mudanza a velocidad terminal

Brian: A big fat lie is I won't come in your mouth. (QAF Episode: 405)
Recently I have been tired and sore. No, I haven't been working out a lot, or having all night fuck fests. I just have been dealing with the fact that I am in a job I have no intention of staying in for much longer. I am so ready to get out of town, explore life. Why haven't I joined Peace Corps or sold everything and seen the world? I mean granted I have seen more than most people, but I am always reminded of the line in Broken Hearts Club: every so often I swear to sell everything I know and backpack across Europe and really find myself as a photographer. Well, why the hell haven't I done that? I guess it doesn't help that I was reading Into the Wild so yeah, I have fueled my adventure mentality that has been laying dormant under my capitolist need to live a comfortable life. blah. I want to get otu, to move out, to go, to live, but I am right here sitting watching tv, getting more tired and more sad that I am not exploring life and the world. Hmmmmm, its time to rethink life kids and this time, I have to find a way to make it work.

Apariciones

"Just like Jesus, and Liza and Judy he's making a comeback..." Brian QAF Ep 403

I know its been too long, I always say that, but this time I think its time to start putting pen to paper again. Life has changed, the world as I know it has become so distant. I need to start to examining my life more. I stuck at a job I hate working toward a future I may or may not have. I don't know why but I need a change. Perhaps I always need change? I think that is the truth, whenever life seems to balance, I need upheaval. But I no longer want change through distruction...now I need to figure out how to make changes through creation.

One: Decide where I want to be in life. Check
Two: Decide how to get there...still perfecting...
Three: Do it! Not yet there.

Seems easy, so why do we as a whole not do this all the time? Why is it that I haven't done this before? Because simplicity is so hard. Try to make something simple, it isn't easy. Simplicity is so hard to us because we are creatures of over analysing, needing to complicate and finding the dificult in the facile...I have spent the last years of my research and acting/directing training trying to find simplicity, and it is still the hardest moment on stage. Its not easy to explain, and harder still to show, if you complicate...and I do...perhaps the earlier statement of we as a people do this is not true...actually it is not a blanket statement that can be made, but it can be of me. I tend to lump people in my category of problems, forgetting that we are all wired a little different. So, here is the rant of today. And the question is how can I make this more simple without complicating things.

Random flamboyantly gay moment: I can't wait to see 27 Dresses...

With Love,

Lestat

sorry no posts

So only a few more days are left. What is up with that? I have been so busy, learning a new job and working on lines and designing costumes that I have had no time to think of much. So, sorry for the long pause. I am just going to try to make it one day at a time...

Day 29 down on to day 28

Howie: It's my turn to wait, and I will wait long enough.
~Broken Hearts Club

It is my turn to wait, and wait long enough...not for you, but for someone who is worthy of me. someone who I will fall madly for. Already, you romove the sex, and the romatantic comes full force. But sitting at the bar, staring at a boy who for right now is perfect, but who is not ready for me. I have to remember that I have to wait. Timing in comedy is everything, and it is the same for life. I am always so sad that as far as it is known Aristotle only wrote about tragedy. Perhaps this is because he knew tragedy needed rules, but comedy from the beginning of time on has always had specific rules. I know I am over exageratting, but in my opinion tragedy is broad, and comedy is narrow. Everyone can see in an instant when something in comedy works, where in tragedy there are many combinations that might work, or that do work. I think I would have enjoyed Aristotle's anal retentiveness more if he had written about comedy. I like many of the Christina Yang's of this world (I know I am Meredith, but really they are cut from the same cloth and I share Yang's sense of ocd) am obsessed with textbook answers. Comedy is textbook, and hard. You have to be born with it or overly study the manual. The reason I am so good at comedy is I am textbook with it. I follow the rules. I wasn't born into it, and although I was born a storyteller, I am not a natural actor. I have had to study and grind and build my craft. That is why it is so interesting to me to see natural talent. That is why I am so impressed by it, even knowing that although it is so impressive, they often lack the disipline of learned actors. Not to mention the degrees in between, let me go binary for a moment (i know I hate binary, but for the purposes of this blog I will amuse the binarists out there). I need to become proud of who I am again. I think that is why I am going onto these 30 days. And hopefully I can keep it up, and find out things to let me aquire the will to be proud, without the need for people to recognize it. That is really what this is about, I need to focus on that rather than the romantic notions that I am doing this for a man, because in the end, if I don't do it for myself, its not worth it...I think we have hit the stage of pre-mature enlightenment, we may be able to go somewhere with this, if I don't focus on it and use it as a shield to become enlightened...Ok, I am exhaused I should go to bed.

I hurt myself today...

Dennis: You sure know how to pick them.
Benji: I know, I can't help myself, they remind me of how it used to be, where you look around and every guy in the room is just a
Dennis: Possibility
Benji: Yeah and then you find out WE are the possiblity.
~Broken Hearts Club

When did the endless world of possibilities turn into the us as posibilities? As if we don't have enough problems coming out, we shoot out of the closet and run around with guys that make us bitter and jaded. Then we all become bitter gay men, which sturcturalism taught us to mean we are all the same bitter jaded gay man...Yes I do enjoy boiling structuralism down to its basic premise. I guess day one is over. I have survived the first day without sex, ok, like I have it all the time, but I did have it more than the average guy. I guess perhaps I should let you know what spurred this adventure, other than the fact of boys...Perhaps I have been having too much sex, not that it gives anyone the right to call me a slut, also, I am always using sex as a way to validate myself, to feel better, to fix what He broke (he here is in the universal sense, naturally). And, perhaps I should nit, not to find McVet, because lets face it, he just lets my dog that symbolizes McDreamy die reminding me of that relationship. Okay, enough with the Meredith metaphors. But really, I do need to fix me. I need to figure out what makes me feel the way I do. Why am I still hung up on these boys who are not worth it. Why am I a romantic, and is that something I am able to obtain, or is it something I am not willing to allow myself that pleasure. Barring the whole monkey theory that groups of gay men are a group of monkeys that during mating time the men gather and kill each other, but well, the Coles/Brian Kenny's out there without a soul, make us that are him, look bad. Ok, I know I am babeling but it is late. So, I sleep around a lot, perhaps this is something that is making me look bad, and it gives McDreamy something to fuel horrible fires about me to all the other gay Seattle Grace. But you know, really I just need to stop having sex so that when I do, perhaps I will find someone who can wait with me. Perhaps I will.

Lestat what r u thinking?

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (QAF Episode: 506)


So, day one begins tonight at 10:04 pm. One month of not sleeping with someone. One month of not going home with someone. Lets see if I can do it??? I will blog everyday about what is up. That is right, 30 days without a man...what will it do to me.

;)

And this one is named Blue...

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too (QAF Ep. 403)

Sometimes, we all do stupid things to make us feel better, and as you have read this blog know that I am the one who does that with furver. What is wrong with me? I am the dirty mistress, but how long do I have to pay for that? How do I make it stop? No, I am not sleeping with a taken guy right now, but I do still sleep around, and although that doesn't give that man a right to call me a slut, it doesn't make me feel any better about my choices. So, Dr. McDreamy fucked me, McVet doesn't want me, and Dr. McSteamy just want to fuck me. So, I went away from the McLife and tried something else, but where is the life there. I don't need the Mc, but I need the life. Where is that for me now, I am not ready to be pushed aside and hung on the shelf. I still need something, some kind of love. And, yes maybe I don't allow myself to do that, maybe I don't allow myself the room, the disipline to go with that, but I have always known what I want, and perhaps now I am looking for someone to change my life. Or maybe I have always wanted that.

duh

Brian: I'm not giong to the fucking party.
Justin:Why not?
Brian: Because I'm going to a fucking party. (Qaf Episode: 506)

I hate boys, and straight men in the closet....

Seriamente

Ben: What?
Michael: I'm just looking. You are so beautiful.
Ben: You're kind of cute yourself. (QAF Episode: 401)

I think life is harder than you make it. I think really it is just a series of moments that our emotions make complex. A hug is really just a comfort we make into a complex situation. After all these years am I beginning to think the Greeks were right with the three part harmony. Perhaps getting the emotions under control is the answer. Sitting at the pub last night, a friend talked to me about the fact that theatre people are quite subdued because our emotions are all lived out on stage. I thought that, but recently since last October I have been triggered into massive emotions in real life, most of which have emerged because of hugs and a silly little thing called lust, love and other emotions of the similar. When I was young a snake bit me and I was infected with a poison called love that made me a romantic. I have tried to find the antidote but sex doesn't work anymore. Or does it, it makes the pain easier and we have already established that I am Meredith Grey and that going to the pub and picking up a guy is my thing. I have been re-watching the series and yes I am her, only my McDreamy was an asshole who still tries to ruin my life, even though he doesn't do it in public and I am the one who finds out about it so I have to pretend that we are friends and keep my cool...Hating him, scratch that hating anyone is the most exhausting...so I put it away, but then something happens, and I am realize I can't escape the wrath...but then a friend who used to be a love, hugs me tells me he his grateful we are friends and I realize McDreamy has no power...and life goes on.

When Love Comes...

Emmett: I may be a slut, but at least I'm an honest slut. (QAF Episode: 203)

What happens when happily ever after isn't for you. What if your McDreamy does pic Addison, or your Meridith picks McVet...and although I am no Carrie at the prom with pigs blood on me, I can't help but think I have missed my romance. Oh, believe me I have had the perfect romance, from several guys, its just that my Prince Charming's are all Prince Pricks and I am the slut who has the problem. I am sick and tired of being the dirty slut, because I play that role, and so therefor happily ever after doesn't apply to me. It is my fault, well fine ok, I have been alright with it but now, I am not. If you play me the villain, then that is your problem. I am not the villain or the victim, I am however the lead man of my life, and it is not my fault you don't get to blame me anymore. Or at least not in my mind you don't get to blame me. I am worthy of life, therefor I am worthy of love (i know cue music, lights and get ready for the credits) the unfortunate reality is in real life we don't have the after the credits. If we did perhaps we would realize that the Pretty Woman did go back to being a whore after a year of happiness. But I am still a romantic, I still believe it is out there, and if I have to settle for the mundane, then that is what I have to settle for. So the guy in the armor wasn't mine, but the squire to the left is...does that make the fairy tale less accurate, or is this the new fairy tale, the Shrek, the Happily N'ever After, the Knocked Up...Perhaps that is my fairy tale and I don't get the fire hot passion, the fire hot romance, the longing of a lifetime that I have already have had, isn't for the real romance of forever...perhaps I get baby passion, baby fire and no longing to settle for stability. Someone who will stay with me forever, even if I don't get weak every time they say hey, every time I see them, every time we fight and make up. Perhaps that is not the real romance I want, perhaps I do want the stability of the non fire romance, and perhaps that is ok. I have finally come to realize i need to stop chasing the guys who aren't chasing me...growing up sucks...

Blackholes and revelations

Horvath: You were right.
Brian: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'. (QAF Episode: 313)

In life timing is everything. When we have it we have it, when we don't well it sucks. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have it these days. I am so unfocused. Yes, boys, they suck, btw. I have no timing with boys, and yes I us the youthful term because they are young and stupid and I am at least stupid for chasing after them. After everything, I should be swear them off as I do all the time and then go on an orgiastic free for all. But that would fall under the heading of keeping in the same pattern and somehow I need to get out of that. Although there is a fight, it should not be my fight. If I am going to fight for a boy perhaps they should be prepared to fight for me sometime. Otherwise, I need to leave them alone, and move on, except for the little timing issue. Should I hold out for the right time, or should I not...the real answer is not, because in the end when the timing is right, it will be right. And besides, if I do need ass I can get it and if I need a relationship I need to realize, the time is not right.

Tah for now.

Today is better

Debbie: You know, I haven't danced since the last century. (qaf ep 314)

You know, I feel so much better now that I bitched for a bit, I feel so much less stress about the situation. and who cares if I don't have a man, I haven't needed one for this long, whats the point in needing one now. I understand if its ment to be, but I just really need to focus on my patience. I am watching my three beautiful girls playing with toys and each other and I think of how blessed I am and that I am not the only one who feels this way, well surely I can't be, how many damn romantic movies have been made, and yes I am a romantic. La la la. I wish I could go out and dance tonight, it feels like forever since I have. I want to go and feel the music and dance till the night is over and the sun is coming over the hill. Not necessarily with anyone, just with a group of people I love or in a room with complete strangers, which can be fullfilling sometimes to realize no expectations or preconceived notions are around. I guess this is why I like going out to new places. Of course this is why, I get to be something a little different each time, not lying more like exploring the other parts of me. tah for now.

Don't you ever want to just...

Debbie: Yeah? I have news for you. God says you stink! (QAF Episode: 510)

I can't believe its been seven years. Seven long years since I have had a boyfriend. Oh I have had the dates, the I'm see him, the fuck, the fun and so forth, but seven years since I have had a honest boyfriend. And usually I am OK with this, usually I am very OK with this, and usually I don't dwell on it. But today is one of those days when I realize how much I think I am undate-able. No really hear me out. I can't keep a boy interested in, and if I do, they don't want to date me, just want to fuck me, because I am the guy that you don't take home to mom. I am loud and fun. I am the guy that you meet at the club and you are dying to take home, and try as I might I cannot change the fact that I love to go out, have fun and be out with the boys. This doesn't mean that I will fuck anything that walks, or that I have a standard or that I have to need something all the damn time. However, what it does mean is that I am "a slut." And apparently it means that I am "your slut." Well I am not. Let me just say that I can be the boy you take home to mom, if you will let me. If you will be open to the fact that just because I go out doesn't mean I can't show some self restraint then you have missed out on what makes me the person I am. I'm not Brian Kenny for fuck sake...I am Michael if you will let me be. I'm done with this attitude towards me, if you only want to take me home you can talk to your hand and please yourself. I am so fucking angry at the situation. Damn boys...

The hammer

Emmett: Yeah well, maybe he hurt me too. (QAF Episode 403)

I don't know when or where we learn hurt or pain, but eventually we all do. Eventually the lies of a golden perfect world die out and the bitter prune world come into being. As an artist I am very familure with distruction and pain, hell, its half our twisted lives until we learn to grow up and let the art flow through us. We don't have to be this misguided/misunderstood artist who wears black and smokes and has twenty cups of coffe in one day and still has no energy. Its the idea of destroy to create. I don't understand why I as a person always feel like I have to destroy a thing to create something new for me or that I must destroy myself to create a new me. This isn't true, it is one (albeit dangerous) road. It is something recently I have been trying to avoid. For those of you who read another public blog of mine, I talk of the hitting ourselves with a hammer and how we love it. Not because we need the pain, but because it feels so good when we stop. For that I am the worst at. I like the rush the feel of exhaustion after a long hard days work, but this exhaustion from personal pain I don't like. I don't like seeing a can of campbell's soup in my room that I have brought in from my car and feeling the memories wash over me and then having to pull myself out of the memories to become a normal person again. I didn't lose someone, I left someone. There shouldn't be this much pain from leaving. It should be easy. It should be quicker pain, like ripping off a band aid. But instead we pull out the old hammer again. It doesn't help to be an artist when all of this is going on. Because we have a natural hammer working at us...When are we cast now, when do we get through rehearsals, the director is too hard, the director hates me, I can't find motivation, boo-hoo, then the release of performance comes and all is lifted. We forget somethings. The hammer is taken away and we get the bows. And then back to the hammer. I think Dr. Grey from Grey's Anatomy said it best, "There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."

Perhaps I am not as smart as I think

Brian: Why can't we just stay here and cuddle? (QAF Episode: 513)

I have been so confused lately, and it is my own fault. I am jack's lack of enthusiasm. It seems I should be listening to the councel of my friends, but instead I have been working towards my own stupidity. I know when things are hot and that I shouldn't touch, but it is the intrigue that keeps me going to it. I must explore. I make mistakes to learn...I am afraid this may be my undoing. I seek too much. I explore too much and don't realize the effects the journey has on me. I don't realize how much I can get hurt and that my appetite for life might sicken.

I won't say that I think the moment your heart breaks you should cease to exist. I don't believe that anymore. Mainly, because my heart has broken too much, and I know I can't die, I just have to pull myself up by my boot straps and go on. But, like a stupid boy that I am I try too hard for the things that cannot make me happy. Boys that cannot make me happy.

And to be completely overly dramatic, I will say, perhaps there is not someone that will make me happy. Maybe I need to give up on it, because it will come if it will and if it won't, I have no control over it. It is something I am afraid of, losing control. But this is one thing I have to loose control of...And besides, I have a life to live. I have places to go, a life to live. And I want that, life, career, and more...but I guess I will settle for two things I am very thankful for: life and career.

Let's focus on that for now...

Soy un fregadero desenchufado

Honestly, I think walk around with a sign on my head that reads either, "soy estupido" or "Lastimeme, yo no cuidan." And for those of you espanol majors out there, I know I don't use the accents, they eff up my html, so boo whore. Back to my useless life. I know I am egocentric, I thought that was why you read, it's obviously why I write.

Yesterday, the good little boy traveled to work at 7:00am hoping to discover the meaning of life, for he was always looking. At work he found wonders of coffee and a shoulder he could cry on, however he had forgotten his lunch and gold fishees. You see he had just gone to bed at 5:00 that same morning (The moral of this part of the story is he got to work on time). From being too drunk and playing the role of Meredith Grey. Quickly he left

Interuption: in todays news, my boss just pasted through and I gave her an update, and she just ask me if I was talking to her. She appologized and said she wasn't even listening...and my response was, right now, no one I want to listen is, so why should you be any different...pity party of one...dear diary, right, well that is what this is.

Quckly he left for class answering a text from BJ, who hopes he has a good day after such a crazy night, U 2, said Lestat who doesn't mention the fact that he is a bit put off BJ didn't sleep in the bed last night. 2 classes later and Lestat finds out that BJ texted are you mad? No I am not Aron asshole. but Lestat ends up going to his work to see him, Lestat validates this by buying a bday present for his niece. He is so clever. After shopping and eating, it's on to rehearsal and then to grey's anatomy where our hero spends the whole night crying and texting BJ who is "talking to his boyfriend online." We end the night on the phone. So, I am the other woman, and I am just waiting for him to leave.

Fast forward to a conversation with Jake. I know he's a player, but I am not going to see him. I am not going to go out with him this week...

and I relize, I am only trying to convense myself.

El rey de gris

Justin: So that I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me. For shutting me out. For thinking that you can handle this on your own. And most of all for thinking that I would leave. Why would you think that? Because you had a ball removed? Because you're no longer perfect? Well believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections. And if I wanted to leave you, I've had better reasons, plenty of them.
(QAF, Episode 407)

When did I become Meredith Grey? So, I did that thing you aren't suppose to do. I did it. he hears the laughs from the peanut galarie and realizes that he must explain which thing. Well, it was many things. I wasn't suppose to kiss him, or sleep with him, or tell him I was falling for him a dramatic pause of gasps you see it all happened so unnaturally...So positively crazily...That we forgot to stop pretending.

It happened last night our Peter Pan attitude shifted. A series of numbers and it was over. 1, 2, 7, 18... The price of the beer, the number of people in love, the number of months that one of the 2 had been in love, the number of beers consumed by 4 wait I left a number out, perhaps for the better. That is right there were 4 people who left the bar together and three that stayed over last night and 2 on couches and one (myself) in bed. What a circle.

I have been loosing weight and gaining inches if that is possible. I stand at 137 a mere 2 pounds till I have my goal weight and I still can't get past the 32 in mark. Now usually I would agree for the small person to shut the eff up, but recently I was 36-38 in and 180 pounds on a frame that was never over 135 and 28 in. I want my last 2 in off. I know I am a bastard. But we covered that in me sleeping with a man who is attached. Thanks, Bitch, table for one, ummmm bye now.

When did it become not so easy to dump a guy, especially one that isn't available. Perhaps, it is because he has treated me better by being with someone else than any single man has treated me before? It is probably true. I am a dreadful bore. Since I feel for a taken man, does that mean in a few years I will go after a wife beater and be the wife???

I have so many questions today and I know none of them can be answered, and in fact I am okay with this.

Finish coffee, spell check, and move on...

En un agujero

Brandon: If I win, I get back into Babylon. And what if I lose?
Brian: Then I get into you. (QAF Episode: 507)

A pill box lid opens as I take a Tylenol to protect my head from my hang over. It seems to me that I have had quite a long silence from the last blog. Wake up at 6:00 am to the sounds of 4 alarm clocks twisting my insides, take out puppies if I can wake up or vote to wait until the roomies wake up. Momentary lapses and I go shower 7:15 in my car, fumando. The taste is good in my boca but I realize I have one day to quit and my breath with stink for years. I've quit before, the taste lingers in your mouth. Every so often when you catch the smell of a moment that you enjoyed with a long stick of cancer in a time when you were young and untouchable and your mouth fill with the taste of the ashtray. despertar suenos de fumar. Better not to think about this aqui, no you are parallel parking on the curb. And you start your decent up to work, it is 10 minutos till 8, and you realize you only live 5 min away from work. Your visions go to the night, what did you do. Los besos en una boca, la brasos, su penga. What happened to the idea that I was going to take it slow, as to actually build something worthwhile rather than have some sex fest with someone I care about until I wake up bored and realize that you’re cheating on me? Hello Hailey, big fake smile as I run past la puerta en mi oficina. Get my mind out of the micro world and into the land of the dead, los secreterios. I am a glorified receptionist, I am so effing happy. Run down the day, hour for lunch, a grad class here or there una hora por dinner. I rehearse at 6 with 2 five min breaks and then straight at nine work till 2, get into my car to go to a bed with a man I spent the last two weeks with sleeping next to him want to touch him and not, until last night. I'm a slut, but so was he. We both made that decision. To quote a great band, “I just can't sleep alone..." but is it because of him or me?

I get distracted by el guapo extra. He's talking of nothing important and I don't really thing he needs to do that, better seen not heard. He's blonde, figuratively.

I walk look back on the opening of my shows this week and realize, is this it, is this what I worked so hard for. I am proud of them, but was it worth it after the cups the marmalade the tea, perhaps some talk of you and me.

I sip more coffee and ponder, I am so effing pretentious.

I'm Back

"This is not going to be another one of those 'Queer as Folk' pep talks, is it?" Ari to Lloyd on "Entourage."


As I sit here and look around at the world around me I think, it has been too long since I have posted a blog. I am a bit overwhelmed by school now. I am up to my neck in producing a series of short plays and I am a bit on edge. I don't have much to post now, but hopefully this will get the ball rolling again.

no fumar

no fumar
Originally uploaded by lestatoberon.

title: no fumar

QAF
Lindsay: I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian: Do you want me to puke right here? (Ep. 120)

Open to the toilet seat every night. I started about a week and a half ago. Waking, not being able to breathe, puking because of it. I thought I was just sick. Open a bottle of meds pop the Nyquil or Dayquil, try to sleep for 2 hours and get back to work. Grad school is demanding. I finally went to the doctors 3 or 4 days after this started, okay I wasn't going to go until I puked the blood. I went to the doctors to get a Z-Pac and go home. But what I received was what I feared most.

Enter Asthma stage right. The ghost that I had defeated in the past, my Voldemort. Now, newly revived. I had to start a breathing treatment immediately.

Flashback to when I was a kid, on the floor with a breathing machine watching Sesame Street.

I sat in the room hooked up to a breathing machine thinking of the statements the doctors made. You have the breath of a small child, a girl small child. She scoffs and asks how I ever was a dancer or had enough breath to act.

I remember the hospitals, the nights of not breathing, and the millions of reasons why I can't have asthma again.

My voice is still gone, scratchy, and not up to do a show. I have only a few weeks to the role of my life and I may have f*cked it up royally.

This is why I now have no fumar in my life. It is officially day 5 since I threw the fags away. My breathing is better. I haven't had an attack in 2 days. I use an inhaler 4 times a day for now, and have a set of pills that make me real dizzy. One in the morning and one at night. I am not to operate heavy machinery and I am glad I don't have a boyfriend right now.

I wake up and move on. I miss the first drag of a fag in the morning, or with a pint. I will not lie; this is the worst feeling of my life wanting something that is killing me. I feel so stupid, but I was for smoking in the first place. eh.

I am reading the book A Million Little Pieces. It's about an addict in rehab. Now, I don't feel so bad about myself and seeing what he went through makes me feel a little silly about wanting a fag so much. But I still do. And even people in rehab get to smoke.

Bitter, party of one...

I danced yesterday and although I was dizzy from the meds...I was happy...

fade out, cue inspiring music, go cry in the dark corner...