are their interests? where are they going?
These are just veriables in evaluating expiration dates. You tune into warning signs on how close you are getting to it, you smell the milk, squeeze the fruit, and see the brown (NOTE: these are only a few major variables to the equation, there are many more factors as well).
Smelling the Milk:
You begin to notice the ebb and flow of your happiness together. Once you learn how much time to spend together and how much to spend apart, you can control more the ultimite date.
Squeezing the Fruit:
You begin to notice certain affection coming your way. Controlling the "god" status is important in this stage. Both of you must figure out how not to put the other on a pedistal. Stop thinking of people as Ideas and your time will increase.
See the Brown:
You begin to listen to the words of your friends around you. If they seem secretive to you about the "crush" you are in the green light. When they begin to talk about both of your attraction and you haven't hooked up in someway, then red lights all over.
The most important thing in all of this is communication. Timing, is always of the essence, you have to wait till the time is right to talk to them about this. The milk will sour immediately when timing is off, and will sour immediately. This is the hardest. If you pop the question too soon, it will be out of nowhere and you will not get anywhere. If you wait to late, your expiration will blow up. If either of these happens you loose any chance of a relationship rather love or friendship.
There is an adendum to this. Like all good things, the end is not the end. We are cyclic in nature. There is a time to be reborn and get a new expiration date or to "repair" the relationship to that of friendship. It takes time, tears and talking, but can be achieved. Nothing undone is not then redoable, it just takes longer. You need to go back and take the time to make your senses more keen.
To listen, kinesthetically, emotionally and audiably to them. This is not hard and steadfast a method. It is one that includes many more honing of the senses and preceptors to accomplish. But inevitably we know, to quote Billy Shakes, in our heart of hearts, when that time expires and when it can be rejuvinated.
31 August 2005
pare el mundo que deseo ir
Michael: In ways that maybe no one intended, those superheroes were a lot like me. At work, they’re meek, underappreciated… they’re the guys that never get laid. And when they’re around other people, they can never let anyone get too close for fear that their true identities will be discovered. (QAF Episode: 206)
I just wish sometimes we had built in vactations for life, or maybe hours in the day no one knows about as my friend the E3 says. I passed out today at around 6:10, only to wake up not too long ago. Damn. I mean it was great, but now I won't go back to sleep for ever. I will be up for hours, when really I need to be sleeping. My promise to go run tomorrow might not happen. I will keep you posted. I feel very tired and unwilling to finish certain tasks on my plate. I need a vacation, but maybe this weekend will lend itself to me. I hope so.
I just started classes, and they seem to be going well. I am happy to have that distraction. Life is pretty fuzzy for me right now.
LA and FL, I still don't want to talk about, but I will try. My family is from LA, they are rooted in that culture. For Christmas we eat étouffée, and Thanksgiving it's gumbo. We talk de by u talk, when around each other. My Great-grandmother was hit by a moving car, and lived to tell the tale. They are an amazing people. The are hard, strong and undistructable. The too will get through this, and come out with better jazz and more stories.
Florida is where my sister just moved to. She just recently received electricity, and most things are still not open. For her, she is safe with her child and husband. I am thankful and thank the Person upstairs for that.
This is all I can say for now...other than, our thoughts are with you.
Gas prices, well, I think we should all go public trans all the way. Screw you SUV land, I don't want no SUV!!!
The men in my life keep slipping away from me. I am going to end alone, with snakes, yuch, or cats, maybe, or a hundred dogs (this won't be so bad).
I saw an interesting man on campus the other day. One of my old flames (take that how you will, he did), he didn't seem to recognize me, or maybe that was the point. I just found it interesting that after a year, I still could feel his touch. amazing how seeing an old flame can do that to you. hmmm.
I am ready to start dancing again. I need to move. Seussical, get in gear. And when am I going to find times for costumes? Damn...
Well, guys I am going to try to do somethings, I will post tomorrow, I am sure...
L
I just wish sometimes we had built in vactations for life, or maybe hours in the day no one knows about as my friend the E3 says. I passed out today at around 6:10, only to wake up not too long ago. Damn. I mean it was great, but now I won't go back to sleep for ever. I will be up for hours, when really I need to be sleeping. My promise to go run tomorrow might not happen. I will keep you posted. I feel very tired and unwilling to finish certain tasks on my plate. I need a vacation, but maybe this weekend will lend itself to me. I hope so.
I just started classes, and they seem to be going well. I am happy to have that distraction. Life is pretty fuzzy for me right now.
LA and FL, I still don't want to talk about, but I will try. My family is from LA, they are rooted in that culture. For Christmas we eat étouffée, and Thanksgiving it's gumbo. We talk de by u talk, when around each other. My Great-grandmother was hit by a moving car, and lived to tell the tale. They are an amazing people. The are hard, strong and undistructable. The too will get through this, and come out with better jazz and more stories.
Florida is where my sister just moved to. She just recently received electricity, and most things are still not open. For her, she is safe with her child and husband. I am thankful and thank the Person upstairs for that.
This is all I can say for now...other than, our thoughts are with you.
Gas prices, well, I think we should all go public trans all the way. Screw you SUV land, I don't want no SUV!!!
The men in my life keep slipping away from me. I am going to end alone, with snakes, yuch, or cats, maybe, or a hundred dogs (this won't be so bad).
I saw an interesting man on campus the other day. One of my old flames (take that how you will, he did), he didn't seem to recognize me, or maybe that was the point. I just found it interesting that after a year, I still could feel his touch. amazing how seeing an old flame can do that to you. hmmm.
I am ready to start dancing again. I need to move. Seussical, get in gear. And when am I going to find times for costumes? Damn...
Well, guys I am going to try to do somethings, I will post tomorrow, I am sure...
L
Rasguño de mi cabeza
Debbie: Ben, honey, the next time you talk to him, would you please tell him I love him up to the sky and back? (QAF Episode: 401)
So, to those of you out there wondering why I haven't commented on the recent tragedy called Katrina, well I have been avoiding it. I hardly ever talk about my family, especially on here. I love my parents, sister, and extended family, however, I am not one who believes that blood is thicker than marinara sauce.
I have had family in LA and FL who have been effected by this. I feel for them. I hear from my mother reports everday I can hear them. I find out what I need to know. I feel for them. There families, but it is just not something I know how to deal with.
I know I am lame. I have this huge sadness the back of my mind. It is very heavy and I am always aware of it. Maybe this is why I am working 18 out of 24 hours a day, on something. I do take time for my self. But I really should meditate more. Deal with this, find some peace about what has happened.
I promise myself,
I will think about this tonight and meditate.
I promise I will run tomorrow, before work.
I promise I will not think to much about the negative of life, only positive.
L
So, to those of you out there wondering why I haven't commented on the recent tragedy called Katrina, well I have been avoiding it. I hardly ever talk about my family, especially on here. I love my parents, sister, and extended family, however, I am not one who believes that blood is thicker than marinara sauce.
I have had family in LA and FL who have been effected by this. I feel for them. I hear from my mother reports everday I can hear them. I find out what I need to know. I feel for them. There families, but it is just not something I know how to deal with.
I know I am lame. I have this huge sadness the back of my mind. It is very heavy and I am always aware of it. Maybe this is why I am working 18 out of 24 hours a day, on something. I do take time for my self. But I really should meditate more. Deal with this, find some peace about what has happened.
I promise myself,
I will think about this tonight and meditate.
I promise I will run tomorrow, before work.
I promise I will not think to much about the negative of life, only positive.
L
30 August 2005
¿Un qué estado estoy adentro?
So, yes, it is official I am an ass.
Brian: What would you like me to do?
Jennifer: Touch him. Help him be touched.
Brian: You want me to fuck him?
Jennifer: You're the one he trusts, if that's what it takes. (QAF Episode: 202)
I skipped out of being with a friend who is very dear to me, but who I can't be around right now, to go have a nice fuck...
Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)
...Yeah, he was way hot, and the passion was there and he is leaving for war in a few days (did you really think all our soldiers were straight), but I am being an asshole. I know.
But, I did the one thing I promised myself this time I wouldn't do. Tell him I had feelings for him. I am Brian Kenny for fuck sake! I fuck and don't show any emotion afterward, but here recently I have been feeling time and wanting to be with someone I could fall in love with.
So, what do I do, fall for the first unavailable guy that comes around to prove to myself that I can't have love. Then, tell him said sad story and now, I can't talk to him like I used to. He hates me now. I can feel it. It's horrible. And I don't know how to fix it, but just be the dick I am.
Well, this heartless ass needs to go to bed. I have another meeting with army dude later this week...I have to rest up so I can fuck all night and go to work the next day.
Brian: What would you like me to do?
Jennifer: Touch him. Help him be touched.
Brian: You want me to fuck him?
Jennifer: You're the one he trusts, if that's what it takes. (QAF Episode: 202)
I skipped out of being with a friend who is very dear to me, but who I can't be around right now, to go have a nice fuck...
Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)
...Yeah, he was way hot, and the passion was there and he is leaving for war in a few days (did you really think all our soldiers were straight), but I am being an asshole. I know.
But, I did the one thing I promised myself this time I wouldn't do. Tell him I had feelings for him. I am Brian Kenny for fuck sake! I fuck and don't show any emotion afterward, but here recently I have been feeling time and wanting to be with someone I could fall in love with.
So, what do I do, fall for the first unavailable guy that comes around to prove to myself that I can't have love. Then, tell him said sad story and now, I can't talk to him like I used to. He hates me now. I can feel it. It's horrible. And I don't know how to fix it, but just be the dick I am.
Well, this heartless ass needs to go to bed. I have another meeting with army dude later this week...I have to rest up so I can fuck all night and go to work the next day.
29 August 2005
27 August 2005
The seven list...
Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
Have my play make a workshop and be performed
Publish a book
Live in a foriegn country
Cross the Atlantic in a boat
Get married and have a family
Sky dive
Get a Doctorate
Seven things I can do
Speak Spanish well enought to survive in Spain(Yo hablo espanol)
Sew/Tailor
Fence (with a foil, ie I am a fencer, you know swords)
Survival Camps (dump me in the middle of no where with only the basics)
Make a fantastic (not being sarcastic see below) étouffée
Make people laugh
Win Trival Pursuit (the real game)
Seven things I can not do
Fly like Superman
Cheat on a boyfriend
Work a normal 8 to 5 job for an extended period of time
Travel through time....yet. (Thanks Markham, I stole this one)
Clean my whole house and keep it clean for longer than a week
Play baseball
Fix a carborator
Seven things that I find really attractive about the same sex
Eyes
Smiles
Strength
Video game playing
Need to provide
Dedication to a task
Voice
Seven things I say the most
Que? or What?
Fuck
Okay
Buenos dias/tardes/noche
Fantastic, rather sarcastically mostly
Adios
Right
Seven books I love
The book of Laughter and Forgetting - Milan Kundera
1984 - George Orwell
My Cold War - Tom Piazza
The Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
1968 - Mark Kurlansky
The Lord of the Rings/Hobbit - JRR Tolkin
Imzadi - Peter David
Seven people I would like to see take this test
TJ
Babs
Catpants
E3
Chris
Wil Wheaton
George W Bush
Have my play make a workshop and be performed
Publish a book
Live in a foriegn country
Cross the Atlantic in a boat
Get married and have a family
Sky dive
Get a Doctorate
Seven things I can do
Speak Spanish well enought to survive in Spain(Yo hablo espanol)
Sew/Tailor
Fence (with a foil, ie I am a fencer, you know swords)
Survival Camps (dump me in the middle of no where with only the basics)
Make a fantastic (not being sarcastic see below) étouffée
Make people laugh
Win Trival Pursuit (the real game)
Seven things I can not do
Fly like Superman
Cheat on a boyfriend
Work a normal 8 to 5 job for an extended period of time
Travel through time....yet. (Thanks Markham, I stole this one)
Clean my whole house and keep it clean for longer than a week
Play baseball
Fix a carborator
Seven things that I find really attractive about the same sex
Eyes
Smiles
Strength
Video game playing
Need to provide
Dedication to a task
Voice
Seven things I say the most
Que? or What?
Fuck
Okay
Buenos dias/tardes/noche
Fantastic, rather sarcastically mostly
Adios
Right
Seven books I love
The book of Laughter and Forgetting - Milan Kundera
1984 - George Orwell
My Cold War - Tom Piazza
The Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
1968 - Mark Kurlansky
The Lord of the Rings/Hobbit - JRR Tolkin
Imzadi - Peter David
Seven people I would like to see take this test
TJ
Babs
Catpants
E3
Chris
Wil Wheaton
George W Bush
en pensamiento
QAF Quote:
Justin: His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile, like he was in another place, a beautiful place, and that place was me. (102)
Advertencia: partido de la compasión a continuación
Okay, so pass the frantic emotional state I have been in today, I have doing a lot of thinking.
Last night I was told that he wants to help in any way he can...
I just sat there thinking. The only thing I want from him right now is for him to come over, hold me and tell me it is all going to be alright.
I can't ask that of him...
Armand:The world changes, we do not, there lies the irony that finally kills us.
I don't know what to say to him now. What can I say, "Ugh, yeah, I know I just spilled the beans about falling for you, but let us erase that and go on from here."
I feel like I'm in high school.
Louis:I'm flesh and blood, but not human. I haven't been human for two hundred years.
I also feel a little dead inside from all of this. And I am sure that will continue through me. I don't feel alive...
Possibly because I have spent my life in the theatre searching for things that inspire me. Or could it be the string of men who only love me because of the sex we have. Okay, I get it, I am good in bed, let's move out of that territory into the living room. Or maybe, I don't know what to do with my life right now. I write when I can. I should be turning out a book a day with how much I want to write, but don't have time to...
I need to finish my plays, but is that my form of escapism? And more importantly is that okay?
I am in the hole financially again...
I haven't had a decent role in 2 years, and I was trained in Shakespeare...
wow, right now, life sucks, but I am going to a movie with TJ tonight and we aren't going to talk about our boys that we like, and tomorrow I will get to see my Babs...Oh happy day...
I am bitter, sad, and not well today, as you can see from my two posts. Oh well, we will see what tomorrow holds...
Justin: His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile, like he was in another place, a beautiful place, and that place was me. (102)
Advertencia: partido de la compasión a continuación
Okay, so pass the frantic emotional state I have been in today, I have doing a lot of thinking.
Last night I was told that he wants to help in any way he can...
I just sat there thinking. The only thing I want from him right now is for him to come over, hold me and tell me it is all going to be alright.
I can't ask that of him...
Armand:The world changes, we do not, there lies the irony that finally kills us.
I don't know what to say to him now. What can I say, "Ugh, yeah, I know I just spilled the beans about falling for you, but let us erase that and go on from here."
I feel like I'm in high school.
Louis:I'm flesh and blood, but not human. I haven't been human for two hundred years.
I also feel a little dead inside from all of this. And I am sure that will continue through me. I don't feel alive...
Possibly because I have spent my life in the theatre searching for things that inspire me. Or could it be the string of men who only love me because of the sex we have. Okay, I get it, I am good in bed, let's move out of that territory into the living room. Or maybe, I don't know what to do with my life right now. I write when I can. I should be turning out a book a day with how much I want to write, but don't have time to...
I need to finish my plays, but is that my form of escapism? And more importantly is that okay?
I am in the hole financially again...
I haven't had a decent role in 2 years, and I was trained in Shakespeare...
wow, right now, life sucks, but I am going to a movie with TJ tonight and we aren't going to talk about our boys that we like, and tomorrow I will get to see my Babs...Oh happy day...
I am bitter, sad, and not well today, as you can see from my two posts. Oh well, we will see what tomorrow holds...
sobre ayer a noche
Brian: Did I mention it hurts like a motherfucker? (414)
Brian: I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day. (203)
Brian: This used to be such a magical kingdom full of sprites and fairies. (314)
Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse!
Brian: Sorry, that position has already been filled. (118)
So...
Sobre ayer a noche...
After several drinks, I did something I didn't want to do. I always seem to find guys that I want to fall in love with, but can't...Timing, boyfriend, fill in the blank. And recently this has been the case. But last night was a clusterfuck, and I do mean that in the gravest sense...
Exhibit One,
Riff called the other day out of the blue wanting to take me to Austin for Labor Day. I can't go back to that uncertainty, but not only that, he threw a big curve ball at me. We talked about he man he used to love and how he missed out on that and how he is very sad by that. We cut through the bullshit, as we did from time to time back in West Side. But what of that. I can't do that. I can't be that to you. I did fall for you and I did tell you, and well, I waited for a long time. Time is up...He asked me if I didn't believe his story. I told him I did. I think that is the problem, he hasn't dealt with that man. And then I pulled the black card out about how I wished he was truer to himself. Which he took the wrong way and had to hang up.
Exhibit Two,
Several of my friends are going through hell and it has ran a toll on them. I am adversly effected, because I love them. I feel for them and I worry. I love them, and I am happy they are in my life. And I want to tell them this too will pass...
Exhibit Three,
We all had planned to go out. Well, after that fateful phone call I shouldn't have, but I did. This boy wanted to be there for me. We are close friends and I love him so much. But that is the problem...I do have more than friendship feelings for this man. And I have to push him away. And I feel like an asshole, because I am. And tonight, I told him why I have to push him away. Because it's not going to happen. He doesn't have those feelings for me, or if he does, he is happy with his boyfriend. We talked for a long time. And we agreed to stay excellent friends...
...now all I want to do is cry...
and I have, a lot, and I will a lot. and life will go on. I just feel like an idiot. Okay stike that, I am an idiot. I should have never said anything. Now, I will always feel guilty around him. It is my fault. I will never fall in love...and that's okay...
The quotes are from my favorite show that ended, Queer as Folk...Thank you for the laughter and tears. The good and the bad. I think I will always remember these quotes, and many more. I post these because of where I am right now. Talk to me Brian, I need your support...
Cheers loves, I am going to go out and get on with my life today...
Brian: I'd run away screaming, but it's been a long day. (203)
Brian: This used to be such a magical kingdom full of sprites and fairies. (314)
Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse!
Brian: Sorry, that position has already been filled. (118)
So...
Sobre ayer a noche...
After several drinks, I did something I didn't want to do. I always seem to find guys that I want to fall in love with, but can't...Timing, boyfriend, fill in the blank. And recently this has been the case. But last night was a clusterfuck, and I do mean that in the gravest sense...
Exhibit One,
Riff called the other day out of the blue wanting to take me to Austin for Labor Day. I can't go back to that uncertainty, but not only that, he threw a big curve ball at me. We talked about he man he used to love and how he missed out on that and how he is very sad by that. We cut through the bullshit, as we did from time to time back in West Side. But what of that. I can't do that. I can't be that to you. I did fall for you and I did tell you, and well, I waited for a long time. Time is up...He asked me if I didn't believe his story. I told him I did. I think that is the problem, he hasn't dealt with that man. And then I pulled the black card out about how I wished he was truer to himself. Which he took the wrong way and had to hang up.
Exhibit Two,
Several of my friends are going through hell and it has ran a toll on them. I am adversly effected, because I love them. I feel for them and I worry. I love them, and I am happy they are in my life. And I want to tell them this too will pass...
Exhibit Three,
We all had planned to go out. Well, after that fateful phone call I shouldn't have, but I did. This boy wanted to be there for me. We are close friends and I love him so much. But that is the problem...I do have more than friendship feelings for this man. And I have to push him away. And I feel like an asshole, because I am. And tonight, I told him why I have to push him away. Because it's not going to happen. He doesn't have those feelings for me, or if he does, he is happy with his boyfriend. We talked for a long time. And we agreed to stay excellent friends...
...now all I want to do is cry...
and I have, a lot, and I will a lot. and life will go on. I just feel like an idiot. Okay stike that, I am an idiot. I should have never said anything. Now, I will always feel guilty around him. It is my fault. I will never fall in love...and that's okay...
The quotes are from my favorite show that ended, Queer as Folk...Thank you for the laughter and tears. The good and the bad. I think I will always remember these quotes, and many more. I post these because of where I am right now. Talk to me Brian, I need your support...
Cheers loves, I am going to go out and get on with my life today...
26 August 2005
I can't believe this day is coming, Thanks Babs!
My pirate name is:
Bloody John Bonney
Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.
feliz dicha
Okay, so I am reminded of a moment me and Babs spent together one night watching Jerry MacGuire. Okay, lets bypass the Tom Cruise jokes for now. What is it about that moment. And how did those bastards find a way to coin that moment.
"You had me at Hello."
Oh please can I have an order of that with a side of great sex. This is what we want. Romanticism. But really come on am I just deluding myself? Or could I be creating a bigger rift then into a inlay of Romanticism? By doing that, am I putting up a wall that says, I am not going to believe in Romanticism, so that later I can say I destroyed that way and found it anyway. Then, as if that wasn't a complex enough, I tell my self not to believe in it, you are crazy creating this cliche out of cliche. I just know it's late, and I've had a few. I will laugh at the drunkeness of my blog tomorrow.
And by the way, to someone out there, "you had me at hello" now lets go from there...
"You had me at Hello."
Oh please can I have an order of that with a side of great sex. This is what we want. Romanticism. But really come on am I just deluding myself? Or could I be creating a bigger rift then into a inlay of Romanticism? By doing that, am I putting up a wall that says, I am not going to believe in Romanticism, so that later I can say I destroyed that way and found it anyway. Then, as if that wasn't a complex enough, I tell my self not to believe in it, you are crazy creating this cliche out of cliche. I just know it's late, and I've had a few. I will laugh at the drunkeness of my blog tomorrow.
And by the way, to someone out there, "you had me at hello" now lets go from there...
23 August 2005
composición de la vida
Taylor- Does he know that you are in love with him?
Johnathan- What?
Taylor- You don't even know yet?
Johnathan-That?
Taylor- You are in love with him...
~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon
I wrote these few lines the other day. That's it for me. They sound like something I have heard. I don't know. What the hell is this play about other than a love rectangle. How boring is that. My last play was about time and why do we exist, and wtf questions. How can I go from deep to fluff? But you know, I do that with movies all the time. I watch very deep movies and then throw in fluff. I guess that is what we all do.
As you can see I am avoiding everything today. Including the whole damn Pat Robertson Crap. You are a bad, bad, bad man, maybe not as bad as Jerry Falwell, but very bad none the less. I pitty you. For you know no love or tolerance.
Thanks for the shout out Babs, I miss you.
I feel like just sitting here and putting this passage in front of me just to stare at it.
Just to look and say what the hell. Where do I go from here. The choose your own adventure of my life showing me which choices lead where.
The problem is, I can't look ahead so much. I can only look as far as my eye can see.
Pity, party of one...
Johnathan- What?
Taylor- You don't even know yet?
Johnathan-That?
Taylor- You are in love with him...
~Chorus Boys in Love, L. Oberon
I wrote these few lines the other day. That's it for me. They sound like something I have heard. I don't know. What the hell is this play about other than a love rectangle. How boring is that. My last play was about time and why do we exist, and wtf questions. How can I go from deep to fluff? But you know, I do that with movies all the time. I watch very deep movies and then throw in fluff. I guess that is what we all do.
As you can see I am avoiding everything today. Including the whole damn Pat Robertson Crap. You are a bad, bad, bad man, maybe not as bad as Jerry Falwell, but very bad none the less. I pitty you. For you know no love or tolerance.
Thanks for the shout out Babs, I miss you.
I feel like just sitting here and putting this passage in front of me just to stare at it.
Just to look and say what the hell. Where do I go from here. The choose your own adventure of my life showing me which choices lead where.
The problem is, I can't look ahead so much. I can only look as far as my eye can see.
Pity, party of one...
el libro de sexo
Michael: What are we going to do? I mean, talking about girls, women. I wouldn't know the first thing. I've never even slept with one.
Ben: I have, once or twice.
Michael: Really?
Ben: Mm-hm.
Michael: How was it?
Ben: It was all right. Got a hard-on and everything and I suppose I performed adequately. At least no one complained. But I also remember thinking - Why are guys so obsessed with this? What's the big deal?
Michael: I guess that was the first clue.
Ben: That and liking to wear my mom's dresses. --- Just kidding. (Queer as Folk 411)
Okay, so the subject of sex is always up for discussion when I am at the table. I feel like Babs, we should talk about sex. However, there is one thing that I don't like to talk about.
My number.
I feel that your number is a sacred thing. Something that is yours to know, reference, and remember. Tonight sitting around a table of a few close friends they recounted their numbers.
I still hear the count down in my head...
7
7
3
2
What the hell. I realized then that just with the men I have slept with I had more than them combined. Lets not add the women.
Okay, wow, I know I experimented in college just like everyone else. It was a phase, I grew out of it. Now I am a normal homosexual male, just like everyone else. la la la...
This got me thinking of mi libro de sexo, and the pages that have been filled...
Page 1
The center of the football team the summer between 7th and 8th grade. This is when I first realized how much I liked boys.
Page 4
My boyfriend the val a dick torian, I look back on and wish we could still be together, even if he was a bit of a dick, sorry babe, you know you where. We had the best sexual chemistry, or at least an extremely conscious awareness of the kinesthetic conversations our bodies made.
Page 17
A man in a Prague bathhouse. Young, suave, sexy, interesting and a native of the Czech Republic. An interesting choice to taste the foreign cuisine.
Last page (you thought you where going to get the final count, ha)
A New Orleans young 19 y/o man fresh to college. Very eager and interested in things I had to say. A hard worker. Not my type, but very beautiful.
I sat in my room after Margarita Monday and relived the pages from mi libro. Remembering each guy...
I have a theory about sex, okay so what's new we all do...
I believe that when 2 people give into each other, their souls connect. By their souls connecting a stream from the collective conscious runs between them. There are secrets revealed, and truths uncovered. If you listen to someone, when you are having sex with them, you begin to have a kinesthetic conversation controlled by the unconsciousness. You can hear desires, fears, needs, wants, and a million other things. Throughout the engagement of the bodies, one opens ones mind and senses to a feast of information about their partner. With one of my exes I knew the second I had sex with him why we could not be together. It was a year after the breakup we had sex. We had great sexual chemistry, but not very good communication, or at least not good enough. We knew how to talk to each other, but not how to get a point across or on the table. We had different mindsets and we weren't willing to work with the others life. In the bed we had perfect timing, but through the unconsciousness stream of conversation I realized we could only speak kinetically. That was when we truly listened. Not out loud, God forbid we listen to each other out loud, but kinetically, we had great lengthy conversations.
I don't know when I became a slut, but I know it was a desire to know about the men of whom I was attracted. I found out several pieces of information from sleeping with them. What they liked their life pattern to be like. Did they always take the same route to work, or did it very? Did they want to talk or would they stay silent? What his ex had done to him, or if he was still holding on to his ex? These were just some of the questions I could answer. Not to mention a multitude of others. Sex, became and is a way for me to read minds kinesthetically. It allows me to understand someone fully. To get into their brain. Hell, that is why I had sex in both Ireland and Prague. I wanted to experience the culture, and I did. It was a mind expanding drug. And people just think I am a slut. Well maybe, but if you married a rich man to be kept, you're a whore, remember that.
I don't know what is the big deal with the number. So I have a long resume? So what, does it matter to anyone but me, no. I am happy I had sex with almost all of the men I slept with. Some, I would throw back on the fire, but I will not regret the sex we had. It was good, all of it, some more than others, but always good. I have had a wonderful time and have been pretty safe (considering that the only true safety is abstinence). Well, to all of you who really want to know. The number is...
none of your business...
Ben: I have, once or twice.
Michael: Really?
Ben: Mm-hm.
Michael: How was it?
Ben: It was all right. Got a hard-on and everything and I suppose I performed adequately. At least no one complained. But I also remember thinking - Why are guys so obsessed with this? What's the big deal?
Michael: I guess that was the first clue.
Ben: That and liking to wear my mom's dresses. --- Just kidding. (Queer as Folk 411)
Okay, so the subject of sex is always up for discussion when I am at the table. I feel like Babs, we should talk about sex. However, there is one thing that I don't like to talk about.
My number.
I feel that your number is a sacred thing. Something that is yours to know, reference, and remember. Tonight sitting around a table of a few close friends they recounted their numbers.
I still hear the count down in my head...
7
7
3
2
What the hell. I realized then that just with the men I have slept with I had more than them combined. Lets not add the women.
Okay, wow, I know I experimented in college just like everyone else. It was a phase, I grew out of it. Now I am a normal homosexual male, just like everyone else. la la la...
This got me thinking of mi libro de sexo, and the pages that have been filled...
Page 1
The center of the football team the summer between 7th and 8th grade. This is when I first realized how much I liked boys.
Page 4
My boyfriend the val a dick torian, I look back on and wish we could still be together, even if he was a bit of a dick, sorry babe, you know you where. We had the best sexual chemistry, or at least an extremely conscious awareness of the kinesthetic conversations our bodies made.
Page 17
A man in a Prague bathhouse. Young, suave, sexy, interesting and a native of the Czech Republic. An interesting choice to taste the foreign cuisine.
Last page (you thought you where going to get the final count, ha)
A New Orleans young 19 y/o man fresh to college. Very eager and interested in things I had to say. A hard worker. Not my type, but very beautiful.
I sat in my room after Margarita Monday and relived the pages from mi libro. Remembering each guy...
I have a theory about sex, okay so what's new we all do...
I believe that when 2 people give into each other, their souls connect. By their souls connecting a stream from the collective conscious runs between them. There are secrets revealed, and truths uncovered. If you listen to someone, when you are having sex with them, you begin to have a kinesthetic conversation controlled by the unconsciousness. You can hear desires, fears, needs, wants, and a million other things. Throughout the engagement of the bodies, one opens ones mind and senses to a feast of information about their partner. With one of my exes I knew the second I had sex with him why we could not be together. It was a year after the breakup we had sex. We had great sexual chemistry, but not very good communication, or at least not good enough. We knew how to talk to each other, but not how to get a point across or on the table. We had different mindsets and we weren't willing to work with the others life. In the bed we had perfect timing, but through the unconsciousness stream of conversation I realized we could only speak kinetically. That was when we truly listened. Not out loud, God forbid we listen to each other out loud, but kinetically, we had great lengthy conversations.
I don't know when I became a slut, but I know it was a desire to know about the men of whom I was attracted. I found out several pieces of information from sleeping with them. What they liked their life pattern to be like. Did they always take the same route to work, or did it very? Did they want to talk or would they stay silent? What his ex had done to him, or if he was still holding on to his ex? These were just some of the questions I could answer. Not to mention a multitude of others. Sex, became and is a way for me to read minds kinesthetically. It allows me to understand someone fully. To get into their brain. Hell, that is why I had sex in both Ireland and Prague. I wanted to experience the culture, and I did. It was a mind expanding drug. And people just think I am a slut. Well maybe, but if you married a rich man to be kept, you're a whore, remember that.
I don't know what is the big deal with the number. So I have a long resume? So what, does it matter to anyone but me, no. I am happy I had sex with almost all of the men I slept with. Some, I would throw back on the fire, but I will not regret the sex we had. It was good, all of it, some more than others, but always good. I have had a wonderful time and have been pretty safe (considering that the only true safety is abstinence). Well, to all of you who really want to know. The number is...
none of your business...
22 August 2005
en la luz
If you where to ask me how I got there, I do not know. I was sitting in a dark corner reminiscing of the old days. Wondering, just how old am I in this world of boys? The usually thumpa, thumpa, came to a close, and silence fell over the room as the crowds started to part. A spot on Jonathan on the far side hit with crisp precision. A slow tango drifted into the air. Strings at first that trickled into piano, and percussion. He started the tango with one boy on the floor, and ebbed and flowed into others until he had found "his one." Like a flash flood, he came to me. Stomping and clapping my attention. I gave one hand up to him and floated up to dance on the waves of this tango. The flood of music came as our legs twisted into and out of one another, a lift from him, a dip from me, out, in we moved to the rhythm of the music. The dance washed out of the bay and left us on the shore of the dance floor. Spot off. We exchanged a kiss, but the dance tonight was not over.
It's the only thing I can think to write right now, right. Ha, okay, I am not doing so well with the writing. Valencia is going to kill me. I have no new scenes. I just want to write about men dancing and fighting. Maybe, that will be my first book, a collection of shorts based on men fighting and dancing. Or maybe I can get off my sorry ass and actually find a way to right a book about men who dance and fight. But really let’s finish up this next play. So, I have this scene to write and I don't know how to do it. It came to me in a dream, I think...
The four men stood in the bedroom. Conscience of the references to porn they all where thinking about, they squelched their laughter and waited to enter the bed. This was a holocaust waiting to happen.
The night had been mystical combining old and new friends. Now it was time for the four friends to lie in the bed that was made for them. The tallest took the position nearest to the wall. As most unstable constant in the group he would surely not fall off in that position. Next to him lay the 2nd tallest fighting the desire to spoon. The boy with the beautiful eyes placed me beside him and the 2nd tallest boy. The most stable inconstant sure to bookend the men into the bed. The sleepless night began as the boys ran through a stream of conscience choreographed positioning of bodies in sleep sporadically spaced in sleeplessness.
One's hand moved up another’s shirt. A little too far, the hand was stopped. An apology quickly stopped also. The hand did not do anything the body wasn't wanting...
One fought all night not to hold onto another only to place his arm around the bookend while sleeping. His unconscious taking over.
The game was set to find the human contact so needed that night. Finally, sleep was found when the unconscious took over and the four men where split into two cuddling couples.
The two unlikely couples found peace in their chaos. The night was filled with secrets the pairs shared without words.
So, how am I going to turn that into a scene? Those feelings and emotions. I don't know, but that is going into a book I am writing now as well. So, who knows. The book and the play are suppose to go together. ummmmm, I don't know. It will come to me, just give it time.
I'm off to doodle.
Lestat
Quote from QAF:
Brian: And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were. (414)
It's the only thing I can think to write right now, right. Ha, okay, I am not doing so well with the writing. Valencia is going to kill me. I have no new scenes. I just want to write about men dancing and fighting. Maybe, that will be my first book, a collection of shorts based on men fighting and dancing. Or maybe I can get off my sorry ass and actually find a way to right a book about men who dance and fight. But really let’s finish up this next play. So, I have this scene to write and I don't know how to do it. It came to me in a dream, I think...
The four men stood in the bedroom. Conscience of the references to porn they all where thinking about, they squelched their laughter and waited to enter the bed. This was a holocaust waiting to happen.
The night had been mystical combining old and new friends. Now it was time for the four friends to lie in the bed that was made for them. The tallest took the position nearest to the wall. As most unstable constant in the group he would surely not fall off in that position. Next to him lay the 2nd tallest fighting the desire to spoon. The boy with the beautiful eyes placed me beside him and the 2nd tallest boy. The most stable inconstant sure to bookend the men into the bed. The sleepless night began as the boys ran through a stream of conscience choreographed positioning of bodies in sleep sporadically spaced in sleeplessness.
One's hand moved up another’s shirt. A little too far, the hand was stopped. An apology quickly stopped also. The hand did not do anything the body wasn't wanting...
One fought all night not to hold onto another only to place his arm around the bookend while sleeping. His unconscious taking over.
The game was set to find the human contact so needed that night. Finally, sleep was found when the unconscious took over and the four men where split into two cuddling couples.
The two unlikely couples found peace in their chaos. The night was filled with secrets the pairs shared without words.
So, how am I going to turn that into a scene? Those feelings and emotions. I don't know, but that is going into a book I am writing now as well. So, who knows. The book and the play are suppose to go together. ummmmm, I don't know. It will come to me, just give it time.
I'm off to doodle.
Lestat
Quote from QAF:
Brian: And as for the times when you're not around, I wouldn't particularly mind it if you were. (414)
19 August 2005
προσευχή
What a fool am I...
I use this blog to get the petty bullshit out, but really, after looking around, there is much more in this world that needs to be focused on. Not parts in shows, but people struggling. That's what theatre gave to me, and I hear Patrick's voice in my head from Dublin saying theatre should impact, it should be more than we need it to be.
Over the last few days watching and reading about the Israelies moving out, I begin to pray. My praying consists of meditation and reflextion and talking to what I preceive as my Lord. Whatever you believe or don't believe, I would as that you take a moment to think of the hardships that these persons (individually) are going through. We may never know, and hopefully won't.
This photo sent chills down me. I guess because of the conviction and the faith.
What's left but hope for these people...
What's left but hope for any of us, but for these people most of all there is only hope.
"I'm standing here without any fear that Israelis will shooot at me because their battle today is against themselves."
~Mohammed Bashir, a Palestinian farmer in the town of Deir al-Balah in the Gaza Strip.
perhaps the battle is always against ourselves?
I use this blog to get the petty bullshit out, but really, after looking around, there is much more in this world that needs to be focused on. Not parts in shows, but people struggling. That's what theatre gave to me, and I hear Patrick's voice in my head from Dublin saying theatre should impact, it should be more than we need it to be.
Over the last few days watching and reading about the Israelies moving out, I begin to pray. My praying consists of meditation and reflextion and talking to what I preceive as my Lord. Whatever you believe or don't believe, I would as that you take a moment to think of the hardships that these persons (individually) are going through. We may never know, and hopefully won't.
This photo sent chills down me. I guess because of the conviction and the faith.
What's left but hope for these people...
What's left but hope for any of us, but for these people most of all there is only hope.
"I'm standing here without any fear that Israelis will shooot at me because their battle today is against themselves."
~Mohammed Bashir, a Palestinian farmer in the town of Deir al-Balah in the Gaza Strip.
perhaps the battle is always against ourselves?
cansado y derrotado
Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane? (101)
I think if I hear the word Seussical or audition one more time, I think I am going to scream. And tonight I am going out on the town with several people I auditioned with. I think I will scream enough before we head out.
It's not so much that I didn't get called back for the role I wanted, but that I let it get to me that much, and it is still getting to me. Possibly because of one of the guys they called back for the role. He had no reason to be there. They kept us sitting there waiting for 2 hours before even telling us what we were their for. And were very rude to us. Come on. I am an actor not a douche bag. Just let me know what I am going to be reading for and let me prepare. Also, I wasn't expecting most of the roles, because I am not a singer. And yet somehow the director had it in his mind that I can sing harmony just great. It will be so easy. Now, as soon as I get cast, I will be learning to sing harmony and crying myself to sleep every night because I won't get it until the last week, because I suck at singing. But Oh well. I was expecting to read for a role that was improve and speaking mainly. Very little singing and where the singing was that hard. Guess I was wrong. Oh well. I am also, just tired of musicals. I don't want to audition for another one for a while. I long to do a play again. Something of substance. Something fun (call me weird but Shakespeare, Wilde, Sheridan, the Greeks, and Beckett is great fun for me).
It also made me realize very quickly that what this production wanted were people who can sing very well. And then if they can act that's cool. So, whatever, I will chalk that up to that.
Disclaimer:
As you have read in my blog, I don't think to highly of myself. I am about to speak very highly of me doing what I do best. If you don't like ego, don't read. Skip to paragraph of continue here.
I am just a bit tired of working my ass off doing things I don't like doing to get noticed. And then of course they like what I hate doing and hate me doing what I like. Ah, yes that's life. I swear my designs will make me a lot of money. Especially if I design for commercial theatre, but I hate doing it. It is well, boring. I can design in my sleep and I hate that. Because, I don't really care to do it, but I use it as an in for acting and directing. It just seems like they see my great designs and want me as that. Screw you guys, I don't want to design anything unless I am paid. I just want to direct now and act for free. But NO, to get an acting role I need to be noticed by doing the costumes...blah blah blah...I really am a good actor I promise, that's just it, I am good at acting, in plays, not musicals. Oh well, as Emmett says, "Fuck em all."
Okay continue here:
So yeah, I am a hoping to get a directing gig with them and I do want to rise to the challenge and do this role to prove to myself I can do it. So, that is that. Deal is done. I am tired of worrying and fretting and bullshitting over it. I just want this show over and done with.
And then, hopefully I will get to direct the show I want.
On a better, note I was asked to direct a play from some students who are working toward a company of their own. I am excited, it is a great script that is dark and more my ally. It's WWI and about the ghost that haunt them. I am very into it. I hope I have the time and can do it. It will be like a "mini Group Theatre!!" And they are very excited to have me as a director who is also a designer, because they are all designers and want to design, and I have a vocabulary to talk with them as designers, because I am one!!! So, no pressure on designing!!!
Ah that is music to my ears...
Superboy, you are amazing, thanx for the gameplay last night. You will never know how much I needed that.
I think if I hear the word Seussical or audition one more time, I think I am going to scream. And tonight I am going out on the town with several people I auditioned with. I think I will scream enough before we head out.
It's not so much that I didn't get called back for the role I wanted, but that I let it get to me that much, and it is still getting to me. Possibly because of one of the guys they called back for the role. He had no reason to be there. They kept us sitting there waiting for 2 hours before even telling us what we were their for. And were very rude to us. Come on. I am an actor not a douche bag. Just let me know what I am going to be reading for and let me prepare. Also, I wasn't expecting most of the roles, because I am not a singer. And yet somehow the director had it in his mind that I can sing harmony just great. It will be so easy. Now, as soon as I get cast, I will be learning to sing harmony and crying myself to sleep every night because I won't get it until the last week, because I suck at singing. But Oh well. I was expecting to read for a role that was improve and speaking mainly. Very little singing and where the singing was that hard. Guess I was wrong. Oh well. I am also, just tired of musicals. I don't want to audition for another one for a while. I long to do a play again. Something of substance. Something fun (call me weird but Shakespeare, Wilde, Sheridan, the Greeks, and Beckett is great fun for me).
It also made me realize very quickly that what this production wanted were people who can sing very well. And then if they can act that's cool. So, whatever, I will chalk that up to that.
Disclaimer:
As you have read in my blog, I don't think to highly of myself. I am about to speak very highly of me doing what I do best. If you don't like ego, don't read. Skip to paragraph of continue here.
I am just a bit tired of working my ass off doing things I don't like doing to get noticed. And then of course they like what I hate doing and hate me doing what I like. Ah, yes that's life. I swear my designs will make me a lot of money. Especially if I design for commercial theatre, but I hate doing it. It is well, boring. I can design in my sleep and I hate that. Because, I don't really care to do it, but I use it as an in for acting and directing. It just seems like they see my great designs and want me as that. Screw you guys, I don't want to design anything unless I am paid. I just want to direct now and act for free. But NO, to get an acting role I need to be noticed by doing the costumes...blah blah blah...I really am a good actor I promise, that's just it, I am good at acting, in plays, not musicals. Oh well, as Emmett says, "Fuck em all."
Okay continue here:
So yeah, I am a hoping to get a directing gig with them and I do want to rise to the challenge and do this role to prove to myself I can do it. So, that is that. Deal is done. I am tired of worrying and fretting and bullshitting over it. I just want this show over and done with.
And then, hopefully I will get to direct the show I want.
On a better, note I was asked to direct a play from some students who are working toward a company of their own. I am excited, it is a great script that is dark and more my ally. It's WWI and about the ghost that haunt them. I am very into it. I hope I have the time and can do it. It will be like a "mini Group Theatre!!" And they are very excited to have me as a director who is also a designer, because they are all designers and want to design, and I have a vocabulary to talk with them as designers, because I am one!!! So, no pressure on designing!!!
Ah that is music to my ears...
Superboy, you are amazing, thanx for the gameplay last night. You will never know how much I needed that.
17 August 2005
doing cartwheels
I received a callback to Seussical! Rock. I hope it is for the Cat. I want it so bad!!! Okay, well, I wish all who auditioned all the luck, and remember I have only been to a few callbacks, and usually I get better roles if I am not called back.
Besos!
L
Besos!
L
Gatito y perrito
Okay, so I am about to go to bed after day 2 of auditions. I am a bit worried, but I know they are calling guys back for Cat. I thought I would post this lovely pic in hopes that I maybe the Cat and find my puppy. I don't know. Maybe one day. Soon I hope. He's out there somewhere. I feel him, I just can't will him into being yet.
Life is better, thanks to Babs. You rock my face off and I love you. I can't wait to see you again. Thanks for a wonder night, my Grace.
Thanks also to my superhero. You are kind and strong and I enjoyed our night out on Monday. Here's to many more.
Love,
L
Life is better, thanks to Babs. You rock my face off and I love you. I can't wait to see you again. Thanks for a wonder night, my Grace.
Thanks also to my superhero. You are kind and strong and I enjoyed our night out on Monday. Here's to many more.
Love,
L
16 August 2005
tiempo por change
So I have been in the worst of moods today. Extremely snippy and looking for a reason to quit my job and I know that this is the best job for me right now. I have applied for another job at a costume shop that is better paying, but I don’t know if I will get it. Also, all of my financial aid stuff is getting mixed up and around and I am waiting to hear on that today. I hate my life. Again remember I am in a bitchy mood. I didn’t give my best at auditions last night and it was my own fault, so this is going to be a dear diary, pity party of one blog so reader beware. I feel that I am not at the top of my game anymore. I feel tired and lonely and not wanting to work unless I am doing what I want. I know I have to jump through the hoops and sail over the hurdles, but it seems like most of my friends are getting more work than I am, and better work. I feel that I am stuck. Drifting because I have many areas that I work in Costumes, Set, Directing, Playwriting and Acting which is great, but it also means that I have to do all the work to keep them all going. I wish I could just pick one and stick to it. I wish that I had the power to say I am this, to finally fit into that cookie cutter of society and to label myself. What a horrible word, label. But, I am so reluctant to do this. I want what I want.
I want to see mountains Gandolf!
But instead I see hills and more disturbing to me plains. I am so afraid to get stuck somewhere doing something I don’t want to be doing. I am afraid that I am waiting on a plane that will never land. My own world inside of me lives up in the air. And on land there is this reverse “little mermaid” feeling that I have.
Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark. There's... There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him... with my waking eyes.
I cannot remember the last day I had a fun at work. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems the journey to where I am now has led me to a state of unhappiness. I will post more later and will do so.
Lestat
I want to see mountains Gandolf!
But instead I see hills and more disturbing to me plains. I am so afraid to get stuck somewhere doing something I don’t want to be doing. I am afraid that I am waiting on a plane that will never land. My own world inside of me lives up in the air. And on land there is this reverse “little mermaid” feeling that I have.
Frodo: No, Sam. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark. There's... There's nothing. No veil between me and the wheel of fire. I can see him... with my waking eyes.
I cannot remember the last day I had a fun at work. It wasn’t that long ago, but it seems the journey to where I am now has led me to a state of unhappiness. I will post more later and will do so.
Lestat
15 August 2005
el sentarse bastante
Brian: By the way, I missed you. (QAF Episode: 408)
Number of pages written: 2
So, I ran away to a mythical land this weekend, with my good friend Babs. What a wonderful time was had by both of us. We laughed, talked, had many a wonderful Margarita!! Yes, from the best place in all of San Antonio, Texas. We never ran out of things to talk about, see or do. We had no agenda, save shopping and drinking and discovered a wonderful little shot called an oatmeal pie. I am sure we will have many more. We boy watched, and yes, guys in kelts rock my face off. It was a wonderful few days full of escape and magic.
Now, back to the grind at work it feels as if I never left. :(
On a good note, I found the shoes I want badly made by Steve Madden. And I know where I want to go next time we go to SA!!! I didn’t get to go to Bohnam this time, but I will save that for next visit.
I have an audition for Seussical tonight. AHHHH!!! I don’t really want to audition, but I have to because I want a role. Wow, why can’t we actors just rise up and find a new way of getting cast, ha ha. I know, that will never happen and everyone hates auditioning, I know, I know, but well, it’s time to get back into the groove.
I did miss someone this weekend terribly, but I am working through that, blah blah blah. I will see him soon enough.
Thank you Superboy for being the superhero you are!!! He found my music and I am forever in your debt.
Also, a very happy birthday to the Cat in Pants!!! Hope tonight to get you as drunk as possible. It is her 21st birthday!!! :) Cheers love!!!
As you can see I am avoiding work. So, since I have nothing to but crazy rambling to do today I will leave you.
Number of pages written: 2
So, I ran away to a mythical land this weekend, with my good friend Babs. What a wonderful time was had by both of us. We laughed, talked, had many a wonderful Margarita!! Yes, from the best place in all of San Antonio, Texas. We never ran out of things to talk about, see or do. We had no agenda, save shopping and drinking and discovered a wonderful little shot called an oatmeal pie. I am sure we will have many more. We boy watched, and yes, guys in kelts rock my face off. It was a wonderful few days full of escape and magic.
Now, back to the grind at work it feels as if I never left. :(
On a good note, I found the shoes I want badly made by Steve Madden. And I know where I want to go next time we go to SA!!! I didn’t get to go to Bohnam this time, but I will save that for next visit.
I have an audition for Seussical tonight. AHHHH!!! I don’t really want to audition, but I have to because I want a role. Wow, why can’t we actors just rise up and find a new way of getting cast, ha ha. I know, that will never happen and everyone hates auditioning, I know, I know, but well, it’s time to get back into the groove.
I did miss someone this weekend terribly, but I am working through that, blah blah blah. I will see him soon enough.
Thank you Superboy for being the superhero you are!!! He found my music and I am forever in your debt.
Also, a very happy birthday to the Cat in Pants!!! Hope tonight to get you as drunk as possible. It is her 21st birthday!!! :) Cheers love!!!
As you can see I am avoiding work. So, since I have nothing to but crazy rambling to do today I will leave you.
11 August 2005
Vuelo
Quote: QAF
Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century.
Emmett: Well, in addition to throwing fabulous parties and being a world-renowned master in the art of fellatio, I'm also one hell of a dance instructor. (314)
My thoughts are winged and so am I today…
My heart goes out to dear Babs today. Mum gives her condolences and J-bird says hey and hopes you are doing well. It is a frantic life we live and we are prone to come and less then we can stay. We all live teetering on a thin line of life and not one of use know the end until it comes. All we have is time enough to dance and sing together and enjoy the moments we have. I have enjoyed all of my friends so much and although we all are a bit busier and a bit further apart. I love and think of them everyday. They fill up not only my thoughts, but my heart, soul and still they come into life. We all live on after death in the others around us. It’s cliché, but true…well, as long as we believe in it. And I think that is the point. What is the harm in believing in it? What more do we have save hope?
I am better than yesterday, but am ready for the weekend. It will be nice to escape into the colourful culture of another city.
I have so much to do and to work on, but today I am at a bit of a stand still, and today’s blog is going to be a bit short…sorry loves, pero necesito a tomar el cuidado de me.
Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century.
Emmett: Well, in addition to throwing fabulous parties and being a world-renowned master in the art of fellatio, I'm also one hell of a dance instructor. (314)
My thoughts are winged and so am I today…
My heart goes out to dear Babs today. Mum gives her condolences and J-bird says hey and hopes you are doing well. It is a frantic life we live and we are prone to come and less then we can stay. We all live teetering on a thin line of life and not one of use know the end until it comes. All we have is time enough to dance and sing together and enjoy the moments we have. I have enjoyed all of my friends so much and although we all are a bit busier and a bit further apart. I love and think of them everyday. They fill up not only my thoughts, but my heart, soul and still they come into life. We all live on after death in the others around us. It’s cliché, but true…well, as long as we believe in it. And I think that is the point. What is the harm in believing in it? What more do we have save hope?
I am better than yesterday, but am ready for the weekend. It will be nice to escape into the colourful culture of another city.
I have so much to do and to work on, but today I am at a bit of a stand still, and today’s blog is going to be a bit short…sorry loves, pero necesito a tomar el cuidado de me.
10 August 2005
apesadumbrado, tendría cogida usted, pero estoy leyendo un buen libro
Quote from Queer as Folk (do I notice a trend, maybe so):
Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in f*king. (101)
Pages written today: 1
So, yeah, I picked up a great book that I would like to share with you all; too bad I don't have the money, so go buy it yourself. It's called My Cold War. It's by Tom Piazza. It is page turning greatness. I love his weaving of his life and history. It delights my heart to hear him write about concepts that are in my play. I am very happy!!!
So, I talked to my mother tonight. Such a great time was had, by someone, somewhere else having sex. I am never amazed at how much my mother doesn't listen to me. She wants an immediate fix to my problem. She wants hallmark answers to solve my never-ending string of problems. Wow, life is grand. I also don't like talking to her about my problems, especially about guys, because it becomes not about me but about her. I know I do this at times, but I have been working on this very hard. To not give examples of my life unless asked. She has no knowledge that this doesn't help me. We also go onto a different path when we start talking about my problems. I am on one subject and it turns into another subject. Usually about my sister. I don't care about how she's doing unless I ask. (I know I am a b*tch), but oh well, I mean you want to know what's wrong with me. I am tired of being Mr. Happy and want to be Mr. Pissed OFF!! I have the right to be pessimistic and want to vent and she thinks I do bad things with this energy. And maybe, because I used to slit at my wrists she worries. Oh, but she used to think I was the happiest of children... I often do creative things to help with my personal crisis...like write, or exercise, or kill off someone (oh, wait, not the last one....hmmmm). And she is sitting there telling me that I just need to be more active and exercise. Which in my low self-esteemed self means, “your fat." Yes mom, as if I didn't have enough of an image problem. Okay, so I am not fat, but I have an image problem, wow, bienvenidos a la 21st Century. Well, and of course I finally spilt the beans about liking someone and how I was frustrated with that. And then that segued into how my father and her where accepting of my lifestyle although they would prefer me to settle down with a nice girl. Wow, thanks, I am so glad you approve of my "choice." If I didn't feel good about myself enough, I had to hear about my mother’s problems and my sisters and everything around my problems without me getting to vent. Really, when I am throwing myself a pity party I really just want to vent. If you want to talk with me, let me vent. If I want your opinion I will ask for it (Babs of course can get away with telling me what to do, it's what gives the will its grace). And that's just it.
I really can't wait to spend a weekend away with my Gracie...Ahhhh it's almost here. YES!!! Fun in the sun and great, great life. I am so ready for this weekend. I bought snacks for the road, will be looking up fun topics of conversation and will order a cold margarita when I get there. I cannot wait.
So, my ex is coming into town tonight (not the ex, the likes of which my mother brought up in conversation, why can't she hate him, I am the one who was in love with him and we are still good friends, but that doesn't mean I want her to like him)...I am happy, lets just call him, Mr. Goodf*ck. Not that I am going to do that tonight, but who knows, I may just be that desperate. The boys around here are not quite knocking on my door to be with me. Yeah. I know and where do I get my image problem from...okay, so it is from me, I know, no matter who I am dating or have dated (and I have dated some hot guys), I put this on myself.
Oh, and another thing that struck me as weird. The other night as I had drinks with an old friend, he reminded me that he had never seen me kiss a boy, and the joke of I am an in the closet straight man came around, ha. But that just reminded me of how little I have dated since moving to Barcelona. What's up with that? Yo no se... I guess I just haven't found the right guy. Which is true. The few I have wasted my time on where not worth it. But you know if they aren't worth it, I don't want to invest in it. And that is the truth. Mr. Big I am sorry, but you were an ass to me, and I know you love me and maybe one day it will work out, but you need to grow up you 29 y/o boy...Mr. Adonis, I love you, but the timing is off, I am sorry, hope that will change...Mr. Goodf*ck, I hope we have a great talk tonight...Mr. Hopeful, I hope it can workout when you get back, even if some of my friends think you are strange. Hell, they call me corky...
Corky, that's another vein that hits pretty hard...I will comment on that another time. Right now I am a bit exhausted from this blog...
Goals:
To kiss a boy in the rain: on the back burner until someone good comes along.
To find an answer to a question: will get back to you on that...
Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in f*king. (101)
Pages written today: 1
So, yeah, I picked up a great book that I would like to share with you all; too bad I don't have the money, so go buy it yourself. It's called My Cold War. It's by Tom Piazza. It is page turning greatness. I love his weaving of his life and history. It delights my heart to hear him write about concepts that are in my play. I am very happy!!!
So, I talked to my mother tonight. Such a great time was had, by someone, somewhere else having sex. I am never amazed at how much my mother doesn't listen to me. She wants an immediate fix to my problem. She wants hallmark answers to solve my never-ending string of problems. Wow, life is grand. I also don't like talking to her about my problems, especially about guys, because it becomes not about me but about her. I know I do this at times, but I have been working on this very hard. To not give examples of my life unless asked. She has no knowledge that this doesn't help me. We also go onto a different path when we start talking about my problems. I am on one subject and it turns into another subject. Usually about my sister. I don't care about how she's doing unless I ask. (I know I am a b*tch), but oh well, I mean you want to know what's wrong with me. I am tired of being Mr. Happy and want to be Mr. Pissed OFF!! I have the right to be pessimistic and want to vent and she thinks I do bad things with this energy. And maybe, because I used to slit at my wrists she worries. Oh, but she used to think I was the happiest of children... I often do creative things to help with my personal crisis...like write, or exercise, or kill off someone (oh, wait, not the last one....hmmmm). And she is sitting there telling me that I just need to be more active and exercise. Which in my low self-esteemed self means, “your fat." Yes mom, as if I didn't have enough of an image problem. Okay, so I am not fat, but I have an image problem, wow, bienvenidos a la 21st Century. Well, and of course I finally spilt the beans about liking someone and how I was frustrated with that. And then that segued into how my father and her where accepting of my lifestyle although they would prefer me to settle down with a nice girl. Wow, thanks, I am so glad you approve of my "choice." If I didn't feel good about myself enough, I had to hear about my mother’s problems and my sisters and everything around my problems without me getting to vent. Really, when I am throwing myself a pity party I really just want to vent. If you want to talk with me, let me vent. If I want your opinion I will ask for it (Babs of course can get away with telling me what to do, it's what gives the will its grace). And that's just it.
I really can't wait to spend a weekend away with my Gracie...Ahhhh it's almost here. YES!!! Fun in the sun and great, great life. I am so ready for this weekend. I bought snacks for the road, will be looking up fun topics of conversation and will order a cold margarita when I get there. I cannot wait.
So, my ex is coming into town tonight (not the ex, the likes of which my mother brought up in conversation, why can't she hate him, I am the one who was in love with him and we are still good friends, but that doesn't mean I want her to like him)...I am happy, lets just call him, Mr. Goodf*ck. Not that I am going to do that tonight, but who knows, I may just be that desperate. The boys around here are not quite knocking on my door to be with me. Yeah. I know and where do I get my image problem from...okay, so it is from me, I know, no matter who I am dating or have dated (and I have dated some hot guys), I put this on myself.
Oh, and another thing that struck me as weird. The other night as I had drinks with an old friend, he reminded me that he had never seen me kiss a boy, and the joke of I am an in the closet straight man came around, ha. But that just reminded me of how little I have dated since moving to Barcelona. What's up with that? Yo no se... I guess I just haven't found the right guy. Which is true. The few I have wasted my time on where not worth it. But you know if they aren't worth it, I don't want to invest in it. And that is the truth. Mr. Big I am sorry, but you were an ass to me, and I know you love me and maybe one day it will work out, but you need to grow up you 29 y/o boy...Mr. Adonis, I love you, but the timing is off, I am sorry, hope that will change...Mr. Goodf*ck, I hope we have a great talk tonight...Mr. Hopeful, I hope it can workout when you get back, even if some of my friends think you are strange. Hell, they call me corky...
Corky, that's another vein that hits pretty hard...I will comment on that another time. Right now I am a bit exhausted from this blog...
Goals:
To kiss a boy in the rain: on the back burner until someone good comes along.
To find an answer to a question: will get back to you on that...
09 August 2005
el rey del mundo
Quote: From Queer as Folk
Michael: Right after my mother told me I was gay, she gave me this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.
Ben: Yeah, well, I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.
Michael: Why not?
Ben: Well, Michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to. (207)
So regardless of the sleepless night I was just happy to have, I am feeling a bit like el rey del mundo...
Number of pages finished: none still, but looking hopeful...
I have a great new idea, I journalled last night (okay I know it’s not a word, let's get past that, you should know by reading I make them up as I go, like Shakespeare) and had a great brainstorming session,
So let’s say number of brainstorm: 5 pages...
There that at least makes me feel a bit better. My dear Grace I do hope you are feeling better as well.
So just how crazy is the thought... and this comes some from my brainstorming... that when we die inside our minds our head falls like Christ? Could we see the crucifixion before we die? Or is this my faith filled background leaking into my perceptions of afterlife? Okay, so I was drunk and happy and realized that at that moment, my life could have ended on a happy note. That I hoped one day my life would end with me in bliss filled happiness smothered in calmed gravy and euphoric sprinkles...No I was not on drugs...I was just very happy sitting around, okay so I smoked a fag outside, and thinking of how our lives (the people from K-town were there and I was reminiscing)…where so different now and in a better way. It was old friends coming together and taking joy in life, rather than harping on the past. What a wonderful experience to have. But it dawned on me, that this is how I wanted to die. Then of course that went into how I wanted to show death in my play and how do I use that. It would be better for a screenplay, yada yada, la la la… It was today, several days passed, that I realized I need to forget the yada yada, and go for it…I don’t know how yet, but just start writing.
Recently, I am a bit random, blogging between work and such, I was thinking how different my life would have been. The different paths we take. Of course, this is nothing new.
I have an audition next week. Seussical, well, I am scared, but I think I have it in me…Hell, I can do that…
Lestat
Michael: Right after my mother told me I was gay, she gave me this big safe sex lecture. I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive.
Ben: Yeah, well, I was going to ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.
Michael: Why not?
Ben: Well, Michael, a cucumber is a lot to live up to. (207)
So regardless of the sleepless night I was just happy to have, I am feeling a bit like el rey del mundo...
Number of pages finished: none still, but looking hopeful...
I have a great new idea, I journalled last night (okay I know it’s not a word, let's get past that, you should know by reading I make them up as I go, like Shakespeare) and had a great brainstorming session,
So let’s say number of brainstorm: 5 pages...
There that at least makes me feel a bit better. My dear Grace I do hope you are feeling better as well.
So just how crazy is the thought... and this comes some from my brainstorming... that when we die inside our minds our head falls like Christ? Could we see the crucifixion before we die? Or is this my faith filled background leaking into my perceptions of afterlife? Okay, so I was drunk and happy and realized that at that moment, my life could have ended on a happy note. That I hoped one day my life would end with me in bliss filled happiness smothered in calmed gravy and euphoric sprinkles...No I was not on drugs...I was just very happy sitting around, okay so I smoked a fag outside, and thinking of how our lives (the people from K-town were there and I was reminiscing)…where so different now and in a better way. It was old friends coming together and taking joy in life, rather than harping on the past. What a wonderful experience to have. But it dawned on me, that this is how I wanted to die. Then of course that went into how I wanted to show death in my play and how do I use that. It would be better for a screenplay, yada yada, la la la… It was today, several days passed, that I realized I need to forget the yada yada, and go for it…I don’t know how yet, but just start writing.
Recently, I am a bit random, blogging between work and such, I was thinking how different my life would have been. The different paths we take. Of course, this is nothing new.
I have an audition next week. Seussical, well, I am scared, but I think I have it in me…Hell, I can do that…
Lestat
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